Then along came him.........

 Dear journal -

So much has happened since I last sat here on my bed and got on this laptop to share with you again.  I always think to myself, that the next journal I write will be about something different and not just my life.  But then I also think to myself that after all, this is my journal so I want to share my life.  I want to share on here this memory because one day when I come back to read this post, I can think back and be like......WOW...... I over came all of it! and he sort of helped me through it! he was sent to me like an angel in disguise as I told him.  

Let me start by telling you what happened to me  a few weeks;  I would say it was about  three weeks ago,  I was in OR for a friends bachelorette party and I saw my ex with his new "love" I put the word love in quotes because I don't believe that he himself believes that, but then again, I don't know, it can very well be as people are weird like that and the truth is the more time goes by the more I think that I never really knew this person, and he may very well be "madly in love" I mean who am I to take that away from him? I also am very realistic and know now that I never really knew this person and that he is capable of so many things that why wouldn't he be in love right? I didn't really know him! sure maybe I knew his surface, maybe his bad habits, maybe even his next move sometimes, but in the end, I didn't know him at all.  So, I won't get into details as they are not important but I just remember thinking after seeing him with her, that I could not believe that he could just be moving on so easily as if we had not just broken up less than 6 months ago after spending 4 years together and even being engaged.  I wasn't angry at the fact that I saw him with her because he had already told me he was with someone and was going to marry her in April, so sometime this month.  So it wasn't so much feeling hurt to see him with someone else, but seeing him with this person made everything seem real! in that moment I realized that this relationship was really over and that I would never ever be with this man ever again.  I am finally ok with that and feel that I am in a way better place simply because I saw him with someone else.  I saw him for who he truly is and I won't write what I think of him on this journal because I don't want to dirty these pages with bad mean words.  If I don't have anything good to say, I will just leave it be.

Now to write what I really came on here to write about.  When I returned from my trip to Oregon and after finally accepting reality, I told myself that I was going to give myself a chance and I was going to actually start talking to people.  It so happened that the day I returned from my trip, I matched with someone on the dating site I was on and when I saw his profile after we matched, I thought he was really handsome.  He messaged me and we started talking and our conversation just started flowing, he asked me out and wanted to know if we could see each other the next day, so I said ok! long story short, I go to his place to pick him up because he only had his work vehicle and we were going to go get some drinks and when I saw him walking out the door my mouth dropped! OMG!!!!!! sooooooo handsome! I NEVER feel that like butterfly exciting type feeling when I initially meet someone, but when I saw him it was......... LUST AT FIRST SIGHT! I asked him if I could get out of the car to say hello and I get out and we give each other a hug and OMG....... I felt like a tiny woman in his big arms! He is so tall and just so damn cute I can't handle it! we went out and had so much fun and we have been seeing each other since! I am so completely smitten! I love the attention he gives me and we can talk for HOURS! I won't even get into the intimate stuff but I guess I will just say....... OMG! writing this post makes me smile, I smile anytime I think of him and I look like one of those weird people that are driving in their car smiling, yea that's me journal!

I don't know where this new romance is going or how long it will last or what we are even doing, all I know is that we both enjoy each others company and I am SO GLAD, that I saw what I saw, because had I not seen it, I wouldn't have given this man a chance, I may have never even met him.  In Colombia there is a saying "un clavo saca a otro" which basically means, one nail takes out another nail, that makes absolutely no sense, but it's supposed to mean that one person can replace another.  I don't think he's replacing anyone for me, I think he simply came into my life when I needed to be reminded that I am amazing! that I am cool, that I am beautiful, that I am smart and that I am funny and that men enjoy my company and like to be around me.  Life is feeling good journal, I feel happy and not only because I'm seeing someone that is super awesome, but also because everything else in my life is coming together and I finally feel free from all that hurt that I went through!

I will leave you journal with the song that my new "boo friend" as I like to call him and we laugh about, sent to me the other night when I left his home.  He said he wanted me to stay so bad, it's always hard to leave when I'm with him. YAY! he makes me want to stay! the song is called stay and it's a lovely song! I keep thinking that I need to dedicate a song to him also, I just don't know which one.  I was thinking about one called Tell me by Grove Theory, it's an oldy but goodie!

Should I send it to him?

Memories of a love that I was knew

 Dear journal -

I published a post a few weeks ago that I cannot find nor do I remember what it was about, but I went on my blog stats and noticed that someone had looked at an old post from 2012 and it made me think of Benjamin.  Sometimes when I think of him my heart still feels heavy and it reminds me that the pain I felt all those years ago went away eventually and that I conquered it.  I cried to a friend the other night telling him that Benjamin defeated me, that the love he never gave me defeated me and ran me out of NYC, I had nothing left to give the city that never sleeps and I could not continue to live in the city where he was as well.  I can say this now without reservation because I'm no longer living that horrible pain that the man I never kissed caused me, but back then, it was so real.  I remember that as my son and I drove out of the city on our way to Colorado, I said farewell my love in my thoughts to someone that at that time I had not seen in years, and now when I think back at that moment I wonder, was I calling him my love or NYC my love? 

While there are times that I deeply regret leaving the concrete jungle, there are definitely others where I think, but had I not made my way out of there, what would of been of me? of my life? of my hurt? Since then so much has happened, I have grown so much, I almost feel like a whole new woman.  I had not experienced that much pain since those days of old, not until recently with all that has occurred in my love life, yet remembering that pain that I felt then, this pain is nothing, because that pain literally ran me out of town, that pain was constant and deep and when I got to Colorado, all that pain seems to have disappeared and all of a sudden I thought that I could love again and I did! and although that love did not last, it did teach me valuable lessons that I will hold dear until my last breath.  

Just now I read a post I wrote on Oct. of  2012 and reading it reminded me that I learned something valuable from that love as well, the inspiration that love gave me was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life before and as I read the post I cried with the deepest of hurt and it felt like I was back there in that moment and all that love that I felt for Benjamin was full in my heart all over again and then I wondered, will anyone ever again in this life time touch me in the way that he did, will I ever meet someone ever again in my life and feel the "magic" that I did the day I first laid eyes on him? will I ever again fall in love with someone without even sharing a kiss? The kiss that never came and probably never will.  

He is a married man now, has been married for some time and I only know this because of his Facebook.  I don't look at his FB anymore, I'm not even on FB, but a few months back I did and his wife actually commented on one of his posts and I felt nothing, well maybe I felt..... weird? I wonder if that woman knows that I existed, because really I was his little secret, or his greatest secret.  I have no desire to talk to him or see him or any of that, but what if one day we ran into each other on a NYC street the way we did that one time when we were both starting to attend the School of Practical Philosophy? that day that we knew we would see each other, but not in the way that it happened? 

I really liked that post from 2012, I want to write that way again, I want to feel inspired that way again.  In my last relationship I had no inspiration, no desire, it was as if this person that I was with had turned off the candle in my soul, sucked away who I was, I'm starting to be me again and it feels wonderful! I love to come to this my little piece of me and read those posts that remind me of who I really am.  It's funny how one human can inspire you like no other, and another can turn your inner light off.  And while I'm still hurting from this most recent break up, I'm slowly recovering and reminding myself that I am still me and that the light is within me and that I just need to light it back up! And so I shall journal! so I shall!

I leave you with the link to that post on Oct. 22, 2012 

https://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/10/his-response-to-my-email.html

 

Birthday Note

Dear Journal - 

Today is my exes birthday and it is the first one in 4 years that I wasn't part of.  Last year for his bday we had such a lovely time, it was pretty magical because I wanted to make up for the prior years bday because that one I was not a nice girlfriend.  

Journal, I wanted to reach out and wish him lots of wonderful things, but I did that for new year's and only got ignored, so I could not bare anymore not knowing the results of my good wishes.  I also just didn't think it was appropriate as I don't know what is going on in his life or if he has a significant other or where he is in his life, so I just decided that putting it on here would get it out of my system and out into the world wide web, the little piece that belongs to my life.  Today was a rough day journal, all these weird moments of telling myself that even if my heart still believes he's mine, he isn't and I have to be ok.

Happy Birthday my love! 

If it isn't love, why does it feel this way?

 Dear Journal -

I haven't written in a while because I just don't have much to say these days, I'm still hurting and it becomes so annoying to just write about my sorrows.  I don't want to write if it's going to be about my sorrows because what's the point of that? Life isn't just bad things after all and this journal seems like it's just about shitty stuff that has happened to me and life isn't all that bad to be honest.  

I have a beautiful apartment that I absolutely love! I have a great job that I am learning so much in, I have great friends that I can always talk to when I'm feeling down, but most of all, I have been getting to know my granddaughter who is a little spit fire and reminds me of my attitude sometimes ha! she's amazing and so damn smart that I can't get enough of her! It's been really good to get to know her, every time I get to see her I feel like we bond a little more, my precious little girl, she is so worth everything that I've been through, at least giving her my love is rewarding.  

I keep thinking that everything that has led me here has been for a reason, and that I can't fight life anymore I just have to keep asking and receiving because that's pretty much what has been happening all this time, I ask and receive.  I just have to constantly remind myself that I have to be careful what I ask for, because sometimes it come true in ways that I don't want.  But it's ok, life is good, life is fair and life is what we make it.  Sure I can still cry regularly for the things that have happened, or I can keep looking forward and find the things in life that make me happy and focus on those.

I do often wonder though, if it wasn't love that I felt for my ex, then why do I still feel this way after 4 months? some days are harder than others obviously.  I honestly didn't think I loved him as much as I do, this love consumed me and while I fought it and broke out of the relationship, that didn't mean that I broke out of the love.  I feel like I'm still tied to him even though we don't even talk, yet there is not one day that goes by that I don't miss him or think of him or hope that he is well.  I wish I would of known how to tell him how I was feeling all that time, while we were together, what I was needing, what I wanted.  I guess anytime I tried, my words fell on deaf ears, I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to overcome it, I just live everyday and hope that one day I will wake up and the memories will be gone and the pain along with them.

Maybe one day journal? maybe one day.............

Didn't we almost have it all?

 Dear Journal -

I've been doing so much reflecting lately and just thinking about stuff and trying to heal and move forward and I keep asking myself the same question and that question is WHY? I joined all these heartbroken pages on FB which are actually pretty cool, It's cool because it feel like a community of people that might be going through the same stuff you are and they can relate, I've had some good advice on their and probably given some good advice to people also, it's nice to feel like there are others you can talk to that don't really know your story but are able to have some sympathy for what you are feeling because they are feeling something similar.

The reason why I keep asking the question WHY? is because I don't understand us human beings sometimes, I keep thinking about that song from Whitney Houston called "didn't we almost have it all" and I keep thinking that my ex and I were so close to having it all and then we just threw it all away.  Like we worked so hard or let me rephrase that, I worked so hard for so long to keep moving forward to do things the right way to try and have a healthy relationship and somewhere somehow, my efforts were left unnoticed.  Like what else did I need to do to show this person that I loved him so much and wanted to do anything I could to make him happy? Yes I know that it's supposed to be a two way street, but there were some points in our relationship that he had tried also and he worked so hard on breaking down my walls that were so high, only to give up in the end.  I mean, life's experiences are what makes us grow and I guess he didn't know how to turn this story into a success story and I didn't know how to let this story go before it went to where it did.

My niece told me the other day that she was SO PROUD OF ME! she was like, do you not see how much you've grown from this relationship? you even considered getting married something you had said you would never do again, you cuddled again and most importantly you loved again! That really helped me.  Hearing that from someone that knows me better than most made me feel better and like it wasn't a total waste of my years.

I wanted to write this post mainly because I don't ever understand why people can't figure out a way to love and make things work.  Why don't people try harder especially when they are in love, or should you just give up the moment it gets hard? For me, I didn't want to give up, I wanted to keep trying, I wanted it to be forever, whatever forever may be.  I just felt like we almost had it all.

Whitney was pretty amazing! may she RIP.  

Lucky he

 I was thinking.... Lucky he who meet a girl born in Colombia raised in Brooklyn by all the Jamaican's playing their beautiful music in prospect park!

yup that's me! this girl right here! what you know about a diverse world? what you know about people? places? cultures? things? you don't know SHIT!

 

Shame on Jazzy........

 Shame on me for giving you all my love and so many kisses!

Shame on me for crying for you everyday

Shame on me for letting you control my emotions after all this time has passed

Shame on me for knowing that you are silent because you know it hurts me and it's as if you had put a knife through my heart and silence pushes the knife in deeper and deeper rupturing every part of it............

Shame on me for being unable to delete the pictures we took through out the years, portraying happy moments, our moments, moments that will never come back... 

Shame on me for keeping such photographs that torment my soul.........

Shame on Jazzy...........

Sunday sadday............

 Dear journal -

Today has been a really really rough emotional day for me.  For some reason, I woke up this morning and I couldn't stop crying, and I've pretty much cried all day long.  I am going to tell you why I cried, but first I want to say that I thought this was supposed to get easier, but today it seemed harder than ever!

Last night I posted a journal from 3  years ago and I called it repeated stories, but then I thought about all the times I wrote throughout the 4 years of my relationship and I know I've said this before, but I only wrote when things were bad.  I never once, wrote a story about any one specific good time that I had with my ex and today I cried and had a rough day because I missed him so desperately, because Sunday's were once upon a time "our day" and this morning as I laid in my bed alone, all of a sudden I was flooded with memories of my love and how many beautiful Sunday's we had shared.  I thought it was worth acknowledging on this my journal, that I wouldn't have given someone 4 years of my life if all I had endured was pain.  We had some beautiful special moments that I will always cherish and I don't think it's fair that I make someone out to be a monster, because Jazzy wouldn't be in love with a monster.

At the end of the day, I got a FB notification that one of the news stations I follow was live on the coast so I got onto the site and there it was, a beautiful amazing sunset over the ocean and my heart felt heavy and I felt so completely heartbroken, because I remembered how many times he and I watched a sunset together and had beautiful moments.  All I could think of was why? why couldn't we be happy? why couldn't we love each other forever like we had promised? why did it end this way?  I've cried so many tears on this journal, so I want to promise that one day if I'm lucky and I meet a wonderful man and by some reason I fall in love again (although I can't even imagine that happening) but if it ever does again, I want to make a point of writing good things, sharing happy moments and not only writing the hurt and pain that I endure, because I promise you journal I've had happy moments in the last 4 years, we just don't remember them when our heart has been broken.  

But today I allowed myself a moment to remember and I specifically remembered that last year, right before Christmas we were fighting and he told me that he was thinking of proposing to me on Christmas day, when he told me that I got really pissed off at him because I had once told him, if you ever want to ask me to marry you, it better not be on some cliché day like everyone else does.  Today as I thought of that, I can honestly say I don't know if he told me that to make me feel shitty and it was a lie, or if he did have intentions of proposing, because he told me so many lies I really don't know what was real and what wasn't, or at least that's how I feel, because again, you only remember the bad.  But all I know is that Christmas is his favorite time of year, but it really isn't mine and the whole time we were together, I would always bitch and moan about it.  

After our argument a few days later I asked him why did he want to propose to me on Christmas and I apologized for getting upset about something that should of made me so happy.  His response was, that he wanted to propose to me on Christmas because he wanted to change my view of Christmas so I could think of it as a very special day moving forward, in other words, he wanted to make Christmas special for me as much as it was for him.  I would of married him 100 times over and over again! I wanted to love him for the rest of my life, so the fact that I'm sitting here writing this post and crying because instead of loving him I have to forget him, is much to much for me to handle.  How will I ever move on journal? I can't take this pain........................

I'll leave you with......... Toni Braxton - Un-Break my heart

Crying heart - Poem

I wrote this poem on Oct 27, 2017 - after a break up.........

My heart is crying and every tear has your name on it, my sweet love where did we fail? 

How will this love ever change ever go away, when it’s been you in my mind everyday.  I hurt so bad for your love, I miss hearing those words  please don’t ever leave my side, please love me as your love is what keeps me alive! Please my love, don't go away...............

Repeated stories

Dear journal -

I said in a previous post that I was going to post old journals that I had written in the past but never posted.  Tonight I went through my iPhone's notepad where I had written them, and chose the journal below that I wrote on Oct. 17, 2017.

What I noticed from reading these posts was that my relationship had the same theme, by that I mean that I complained about the same things for 3 years.  I don't know why I kept trying to fight a loosing battle.  I guess love is such a strong thing that you do so much even when you know deep down in your heart you will ultimately fail, or maybe I didn't have enough faith or I didn't turn the negatives into positives? Regardless, it doesn't matter anymore, I'm posting all of this because I am 100 percent sure that this relationship is over for good.  

I can slowly breath again and be me again, while it still feels sad everyday, there have been a few days where I'm not thinking about it non-stop and that to me is a HUGE deal, because it means I'm slowly moving on.  It does really help that my ex doesn't speak to me anymore, apparently I was the bad one and that works, as long as he leaves me alone I'm good, so this is probably the best thing that can be happening to me right now, and while it's hurtful, it's not! does that even make sense?  

I feel good enough to stay home and chill and not feel any type of way, I'm feeling like myself again, like I'm coming up from under a deep grave that I had buried myself under.  It's so weird and I want to journal this because I want to come back and read these things and feel the way I do when I read stuff about Benjamin Nunez, the one who inspired me to start this journal, the one who also hurt me but in a very different way.  Below is the journal entry I want to share.......

Written on October 17, 2017.........

I don't know what to do or think anymore, I'm scared that he might leave after all, and if he does, what will happen to me? I don't know me without him anymore, it's so scary to think of him not being in my life. However, I'm scared with him in my life also, because of everything that has happened.

I don't know how to act or be, because I don't want to mess anything up; I feel as if I have to act like I'm totally fine when I'm not, I'm scared. I guess the only thing I can do is stick to my word, I told him I support whatever he decides and the truth is that I do. 

When you truly love someone you want them to be happy, that is the definition of true love, loving someone selflessly. This is my test, and I hope that no matter what, I pass it with flying colors. 

Last night he mentioned California again, it's still part of his plan, so as part of mine I need to start letting go, to start enjoying life without him there, because that's what I did once upon a time, I enjoyed life without him in it. Who was I back then? A year and 3 months ago today I was someone that he was impressed by, but now I'm Someone who has all sorts of faults, he no longer sees me in the long run in the future and yet one day he couldn't imagine the future without me. 

I'm so scared, but whatever the universe decides for me, I'm sure there is something greater out there that's coming, and this is only a preparation for that, so I have to let life be! I have to love me before I can truly love you.

Love Letter of Great Men!

 Dear journal -

As you know from my recent posts, I'm going through something very difficult in my life right now.  The other day I watched sex and the city the movie.  I love this movie! mainly because I used to watch the series and I absolutely love those NYC ladies! I would always tell my friends in NYC that I wish I could write an underground version of sex and the city and by this I mean the story of friends in NYC who don't have money or live on the upper east or west side.  A story about four friends from the hood and how different their life is! 

I saw them filming this movie or at least a scene from the movie.  I used to work on 42nd street Grand Central literally right across the street from the station, that is only a few blocks away from the main library on 5th avenue where they filmed a scene where Carrie (the main character) gets out of a limousine and starts beating Big (the male main character) up with her flowers! in this scene she's in her wedding dress and he had just left her in the "alter." It was so cool watching them film that scene and I got to watch it by accident because I happen to be on my lunch break and walking in that direction and I got lucky and got to see them filming that scene! it was cool seeing them filming it and then seeing it on the big screen! I miss NYC! I got to see so many famous people and see so many films being made etc. I miss home all the time!

So I was watching the movie and there is another scene where Carrie is talking to Big about a book that she is reading called Love Letters of Great Men.  I decided to go get the book and found out that the book was actually made after they showed that scene in the movie because people wanted the book but the book actually didn't exist yet, at least not the version she was referring to in the movie.  However,  because so many people wanted the book they actually created the book that was referenced in the movie.

The book is a compilation of love letters written by famous men throughout history.  I think that is so cool! Below is my favorite letter, I'm literally typing what is in the book.  I should also note that I cried so much when I read this letter.  Not only is it so touching but it was written by Beethoven! that's so damn cool!

Letter from Ludwig Van Beethoven - He was never married so there is no proof of who this letter was written to, it was found in his belongings when he passed - (1770-1827) it is believed that it might have been for Antonie Brentano (1780-1869)

Good morning on 7 July

Even in my bed my ideas yearn towards you, my Immortal Beloved, here and there joyfully, then again sadly, awaiting from Fate, whether it will listen to us.  I can only live, either altogether with you or not at all.  Yes, I have determined to wander about for so long far away, until I can fly into your arms and call myself quite at home with you, can send my soul enveloped by yours into the realm of spirits - yes, I regret, it must be.  You will get over it all the more as you know my faithfulness to you; never another one can own my heart, never - never! O God, why must one go away a miserable life.  Your love made me the happiest and unhappiest at the same time.  At my actual age I should need some continuity, sameness of life - can that exist under our circumstances? Angel, I just hear that the post goes out every day - and must close therefore, so that you get the L. at once.  Be calm - love me - to-day - Yesterday. What longing in tears for you - You - my Life - my All - farewell.  Oh go on loving me - never doubt the faith-fullest heart Of your beloved L

Ever thine.

Ever mine.

Ever ours.

Now I know why he made such beautiful symphonies! My favorite is Moonlight Sonata