Is it important that every couple have "a song" I don't know if that is just a dumb tradition or if it's an absolute thing, but I don't think I can remember ever having a song with anyone, which sort of makes me sad because I've been in plenty relationships in my life but I can't honestly say when a song comes on, oh wow that was mine and xyz's song. Sure as I'm writing this post that brings tears to my eyes because I'm super emotional. But I was listening to music and all of a sudden, I found my "future our song" which I mean I don't know who or when I will be in love again, but I hope that whomever that wonderful man may be, that he will be ok with this being our song!
When I opened up my laptop and saw the date, the first thing I thought was..... I think today is Ben's bday! (Benjamin Nunez) that's not his name! so I was like, well I'm too lazy to grab my phone and look on FB to see if it is, and I never remember my FB password so can't do that either, so I googled him and of course he popped up everywhere as he has been blogging for years and has many followers and actually gets comments on his blog, not like me I get zero! but I did see that my page view had gone up, which always makes me happy cause it's nice to know that people (hopefully strangers) are curious to read something or that my blog came up on a search or something. I can't tell who reads my posts but I can tell that there were hits to my blog. So on the web I found out that he also has a YouTube page and I started to listen to one of his videos and 2 seconds later I was like, well, I don't care and I went onto this blog to start writing this post. It so weird to me how he doesn't matter to me now but once upon a time he was all I could think about and now he is just another person to me. He was meaningful though, without him I would not have this blog, he inspired me and that's why here I am still writing! I often get mad at myself because I feel that if I would of stuck to my writing, I would likely have more followers or readers by now and also that I could of thought of so many interesting things to write other than my probably boring life to the masses.
Tonight I'm going to write about my very first experience in my current role, because this story has to be told as it is pretty sad and happens way to often in this world. My current role is working as a social caseworker, working with justice involved youth. I am really excited about this role because when I was in my teens, I feel that my HS counselor changed my life and while I cannot at this time say why she changed my life, I can say that the impact she had on my life was pretty meaningful, so I believe that working with youth is meaningful and can be life changing and I only hope that 20 years from now someone can say, this woman Jazzy who was my social worker changed my life! that would be awesome!
So I get my first case and I'm supposed to meet the family so I call the family and talk to the dad and he tells me that he's grateful to get any support he can with his son, who suffers from mental health issues and that he is really out of control and ran away and they have no idea where he is (this is all I can say about the story) I had a long conversation with dad that morning and we agreed that I would meet the family once son was found and back home. Well, when I reached out to the family the next time, I find out an hour after I message the family to touch base, that the child had passed away presumably from an overdose.
My reaction to this news was to start to cry really hard! (I didn't get the news from the family, I got it from my boss over an instant message) I was so devastated that a child had just lost his life to drugs! anytime someone dies of a drug overdose it reminds me of the huge problem we have in this country and all over this world with drugs. It also reminds me of all the people in my personal life I have lost to this horrible disease! I was so sad for this family and felt really weird because this was my first experience in my current role. That day was rough for me, I kept thinking that I don't know if this is the type of work I want to continue doing, yet I feel that if I left this kind of work, I would probably miss it. I am not sure but sometimes I just feel that this is what I'm supposed to be doing and that life's journey has brought me here to this moment to this role.
I'm going through many different things right now, so I really like to listen to the song I will post at the end of this post. I like it so much because it takes me back to my room in my apt. in Brooklyn, where I first started writing this my journal. This song reminds me that I overcame so much stuff in my life time and that I'm sure that I will overcome so much more. Some days when I'm really down, I think of those who have taken their own lives and I think to myself, I can understand how sometimes life can be so hard and so challenging and so sad and I can understand almost why you would want to just leave it. But, do we really know if death will be better than this what we go through here? I hope and pray that if anyone ever feels that way especially a youth that I'm working with, that they can talk to me about it, who knows, I might just direct them to my blog and say...... You want to read about sad shit, check out this blog! sure I mainly post my sob stories, but I assure you I have had so many happy moments as well. Life is like a wave and you just have to know how to ride it and if you fall, you have to get up and try riding the wave again and again and while you will probably never master it, you will at least learn how to cope.
While I was in my car crying the other day and the song came on, I thought to myself, why am I crying? it could be worse, I could of just lost my 16 year old son! and that made me cry even harder because I will never know what that poor family must be going through and how they must be blaming themselves about what happened. I only hope that they will not break apart and that they will find comfort in each other. I hope that this angel is resting somewhere beautiful and that maybe there is a better place that we go to when our time is here.
On Wednesday I started a new virtual class at the School of Practical Philosophy! I'm so excited that I'm able to take this 10 week class again after all these years 9 to be exact. That seems so long ago yet not really. During the first class, we talked about a few topics but the one that I remembered most was the practice of saying "what would a wise person do?" listening to that brought me back to 9 years ago and I broke down in tears.
When I attended the school back then, I mainly did so because I knew Benjamin (that's not his real name) would be attending the classes, at that point I had not seen him in a few years and when I did, I remember I had to run out to central park during my break to cry. I feel that my life has been filled with so much sadness when it comes to love, it almost makes you want to give up on it, but then I remember that not everyone is the same and that sometimes you have to experience great hurt, to appreciate great love when it does come to your life.
I did cry during the first session reminiscing on a love that I once knew. The love that was so great that it took me years to overcome, but here I am writing about it once again and feeling ok, and knowing that I did in fact move on from that heart ache. The other day or maybe a few months ago, I was looking at Ben's FB page (we are not friends but he's sort of a public figure so he writes about technology and posts on FB, Twitter etc.) anyway, I had not done that in a really long time but every now and then I like to check to see how he's doing, in a very weird way he was a very significant part of my life and some days I wonder if our paths will ever cross again. So I'm looking at his posts and he had posted a song that he had posted way back when we played our virtual mind games and for a brief moment I thought, is this for me? and I was so tempted to post something back almost to say hey I'm still watching or hey, I see what you did or hey look, I still think of you from time to time, but then I decided that those games we played were more hurtful than great.
I wonder if other people have played the game he and I did, I know he was playing it with me, because when we were both attending the School of Practical Philosophy we were having a conversation where I referenced something I had posted on FB and his response to that almost automatically without thinking it through was "oh I saw that!" he and I were not friends on FB so for him to say that meant he did look at my stuff he saw my responses and he played the game with me. Another day he said to me, it was SO HARD not responding to your text sometimes and I thought, then why didn't you? The best thing that came out of all those games was this journal, this journal means so much to me and I'm happy to be back sitting with my laptop and writing, I feel inspired and motivated and think that I want to take another writing class or join a writing group or something that will keep me doing this what I love to do!
When I think back about why I left NYC, I know now that I left because I felt defeated, I've been feeling defeated again lately, luckily I have this journal, great people in my life and a bunch of coping strategies to help me through my difficult times, but sometimes I definitely see how life can really be hard when you don't have any of those things or none. I see how our minds can be so manipulative and how we can tell ourselves things that aren't even true because we are our worst critiques.
Journal, going back to the School of Practical Philosophy has made me miss home so badly! if I could go back tomorrow I would. I wish I could even just go for a long visit, I just miss my Brooklyn so much! I am looking forward to reminding myself before I act, "what would a wise person do" and hopefully figure out ways to cope with the things that life throws at us everyday!
Here are the posts I wrote about the school before:
I feel like it's safe to say that we all FB stalk every now and then, I had been off from FB for a really long time and then I got back on and sometimes I enjoy it but I don't feel that I go on it as much as I did years ago because I just like Twitter better. But yesterday I was having a really rough day and for some reason I thought about the man in B5 Wilferm! (that's not his real name) but he did tell me once that I could use that name as his alias for my blog. Anyway, he doesn't have a FB page or maybe he does I feel like I found something weird that he would do so it might be his, but either way, I know names of people in his family so I looked up someone's name hoping that maybe they had posted a picture of my old friend and that maybe I could see him.
WELL, to my surprise the person I looked up had posted pictures of their wedding, which I recall the wedding because the wedding was when he and I were friends and him and I had talked about it and he had told me he was part of the wedding party. When I looked at the pictures and saw him in one of those old wedding pictures I thought to myself....... WOW! He was truly the man I would of never left NYC for! I swear that the connection I felt with him was so unreal and I wish he would of seen what I did, but such is life!
I once told him I did that, you know looked up his family on FB and he got annoyed at me, I'm not sure why he was annoyed, I wasn't stalking them I simply missed my friend and wanted to see if I could know something about him, we are human that is what we do sometimes. I don't talk to him anymore but there are SO MANY TIMES when I want to message him so badly and say hello, but I'm afraid he won't respond and I just don't feel like feeling like shit. I saved the picture that I saw of him on my phone because the next person I fall in love with, is going to look just like him and is going to have similar traits. He is tall thin and has dark hair dark brown eyes and the most amazing lips that I got to kiss and that was fun! He has a pretty cool family, they just all seem so chill. I remember him telling me that his mom was a hippie and she seems like she is and that's pretty darn cool!
No matter how many heart breaks you go through journal, there is always that memory of the people that you've met that should set the standard for what you want. I lost myself in a world of lies and deceit and heartache and pain, but I always come back better! I KNOW that my one is out there with all the wrong girls, and one day we will meet. Who knows, maybe one day Wilferm will come to his senses and contact me again! IMAGINE? I would move back to Brooklyn in a NYC minute if that ever happened! one can wish and dream and hope, this is my journal and I'll wish if I want to!
Ps. tomorrow I start virtual School of Practical Philosophy and I cannot wait!!! so exciting!
I had published this post originally on September 30, 2020 at 7:45 a.m., But took it down after my ex and I broke up because I was to embarrassed to have it up after we broke up, mainly because I felt so ridiculous and because I could not bare what I was going through. For the record, my ex proposed to me at the beach in Seaside, Oregon. I can't remember the date I wish I did, but it was right before I moved back to CO. Him asking me to marry him really took me by surprise, although we had talked about it before, I had no idea that he was going to ask me on Sunday afternoon, I know it was on a Sunday because that was the only day we both had off so we would often go to the beach together on Sunday's. The crazy thing is, that we had been to the beach so many times but had never gone into the water together because anytime we went to the beach it was in the Pacific North West and the water was freezing! we had also been to the beach in San Francisco, but it was also cold. Our plan was to eventually go to Miami together and finally get in the water together, we never had the chance to do so. I remember he was in the car and I had got out of the car and was by the boardwalk, there was no one around as it was still pretty cold out. Then he came to where I was standing and looked at me and said, "baby, will you marry me?" I could tell he was a bit nervous and I was definitely taken aback but then I was like of course I will! and I remember tearing up because I was so happy. Also for the record, he didn't go on his knees nor did he have a ring so I felt a little disappointed about that, but we talked about the ring he was going to buy me and stuff like that after. I am picky but nor really! I told him I wanted him to pick it as he knew my taste in stuff. He was always such a thoughtful gift giver, I will miss him for a long time to come! I hope with all my heart he is well!
Dear journal - 8/30/2020
I want to start writing again, I often still talk about you and the other day I was telling someone how I had a blog and they thought that was so cool! When I told her it was about my personal life she said it didn't matter, the point is that I write (I don't really anymore) but why can't I find that drive to do so again?
Anyway, I came on here this morning for a very important reason at least to me it's important. I woke up at almost 6 a.m. this morning and couldn't sleep, I couldn't sleep because I was exhausted last night and went to bed really early. When I wake up I like to go through my emails because I'm subscribed to a lot of different blogs about mainly health topics, so I typically read the email subject and if it's an article I want to read but don't have time at the moment, I leave it in my inbox to read it later. I have so many articles piled up, so getting up early is nice because I feel like I have extra time for myself. So, I get up and start going through my emails and realize I have emails saved from 2010! HOLY SHIT! I didn't even know I had stuff from that long ago! some of them were college homework that I had submitted to one of my professors!
I also came across an email that I wrote to myself in April 2010 when I was "madly in love with Benjamin Nunez" while that isn't his real name, he was the reason and inspiration for me to start this blog and that is the ONLY reason why I'm mentioning him on this post, because reading that email brings me to why I'm writing this specific post right now.
When I read the email, I started crying so hard, because I realized in that moment that Benjamin Nunez, was never really "My love" he was someone that maybe had to pass through my life so that I could find out in some weird way, so many things about myself. Benjamin and I met while I was pregnant with my daughter (I was also separated from my then husband) Benjamin and I became friends in person and soon after we stopped seeing each other in person because he left the building where we both worked, so when he told me he was leaving his job at the time, he gave me his business card and we stayed in touch vie email/txt/internet messaging and established a friendship that way. We eventually saw each other again, but we never even shared a kiss, he was my "friend" who really wasn't a good friend. My point is that during that time of my life I was so "in it" I didn't realize the harm this person had caused me and while now I don't have any ill feelings toward him, I know for a fact, that he was definitely not "my love" because true love looks VERY different than what I experienced then. What that experience did do to me, was it made me create a wall so high, that I never thought I could ever love anyone ever again in my life.
Fast forward 10 years later and here I am again on this blog but this time with a story that fills my heart with nothing but joy! I have written about my current love only a few times on this blog, there are so many reasons why I think that I haven't written about him often, the main one being that I wanted our life to be private. I asked him in the past if he cared if I wrote about us and he said he didn't, yet I don't know, I just wanted our love to be our love I guess. Yet anytime I have ever written about him, it's only ever been about the bad things that have happened, or how he may have hurt me or how we have broken up etc. yet never once, have I written a good thing that has happened between us or how we have successfully found each other time and time again no matter what we go through!
Why is it journal that we only tell our sad stories and not share our happy ones? is it that deep down inside we are afraid that people may judge negatively that we are happy? OR better yet, is it that I'm so afraid of being happy that I'm afraid to write it because then it's real? OR maybe I'm afraid that sharing my happiness with people might make them feel a certain way? as the saying goes, haters gonna hate! Makes me sad to put this in writing to express these things on my blog because as I'm writing this I realize how many times I haven't shared a good thing because I was afraid of being judged and that shouldn't be ok. The only time I let go of this fear, is when get really angry and tell myself that everyone can go fuck themselves because guess what, NO ONE TAKES CARE OF JAZZY BUT JAZZY! and therefore, who cares what anyone thinks right? right!
Journal, without further a do, I want to share with you that I am engaged and that I am happy and that I found MY TRUE LOVE! yes I did! This man came into my life 4 years ago and since that time, we have been through SO MUCH! but when I think about why we've been through all these trials and tribulations, I realize that most of the time, it was because my WALLS WERE SO HIGH, that when I think back at our relationship, I can almost imagine him with a chisel trying to break those walls down and me putting those brick blocks back up! obviously, it's way more complicated than that and I by no means mean to say that he isn't human and doesn't make his own mistakes and that we have had to learn together or that he hasn't done things that weren't ok, however no matter what, he has never given up on me and I don't give up on him and this is exactly what has kept us loving each other the way we do. I feel like he has fought for me without hesitation or fear, he's so fearless when it comes to the way he loves me, I don't think anyone has ever loved me that way before and I feel so blessed and so lucky that someone loves me that way.
I also don't think I would of ever realized any of this, had it not been for the help of my last therapist, I went to her for over a year and she was truly amazing and she helped me SO MUCH and she helped me realize that I COULD let the walls come down and that I DID deserve to be loved and be happy! I am so grateful to her! and thanks to her I feel a sense of freedom and like a heavy burden has been lifted, I don't walk around feeling scared to love someone and let him love me. I'm also thankful and grateful that he never gave up on me.
Will I come back on this journal one day and tell you a story of something that went wrong between us again at some point or about an argument? maybe, I mean we are human and it won't always be perfect, but you best believe I'll be on here bragging about my love when he does something great too! because why not? the point of me starting this journal 10 years ago was so that I could share my story, no matter how insignificant it may be to the world, but this is my story and if nothing else, it's out there some way some how! and I've had over 40 thousand hits to this blog and I don't know who is looking at it, but I get hits on it and I don't even post anything anymore or go on to my blog. Imagine if I would of kept writing? I even made a few dollars from this blog (never claimed the money) but as my writing professor said to me, if you get paid for it then you are a writer!
So here I am once again journal to tell you that I am engaged to chino (that's not his real name) but I am and I am thrilled and I LOVE HIM SOOOOOO MUCH! and this post is dedicated to him and so is the song that I will leave you with at the end of this post, because I came across the song while going through my phone and while having a morning filled with realizations and when I heard it I cried SO HARD! but out of happiness because the lyrics of this beautiful song, express how I feel about my love! and that was what made me get on my laptop and start writing!
CS - Thank you my love for helping me find my inspiration to write again and to be able to share a happy moment in my life and express without being afraid of what the world has to say about us.
I dedicate this song to you! - CJS FOREVER!
Never Knew love like this before - Stephanie Mills
It's been so long, I don't even know where to start. I guess I can start by saying that life has been so complicated and different for me in the past few years, that I sort of lost myself in a way that I don't know how to explain and that so much has happened that I don't even know where I would start.
I lived in Oregon for two years or 1 year and 11 months to be exact, for the most part I was pretty happy there, my oldest son who is in the military was stationed in Washington about 2 hours from me, so I was seeing him about once a month and it was so great! I loved being close to him because we had been living apart for 4 years since I had moved from NYC to CO and being close to him made me feel really happy, but then in December of 2019 he left to Europe on a military assignment and after he was gone, things just didn't seem the same. The day that he left, I couldn't get up from bed because I was so extremely depressed, I had to call out from work because I literally couldn't get up, so after that day I began to think of life and try and figure out what was next for me.
While I was there in Oregon, I was in a relationship with the same person I had been in a relationship with since I lived in CO, he went with me to OR because that is where he also wanted to be, so at the time it was a win win situation for me, my partner was happy to go to OR and I was happy to go also because I would be close to my son. However, my relationship was less than perfect and while I was in OR my partner lost his best friend. I have never had to experience someone loosing someone and loosing themselves in the process and I can't even get into it right now because I have a pretty bad headache, but I will say this, in my mind I could not grasp why he was taking out on me the fact that he had lost his friend, I had not done anything to him or at least I didn't think I had. Nonetheless, I tried to be supportive in anyway that I could knowing that nothing I did or would do would change the way he felt or the way he was treating me.
In January of 2020 I visited my granddaughter in CO during my visit, I also lost my grandmother. Loosing her was pretty hard but I was expecting it so it wasn't a shock to my system it was sort of a relief to know that she would finally stop her suffering. My grandma, she remembered us all until her dying day. After that happened, I decided that I needed to move back because I just felt that I needed to be closer to my granddaughter and younger son.
I went back to OR and told my partner that I had made this decision and he let me know he would not be going back with me. So much has happened but I don't really want to get into the details. The reason why I'm writing this post is because I need to get all this out of my system. I'm writing this post because my partner started off by saying he wouldn't go back with me and then he said he would and then not and then yes and I lived with this uncertainty for 4 months. Finally right as I had everything ready, I was proposed to and assured that he would go with me because he loved me and didn't want to loose me. Fast forward to now, 3 weeks into being back in CO and the hesitation of him coming started again, so what did I do? I let him go.
Dear journal, if you love someone you let them go, if you believe that they will be happy somewhere and that somewhere is not next to you then it's ok, you accept. I'm writing because I'm numb, one moment I'm hurt the next I try to use logic to understand why this is all ok, and the next I'm completely heart broken because someone asked me to trust him, someone asked me to marry him and that same someone couldn't make it out to me because after he lost his friend he lost himself and hasn't been able to get back to a place of inner happiness and inner peace and to be honest I'm done trying as I cannot make anyone that isn't happy be happy just by being there, or doing what he needs so that he can be happy. Being someone's significant other doesn't mean making that person happy, or being the reason they are happy; it means making their happy life happier. I'm sorry I couldn't make his life happier, I'm sorry he hurt me and I'm sorry that I won't have him in my life anymore, but I'm not sorry that I'm back in CO and that I did what I needed to do for me. Life is hard, life is just hard!
If I'm good at goodbye's, then why is this goodbye so hard? I don't think I have struggled with anything in such a long time as I have struggled with my most recent break up, last night I had some friends over my apartment and we were talking about my struggles, the funny thing is that one of the friends that were there was my ex boyfriend of two years ago, who I had a very good relationship with and who I truly care about as a person and a friend, and we were saying how him and I had such a cool relationship and how I always trusted him and how unfortunately things didn't work out because we didn't want the same things but how it's so cool that we can still be friends.
Life changes journal. This post was originally written on Dec. 2017.
Hell! I don't even know how to start journal! but I've been given permission by my current love that I can share our story! YAY while it's been hard, painful, complicated, it's definitely been a story that shouldn't be kept a secret, yet I've tried to keep it a secret because I didn't want the world to know what I've been going through. But when I look back and see all the trials and tribulations that have bought us here, I feel that it's only fair to share with you my ever so faithful journal, because these are the true events of my true life story and one day when I'm gone I want someone anyone to look back at these pages and feel a sense of comfort that with my words I will always and forever live :) like Freud! (lol, wishful thinking journal). Anyway, although I don't post I still write so here is my journal from April, 2017 when I went with my current boyfriend to hippie hill in fabulous, San Francisco, California! Whenever I get really angry and emotional, it's probably the only time I
should not say a thing to my love and wait till I cool off; but I just
don't know how to do that. I blew up on him while in the airport and
wanted to cry and all sorts of things, because that's how hurt I felt.
Now I'm a bit more calm but still feeling really hurt by him and the
fact that he first went on FB before checking up on me. I get that we
are all addicted to Facebook! the fascination of feeling close to people
virtually is uncontrollable, the feeling of acceptance by how many
likes you get, the sense of community and being liked, all on your
phone, right there for immediate gratification, I understand all that.
What I don't understand, is how you say you love someone and the minute
you are up you aren't wondering if the person you love is ok, on their
way, what is going on with this person who I can actually touch, kiss,
hug and makes me feel loved. I constantly feel with my love as if I'm
competing for him. I feel like I have to compete with other women, his
family, his friends, everything! I know he loves me and I don't question
that, but I also know that I'm not his number one. When you are number
one, you are first in someone's mind first thing in the morning, you let
family down for them, you turn away from your friends if that's what it
takes to be with this person. I recognize also that it's not healthy
nor cool for me to ask someone to do all those things for me, I don't
want him to turn his back on family, I don't want him to turn away from his
friends. All I wanted on this trip was a little time with the person I
love, a little time away from the norm, some quality time somewhere
different. Instead, I'm getting nothing but heart ache and anxiety, is
that fair to me? What lengths would I go through for him? What lengths
would he go through, for me? There is an unevenness that I don't like.
But all this to me is a learning experience, I'm learning that I need to
not give so much but only what I get. I need to make friends, go out, I
need to stop making him my world, because I'm going to end up hurt. I
don't know what will happen when I get off this plane, I will take it
one step at a time, and while I said that being alone for a day was a
good thing, I realize now that I only said that to make myself feel
better because the man I love couldn't make time for just me. It hurts
my heart that I'm not in the same category as everyone else in his life.
What then, do I do moving forward? Is it time to start moving on
emotionally and slowly letting go? Because my heart hurts and my stomach
hurts and I'm anxious and this all does not feel good, it's not cool at
all. End of entry................. Since this happened a year ago journal, I can tell you the end of this particular story........... My love and I met after me breaking up with him and him insisting that I was his number one priority. I love him so much! I was so mad and I didn't tell him where I was in San Francisco and then after numerous messages I finally told him and he came to meet up with me with his child hood friends! which to me, meant that he wanted me to be in his life so much so, that he wanted me to meet the most important people in his life! his childhood friends!...... stay tuned journal so much more to come..... My love and I have been through so much! BUT....... we love each other! and this is just the beginning of this story!....
It is with deep sadness in my heart that I report to you that my relationship of a year and three months has come to an end, and while it's been now over for a while, it is only now that I can bring myself to type those words, it is definitely over. I once asked Chino (that's not his real name and he isn't Chinese or Hispanic) if he would be ok with me writing about him or our relationship, and he said that would be ok, however, I never did because a part of me had become lazy and comfortable and always felt like there wasn't much to say about it and if we were going through difficulties, I didn't want others to know about it.
Now that it is over, I have nothing to say but so much to say all at once. I guess I can start by telling you journal that I'm deeply hurt, and while this break up is amicable and almost a mutual agreement, I also feel that he didn't give us a fair chance, that when things got tough for him (he had some family issues) he almost took out those issues on our relationship and found anything bad that he could to give up on us. I have to admit that I had my part in it obviously, and I am in no way blaming him for it all, but I do feel like I got a little bit of the shitty end of the stick. The hardest part about it all is that we are broken up still sleeping in the same bed, and this is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my whole life! not because I yearn to touch him or kiss him, because I focus so much on this is over, that I don't feel like I want to do any of that, but because he is still there right next to me and I can no longer call him mine. What did that ever even mean? is anyone truly ever ours? is the simple fact that we share a mutual feeling for one another the sole reason to believe that the person is yours?
I always ask questions that I neither am going to have answers for nor am I going to probably get answers for, but isn't that what life is all about? asking questions and trying to find answers? I guess that's the philosophy side of me that asks, I wish I could of met Plato, he was so amazing! anyway, I started to write this post 2 months ago and couldn't finish it, it was really hard to write about all that I have been going through, but now I feel like I need to write, because writing will be what will make me feel more like me again. I think the reason why I initially started to write this post was because back then when I was going through all these emotions as I laid in bed with someone who turned out to be a lying cheating fake, I used to so badly wish that I was still religious, I kept feeling like I had no one to ask to help me take the pain away, I kept wishing that I still believed that there is something so powerful out there that it takes it all away, that it helps you through it, I remember when I had a faith, I remember I was taught to give the ever so powerful lord all my problems and he would take them all away, I used to say here are my problems lord, but nothing ever happened, the problems would still be there, but it felt good to put them out there to this great spiritual being that would take them away. I don't beat anyone for their beliefs as I feel that having faith in anything is better than being like me, I guess an atheist? not really sure what I am or believe in anymore. But I'm finishing up this post today because I have a few drafts on my blog that I have neglected, and it's time to start putting my life out there again, because nothing matters anymore, I've given up on hope, love, hurt, sadness and every sort of emotion I can think of. Why? because life is sometimes better when you believe that there's nothing other than an empty space inside of you.
I'll end this post by saying that when you loose someone you love, you also loose your memories of all the good, and only the bad things stay inside and that really sucks............
The last almost two months of my life seem like a horrific nightmare that I can't wake up from. I feel so confused and so deeply hurt. I am writing you today because I feel that I need to start feeling like me again, and being me involves you. I know that I have neglected you for way to long, but the truth is that for a very long time I felt no inspiration, I became lazy and began to adopt habits of the person I was in love with. Sometimes there are people that come into your life and make you want to be better, and then there are those that come into your life and you just become engrossed in them so much that you start to almost neglect yourself.
I don't know what happened to me in this last relationship journal, for so long I worked on myself so much that I thought I was ready! I thought I was the best me that I had ever been, I thought that I was going to be so great with whomever I fell in love with but what I found out was that I hadn't really become my best self, I went back to old habits that I had in my previous relationships, I became so engrossed in the other person that I forgot about the person that mattered the most....ME.
I have been going to therapy now for a little over a month, and I have found out so many things about myself that I am upset that I didn't start therapy before. I have found that I am too giving and often neglect my own needs to please other people. I can see how I do that, I guess to a certain extent pleasing others pleases me, or so I tell myself. But now that I am out of this relationship and I look back, I see it all, how I let myself get absorbed by the person I love, which is so unhealthy.
The person I loved cheated on me and was really cruel to me, I have been cheated on in the past, but I must say, that the way it was done to me this time was probably the worst of all. I never in a million years believed that this person I was in love with would of been capable of not only cheating, but also giving me explicit details about what he had done. These visions are still going around in my head, because this is something I just recently found out. I feel such disgust to know that I was capable of loving such a person, someone that had no remorse or felt bad about what he did. I mean if I would of done something to deserve what he did, like if I would of cheated first or betrayed him in some way then I guess it would be different since some people are vengeful and feel the need to get you back, but for me to just get all that stuff that I did not deserve, I just don't get it.
Journal, I am a strong woman, I know that I will recover from this, I know that I will love again and find someone that will truly love me and respect me the way I deserve, but until then, I will come to you whenever I'm feeling down, to put my sadness on here and not hold it in my heart.
Thank you my ever so faithful journal, for you are my rock.
I will leave you with a song my amazing friend told me to listen too, I have to say that I have so many amazing people in my life, that it gives me hope that there are some really good humans out there. While I know I played my part in everything that happened, I only wish he would of been a bit more sensitive with his words towards me, I wish I could feel that he really regretted what he did and that he really was sorry. I don't know what goes on in his mind on a daily basis, I have no idea what he must feel or what he is going through. I am so sad that things had such a sad ending, you always hope that break ups end amicable. I just need to find the strength in me every single day and remember that this too shall pass, that the hurt will go away, that the anxiety will lessen, that the thoughts of him will slowly disappear, that the love will fade. I know I can do this, I just wish it would go away faster, because Jazzy's heart is full of sadness.
Jazzy is going through a whole lot right now, but I can't bring myself to write any of it because I don't even know where to start. This morning, I was looking through some notes and found this post that I had written but don't think I ever posted. So, here it is a post from May of 2016, when I was definitely in a different place than I am today. I think then, I was way happier.
I will be back, for there is much to tell..... till then wish me love.....
Also, good to note that I have not spoken to AJ for about a year now, he's probably the strangest friend I've ever had, I almost feel like I did something to him that makes him recent me or something, either way, I'm ok with that, I feel like I have all the people that I need in my life.
May 13, 2016
Journal
How are thou? I always say this and it's true, I often think of you, but I can't get myself to put the words in here anymore, is almost as if I left you behind in NYC with all my pain that there remains. Sometimes I wonder if this is my place of solace, a place where I came to leave it all behind, my past my hurt my old self. The mountains console me, I never feel down anymore, and while I miss my beautiful sky line, I no longer feel the yearn of being there again. I am content, though I might be alone without a person to love in a romantic way, I have so much love from so many great new friends that I don't miss it, I don't feel the need for it, yet sometimes I fear to end up alone, if that is even possible.
I have forgotten what a romantic connection feels like, yet I remember what it meant to me once upon a time. I can honestly say that in CO there is only but one person that sort of reminds me of what a connection feels like and it brings me a bit of comfort knowing that with him although I don't feel it still, I know we had one a long time ago. AJ, who is almost the reason why I ended up here, I grabbed on to him for a reason, and though I still don't know what that reason is, I believe it was part of the journey that I had to go on.
I had not seen AJ in a year maybe more, and the other day we had coffee, and for the first time since I've known him, I felt that we were finally in a good place, yet seeing him reminded me of what I felt when I did have connections, but I know in my heart that our connection can only stay as friendship, and I'm truly ok with that.
Today however something strange happened, I went to a training for work, and I met a man, who I instantly felt attracted too, I don't ever feel attracted to anyone anymore, but of course just my luck he is married and journal you know how much I respect another woman's man. Still I could tell the feeling was mutual, and while there was no flirting, something told me that he felt it also, and it reminded me of a book I read that talks about soul mates, how we can have so many in this world, but once you pick one and
they pick you, you must always stay true to that one person. clearly he is with his choice, yet for me, feeling attracted to someone made me feel happy, it reminded me that I can still be one day, so I am alive! I am here! And I'm not a robot!
The crazy thing about this whole story of today is that earlier on my way to the training, a song came on my playlist, that briefly took me back home to Brooklyn! And for a few brief moments I thought about him, the man in B5 and I wondered how he was doing, and sent him well wishes mentally and missed him dearly! I also fantasized how happy we would have been if he would of given me a chance, and how connected I had felt to him, and how not often in life those connections cross your path, and how I could not talk to him became it was best, and how I would of stayed in NYC just for him and would of been ok with that decision, and how much he would like Colorado if he was adventurous like me.
So tonight as I sit here thinking about all of this, it was so easy to make the words flow onto you, because still he inspires me, and still when I think of him the man in B5 it's easy to write, and it reminds me of how he told me to find someone else to inspire me and how it's been nearly 4 years since I last saw him and still the thought of him helps me pour my thoughts into this my journal.
I wish he would have believed in himself the way I did, I wish he could have seen what I did. And so often I also think of Benjamin Nunez, but when I compare the two although I never fell deeply in love with the man from B5 how I loved Benjamin, I know the man in B5 could of become one of my great loves, the connection was out of this world, it was a spiritual one that I know even he felt, or maybe that whole story was all in my creative mind, and maybe it was just meant to be written.
Still, I am glad that today I went down memory lane, that today I was able to put my thoughts and feelings onto you my journal, for it has been to long my lovely! and while I don't know when the words will flow again, I can assure you that once again soon they will! because there is much more to live and write.
