Dear Journal -
I would say that for about 4 years now, I have somewhat followed a very difficult discipline that I cannot completely grasp, but non the less, understand now, more then ever before in my life. I have written about this topic before http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/07/living-in-moment.html but had a different perspective on it than I do now.
Dan Millman, author of my two favorite books, There are No Ordinary Moments and The Way of The Peaceful Warrior, says in his book The Way of The Peaceful Warrior, that we have thousands of thoughts a day and that for the most part, most of those thoughts we are having are not serving us with our lives purpose. By this, I don't think that he means that we shouldn't be thinking, or that we shouldn't be exploring ideas. I believe that by this he means that when we are stuck in our heads and in our thoughts, we are not living fully the moment we are in. We are instead looking down at our phones, the floor and everywhere else instead of ahead! instead of enjoying all the beauty that constantly surrounds us! Some moments I know for a fact that we don't want to prolong, but some others, I think are so precious that you want to stay in them forever!
I'm writing about this today, because I truly believe that I am falling back into a pattern that I do not like, I feel as if lately, I have been falling prisoner of my thoughts, and I am not liking this AT ALL! Lately, I have to constantly pull my thoughts back to this moment, back to the task at hand, back to this reality that I am in right this minute. It does make me happy though, that at the very least I have not lost the reminder to pull myself back, to grasp my thoughts, and to think to myself why I am having them? It is important to me to try to understand where the thoughts are coming from? what is the root of them? why I am having them? I have to say that ever since I started trying really hard to live in the moment, my life feels more rewarding, and while living in the moment has nothing to do with being ruthless like some may interpret it, it is rewarding because you are truly aware of your surroundings, however, I feel like I need to focus on doing this more often, of getting myself out of my head and into this world!
Sometimes however, I question if this discipline is truly valuable. Like yes I am living more frequently in the moment, but is that keeping me from planning ahead? and is it keeping me from exploring or thinking about my wants and needs? the other day I was having a conversation with someone about what I was feeling regarding he and I, and when he asked me the very simple question, what do you want? I couldn't answer it! I genuinely did not know, I was stuck and almost shocked that someone was asking this of me, because quite frankly, I don't ever think about it much.
Him on the other hand, he had his future planned it almost seemed, I mean while the thought of his future didn't include me, at least he knew it. At least he had thought it out, meanwhile I felt vulnerable to the fact that I never thought about it that far, I was just kind of enjoying what was happening, until I was no longer comfortable with the situation and decided it was time to move on from it. I never thought about how long it should last, I just went with what I felt anytime I was around him.
I am conflicted about this because my friend told me today that maybe because I don't think about things far enough, it's exactly the reason why things were not becoming a reality. I on the other hand never thought of it that way, I just don't feel like it is necessary to plan my life with another human being that I barely know. How can I plan what and how our relationship "would have been" or "would be" if there are certain steps that I feel need to happen before even considering a relationship. For starters, I find it so important to be friends with someone before even considering them as someone I would even think of giving my love too! like I need to get to know a person, to be around them enough to know what they are like.
Additionally, I never think of my life far ahead enough, to imagine someone in my life that way. I feel that while I am open now to relationships, something I wouldn't consider before, I still think that I wouldn't go jumping into some crazy roller coaster ride just cause. I've been on roller coaster relationships and they don't end well. Regardless of all of this, it is difficult for me to express to someone, WHAT I WANT, because almost everyone, is always thinking so far ahead of everything, making up scenarios in their mind of what "the relationship" will look like, that they never stop to think of what is right in front of them, they never give things a chance because without really knowing a person, they already made up the story in their mind, therefore depriving themselves of enjoying each moment, the "process" of maybe finding out that this person is amazing or that this person is definitely not a compatible partner. They allow judgments to cloud and impede them of moving forward with even just step one, the initial lets talk and be friends and see if this is something, or nothing at all. So, when someone makes a decision based on whatever stories they made up in their heads about "what the relationship" that didn't even start will be like, how do I turn around and try to convince that person, to get out of their heads and live the now? like honestly sometimes when I start trying to talk to people about this, they sort of think I'm crazy!
I personally feel that even though I don't know what I want, I think that at least by not knowing, I am enjoying and being more aware of my feelings without having judgements on the other person or denying myself and them of enjoying something that may turn into nothing or maybe turn into the best thing that ever happened. I allow myself to go through things without fear of "what if's" and "I can't because" instead I see life as, this is fun, I enjoyed this and do you want to continue to the next step or is this not comfortable anymore should it stop? yes I know I am sort of not making sense, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that when you spend your time thinking about what it will be like, you are loosing out on what's really happening, what you are truly enjoying, you almost limit yourself to life's experiences when you are busy in your head making up scenarios.
So yes, maybe I don't know what I want, but maybe I won't be here tomorrow either, so what difference would it have made if I did? No I don't anticipate I will die tomorrow (fingers crossed) but if I did, at the very least I feel that I lived my life the best way I could, I enjoyed each moment and each person to the fullest, because instead of thinking about how complicated things may have been, I focused on what it was when I was sharing a moment with whomever! I don't know, I honestly am a happier now than I was when I was busy making up stories in my head about "what I wanted" because most of the time, you want something, you get it and then you realize that's not what really makes you happy!
Yea I KNOW! I'M CONFUSED TOO!
Good night journal..........
I Leave you with.... Neyo - Miss Independent....
I would say that for about 4 years now, I have somewhat followed a very difficult discipline that I cannot completely grasp, but non the less, understand now, more then ever before in my life. I have written about this topic before http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/07/living-in-moment.html but had a different perspective on it than I do now.
Dan Millman, author of my two favorite books, There are No Ordinary Moments and The Way of The Peaceful Warrior, says in his book The Way of The Peaceful Warrior, that we have thousands of thoughts a day and that for the most part, most of those thoughts we are having are not serving us with our lives purpose. By this, I don't think that he means that we shouldn't be thinking, or that we shouldn't be exploring ideas. I believe that by this he means that when we are stuck in our heads and in our thoughts, we are not living fully the moment we are in. We are instead looking down at our phones, the floor and everywhere else instead of ahead! instead of enjoying all the beauty that constantly surrounds us! Some moments I know for a fact that we don't want to prolong, but some others, I think are so precious that you want to stay in them forever!
I'm writing about this today, because I truly believe that I am falling back into a pattern that I do not like, I feel as if lately, I have been falling prisoner of my thoughts, and I am not liking this AT ALL! Lately, I have to constantly pull my thoughts back to this moment, back to the task at hand, back to this reality that I am in right this minute. It does make me happy though, that at the very least I have not lost the reminder to pull myself back, to grasp my thoughts, and to think to myself why I am having them? It is important to me to try to understand where the thoughts are coming from? what is the root of them? why I am having them? I have to say that ever since I started trying really hard to live in the moment, my life feels more rewarding, and while living in the moment has nothing to do with being ruthless like some may interpret it, it is rewarding because you are truly aware of your surroundings, however, I feel like I need to focus on doing this more often, of getting myself out of my head and into this world!
Sometimes however, I question if this discipline is truly valuable. Like yes I am living more frequently in the moment, but is that keeping me from planning ahead? and is it keeping me from exploring or thinking about my wants and needs? the other day I was having a conversation with someone about what I was feeling regarding he and I, and when he asked me the very simple question, what do you want? I couldn't answer it! I genuinely did not know, I was stuck and almost shocked that someone was asking this of me, because quite frankly, I don't ever think about it much.
Him on the other hand, he had his future planned it almost seemed, I mean while the thought of his future didn't include me, at least he knew it. At least he had thought it out, meanwhile I felt vulnerable to the fact that I never thought about it that far, I was just kind of enjoying what was happening, until I was no longer comfortable with the situation and decided it was time to move on from it. I never thought about how long it should last, I just went with what I felt anytime I was around him.
I am conflicted about this because my friend told me today that maybe because I don't think about things far enough, it's exactly the reason why things were not becoming a reality. I on the other hand never thought of it that way, I just don't feel like it is necessary to plan my life with another human being that I barely know. How can I plan what and how our relationship "would have been" or "would be" if there are certain steps that I feel need to happen before even considering a relationship. For starters, I find it so important to be friends with someone before even considering them as someone I would even think of giving my love too! like I need to get to know a person, to be around them enough to know what they are like.
Additionally, I never think of my life far ahead enough, to imagine someone in my life that way. I feel that while I am open now to relationships, something I wouldn't consider before, I still think that I wouldn't go jumping into some crazy roller coaster ride just cause. I've been on roller coaster relationships and they don't end well. Regardless of all of this, it is difficult for me to express to someone, WHAT I WANT, because almost everyone, is always thinking so far ahead of everything, making up scenarios in their mind of what "the relationship" will look like, that they never stop to think of what is right in front of them, they never give things a chance because without really knowing a person, they already made up the story in their mind, therefore depriving themselves of enjoying each moment, the "process" of maybe finding out that this person is amazing or that this person is definitely not a compatible partner. They allow judgments to cloud and impede them of moving forward with even just step one, the initial lets talk and be friends and see if this is something, or nothing at all. So, when someone makes a decision based on whatever stories they made up in their heads about "what the relationship" that didn't even start will be like, how do I turn around and try to convince that person, to get out of their heads and live the now? like honestly sometimes when I start trying to talk to people about this, they sort of think I'm crazy!
I personally feel that even though I don't know what I want, I think that at least by not knowing, I am enjoying and being more aware of my feelings without having judgements on the other person or denying myself and them of enjoying something that may turn into nothing or maybe turn into the best thing that ever happened. I allow myself to go through things without fear of "what if's" and "I can't because" instead I see life as, this is fun, I enjoyed this and do you want to continue to the next step or is this not comfortable anymore should it stop? yes I know I am sort of not making sense, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that when you spend your time thinking about what it will be like, you are loosing out on what's really happening, what you are truly enjoying, you almost limit yourself to life's experiences when you are busy in your head making up scenarios.
So yes, maybe I don't know what I want, but maybe I won't be here tomorrow either, so what difference would it have made if I did? No I don't anticipate I will die tomorrow (fingers crossed) but if I did, at the very least I feel that I lived my life the best way I could, I enjoyed each moment and each person to the fullest, because instead of thinking about how complicated things may have been, I focused on what it was when I was sharing a moment with whomever! I don't know, I honestly am a happier now than I was when I was busy making up stories in my head about "what I wanted" because most of the time, you want something, you get it and then you realize that's not what really makes you happy!
Yea I KNOW! I'M CONFUSED TOO!
Good night journal..........
I Leave you with.... Neyo - Miss Independent....
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