Dear Journal -
This month is "International Jazzy's Self Care Month" yup, you heard it here first journal! I created my own holiday! HA! my post before this I shared some crazy thoughts that I have had and I got a bunch of messages from people I never even expected paid any attention to anything I ever said, it felt nice to know that there are caring humans out there. Last month was a really rough month for me, this past weekend I went on a hike by myself and was able to do some thinking and maybe a little bit of healing. I usually feel that I heal best by the ocean, but since I don't live near the ocean, I went into the mountains and just walked and walked and walked.
I once read a book called eat, pray, love and I wish I was a lucky girl with lots of money who could leave to India to find some sort of "Guru" who would give me the answers! but, since I'm not and in reality there are no answers, I just sit here and write and share. My friend who is a therapist told me about a group she thought I should attend and I assured her I was not suicidal and then I told her why I was feeling down and why July had been rough and why August was usually rough for me each year. I told her I had decided to get off of dating sites and just really focus on myself this month and take a break and just take care of myself. A few of my friends decided that they wanted to partake in my self care month, so that's what I'm doing, so far things feel really good, I feel a sense of peace within.
Today or in about two minutes, it will be August 5th. Today would have been Ronald's 48th bday! Ronald was my first husband. I have never really written much about him on my journal because I mainly write about my current stuff, but today as I thought about writing this journal entry in my car, I both laughed and cried thinking about Ronald! What can I say about my first husband? He was far from perfect this crazy bad boy! when we met, he was like 23 maybe? I will never forget the first time I saw him, I was at my parents house in Corona, Queens NYC and my cousin comes into the house and says, don't close the door my friend Ronald is coming in soon, so I was like ok I'll just open the front door for him (my cousin had walked in through our back door) I walk to the front and looked out the window and saw him and thought, what the fuck is up with my cousins friends hair? he wasn't my type so I didn't really pay him any mind. Fast forward a few weeks or maybe months later, my cousin kept telling me how I should talk to him cause he liked me and I kept thinking, well, he's not really my type not really into him, but one night we all got drunk and I ended up hooking up with him, from that day on he became my man. Back then, I was really really hoping to meet someone to "be my sons dad" because I felt that my kid needed to have a male figure in his life consistently, so I figured being a young inexperienced mom, that it would be a good idea to be with someone so that my son could be raised with a male and female role model. My sons real dad, was struggling with drug addiction at the time and that is a whole other story, but basically as a young dad himself, he did not have his priorities straight.
Well, Ronald like I said was a bad boy! and when I say a bad boy I mean that for real! he grew up very poor in Venezuela and he had a very strong Spanish accent, he never had a dad and he was was extremely close to his mom. He was very very handsome and when he walked into a room, he definitely caught the women's attention. I loved him, but I can honestly say I was never in love with him. I loved him because he helped me to get over the fear that I had of my ex or babies daddy, who at the time was really scary and since he was well known in NYC and everybody in our social circle knew my babies daddy because he was a graffiti artist, I was sort of like forbidden fruit and no one really wanted to date me because "you don't date Dev's baby mom" there is a lot more to it all, but basically Ronald was from a different "group" I guess for a lack of better term, so he didn't give a shit about who my baby daddy was and he wasn't going to let anyone fuck with his woman!
Ronald and I had really fun times, today as I was thinking about him, I remembered a time when it was raining really really bad! I was looking out the window and everything was flooding, so I looked at him and I was like "let's go outside and get wet" so what did we do? we ran outside and started running around getting soaked! I have that memory very vivid in my mind! we laughed and ran and acted like two kids, I mean we practically were kids! Ronald was an AMAZING salsa dancer, back then, I wasn't really into salsa music, I mean I've never really been big on salsa music but I know it and I liked it, but I did not love it, he LOVED IT! I was more into the hip hop culture so I never really went out to Latin clubs, but when I started dating him, he pretty much made me into a Latin culture girl, I have to admit that it was fun getting out of the scene where I was "forbidden fruit" and I could be with other Colombians as I never really knew very many other than my family. We literally went out every weekend and partied like rock stars, but Ronald would pressure me to dance and if I didn't dance my best, he would get really pissed off at me. We showed off our moves and people stared, it was both flattering and a little uncomfortable for me, because the real dancer in that relationship was him, he was really really good!
Ronald moved in with me fairly quickly and I told him we should get married as he did not have legal status in the US and we lived together so we might as well get married! the day we were to be married by law, I sat in the car crying to my best friend when he went to buy film for our camera, because I wasn't marrying the man I really loved, my babies daddy! The relationship I had with Ronald was really tough, like I said, I was very young and very inexperienced, Ronald definitely had more experiences especially sexual, so with him I learned a lot about sex and he made me feel comfortable in my own skin, he loved me I know that he did, but he was also young and handsome and women and girls liked him. His first love was a woman about 15 years older than he was and this woman had really impacted his life, I was SO JEALOUS of this older woman! her name was not allowed to be said anywhere near me! I think while I was with him, he probably saw her occasionally but I never really knew what type of things he did behind my back. This man did stuff to me that I will never allow anyone to ever ever do to me again! he would not come home at night, sometimes for days, life with him was pretty hard! he would always tell me that he knew I didn't love him and he knew who I really loved and he was right, I still loved my sons father and it was hard for me, because I was sort of living a lie.
Ronald wasn't a bad man, Ronald was just a young man, an inexperienced man, but he had a big heart and he loved his pit bulls! he taught me about them, he used to breed them and it was fun having puppies all the time, he meant well and he wanted to take care of his woman no matter what he had to do to take care of me. One day I told him that he had never even proposed to me or given me an engagement ring, so that Valentine's day, he figured out a way to buy me an engagement ring and he went down on one knee and proposed to me, even though we were already married. His family loved me, his mom was one of the best moms I've ever met! when he and I walked into a room together, people looked at us because we looked like we belonged together, we made a good looking couple. Ronald could be romantic and special if he wanted too, we could have laughs but he could also break my heart into a million pieces. We lasted about close to 3 years and finally we broke up for good. About a year after our divorce was finalized, Ronald died of a drug overdose, his drug of choice was cocaine.
Drugs, have always some way some how affected my life. When I went to his funeral, and his sister saw me walk in, she started screaming at me and blaming me for his death, she told me that had I not divorced her brother, he would still be alive. I remember looking down at him in his coffin thinking, wake up please, wake up! he looked so peaceful! every year on August 5th, I remember that it's his bday in heaven, I cannot remember what day or year he died. He had a son before he passed and I was his only wife. His mom told me in the funeral, that I was the only woman he had ever truly loved. I don't know what truth there was to that, but I do know I broke his heart pretty bad. However, about two weeks before he died, he had stopped by my house and came to my room and hugged me and said "Jazz, you don't love me anymore, we don't ever talk" Ronald had forgiven me and I him for all that we had been through and we were friends, sometimes when I was down I would call him and ask him for advice, Ronald was my friend!
Whenever someone breaks my heart, I want to call him so bad and tell him all about it, because I know he would defend me from everyone! Ronald was man's man, and he was a fucking bad ass! he got respect wherever he stood, he was funny and kind and loving! I miss him dearly!
HAPPY BDAY IN HEAVEN!
I will leave you with, Ronald's favorite song and his picture. This picture is of him, his dog and my son, he loved my son as his own for the short time we were together.
No comments:
Post a Comment