One Crazy Night!

 Dear journal -

I simply must tell you the night I had because it was pretty wild! but first, can I just say that life has been pretty weird for me lately.  I don't know what is in the air but all these people from my past have been popping up out of nowhere and when I say people I mean men.  It's as if there was a notice sent out that I am single again.  I've been single now for 9 months that's almost a year, but it still feels so new to me.  I am still getting used to being myself again and being single and having all these freedoms that I didn't for the past 4 years.  I'm not saying that while I was with my ex I wasn't free, I mean technically I was, no one owns you, but I mean just me making decisions by myself about everything.  

Before I tell you about last night, I want to tell you about my internal dilemma! the story goes a little something like this.  Once upon a time, this woman right here lived a happy life in Brooklyn, NY.  I was single and loving life but I was also this crazy scary bitch as it turns out.  Looking back at myself back then and even reading through some of my past journal entries, I feel so sad that at some point in my life I was a cold hearted bitch who treated men pretty shitty, and I have to say that I never did it intentionally, I was only protecting myself, because I had been hurt so many times that I had learned to almost shield my heart to the point that I was like a robot maybe? the reason why I'm saying this is because I have been thinking about past, friends with benefits I guess, I've been thinking about it because I'm trying to figure out what my current needs are and or what I want.  It's been very confusing for me lately because part of me doesn't want to be with anyone serious, the other part realizes that friends with benefits is almost a myth sometimes! however, when I lived in NY I was really good at it and I found out just yesterday why! 

I messaged one of my ex fwb because after I moved to CO, one day I had gotten a friend request on FB from someone who played that role in my life, when I saw him I was like.... how the F! did he find me on FB, I don't even use my full name, anyway I didn't mind and we connected and through the years I watched as he met a girl, fell in love, got married and had a baby! crazy! I don't usually talk to him but I felt like saying hello because well, I was thinking about fwb so I say hello to him and he's like, holy shit I was just thinking about you and from there we went down memory lane and it's been getting a little crazy! and when I say crazy I mean we are talking about meeting up when I'm in NY next.  Ok, he's MARRIED! I have no idea what the hell I'm doing but journal, this man has gotten hotter with age! also, I knew him first! ALSO we had amazing sexual chemistry! I'm not saying that's why we are meeting, but I don't know I'm feeling so tempted and this makes me sad that I'm almost ready to do something I know for a fact I will feel guilty about because well, HE'S MARRIED! UGH! 

So, during one of our conversations he said to me, do you still not kiss anyone? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! I was like, what do you mean? he was like, well when we used to hang out you never used to kiss me because you said it made things too personal! WHAT AM I A HOOKER??? OMG! after he told me that, I remembered that I had that as a rule, I LOVE kissing and I would always think, don't kiss your fwb because you might start to catch feeling for him and then it ruins everything.  I can't believe the lengths I went through back then because of that wall I had built around me that guard was up so high.  I literally cried after talking to him thinking about myself and that woman that I had become! I apologized to him and told him that I can't believe I did that and he said we would kiss a little but not really and that he thought I wasn't attracted to him so he didn't push the subject.  Wasn't attracted to him! OMG this man is HOT! did you read up top where I said I might see him when I'm back in NY because the temptation is sooooo GREAT! this is all so crazy and makes me so sad, I don't want to be that woman again but in my gutt, I feel her coming, I feel that Jazzy being reborn and It makes me scared, I don't want to be that person again!

This brings me to last night, I was crying to one of my best male friends last night telling him about the conversation I had with my ex "friend" and he told me he understood because he's been single for so long because he just can't commit because of the hurt someone caused him, but here is where shit got real crazy journal, then he turns to me and says, but I've been having those sorts of feelings for you all this time! and by all this time he means 7 years, the length of time I've been in Colorado.  I swear journal in that moment it felt like I was in some sort of movie or something where the best friend reveals his feelings and the other friend is like what just happened? as I'm writing this entry I still can't believe he told me what he did and then it all made sense to me, my ex couldn't stand him never tried being his friend and he couldn't stand my ex.  I used to think it was because I don't know they are men and felt competitive about each other like one is my friend one is my man and they just don't like each other, but now it is all so clear to me.  Maybe my ex could tell that my friend had some sort of something for me.  We don't like spend countless hours together we don't talk every day he's not like my best best friend but we have been really close and goodness I had NO CLUE that he saw me that way! after he told me that he kissed me and I just sat there in like panic mode and he didn't like put his tongue down my throat he literally tap kissed me and then did it again like 3 more times and I was just there stiff feeling overwhelmed and in disbelief! and then I was like.... I have to go! 

What is happening in my world journal! today is a sad day, because I feel like I lost one of my best friends ever! I don't feel the same about him, I love him so much but I cannot imagine us as a couple, I know him so well and he's awesome, he's so handsome and he's such a great guy, but I don't see him that way.  I know he has issues with commitment and well, him telling me that was almost like saying, I haven't wanted to commit to anyone but if we try I would be open to it with you! ugh, why is it that the ones you like don't like you but the ones you don't like want you? why is that a thing? Before that conversation we had made plans to have lunch today, but I just couldn't go through with it so I messaged him earlier and said we had to reschedule and he never responded, I feel horrible! Today is a sad day journal.

I think I'm going to stay away from people for a while, I feel so overwhelmed lately, I was sort of mean to someone that I actually like and just because he doesn't like me back that way, I was such a bitch! and then I felt bad and I wanted to keep saying that I'm sorry, but I just don't want to bother this person anymore, I've decided that if someone wants to talk to me then sure.  But for me actions just speak louder than words so I'm not paying attention to anything this person has to say because until now he's kind of mislead me or maybe we haven't been really clear or maybe I just let what I feel cloud my judgement, so instead of making up stories in my head as I can be pretty creative, I'm just going to assume that if someone isn't talking to me it's because they don't want me end of story!  

I do wish I could see him again and talk about stuff, texting is so weird and it's never the same like seeing someone and talking to them.  I feel like to him, he thinks I want to be with him and I don't know lock him down? I don't think he realizes that when I say I don't know what I want I mean that. I don't even know him enough to know what I want with him, I can't base wanting to be in a relationship with someone on sexual chemistry and the fact that I like him, I mean it's not like I'm in love with this person, I barely know him! what if we kept being friends and then that's all it ever ends up being, or we stop liking one another or I don't know, one of us meets someone else we like more, like the scenarios are endless.  But, he stated what he wanted and I'm so all over the place I just can't do it, I don't want to put myself out there and be the HS girl that likes the boy that only hangs out with him because being around him makes her feel so good because she likes him soooo much but then the minute he leaves he doesn't talk to her but she's so naive and young that she waits around for the next time she can get a piece of him! goodness! I learned those lessons years ago! if what you want isn't being reciprocated, run as fast as you can! I am a little more emotionally intelligent and Jazzy gotta take care of Jazzy! Maybe things are better this way, it's just a bummer because I felt a really great connection with him and that doesn't happen to me like EVER! so yea; letting it go!

Well, that's it for now! that was a LOT! I will leave you with this song that I've been listening to that makes me think of this person I was just talking about, it's this crush, this crush that I want to move on from!! UGH! hey as a side note journal, he doesn't know what he's loosing out on! Ha! Jazzy is freaking AWESOME! I'm even better as a friend, as a girlfriend, well, who knows what my exes say about me! YIKES!

Crush - Jennifer Paige