Sorry..........

 Dear Journal -

I'm just getting home from the bar, I had such a fun day! threw what feels like my first BBQ and it was a total success! everyone had a great time! I've never really been one to be the BBQ person, I don't particularly like hosting things, but everyone was really happy and thanked me a million times! it felt so good to see all my friends happy.  The day was so fun, that after my BBQ, we all went back to our respective homes to get ready and then went out to the bar to continue the festivities, all in all great day!

In other Jazzy news, I was kind of mean to someone on the dating site that I am on, I guess I'm sort of on what I like to call my "bitch mode" I don't like when I meet a man on a dating site and they start asking me for pictures.  First off, I have a full body picture on my profile, I'm wearing tights and a sports bra, like what else do you want to see? not only do I have that picture, I also have pictures on my FB page which has a bunch of pics, and while they may not all be current, I'm not one to send out a bunch of pics, I barely take pictures I hate taking them and have to take a million to be comfortable with one, so when someone I haven't even met in person starts to ask for more pictures, it really really irks me! so, he pretty much got the bitch mode Jazzy and even after I was a total raging bitch to him, he still wanted to keep talking to me. I am SO DONE with it all, I'm considering getting off dating sites for a while, but I'm conflicted because I've gotten new likes on my FB page because I'm on it, but it takes a lot of work and I don't know that I have the energy for it.

I think the most recent events in my life also have me feeling very discouraged about the dating world, it's so hard! and while sometimes I think I might be ready to "go get em tiger!" at the same time I'm so so scared, that the minute someone does one little thing I'm ready to go off on them.  I've said this before but my biggest fear is that I'm going to start building a wall and I know that once I do that, I will be lost behind it for who knows how long and I don't want to be that person again.  

I also feel that I treated someone that I really like, unkind.  While my intention was not to be mean in any way shape or form.  I told this person about himself based on the fact that he did something to me first that triggered me and made me go on a rant, but my intention was not to hurt this person or make him feel bad, what I told him was coming from a really good place, a place of caring.  The problem was, that I told him what I had to say on a txt message and text messages always loose the tone of the person sending the message and therefore, the reader, interprets the message worse than it may have been intended.  I feel really bad and sad about it, but I cannot reach out to him anymore and I cannot apologize for speaking my truth, especially when his actions toward me where also unkind. How can I apologize to someone for saying things that I meant that may have been interpreted wrong, when their actions were the ones that triggered me to say what I did in the first place? Not only that, but he has done a bunch of things to me already, basically, since we met. 

Looking back at our short history, I have been the one getting upset and he's been the one apologizing.  I swear journal that I was trying to go with the flow, I just went with what felt right and in the end, I feel like I tried really hard to make this person feel comfortable, meeting him where  he's at, not having very many expectations and pretty much making it convenient for him, like literally I never once asked for anything! literally nothing! oh well maybe some consistency and maybe some basic curtesy's that should be offered to people without them having to ask for them.  I followed his lead, because I myself didn't really know what I was doing, I myself wasn't sure what I wanted from this person, I only know, that when I am around him, things feel right, like they are supposed to just be. So I was just following his lead and all that for nothing.  I feel like I lost a good friend and I'm sad.

So, I just don't want to do it anymore, I just want to shut down and build my wall, it's always safer.  I am such a giver and I'm really sick of it! like how come all these women that aren't even good women, women that don't even take care of their man, they get all the good ones? where did I go wrong in my life? did I go wrong because I'm not a selfish bitch that only thinks of herself? like sometimes men tell me stories that I'm like WHAT DID SHE DO? and then I think of myself and I'm like damn! I'm such a great woman! why do I get the shitty end of the stick? I mean I am in no way shape or form perfect, I'm far from that. I want someone to tell me, I don't like that you do this or I wish that you did that, because I will work on things, because who doesn't want to be better? Who knows what horror stories my exes have to say about me, but the men that have been in my life in a significant way, at some point or another will tell me, Jazz, you were really good to me or no one ever loved me the way you did or something to that affect.  Mainly, my relationships have ended because I find myself very unhappy because I ask and ask and ask and don't receive, and it is all because people don't know how to communicate effectively and then it becomes a shit show and that is the end of that! So, yea, whatever I'm pretty much done!

I'll leave you with one of my favorite reggae songs ever!

Foxy Brown - Sorry