Dear journal -
OH MY GOSH! Dear Odin! why can I not stop thinking about this individual? it's really annoying! I just want him out of my head! and no, I am not talking about my ex....YUK! any time that individual comes into my thoughts I catch those thoughts and I say to myself, "stop thinking about him!" that works every time, but then my thoughts go back to him! this man that I can't stop thinking about! I mean I guess I rather think of him than my ex, because well my ex is the past and this man is kind of sort of in my present but then again is he?
The other night I had a heart to heart talk with my son, he told me that I seemed really distracted lately and too focused on men. Ok, to my defense I'm not really focused on men because I have no men to be focused on, so at first I got annoyed at my sons comment. I assured him that I wasn't focused on men and he said yes you are because you keep talking about all these and here is the key word he used journal.......loosers! He was like mom, what do you want? what are you looking for? what do you think you need? in that moment, I felt like he had just thrown a cold bucket of water on my head because I was speechless, I made that face of like wanting to say something so I sort of opened my mouth to say it but then I had nothing to say, not a word! If yo know me in person you know I am a talker, I can talk. After a minute I said, son, I have NO IDEA! ugh! I hate when I feel this way, when I know nothing. I don't know what I want, how I want it, where I want to live, where I want to work, where I should be going, I feel like I'm in limbo and like I'm so stuck and can't make up my mind. This stresses me out because I always have a 5 year plan and for me not to have one is simply unacceptable!
Since that conversation, I have been trying to think about what it is that I want. Anytime I start thinking about what I want, he always pops back up into my thoughts! NO JOURNAL NOT MY EX! that guy! the guy I won't talk much about. Something about him intrigues me, something about his energy when I've been around him or maybe it's something about his touch, or the way he smells. He was at my place once and after he left and I took off my sweater, I could smell him all over it, I didn't want to wash it because it smelled like him. I feel like I lie to myself every time I try to act like I don't really like him like that or why am I still thinking about this person or what's my problem? I don't know, I always feel like you shouldn't think of those who don't think about you and he clearly isn't thinking about me, if he thought about me, he would talk to me and we barely do. My goal now is to keep it moving and to work on not thinking of those who don't think about me. I deserve so much more, I'm an amazing woman and any man would be lucky to have me! I really do believe this with all of my heart!
I just get so mad when other women have done shitty things to good men and then those men are all scared and here comes Jazzy really freaking amazing woman that knows how to treat her man, and all I end up with is men that don't appreciate me! how is that fair journal? why do all the shitty women get and mess up and abuse the good men and then the good women or the women that try to do right by their men, always end up with the users, abusers, players! I don't know I always love to write all these questions on here as if someone is going to answer them for me.
I need to focus on myself more and keep trying to figure out what I want and just keep enjoying my life. I do have to say that lately I have been feeling sooooo much like myself! I LOVE IT! I feel like me and I feel as if my ex is finally gone, like he's really gone from my life and like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like he's no longer my problem. I'm so glad he and I didn't have kids together, because the worse thing ever is dealing with your ex while trying to move on from them yet knowing that you HAVE to communicate with them because they will be in your life for the rest of your life! ugh! speaking of which, I haven't been talking to my ex husband in what seems like months, he just makes me so angry that I decided that I do not need to talk to that man about ANYTHING! there is not one time ever that I can remember, that he doesn't throw a jab at me when we talk. We have this weird friendship type situation that sometimes we can be really cool and have a conversation and then the next minute we can't even talk to one another because we can't stand each other. I try journal I really really do, but anytime that man can say something mean to me he does and I'm done tolerating his rude behavior toward me.
I'm rambling, it's late, I'm tired and sleepy! ta ta journal!
I will leave you with - Marvin Gay - Sexual Healing
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