Dear journal -
I don't even know how to start this post! I'm a bit fucked up, which probably makes me a better candidate to write and I wrote a whole post in my mind, but now that I am on here trying to express all that I have to say, I barely know where to start! So maybe let me start honestly.
About a month ago, I did something that I barely ever do. I came home with my cousin feeling really drunk and on the way home we played regatton on my iphone and sang and reminisced about a place called NYC and how much we missed it. When we got to my apt. complex my cousin was called over to a group of friends that were hanging out in front of someone's apt. and we walked over to it and we all began to talk and have a drunk night together. Out of nowhere and I swear journal I really don't know how or in which way I ended up talking to one of the men that where in the group, but next thing I knew I was standing in front of my building talking to one of the gentlemen that were with us and all I recall is kissing him and thinking.... OH MY GOD.... those kisses.... and only based on that, I can remember feeling very connected to this individual.....
The next morning I wake up to a text message stating.... are you as hung over as I am? I opened my eyes, looked at the message and felt grossed out and disgusted in my actions from the night before and thinking.....UGH! I can't even talk or think at this moment, who are you? and.... what did I do? I slept a few hours more and then finally woke up fully and looked at my messages again and looked at that one messaged and all I could remember was the best kisses I had in months...... WOW those tender kisses, wow how nice they felt and how real............. Finally, I was fully awake and aware of what had transpired the evening or morning prior to my sleep. Those kisses, they were magical, like those kisses that I had not shared in many nights or many days or many months or many maybe years? so I decided to respond to the message of the stranger who took my breath away... who was he? where did he come from? was he even handsome in my eyes? would someone else see his beauty as I did the night before? did I imagine those kisses?
We talked, and both decided that what we shared was mutual sexual attraction, or was it? sometimes I feel that there are people that it just feels comfortable with and so this is where this story really begins....... I thought that it was merely some sexual attraction that would ultimately not matter, just a moment in time, a way to kill time, to pass the time that just is, but if that were the case then why is he always on my mind? why did I feel the need to share things with him? why was it so hard to hold him after we were intimate? is it me? am I still scared? why does he stay in my skin and in my thoughts? why are his kisses so deep and almost sincere? do I imagine this because I feel alone? is it only in my mind? and why do I feel his sadness? why do I understand his pain? why does it almost affect me? why do I feel his presence when he isn't around? and why did I feel the need to be sincere with him as far as where I am in my life? why did I feel the need to say something, anything, just to be around him for a little longer?
Journal, it is hard for me to say or feel things, but it has been a while and he is just special, and I know that in his mind he is not the best thing ever, but in my mind, he just is.... something. and I can't really say what, because I don't know what, but when I am in his arms, I feel so deeply connected to him, like sexually it's amazing but not in a physical sense but deeper. Like yes the sex is amazing but not because it's physically good, but something deeper, like the kisses are just deep and maybe it's because I don't kiss anyone, but I have kissed and it's hard to describe, it's just a very deep physical connection like I haven't felt in so very long. So maybe it's nothing or maybe it's something, but I just needed to share because it's been a very long tine since I feel this way and I thought it was worth writing about.
He has shared some things with me, but since they are personal to him I will just say one thing. I have realized that monogamy is an individual thing. And although sometimes I have questioned monogamy, I realized by sleeping with him one very important thing. That I have only questioned monogamy when I am not completely into someone, when they to me where not someone that I completely felt a strong connection to, because otherwise, when I am completely into someone, I can not imagine sharing them! like when I think of him, I don't want anyone else touching him even though he isn't even mine, only for the moments that I have him, is he truly mine and maybe not even then, because I don't know where his mind is, but I am glad, that in those moments, his kisses are mine.......... and ONLY mine....YES! I HAVE HIM FOR A MOMENT so I'll take it! I guess I'll take at this point, anything that reminds me that I am a woman, that I still feel and that I am alive......
I leave you with - The Hills.... The weekend....
I don't even know how to start this post! I'm a bit fucked up, which probably makes me a better candidate to write and I wrote a whole post in my mind, but now that I am on here trying to express all that I have to say, I barely know where to start! So maybe let me start honestly.
About a month ago, I did something that I barely ever do. I came home with my cousin feeling really drunk and on the way home we played regatton on my iphone and sang and reminisced about a place called NYC and how much we missed it. When we got to my apt. complex my cousin was called over to a group of friends that were hanging out in front of someone's apt. and we walked over to it and we all began to talk and have a drunk night together. Out of nowhere and I swear journal I really don't know how or in which way I ended up talking to one of the men that where in the group, but next thing I knew I was standing in front of my building talking to one of the gentlemen that were with us and all I recall is kissing him and thinking.... OH MY GOD.... those kisses.... and only based on that, I can remember feeling very connected to this individual.....
The next morning I wake up to a text message stating.... are you as hung over as I am? I opened my eyes, looked at the message and felt grossed out and disgusted in my actions from the night before and thinking.....UGH! I can't even talk or think at this moment, who are you? and.... what did I do? I slept a few hours more and then finally woke up fully and looked at my messages again and looked at that one messaged and all I could remember was the best kisses I had in months...... WOW those tender kisses, wow how nice they felt and how real............. Finally, I was fully awake and aware of what had transpired the evening or morning prior to my sleep. Those kisses, they were magical, like those kisses that I had not shared in many nights or many days or many months or many maybe years? so I decided to respond to the message of the stranger who took my breath away... who was he? where did he come from? was he even handsome in my eyes? would someone else see his beauty as I did the night before? did I imagine those kisses?
We talked, and both decided that what we shared was mutual sexual attraction, or was it? sometimes I feel that there are people that it just feels comfortable with and so this is where this story really begins....... I thought that it was merely some sexual attraction that would ultimately not matter, just a moment in time, a way to kill time, to pass the time that just is, but if that were the case then why is he always on my mind? why did I feel the need to share things with him? why was it so hard to hold him after we were intimate? is it me? am I still scared? why does he stay in my skin and in my thoughts? why are his kisses so deep and almost sincere? do I imagine this because I feel alone? is it only in my mind? and why do I feel his sadness? why do I understand his pain? why does it almost affect me? why do I feel his presence when he isn't around? and why did I feel the need to be sincere with him as far as where I am in my life? why did I feel the need to say something, anything, just to be around him for a little longer?
Journal, it is hard for me to say or feel things, but it has been a while and he is just special, and I know that in his mind he is not the best thing ever, but in my mind, he just is.... something. and I can't really say what, because I don't know what, but when I am in his arms, I feel so deeply connected to him, like sexually it's amazing but not in a physical sense but deeper. Like yes the sex is amazing but not because it's physically good, but something deeper, like the kisses are just deep and maybe it's because I don't kiss anyone, but I have kissed and it's hard to describe, it's just a very deep physical connection like I haven't felt in so very long. So maybe it's nothing or maybe it's something, but I just needed to share because it's been a very long tine since I feel this way and I thought it was worth writing about.
He has shared some things with me, but since they are personal to him I will just say one thing. I have realized that monogamy is an individual thing. And although sometimes I have questioned monogamy, I realized by sleeping with him one very important thing. That I have only questioned monogamy when I am not completely into someone, when they to me where not someone that I completely felt a strong connection to, because otherwise, when I am completely into someone, I can not imagine sharing them! like when I think of him, I don't want anyone else touching him even though he isn't even mine, only for the moments that I have him, is he truly mine and maybe not even then, because I don't know where his mind is, but I am glad, that in those moments, his kisses are mine.......... and ONLY mine....YES! I HAVE HIM FOR A MOMENT so I'll take it! I guess I'll take at this point, anything that reminds me that I am a woman, that I still feel and that I am alive......
I leave you with - The Hills.... The weekend....
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