Build that wall Jazzy!

Dear journal -

Last night was so fun! I had a fun time and I definitely needed that.  I was really happy because typically when I go out I don't dress up, I usually don't care to impress anyone so I don't usually make an effort to get "pretty" but last night It was my friends bday so I wore some make up and this outfit that was fitting and I got SO MANY COMPLIMENTS! by both men and women.  I felt so good because I've been working SO HARD on my weight.  I have struggled with my weight ever since I hurt my Achilles tendon and wasn't able to run  anymore (insert sad face here) after that, it has always been so hard to work out the way I want to, but I finally found ways to exercise in a way that won't hurt my foot, so I've been really focusing on trying to fit into my old cloths.  I used to be a size 8 and now I'm a 10 and I want to just feel good in my own skin.  So last night I got compliments by a few women and that's why I was so happy! women are so critical of each other so when I get a compliment from a woman, that's big.  My friend told me she was so proud of me because I looked like I lost weight and that put me in a great mood and then I danced my ass off it was awesome!

I had decided to stop using dating sites, because I just feel a little or maybe a lot empty, I have no desire to really talk to anyone, but there are definitely times when I'm like well, talking isn't bad and there are some men that are nice and say nice things and then there are the fucking assholes! so today, this one guy sends me a message and says, "you will be my first wife" at first in my mind I'm like yea ok, but instead I responded that we could go to Vegas and get married.  Long story short, he's  50 seemed to have his shit together yada yada, so I'm like ok, sure let me talk to this man.  Well, 3 short paragraphs later he's telling me that he needs to kiss me or something to that affect..... UGH!!!!! I got SO ANGRY! I almost threw up in my mouth cause I just thought..... FUCK YOU! I have never even seen you in person and this is what you are telling me? in that moment I felt so just like, down, and then I thought about my ex and started to cry.  I cried because when I first met my ex I had absolutely NO INTENTION, what's so ever to love him, to be with him to do ANYTHING, he worked SO HARD, for my love for me to be with him, for me to eventually even want to marry him and here I am now, on dating sites talking to people I have zero interest in and I just felt so down that I took down all my pictures unmatched from a bunch of people and just deleted the app.  

The truth is, everything I've done until now, has been pretty forced (with the exception of the one guy I met that I actually liked and even wrote about) The post is called.... Then along came him.... But then with him, he pretty much just lead me on and it felt really shitty and I'm just so true to my feelings, that I'm pretty much done with people.  I just don't have it in me to talk to people and waste my time when in my heart I know I'm forcing myself to "get out there!" I think that part of me is competing with my ex because I think to myself, well he's moved on probably married by now, I can do it! but I'm not like him clearly.  I'm just so scared to build a wall so high that I might never recover.  After my ex husband and I broke up 13 years ago, I was single for so long, and I became like this bitch, I played with people and everyone was a joke to me and I didn't let anyone in and it wasn't until I met my current ex that I finally gave in to love, all for.... NOTHING!.

I keep telling myself that I need to keep giving myself time, but I'm so scared to become that bitch again, I don't want to build a wall, I don't want to have a panic attack every time I actually like someone which I already kind of had one.  The second to last time I was with the person I was last hanging out with, the one that I liked, after I left his house I was literally driving home and had a mini panic attack in my car.  I had to open the windows and take deep breaths because I felt like It was too much to soon and I was just so freaking scared, which in a way, everything that happened after that just re-iterated to me that I need to listen to my body and my instinct and that if it's too good to be true, it probably isn't true.  

I don't want to build a wall, I want to love again one day, I want to have a healthy relationship with someone awesome! I have so much love to give, and I feel that I can be difficult sometimes when I'm with someone, but I'm also giving and caring and I take care of my man, my ex told me right before I saw him with his "love" that no one had ever loved him or treated him the way that I had and what could he do to get me back? this literally 2 days before I saw him with his now maybe wife.  What a piece of work that guy! and yet, I still want to believe in love, I still feel that eventually it would be nice to have someone, but right now I just feel so vulnerable and all over the place that I just want to go to India and find myself! JK! I rather be in a tropical beach! 

I'm really excited for this summer though, I am going to NY, Tampa, Texas and then I'm going to Colombia for the fall, so I will definitely have some fun times, and I think for now, I'm good with just enjoying time with my friends, family, dancing, working out and just really trying to heal and find myself again.  I definitely am feeling a lot more like me though, I definitely am finding myself slowly.  And sure, I felt a connection with the one guy and hanging out with him reminded me that I CAN do this! but then that same experience also left me feeling crummy and confused and reminded me of how cruel the dating scene is and how people just don't know what they want or what they are doing and I'm not saying this man intentionally did anything to make me feel bad at least I hope he didn't, but at the same time he built me up to then just let me down and you think I got an explanation of his actions? of course not! why would he think he owed me anything right? like everyone is out here for themselves in the dating game and it's just vicious! people lie and deceive and just act fucked up.

Oh and I almost forgot, I also got accused of "ghosting" some guy that I literally spoke to like twice! I didn't even meet him in person so I was like.... wtf! he was like I'm not into games or being ghosted and I was like.... UM.......I don't even know you dude! I told him, well if you think me not responding to your message for a few days is "ghosting" then OK! I haven't even met you in person, how can you feel like I was "ghosting" you! and where the fuck did that term come from all of a sudden? I miss the days were there was no social media and people met in person for the first time.  

Jazzy, please don't build a wall! Maybe one day, you will find someone that will appreciate you for all that you are! journal, I'm really scared to become a bitch again, please don't let me!

I'll leave you with....... - Russian Roulette - Rihanna