The TRUTH ABOUT SEX

Dear Journal:

I woke up this morning feeling so damn crappy! my chest hurts from coughing and my ears are so clogged I can barely hear, old age perhaps? regardless of my olditis, other than my what appears to be a cold, I am feeling quite good lately.  Honestly, somedays I feel so good in fact, that I have to admit that it has to be due to the fact that I have completely changed my diet.  The last time I ate a piece of steak was on December 19, 2012, since then, I have not eaten any chicken or meat or eggs and I basically just have fish maybe once or twice a week.  My goal is to become completely vegan at some point, but I can't do it cold turkey until I understand how I can get all the nutrients my body needs and until I can make sure that I know how to make delicious foods that will satisfy my cravings for goodness and by goodness I mean sweets!  

I don't really miss chicken as I was never really a chicken lover, but occasionally I do miss eggs, however, I understand that as a 41 year old woman, I need to start taking care of myself because although I am very aware that one day I will die, I don't want to suffer on a death bed due to not taking proper care of myself.  I also don't want to have to take pills for this and pills for that just because I don't have the discipline and self love, to take proper care of my body.  I don't deprive myself though, I must admit that the other day I went to McDonald's and devoured a big mac, so technically I did eat some meat, but that was the only time other than the day I stopped by my friends house and I was starving and he gave me this frozen dinner telling me it was potatoes and when I bit into it, it was lamb or something, so ok, since December I ate meat twice, so that isn't that bad! I was a meat lover all of my life, so this is a huge change, but a change that I have wanted for many many years.

In other Jazzy news, I just registered for my summer courses.  I am SO SCARED! I will be taking a class called behavioral neurobiology and drugs and behavior! THAT NAME FREAKS ME OUT!!! but I know I CAN! I have to do well so that I can keep my grades up, this shit (school) it is SO HARD! (insert sad smiley icon here) but I am happy all in all with the choice I made to go back and pursue my dream, because my dream is becoming a reality and I feel like I am a totally different person, it's so weird, but I really did change in many ways.  I mean fundamentally, I am still the same person, but there are things about me I have changed and I am happy about some of the things that have changed in my life. 

This weekend, I went out with some friends to a bar and at 2am everyone wanted to go home, since I never go out much, I told my friend to drop me off at the bar down the block from my apartment, so he drops me off and I sit at the bar alone to have a beer and these two guys are standing next to me talking to each other, at first I thought they might be a couple, but later on they began talking to me and one of them who was kind of cute and I, got engrossed in this awesome conversation about sex and society and about music and sex and about how sex is just IN OUR FACES at all times.  

He told me he got his BA in Psychology also and the next thing I knew, he was being my therapist! IT WAS AWESOME! we then exchanged numbers and after he left he sent me a text telling me that he really liked my t-shirt, I was wearing my green lantern tee because I LOVE SUPER HEROES! and I have a bunch of different super hero tees, I told him I thought he was really handsome and then he said so was I, I guess pretty not handsome, and that was the end of our texting.  I kind of want to message him, but at the same time I keep thinking that getting involved romantically right now with someone would probably not be a good idea, I mean I have so much on my plate, so I think I will wait and see if he messages me and if he does, I'll go along with whatever, but I am telling you right now journal, if he even as much as once starts to distract me from my studies, that will be the end of the story! I have come to far to allow anything or anyone to distract me from my goal, and I can almost taste my degree, it will probably taste like beef!

So the other day I get home and my son comes up to me and says, oh my god mom! I saw this video on Facebook about this little girl getting raped by this man! and he seemed really really upset about the video.  At first, my oldest son yelled at him because he was coming to me to tell me this, but I was really happy that my 13 year old is open enough about sex with me, that he and I can have a conversation about it in a very normal way.  It is SO VITAL! to be opened and honest about sex with our children, it is EXTREMELY important that we help them understand what sex is, and the pro's and con's of it. Yes, there are no CONS I guess once your a consenting adult who well, likes to have sex like a normal human being, but as a child and as a teen, sex is something that is very confusing and the fact that the media is constantly shoving sex down our throats, truly makes me sad, because these are the images our children are always left with and this is what they think sex is and should be like, but sex could be nothing or sex can be everything.  So, after I saw that my kid was going through an emotional distress after seeing these horrific images in non other than Facebook, which I honestly don't know in what moment, Facebook began to allow all these sexual things on their site.  I told my son to come to my bed and lay down with me, and for us to have a conversation.

My son came to me and I let him put his head on my arm and I made him get into a comfortable position me sheltering him and rubbing his long hair as he is letting his hair grow so that he can cut it and donate it to cancer patients.  And then I started to talk to my baby of THE TRUTH ABOUT SEX! I told him that there were very very sick people in this world, I told him that clearly what that man was doing to that little girl was a horrible horrible criminal thing and that hopefully whomever put this video up would get caught by the cops and pay for his vicious crime.  I told him that sex was a beautiful thing we do when two people love one another, but I told him that it could be something that we do because we have sexual desires and sometimes once we get older and understand it, we could do as consenting adults because we have these desires that most times we can't control, but if we really want to, we can.  I told him that I know that he must watch porn behind my back and that if he does, he needs to understand that women in these videos work at this, that is their job, their job is to allow men to sexually do to them whatever these men want, and that they may or may not like it, but in the video they have to act like it is the best thing in the world.  I told him that most women in the real world, are not ok with half of the things he watches the women on the videos do, but that there are some that are ok with it and that is a personal preference.  I told him that if at one point in his life he has a girlfriend whom he loves and trusts and they decide to do things they see on a porno and she is ok with it, then they can experiment together as two consenting adults and that at that point it is ok to do it because she is ok with it.  I told him that it is important that he respects his body and the body of the person who he is having sexual intercourse with, because at no given time in life does anyone ever belong to you.  I told him that he must ALWAYS use protection once he starts having sex.  I ended with, you can always talk to me baby if you need to, because I understand that there are certain things that are very embarrassing but that he never needs to feel embarrassed talking to me because I understand him and I love him and trust that he will always make the right choices.  After our little talk I kissed him on the forehead and he said.... THANKS MOM! I LOVE THAT I HAVE THIS WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYS! I encourage people all the time to talk to their kids about sex, because this is a vicious world that we should not shelter our kids from, but rather we should prepare them for it, how to face it.  There are also really really good people in this world, I know a bunch, so it isn't just bad, it's also good!

My 5 year old daughter is constantly using the word sex, so the other day I had to sit her down and look up a youtube video on child birth and child bearing, I watched it with her and told her that mommy and daddy had sex when they were married because they loved each other and then she came. What I am trying to say is that we have to talk to our children about sex from the moment they start to ask questions, when they are really young, you get all technical about it, as they get older, you start to tell them, THE TRUTH ABOUT SEX.  Oh journal! my work is never done! i'm exhausted!

I will leave you today with a song that I can't stop listening to, it makes me think of someone and I told him it did.  But, it doesn't make me think of him because I'm in love with him, I am not, and I don't have a (love of my life) sometimes I think and the therapist I had before agreed that (I have not experience true love) or a true rewarding relationship with anyone.  But, this song makes me think of him because in the longest time I had not met someone I was so much like in so many different ways, it was weird.  He and I were friends, but we don't have that kind of relationship anymore. He did something to me that really hurt me.  In learning how to love myself, I am also learning that no matter how great someone is, sometimes they are just not someone you should have in your life, especially if they treated you less than kind.  Still, as a person I will always love him and if he talks to me I will always respond, and vice versa.  I don't hold grudges they are bad for our soul and I don't believe in "getting someone back for hurting me" as I am not a vengeful person.   I try to forgive without hostility, I try to love all people regardless of what I felt they did to me that was wrong.  I PRACTICE LOVE.

Mirror - Justin Timberlake  ----- LOVE MY JT!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuZE_IRwLNI

Dear Journal - 4-22-13

At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet ~ Plato

Dear Journal:

You must think that I have forgotten you! but fear not my true love, for you are always present in my thoughts, what will I write next to you I often think.  I’ve been feeling so inspired lately, it’s the Spring that brings this deep joy to my heart and when I feel this way, my mind is going in all kinds of directions and I try to find a place where I can sit still for a moment and remember and cherish and savor a moment a moment in time a moment that is just for me and my thoughts and him, him…… His name? Benjamin Nunez!

Oh YES! How can you think I would never write about him again? For he has been the main character of my novel for nearly six years now.  Yes, this novel, the one I call my life.  I have to write my novel, because if I don't, than how can it ever be real? I have to write my novel on these pages I call my journal, the one that knows all and nothing, so many things I can not share, so many secrets I have to keep from you sometimes, when? when will I be able to tell you all? all the secrets that only I know! but I do think of you each and every day and I wonder where I will take you, I wonder where we will go together in my life and I think of stories I don’t have time to write.  And the moments past and life happens and the words just stay inside, words that need to come out and on to this page.   

Yes of course I still think of him almost daily, for so long he was all the love that I knew, and all the love that I wanted and all the love that I could give.  But I have moved on I think sort of, and there are days that I forget he lives but then there are moments when I remember and in those moments I don’t feel bad about it, but instead I embrace them, I feel them and I let them go.  In this moment, I am writing to you to tell you the following….

The other morning I was on the train.  It was a beautiful beautiful Spring morning and I was wearing a new outfit I bought.  Pink skirt, white tank and a pink cardigan, me Jazzy wearing all that pink, I used to hate pink.  I sat on the train and all of a sudden I looked at my skirt and thought, oh wow! Spring! I sure do love thee! And then the thought of him took control of me, so many mornings had passed that I did not do that, you know, wake up thinking of him and for so long that is all I ever did, so many mornings I woke up thinking of him…I would say that maybe about 1,460 mornings if not more.  WOW! 1,460 mornings, that’s a whole lot of mornings.  Anyway, in that moment when I thought of him, I pulled out my iPhone and I wrote a poem, a poem for him.  I was going to put it on here sooner, but then when I went back to retrieve it, it was gone, I nearly cried because I was so upset that my poem had disappeared and I didn’t remember it all, but I did remember some parts, but it’s never the same, it’s not the same when it just flows through me like magic words, but I wanted to remember that morning, maybe it was last week, so I re-wrote the poem this morning or whatever I remembered of it and I tweaked it and cried a few times while writing it.  So many mornings, about 1,460 of them, that was a whole lot of mornings…. Him…. Benjamin Nunez! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html

I hope you will like my poem journal.

Spring

Maybe in the Spring she said, said she maybe in the Spring.  And Spring sprung and Springs came and Springs gone and his face she never saw, but the memory of it stayed like the lyrics of a song

And one Spring morning as she thought of him, with her eyes closed she saw him there, for his face forever emblazoned in her mind.  His lips the color of Spring cherry blossom flowers.  Those eyes, OH! those eyes, so dark and deep and crisp like a Spring evening, and the time in the Spring when she looked in them, a shimmer of crystal, the sparkle of a galaxy of stars, the eyes that told her nothing, the eyes of a secret on Spring night.

Springs came and Springs left and his cherry blossom lips she never kissed, but in her memory still his face and in her heart still a trace, for he had her for so long or maybe still, for he had not gone, and the Spring would not reveal that it wasn't just in her mind it had all been so real.

And Spring she said, and Springs came and Springs sprung and Springs left and Springs gone.  And a boom of Spring flowers and a tiny bud of her love.  The love she once knew, a love so true, it was magic what they shared and no one would ever care, for only Spring could reveal, that their love had been so real.  

Dear Journal: THANK YOU.....

Dear Journal:

Today was a bad day, or should I say, yesterday was a bad day, it was a really really sad day! 10 years ago yesterday, the one man that I truly loved with every bit of my very being past away.  Ten years, that I do not see his smile, hear his voice, touch his skin, kiss his forehead, tell him my deepest scariest feelings, oh my grand daddy, how much I miss you! My body aches with hurt and I feel like I am living that moment again, when I last saw him there on that bed and then life became surreal and nothing mattered, because my grand daddy was gone.  WHERE ARE YOU NOW? I remember that for days after that, I was in some sort of weird space, the world around me felt so strange and nothing mattered, the pain was so overwhelming that I kept asking if it was true.  I still have the pajama pants he was wearing the day that he died and I can't wear them or do anything with them, just keep them somewhere, somewhere where I know they are.  Ten years, how did they go so fast? where did they go? who am I now?

This morning I went for a run and as I was running I broke down crying, I felt so overwhelmed and emotionally imbalanced, I felt free for the first time in so long, free truly free as if I had been let out of a box and into this world, cruel, scary world and all of a sudden it dawned on me, my fear of commitment and love, where it came from.  While I was married I felt trapped, I felt as if I was in a box as if I had stopped being me, just so I could be the person that my husband wanted me to be, but not because he asked me too, but because I made myself that person just for him, I changed just to be someone I wasn't and then I was trapped in this fake world that I did not know, because I had created that world just for him, to have him and when I started to be me, he did not like me, because I wasn't what he wanted.  I felt horrible that I lied to him and myself all those years for my own selfish reasons and as I ran and cried, I asked God to please forgive me, to please forgive me for what I had done, because I was wrong, yet I had to do what I did so that he could have the life he now has, it was written somewhere else, it was someone else's rule, but who's?

I know that I don't make any sense at this moment, maybe because it is way past midnight, but I have written some magical things, I have been writing journals since I was a teenager and once upon a time, my boyfriend when I was 16 took the journals I had up until that point and threw them down the incinerator of his building, but this is my gift, this is what I have and I don't care if it ever goes anywhere, I don't care if anyone ever reads it, I don't care if it is good or not.  This is my journal and no one will ever again take it away from me, I will not let them.  My journals that I wrote went down a whole full of garbage, I allowed a man to take what I had written and throw it away as if it was trash, it wasn't trash, it was my life in words.  This you my journal, you are my life in words.

Today was a hard day, or should I say yesterday, for today is a new day and it will be better....

THANK YOU GOD, thank you UNIVERSE, thank you ANGELS.....

Dear Journal: April 13, 2013 Proud much?

"You practice gymnastics, I practice everything" ~ Socrates ~ Way of the peaceful warrior

Dear Journal:

I feel like I am on this journey of self discovery and no matter how hard I try, I am not trying hard enough! sometimes it is seriously difficult being me! There are days that I just want to un log (made up word) un log myself from the world wide web, delete my journal, my pages and throw away my lap top, but then I realize that no matter what I do, no matter what I try, I will still have my brain, and it will still be actively working, actively thinking and actively taking me to the past and future all the while my body being here in the NOW.  And if every now and then I catch up with my mind, meaning that if every now and then I am actually in the PRESENT MOMENT, I realize that it is only in those moments that I truly feel complete, complete happiness, so, why is it so hard for me to stay where happiness is complete? why is it so hard to stay with my body in this moment instead of allowing my mind to control every single thing? well, if you are waiting for me to answer that question, the answer is....... I HAVE NO IDEA!

Last night I got an email from this guy on plenty of fish, asking me how things were going for me on skout, I look at the picture, and the person sending me the message is someone who over a month ago, told me off for me asking for his respect, then after that initial incident, he sent me another message a few weeks later trying to get to know me, I guess thinking that I had forgotten who he was and when I told him off again (I didn't literally tell him off) but when I told him I remembered who he was, he acted as if I was crazy and confusing him for someone else.  Last night when he sent me the message, I looked at it and I could not believe this guys nerve, does he really think I am stupid? or is it that he is stupid? I'm really confused! this time, I decided that I want to give him a chance, like this is the third time he is trying to talk to me and therefore I am intrigued by him.  What is it about me that makes him want to know me so bad? why is it that he won't give up? so, this time I sent him an email and I told him that A. he either stops contacting me or B. he admits to me that he was wrong that first time and apologizes to me.  Well, after that message I never heard back from him.

Why is it so hard for people to say I AM SORRY?  I can't deal with the fact that some people are SO PROUD, that they loose out on amazing things in life! I am not even talking about him anymore, I am now moving to a whole different topic.  Yesterday, I sent a message to my ex husband asking him to please send me a copy of our divorce, I was really nice to him and asked him nicely if he could send me a copy because I needed it and it's mine.  Well, a few minutes later I get an email getting told off, and him telling me that he feels sorry for the next person I marry and he goes on and on on how I am such a bitch! BITTER MUCH? I cannot believe! that people refuse to accept that it take two to tango, that I did not destroy my marriage alone, that sometimes you have to say your sorry, say let's try, say something to try to make something work, because your pride is but an impediment to your happiness, what did my ex husband get out of being proud, when I can still see right through him and his pain?  If he didn't feel any way about me, he would not get upset for me asking him for something that belongs to me, for something so simple that I really do need to have so that I can take him out of my insurance policy, something that isn't a crazy request.  I feel like no matter what I do, when it comes to him, I am ALWAYS the bad one and I am honestly sick and tired of his behavior toward me sometimes, he thinks that he can still talk to me however he wants, but the problem is that I am not that same woman he was married to nearly six years ago, GOODNESS!!!!! I try so very hard to stay calm, to not get upset with the things he tells me, to control my anger and when he says things that are completely inappropriate, but sometimes it is just so difficult, sometimes I just wish he would never talk to me again, I wish I had a middle person that could talk to him for me because although sometimes I feel like we are finally in a good place, finally cool friends that can just be chill with one another, the next thing I know, he is flipping out on me about something ridiculous.  

So, what should I do? how do I get rid of this problem? do I just stop talking to him all together? I mean while we were married trying to talk to him was impossible, so why start trying now, now that I no longer love him, now that I really don't care if I talk to him or not, now that I am FINALLY divorced.  I don't know why I am writing all of this on here this morning, I guess I just need to vent because I am sick and tired of having to deal with someone I don't ever even think about anymore, I just wish he would leave me ALONE already, I wish he would stop thinking that he knows me, he DOES NOT KNOW ME! he never did! he doesn't know anything about me, so please please please leave me alone!!!! WE ARE DIVORCED NOW!!!!!

Journal, things are good lately besides this little rant that I just went on.  I feel happy and content, I miss sex though, I have been practicing celibacy now for a few months and I am really feeling like I am about to give in, give in to my human desires, but I won't! discipline is a beautiful thing! I CAN DO THIS!

Blame it on the..... Aaaalcohol....

"A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same" ~ Elbert Hubbard

Dear Journal:

For someone who has no social life, I sure do end up in all sorts of trouble! additionally, I always end up doing things that I later feel like I did not act well, like I made the wrong decision, like I maybe misled someone and then I feel crappy about it, except I shouldn't feel bad because well, I didn't REALLY do anything wrong after all, we are two consenting adults and I didn't really do anything bad or anything but still, I know he knew that by taking me out, there would be that possibility, that there might be a chance and me saying yes to going out, sort of said that I was consenting.  

Let me briefly tell you what I'm rambling about.  There is a man, he is my friend for almost three years, I love him TO DEATH! and although I think he is really handsome, he isn't someone that I ever think of in a romantic way, yet I think he is so awesome and wish so bad that the stupid women that cross his path, could see what I see, could see how lucky they are that he is interested in them.  He is a true catch! I have some really amazing male friends! Anyway, I went out and drank way to much and next thing I knew, my tongue was down his throat and I was all over him like a desperate woman in need for love! what the hell is wrong with me journal? The thing is he and I have had this conversation before, we both know how we each care about each other, we both don't want anything other than friendship with each other.  However, I feel like deep down we are both curious, it is really weird.

Anyway, after my stupid behavior, which I have no choice other than to blame it on the alcohol (no I did not have sex with him! my friend has respect for me!) I get home and let poor AJ have it, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html I called him and told him off, because I love him and he always manages to piss me off, except that on that particular night, he didn't even do anything! but when I told him I had been drinking, since he knows me so well, he always knows what to say to make me happy.  OH! and let's not forget the fact that I rang the wrong bell by accident on purpose because I just felt like it, because he, the person who's bell I rang, was nothing but a lying asshole, who deserved to get smacked right across his face for being so fucking fake!!!

So yes, I don't have much of a social life, except even when I'm trying to just chill and be good and just stay away from everything and everyone, shit always happens and all this just because I want to be social and go out every now and then and hang out.  I am really really looking forward to my vacation! I can't wait to go fishing and hang out with my new friends, I am so excited to just get away from this stupid city that gets on my nerves that one day I will probably miss, I feel so sick and tired of school, I'm so exhausted all the time of thinking about it and the fact that I have to get good grades.  Speaking of which, I am really happy because I did pretty decent in my statistics midterm, thanks to my awesome friends who studied with me.

Lastly, on April fools day I told a bunch of my friends I was with child, the responses I got were sort of like..... (first friend) WHAT!!! OH MY GOD! what are you going to do??? .......(second friend) What the fuck??? who's the father? you better not say it's that asshole that lied to you and played mad games with you! (third friend) JAZZY WHAT THE FUCK!!!! why aren't you using condoms??? (fourth friend) JAZZY! I thought you said you were staying away from men?? (fifth friend) OH BOY! I'm going to be an uncle! (sixth friend) Jazzy, HOLY SHIT! why doesn't this surprise me! you would be pregnant and not be all upset about it! lol..so what are you going to do???

But after all the initial crazy responses, they all said things like, JAZZ, NO MATTER WHAT I SUPPORT YOU! then I told them all they were suckers and they were like.... I seriously believed you because that's just how crazy you are! and then proceeded to laugh! I learned one very important thing on that day, one, all of my friends think I am crazy and two my friends are AWESOME! because they were all letting me know that they supported me no matter what I decided to do! THAT IS SO FUCKING AWESOME!!! I LOVE MY FRIENDS!

So this person who I went and kissed like a desperate crazy woman in need of love, he sends me a message to check up on me and I apologize for the way I acted and then he never gets back to me! I am SO glad, he handled that well!!! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I DIDN'T WANT TO HAPPEN! I never kiss my friends I SWEAR! I mean I have had guys that started out romantic and end up my friends and obviously I kissed them, but I have never had a good friend for years who I end up kissing. UGH! this is so annoying and uncomfortable, I feel really bad! I FUCKED UP journal!!! why can't life be easy dammit!

I'll just blame all of this on the alcohol!

Jamie Foxx - Blame it on (the Aaaalcohol)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Jw24LbeV-w

THE HARLEM SHAKE YO! :-)

Dear Journal:

This weekend was a lot of fun, yesterday evening, I was with my family celebrating my daughters birthday and we decided to do the harlem shake! as everyone knows, whenever you try to do something with family, it's never easy, so, we had to work on it for like an hour just to get it right... check out the blooper video.  

After what seemed like hours, a lot of arguing and lots of laughing! we finally GOT IT!!! I was the one filming, so much fun! you know what they say, a family that acts crazy together, stays together! and yes! my mom and dad and step mom and my and my sisters ex's where all there shaking it together! we are TRULY! a modern family! lots and lots of love, lots and lots of laughs!

Oh yeah, almost forgot, I went to hang out with some friends today and we decided to well, do the harlem shake! this time, it was filmed on the first try and I joined in the fun! lots of fun this weekend! Good times!

Duele El Amor - Good Bye Ex Husband

Dear Journal:

The other day my ex husband told me that our divorced had been finalized, I felt soooooo very happy! I'm happy because if I feel like eloping in Vegas, I can! HOW FREAKING AWESOME IS THAT!!! it feels good that after 5 years I am really really for real single, single to the point that I can do something really crazy like having a romantic love affair, the type that is crazy and fast and not lasting, the whirlwind type that you both think your madly in love because the sex is so amazing and you really believe you will be that way for ever! and you tell the whole world that "this one is different" but ultimately in ends because you find out that you don't like the same.....I don't know, type of dog? THAT IS WHAT I CALL AN ADVENTURE! now there is something I have never done! Marriage in Vegas anyone???

All jokes aside, I really do feel good about finally owning the title single, because for a really really long time, while in my marriage, I was really really really miserable.  The other night, my ex husband was over my apartment, and we were talking (we are good friends now) and I told him that I have gone through a bunch of little heart aches since he and I broke up, mini heartbreaks with people I have had short romantic somethings with, but that if I had to do it all over again, I would much rather go through 100 mini ones and not the misery that I felt in my marriage to him.  

I know that saying that sounds really horrible, but it is the honest truth, I really didn't even know how miserable I truly was until I was out of the marriage, until I began to find myself again and realize that alone for me, was way better than in the company of someone that I wasn't compatible with.  When I told him that, his response was that I was fucked up, but then I told him, that it wasn't that he was a bad person, actually, I think he is an amazing person, however, he and I see the world very differently.  I am not going to go into details of what my marriage was like, as I want to save that for the day when I write my book.  But, I will say that there were many nights when I cried myself to sleep, while laying next to the man I was married too.  It was the most horrible feeling in the world, going to bed at night and feeling like I was sleeping with a stranger.  I know now that my marriage failed because he and I did not communicate well, we had not been friends before being lovers and that was all my fault, I saw him, I wanted him, I got him, that was the end of that.  I learned such a valuable lesson with that experience, yet I am also grateful that I lived it, because it helped me grow as a woman and a person and it also gave me two amazing kids so it was all worth it!

Although my ex and I are good friends now, I realize even more how he and I are so different, how he and I are so much better as friends.  I always give him advice because I truly love him as a human being and person and I want nothing but the best for the father of my children.  I also feel that us having a good respectful friendship is important for my children, because they have two great parents that work well together as two people apart, instead of being two people miserable together staying together for "the children" when in reality in my opinion that is probably the worst thing you can do to your children.  My advice to anyone coming across this post that is staying with someone for "their kids" is to get some balls and get out of an unhappy marriage, because your kids will benefit from two adults that can get along separately, instead of two adults that sometimes practically hate one another.  Kids feel all that bad energy in the home, don't for once ever fool yourself that they don't!

Anyway, I just came back from my run and was listening to some music on pandora and this song came on that I used to listen to and cry with while I was still living with my husband, listening to it now, made me realize that the reason why I listened to it and cried, was because the song says, "duele el amor sin ti" which means, love hurst without you, it did, it hurt to be next to him and not have his love at least I didn't think I had it, what a lousy feeling, I do not wish that upon anyone.

Today, I am feeling great! I ran, and now I am going to get ready to go buy some ingredients for the baked ziti I am going to make for my daughters bday party tonight.  Today, is a good day! I bet you didn't know I could cook huh journal???? well.... DON'T SLEEP ON JAZZY!

I leave you with.....

Duele el Amor - Alek Zyntek ft. Ana Torroja... 

WHAT IS A POEM? Thanks to all who gave me ideas!

Dear Journal:

The other night, he sang to me again, this time, he sang two beautiful songs that he wrote himself and he sounded so amazing! when I told him that he sounded amazing, he told me that he sang to my from his heart and soul! when he said that, he filled my heart with complete joy.  Imagine, someone having that affect on you, that feeling of complete, that feeling I feel when we talk, 2 full hours talking on the phone, with the one who sings to me! I love to hear him sing, it was awesome!

I don't have much more to write, because life has been quiet and simple, I like quiet and simple.  I am really looking forward to my trip in May, but I don't want to rush through time, I want to enjoy every moment, because when I do that, I experience life in a truly different way.  For instance, as I am writing this there is a complete full moon outside of my window, the moon is so bright it lights up my room, I love you moon!

Well, since I don't have anything to really report, I am going to share with you my dear journal, one of the poems I wrote for my creative writing class, the feedback my professor gave me about this particular poem was that maybe I should take out the question, meaning, that every line of the poem started with..... What is a poem to you? I composed this particular poem, with an idea that I had, which was to ask different people on a few websites, what a poem meant to them, so, I compiled all the answers and added a few lines myself.  I hope you will enjoy it, I called it..............

A POEM

BY: JAZZY

WHAT IS A POEM TO YOU.  A POEM IS A SYSTEM OF WORDS IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, OTHER THAN THAT OF WHAT YOU FEEL

A POEM EXPRESSES THE TRUE NATURE OF AN IDEA YOU WISH TO SHARE

A POEM IS A PERSON WHO IS TEARING THEIR SOUL INSIDE AND OUT AND ALLOWING US TO SEE WHAT'S INSIDE, SOMETIMES IT CAN BE SCARY, BUT EVEN THEN THERE IS BEAUTY TO IT, BECAUSE THE WRITER IS ALLOWING ME INSIDE

A POEM IS A WAY TO DESCRIBE WITH WORDS THAT RHYME, A PERSON, OBJECT OR FEELING

A POEM IS AN AUTHORS INSIGHT, IT'S THEIR EXPERIENCE, THEIR PAIN OR THEIR FANTASY A PIECE OF SOMEONE'S SPIRIT, AN EXPRESSION OF HAPPINESS OR SADNESS, IT'S A RANT OR A BLAST A TYPOGRAPHICAL PICTURE OF WHAT LIES IN SOMEONE'S MIND AND HEART.

WORDS THAT CAN BE SPOKEN IN RYTHM

IT'S MAKING ART WITH WORDS

FEELINGS, EMOTION, DREAMS, WORDS, PROVOCATIVE ENTERTAINMENT, ENLIGHTENMENT, BULLSHIT, COMEDY, EXERCISE IN FUTILITY

A POEM IS EXPERIENCES WRITTEN IN SECRET CODES

A POEM BEGINS AS A LUMP IN THE THROAT,  A SENSE OF WRONG, A HOMESICKNESS A LOVESICKNESS

A POEM IS WHEN AN EMOTION HAS FOUND IT'S THOUGHT AND THE THOUGHT HAS FOUND WORDS

WORDS THAT CAN BE SPOKEN IN RYTHM

WHEN YOU ARE IN LOVE, EVERYONE IS A POET

A BAD POETRY, SRPING FROM GENUINE FEELING

WHAT IS A POEM TO YOU.  A POEM IS A DICTIONARY ABOUT EVERYTHING

A POEM IS A DEAL OF JOY AND PAIN AND WONDER, WITH A DASH OF THE DICTIONARY

A POEM IS AN ECHO, ASKING A SHADOW TO DANCE

A POEM IS A WAY TO REMEMBER A STORY

WORDS THAT CAN BE SPOKEN IN RYTHM

A POEM IS THE FIRST STORY IN GREEK HISTORY, WHEN THERE WERE NO LETTERS, NO ALPHABET, AN THE ONLY WAY TO TELL A STORY WAS WITH ORAL TRADITION, WITH POEMS

A POEM IS A GREEK WORD THAT IS USED TO DESCRIBE TO MAKE TO DO SOMETHING

A POEM IS WORDS, WORDS, WORDS!

IT IS THE OPENING AND CLOSING OF A DOOR, LEAVING THOSE WHO LOOK THROUGH TO GUESS ABOUT WHAT IS SEEN DURING THE MOMENT

A POEM IS ENDLESS BEAUTY

A POEM IS WORDS THAT ARE OFTEN THOUGHT OF, BUT NEVER REALLY EXPRESSED

WORDS THAT CAN BE SPOKEN IN RYTHM

A POME IS WRITING WORDS ON A PIECE OF PAPER, WRITTEN ON THE MIDDLE OF THE PAGE, IN ORDER, THREE FOUR LINES AT A TIME, WITH LINE BREAKS

A POEM IS TELLING YOUR DEEPEST DESIRES IN METAPHORS SO NO ONE WILL REALLY KNOW WHAT YOUR DEEPEST DESIRES ARE

A POEM IS A SECRET TOLD WITH TRICK WORDS

WHAT IS A POEM TO ME?

A POEM IS WORDS THROWN TOGETHER THAT MAKE NO SENSE, IT'S SOMEONE JUST WRITING JUST CAUSE, BUT SUDDENLY ENLIGHTENED WITH POWER AND WISDOM AND A FEELING OF COMPLETE ECSTASY THAT ALLOWS THE WORDS TO FLOW, THEY SOUND AS IF GLUED TOGETHER BY A MAGIC POWDER

WHAT IS A POEM TO ME?

A FEELING FROM THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL, THE COLOR BLUE, WORDS THAT COME FROM MY HEART THROUGH MY THOUGHTS DOWN ON A PAPER, THE WAY I EXPRESS SORROW, HAPPINESS, LOVE, ANGER, FEAR!  THE WAY I RELEASE ENERGY AND THROW IT OUT TO THE UNIVERSE, RELEASE FOR ALL TO SEE, A CHANCE AT DIGGING DEEP INSIDE AND FINDING SOMETHING TO SAY

WHAT IS A POEM TO ME?

IT IS JUST BEING ONE WITH MY THOUGHTS, ONE WITH THESE WORDS, ONE WITH GOD, ONE WITH BEAUTY, ONE WITH UNITY, ONE WITH MOVEMENT, ONE WITH LYRICS, ONE WITH HAPPINESS, ONE WITH SADNESS, ONE WITH ANGER, ONE WITH PAIN, ONE WITH ANXIETY, ONE WITH HATE!

WHAT IS A POEM TO ME?

IT IS A POEM, IT IS A POEM, IT IS JUST A POEM!

WHAT IS A POEM TO YOU?

WORDS THAT CAN BE SPOKEN IN RYTHM!

The moon as seen from my window - 3-27-13

Sex on my terms

I say who, I say when, I say WHO! ~ Vivian ~ Pretty Woman

Dear Journal:

I have been so swamped and exhausted lately, that I have not had an opportunity to sit on my bed with my lap top on my lap and do this, what I love to do best, write to you, my ever so faithful journal! I have missed doing this, because when I do so, I feel a sense of accomplishment, a sense of truth and freedom.  I feel that way, because to you I reveal all my thoughts and feelings and wishes and deepest dreams.

Last week was a really good week, it started with a study session with two awesome people on Saturday afternoon, my classmates and I, met up, got some sushi and headed to our college cafeteria and there we talked life and studied for our statistics class, it was a lot of fun! yeah I know to the majority of people in this world, studying may not be the most exciting thing in the world, but for me, because I waited over 10 years to be able to fulfill my dream, the dream of finally getting a Bachelor's degree, every single time I sit down to study, I am completely happy and I am even happier when I get to do so, with amazing intelligent individuals who are helping me out, thank you friends!

I have been avoiding the dating scene for three months now, and I have to admit that I feel really good about it, I decided a few months ago, that I was going to practice celibacy, because I felt that whenever sex is in my life, no matter in what capacity sex is in my life, it always brings to my life more drama than joy.  I will explain.  Men will say things like, I am only looking for sex and when I say ok, are you saying that you only what to be friends with benefits and they say yes, all of a sudden I find the person who I have made this agreement with, start to act a certain way with me that I don't quite understand, if we are only "friends with benefits" then why are you getting jealous? why aren't you acting like a friend? and why are you worried about what I do or when I'm doing it? and more importantly, why is it that you get mad if I am treating you like a piece of meat, if that is what you are offering me? so, because for the most part men think that what they want is one thing, but then once they have you in some sort of capacity they don't know what to do anymore, I decided that since I am not interested in a relationship at this moment, because I have to much going on in my life that is way more important, I just don't want to be bothered with sex at all.  But, that doesn't mean that I don't get those people who think they want to tell me what to do, so let me tell you journal a little story that happened to me last week.

I have been on dating sites now for almost five years.  When I started my dating site adventure, I was genuinely on them looking for a significant other, I really at that time wanted to have someone special because I had never been single in my life, meaning that I had been in relationships since I was 15 years old, never taking a break to just be me, be free and get to know myself. Anyway, at first, I took things on dating sites very personal, I would feel sad or hurt when someone would disrespect me or say mean things to me, but now, I don't quite honestly care what men say to me on line, I honestly don't, I learned not to take things personal.

The other day, I get a message from someone who I had met in person two years ago to be exact, at the car dealership where I purchased my car.  That day, one of the guys there, the one in charge of the parts, sort of flirted with me and gave me his number and told me that I should call him for anything I needed that had to do with my car, I thought he was cute but he wasn't really my type, but because I am single and I can flirt if I want to, I feel like maybe I did flirt back a little and maybe even sent him a message at some point, but then found out he was in a relationship and I don't do to others, what I would not want to be done to me, so maybe after our first very casual txt conversation, I never spoke to him again.  I remember that the conversation was very casual, because I think I was more texting him about my car, than to get to know him, I honestly almost feel like he gave me the number after he told me he had a girlfriend and stressed that I could txt him about car parts at any time.  Anyway, I never spoke to him again, because I never needed to get anything for my car, but I kept his number on my phone, I honestly don't think I ever delete any number.  After that brief interaction, I never saw or thought of him ever again until last week, when to my surprise he sends me a message on Plenty of Fish, one of the dating sites I am on, saying something like... Hi, I know you, you are XYZ and called me by my real name, although on the site I utilize my nick name, Jazzy.  Anyway, I was really shocked that he remembered my full name and after reading who he was, I obviously remembered who he was and I wrote back and was like oh wow! hey how are you? I'm telling your girlfriend that you are on a dating site..... and the rest of the conversation went a little like this...

Him - You can tell my girlfriend whatever you want I am no longer with her... lol

Me - Oh sorry to hear that, how are you? by the way, I still have your number on my phone

Him - Really? lol, listen let me cut to the chase, I don't have time for games, I just want sex from you, you want to fuck?

Me - Um, no thank you, I am practicing celibacy, thanks for the offer! (being sarcastic of course and then I also wrote) I'm actually only on here to network and chat, I like to write so I invite people to check out my blog, check it out.  (I proceeded to send him the link and thought to myself..... You must think you are gods gift to woman to come at me like that! laugh my ass off! your young and handsome, but not really my type, wow, men are so disrespectful!)

Him - Well if you like to write, you must know that you can't "practice" celibacy because your not practicing anything.  And your too old not be having sex, you should be getting it every chance you get!

Me - I sent him the definition of "practice" which is...

Practice (verb) - to do something habitually or as a practice. 

(I also wrote with my response) and you are right, I am too old, to bad you will never have the opportunity to touch my old body.  Also, I'm sorry if I offended you by not taking you up on your offer!

Him - I got to meet you in person and you and I know you are not smart enough to make it as a writer, you should give up while your ahead and I'm blocking you now... call me!

Me - I never had the chance to write back because well.... He blocked me!

Moral of the story...... I have learned, that unkind words, should fall upon death ears and that I offended him because I have the right to choose and I choose who, I choose when, I choose how, and where and why.  I don't take anything anyone says to me on line personal, because I understand, that some people have really low self esteem, and this young man, clearly does, even if he is handsome and has a six pack, which he had pictures of to show them off.  Hey, I am happy for him that he has a great body, too bad he has a lousy attitude and a terrible personality.  

Please! let's be kind with our words to others.....

The man in the cloud

And you sat looking down, always in your own cloud, and as I looked at you from a far, I couldn't see where you were.

You were a wish that came true, for I had wished for you, the day I first set eyes on you.

But you were better from a far, to look, not touch and leave you where you were.

So I hid behind the stairs and hoped that you wouldn't see me there, because deep down I had always been scared and from a far, you seemed to be fair.

But there you were sitting down, and I watched you as you looked down, yet you didn't know that I was around, because you were always in your cloud.

And it all started one night, with a dance, with a kiss, with a touch with a glance, and a moment of perfection, that put me back in the right direction.

The life that I once knew, even before I wished for you, except I always knew, I wasn't the girl for you.

So I watched you from a far, wondering where you were, what once was will never be, but you brought me back to reality...

Thank you.