Dear Journal -
I've been going on quite a few hikes lately and I really genuinely enjoy them! I really like to do it alone because it feels like my time to be with myself, I usually hope no one is around so they can't see me talking to myself, and so far I haven't gotten caught! (this may or may not be true, the talking to myself out loud part) but my best friend and I would always joke that back in the days when I would be on the trains in NYC going to work or coming home from work, I would be thinking so hard that the next thing I knew, I would catch myself moving my lips! I was exaggerating, or maybe not, but it was always our joke like....... Don't think to hard on the train! Trails are different though! I talk to the plants and the bugs and birds and anything else I see that is living! nature is amazing and I catch myself sometimes not even thinking, but just loosing myself in the moment, which only would ever happen to me when I would run!
Last weekend was pretty cool! I went out with some friends and they left around 1 and I said, I will stay until close I want to continue to dance. Throughout my life, everyone has always thought that I am crazy because I am that person that literally likes to go out to literally dance! When I was in my late teens and early 20's and living in NYC, there would be nights that I would go out to the clubs by myself pick a corner and dance all night long! this is a true fact and I have friends that will attest to this. I always ended up seeing people I knew at the clubs, I went out so much I even knew professional dancers, I was friends with one who was actually a back up dancer for Janet Jackson and just knew a bunch of kids that were professionals, now when I think back, I always feel like I could have been that also, but I just didn't have the support that I needed to get into the field of dancing, non the less, dancing has always been special to me and I love it and I will never stop!
The reason why I'm writing to you today journal, is because when I was out on Friday night, at one point I really really missed him! my good friend and always dance buddy! I told you a few months ago that my friend of almost 8 years had told me that he had feelings for me and that it had been a very uncomfortable situation for me. I always wonder what the hell is wrong with me and why it is that when someone likes me I don't like them and vice-versa, but anyway, this revelation was really hard for me because he is the type of friend that would come to my home, knows my kids, we have gone to dance battle together in Denver, we have partied like rock stars together, I have made him dinner, I have met his parents, like he is a true real friend no strings or sexual history not even kissing! we are legit friends, so when that happened it was really difficult for me because I did not feel the same way and I knew in that moment that our friendship would never be the same!
Since that interaction, I had messaged him and talked to him like nothing had ever transpired, we actually had spoken on the phone once for like an hour but neither one of us brought anything up as I feel we both want to pretend like that awkward conversation ever happened. Things did change though and I have not spoken to him as often. On Friday, at like 1:30 in the morning when the liquor was kicking in, I sent him a txt message that read, are you out? I miss you homes! He responded a few minutes later telling me he missed me too and that he wasn't out but we could hang out the following night. My friend is a great dancer, so I wanted to hang out but I already had plans for the next night so I had to tell him I couldn't go out.
I miss hanging out with him so much and I want to again, but I just feel like I'm going to feel weird, like I know this secret about and feel guilty that I can't give him what he may want from me, although he never said what it was he wanted. I'm so scared to ask though because then what if he does want something from me that I can't give him? then what? will that change our friendship even more? I just want it all to go away and for us to be the way we used to be! wing people to each other! Women ALWAYS look at him and try to dance with him and hit on him and he is so oblivious sometimes! I'm like DUDE! did you not see that? meanwhile, he will always try to hook me up with some rando at the bars! it's so much fun and hilarious, I love him so much!
I've met some of the women he's semi dated, he tells me all about his "friends" that he never wants to date etc. that's our friendship! that's what I want again. He's really handsome has no kids is in his late 30's educated and sure he has some things he needs to work on like the rest of us, but I think with the right woman by his side, he will be even more amazing! Because we all know journal, that behind a great man, there has to be a greater women. I just hate that, that woman can't be me because I just don't see us that way and I've never really have, I've always thought of him like family. I did try to think of us that way once he told me what he felt and I just couldn't see it, I just feel like our chemistry is friendship and that's it. Sometimes when I think of all my male friends I'm like.... If only I can make my perfect guy with a little bit of this one and a ton of that one and some of this one! I have some seriously dope males in my world!
In other Jazzy news, things are good journal! lots of self care this month, it's been really simple my life, just very focused on the things that matter to me, like my kids, my family, my beautiful friends! I just got back on like 2 dating sites, one of them I had not been on for like 10 years and as soon as I put my info in, there I was! in all my late 30's glory! Pictures of me and everything! I was like What The Fuck! like you don't know me dating site! you didn't know I would be back! but it did! on a positive note, I was like HOLLY SHIT! I forgot about this pic, so I just had to update some photos and start clicking! Jazzy doesn't lie about her age or uses old pics, I want people to like me for me and what I look like now, not what I looked like in the past. So, let's start the games again, I say games because that's all it is, bunch of games adult people play! Let the fun begin!
I will leave you with Aaron Smith - Dancin
this song always gets me hyped! ha! good times!
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