Actions or words?

 Dear Journal -

I've written about 3 journals and saved them as drafts, I did so, because I'm not sure what I want to share on the world wide web! One day many years ago, someone told me that he had found out something I did on my journal and that it had hurt his feelings.  When he told me that I felt horrible, I don't ever intentionally write anything on here to hurt anyone, I'm simply sharing the truth of my life events.  My son asked me if I had his whole biography on my journal and I was like, I barely even write about my kids.  I write this journal because I am not afraid of sharing, but again, sometimes I'm afraid of sharing because I don't know who gets on these pages and is curious and or just feels like being supportive of my writing or whatever the case may be.  

I have been feeling really confused as of late.  I feel confused because I often wonder if I'm truly over my most current ex.  The other day, I asked a friend if he thought I was still hung up on my ex and he told me that I just had a lot of emotions about it still and I was just healing.  He said that I should always try to think about the good things about the relationship.  I liked that he said that to me, but at the same time, I don't know that I agree with thinking about the positive things, because when I do think about the positive things, it just makes me sad.  Still, I thought his advice was really nice and because I like him and respect his opinions, I thought I would give that a try.  So, the next night I laid in bed and started to think about all the things that I could think of that were positive and I practically cried myself to sleep.  I realized that even though there were a lot of positives, there were probably more negatives.  I also realized that I need to let go of both positive and negatives and just really be done with it all.  

Last year at this time I was a serious HOT MESS! I was feeling the craziest I had felt in a long time! this year however, things are so much better! I feel happier than I have in such a long time or maybe I should say, I feel more complete, more like myself.  I have really good people in my life right now and I am feeling happier in Colorado than I did when I first came back, I don't really miss Oregon anymore, I mean sure I miss the beach and the people, but I don't feel that yearning that I did when I first got back.  Oregon will always hold a very special place in my heart, but for now, I have come to terms with the fact that Colorado is where I belong and where I need to be, I'm ok with that!

The dating world has all but died to me, I don't really go on dates anymore, I don't really talk to anyone on the site I'm on, I just have no interest in doing so.  I've stayed on the site just because part of me really wants to find things to write about, I also want to get more followers on my FB page, which is where I post this journal on, but other than that, no one has really captured my attention, men are so lame sometimes.  Men love to talk talk talk and I don't want words, I want actions! to me, actions speak louder than words, so I always pay attention to peoples actions because those are the things that really matter! I have always been the type of person that if I say something even if sometimes it may seem a little ridiculous, I will follow through with it, for my word is truly my bond no matter how small, the point is that if I say it, I try my hardest to do it! 

When my ex and I first met, we had been together maybe I don't know a month or so, I remember him telling me that his goal was to move to Oregon one day, when he said that, I was like..... I'll go with you! well, two years later I made his goal happen, my ex is in Oregon thanks to me! I made his goal a reality because he legitimately just sat there and did nothing to fulfill his goal.  When I set out to do something, I do it! end of story! so, I pay attention to actions, because people can say whatever they want, it doesn't mean shit if they don't back their words with actions.  So I'm pretty over talking to a bunch of people that love to talk and do absolutely nothing to back their words!

I have written in the past about how my word is my bond, I think that it's so important that you are known for being truthful, for being real, for meaning what you say, for being genuine, sincere and humble.  I try to be these things as much as I can, of course I'm human and not perfect at all, but I will go down trying!

It's late on Saturday night, why am I writing and not at the bar dancing the night away? No idea!

I'll leave you with........Last Dance by Donna Summer.... 

love this song!