"There is only one person who could ever make
you happy, and that person is you" ~ David Burns
Dear Journal:
I have been
writing quite often lately because I feel that I was sort of stuck for a while. I was sort of in a rut, because I was going through
that whole 28 days to let go of my addiction thing http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/28-days-to-overcome-addiction.html and I almost couldn’t write. Lately however, I just can’t stop. The other day, I was talking to my co-worker
and I was telling her that this week is Benjamin’s Birthday (remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html) and
I kept telling her, that because I am so creative, when I love someone I can
think of a million awesome things to do for that person, to make them
smile. While he and I
were friends, I did so many little things, that I am quite sure that his mind was
constantly blown away. What he did not
know, was that not everyone gets that from me and only someone who I sincerely have genuine feelings for romantically or like my friends who I truly love, can truly inspire me and make me want to do the little things that mean a lot. Lately though, I have been holding back on
things that I want to do, not only for him, but for others as well, because I
am trying to teach myself not to always be the giver. It is important to me, to understand that in
any sort of anything in life, you have to give and receive, because when you
become the giver only, the other person automatically expects you to give
always. I learned that lesson the hard
way, because my ex husband who I did everything for, once had the nerve to tell
me that the reason why we broke up, was because when we had our, I guess last
marital argument, I never went “looking for him” when he started sleeping in
another room.
WOW! The day
he told me that, I could not believe my ears, but I understood where he was
coming from. He was so used to me being the giver that the minute I stopped giving,
it made him feel like I was treating him wrong.
The problem was, that he had never given me anything back and when I
finally got tired of giving, it made me appear as the “bad one” so, after I went
through that separation and after everything was said and done, I realized that
I was a natural giver. I love to give, I actually wrote a post once, on the
fact that my giving is for my own selfish reasons, me giving makes me feel good
about me… Key word in that last sentence is ME.
But in these last few years, I am
learning to be a 50/50 person. This
includes everyone in my life. Friends,
family, children everyone! with one exception, MY MOTHER! because my mother
gives me 150% and I cannot even begin to repay her for her being so absolutely
wonderful. Other than that, I try to
catch myself when I start being too giving with anyone and I don't feel that my giving is being reciprocated. I want back what I am giving, because that is
the foundation of a rewarding friendship, relationship or whatever.
My family even noticed the change in me and
they blame it on the fact that all of a sudden "I think I am better than
others." but that is far from the truth, I am still the same person in the sense that I want to give it's just that all of a sudden, I realized that I was always giving and I never got
back and most times was being taken for granted by those who I loved. And when I say giving, I don’t
mean material stuff. I could care less
about that, I am talking about little insignificant things like, call me too! why
should I be the one always checking up on you? yes you are my aunt, uncle, sister, niece etc. but why is it that I have to be the one always initiating the call? I exist also, call me too every now and then! I do this also with my
friends. Example: I have this male
friend who used to text me every morning to say hello and I would obviously
respond. Sometimes though, I would have
the urge to send him a message first, because I honestly wanted to give him back the same kind of friendship he was offering me, but I would hold back because I sort of
knew that he had romantic feelings for me and the last thing I am going to do,
is lead someone on and play with their feelings. I will not do to others, what I do not want
to be done to me. That’s how I roll! I
didn’t want him to take my kindness or my friendship feelings for him, the
wrong way, so I would always hold back because I didn’t want to mislead
him. Yet I felt horrible, because I genuinely wanted to reach out to say hello.
One day
though, I had a serious conversation with him and I told him that I did not
feel any romantic feelings for him and that I would only always see him as a
friend and that if he was capable of understanding and accepting, that no
matter what he did I would never feel for him whatever it was he thought he felt
for me, then we could stay friends, otherwise I would prefer to keep my
distance. He told me that he was ok with
that situation, and so I began to give my friend, what he gives me and it made
me feel so much better! I don’t text him every day and he doesn’t text me
everyday anymore either, but now, whenever I feel inclined to reach out to him,
I do so knowing that he knows exactly where he stands and that the reason why I
am reaching out to him, is because he is my good friend that I love and I want
to see how he is doing. COMMUNICATION IS
SOOOO AWESOME! We always have a good text conversation and every now and then
we will talk on the phone and he always tells me his dirt and vice versa and it
feels great! I am finally giving him, what he was giving me. It feels pretty darn good!
What else
journal, let me see….. Hmmm… OH! the other day I went to a country music
concert and I heard a song that made me cry, it made me cry because I thought
about Benjamin and all the times when as friends, we both gave. With him, it always felt 50/50 and it was
awesome! although at the end I was the one giving and that was because I ended
up falling in love with him, due to him misleading me, although I sincerely
believe that he didn’t do it on purpose and I have to also admit that I acted
so crazy, because I was going through so much that I would of probably not
wanted me either. It just wasn’t the right time I guess, but I
am done dwelling on it and I don’t think I’m ‘IN LOVE’ maybe with him anymore,
but because he was the person I loved last and I still love as a human being, I
can’t help but to think of him and I have been a lot more lately because this
week is his birthday and I can’t even send him a message and wish him
well.
So, because I want so bad to do something
for him even though he doesn’t speak to me, I decided that instead of repressing
my feelings, I would do it anyway and instead of giving it to him, I will share it with you my wonderful journal. What I am
going to do or already started doing, is to draw a picture that I have had in my
thoughts for over a year now, it’s a very specific picture of the way I feel,
it is inspired in me by my thoughts of him.
I am not an artist in any way shape or form, I actually can barely
draw. My art professor however, assured
us all that we can all draw if we really wanted to. When I was growing up, I always loved to
color and I always wanted to learn about art. After taking my art class, I loved it that much more, Art is amazing! but what's more amazing about art, is the significance behind it. While I was taking my art class we wrote to this artist and when he wrote us back, he said that sometimes he just drew it just came to him, but others, he definitely felt inspired by something or someone. So I don’t draw
very well, but I have this picture in my mind that I have to try to draw, as an
adult, I feel like I need to express myself in more ways than one, so for the
last about year, I have been thinking about this drawing that I want to draw
for him. I already started drawing it
last night and hope to finish it in time for his birthday so that I can put it on here.
Will he ever
see it? I HAVE NO IDEA! But I will not allow anyone to take away from me, these
deep desires that I have in my heart, I want to draw something for someone who
meant something too deep for me to ignore and although he does not deserve it
which is why I will never send it to him, I still want to do it, because I feel
it in my heart.
I am ever so
grateful to have you my sweet journal, because with you, I can share all of me!
It is so awesome to know that I can come on here and share with you all of my
deepest thoughts and hopes and dreams.
But I don’t know journal, sometimes I get this feeling that these words
are being read by other eyes, I wonder why that is? When I loose myself in you,
in my thoughts, I don’t much care if someone did read you, because I am ever so
faithful to you and only you.
This
morning my mother told me that our privacy should not be shared with others, I
disagree. It is important to be able to
express and to share and to hope that when you do so, you do so with people
that don’t judge or are out to hurt you.
I believe in karma and therefore, if someone tries to hurt me with the
things that I share, I know in my heart that there will be nothing that I will
need to do, because the universe will take care of the things that try to hurt
me. I feel protected by god and love and
I am completely comfortable if someone read every last page of you.
MY JOURNAL………MY
TRUEST OF LOVE…….
