Maybe I was the problem?

Dear journal -

Ever since my break up, every month when I'm close to my menstrual cycle, I get so emotional about my ex that I often reach out to him.  I haven't done so in the last few months, but I did for a while.  A few weeks ago I went through some old emails that I sent my ex while we were together and today since I'm premenstrual, I wanted to read some again, I guess it beats reaching out to him right journal? Some of the emails made me laugh and think of him fondly.  Then I found some that made me angry and reminded me of why we weren't meant to be and then I also found some that made me cry really really hard, because it reminded me of everything that he did to keep me, to constantly show me that he loved me, to fight almost for my love, for me to stay, for me to be ok with the way I felt about him.  I guess I just can't understand still why he gave up? was he tired, did I not show him enough love? 

I got a strange text message today from a number where he lives, the text just said "hey there" so I responded and asked who it was and the person never got back to me.  Deep in my heart I wanted so bad for it to be him, for him to tell me he's sorry, for him to tell me he didn't mean it, for him to tell me he messed up.  The truth is that it may not be him, I met some people on one of the dating sites I'm on when I was visiting Oregon, and I gave my number to a few people, so I mean it could be anyone.  The point is that in my heart I wanted it to be him.  Just when I think I moved on, my period comes to my world and ruins everything I've been building! in one day my world is broken again for a few hours at the very least.  

I'm journaling today because I wanted to put that letter that I wrote him on here, I'm doing this even though it is deeply personal and I mean this whole journal is personal, but this letter is very very real and super vulnerable.  I want it on here because it reminds me that I CAN love! that being with him reminded me that it was ok to love because sometimes you get loved back in a way that maybe you've never experienced.  His love for me was very different than anyone else I've ever been with, I always like to say that he loved me in his own selfish way, but I think he loved me the way he knew how.  He was raised Christian I was raised Catholic, at one point when I was trying to get to a place where I felt secure in our relationship, I talked to him about trying to believe again, well for me at least, because while he didn't pray or go to church, he does believe in heaven and hell and everything else the Christian church teaches.  Reading this letter also reminded me that at least I tried my hardest and that maybe I wasn't the problem! Break ups always have a way to make you question yourself, others, your beliefs, ideas, just everything! I can't wait until the day that I no longer think about all these things that in the end don't even matter anymore!

Without further ado..... Here is the email I wrote to Chino (that's not his real name) on 5/3/19

This morning I woke up and felt as if all the love I have been trying to suppress for you came back into my heart and with that my fear came back.  I don’t know how to shake this scary feeling that I get about us, but my goal is to overcome my fear so that we can have a happy loving relationship.  I just want you to be ok about the ones that I love.  I also want to do the same thing with regards to your family and I think that the only way we can ever accomplish all of this is by bringing God into our lives together as a couple, and while the journey of spirituality is one that must be taken alone, I believe that supporting each other through the process will help us both grow closer together and become one with him.

I tried talking to Jesus yesterday and it felt really foreign, I felt like a hypocrite, how can I have denied him from being in my life now for over 10 years and expect him to be back in it just like that, I know that this process will take time, but I really want us both to be closer to him so we can be closer to each other. 

Although we have gone through so much I believe that our love has held us together, imagine how much happier we will be when we bring him into our hearts completely, I don’t know how to start, but I hope we can figure it out together, I have to believe he’s been in our lives because then how else will we have made it together this long? Jesus is love, and we might not have good communication or good skills to handle difficult situations, but one thing is for sure, we have true LOVE! I feel blessed to have you in my life because you have stuck by me through my crazy, I want you to know that when I loose my shit it’s because I’m so scare to loose you, I don’t know how to explain it but I feel like I shut down and want to run as fast as I can.  I want to be a better mother and girlfriend, thank you for your support.  I know you said I’m not supportive of you, I am I just don’t want you to burn out because you are working so hard, I want you to be happy and have the things you want and deserve, you are a good man, but sometimes you don’t know how to show it, or I have an expectation and I don’t get what I expect, I like that you said it’s good when we talk instead of me yelling and getting crazy, I will talk to my therapist about my blow ups and ask her to help me control them, but I will also try to become one with God again and see if that will help me as well.

I’m scared :( please don’t ever stop loving me.

Te amo!

He responded: Just don't push me away and I won't stop loving you.  

I leave you with - Janet Jackson.... Again.