Dear Journal -
I am completely obsessed with figuring out how I will climb the next mountain! It is seriously an addiction and now I understand what all the fuss is about! OMG! it reminds me of the runners high I would get whenever I used to go on my runs! speaking of runs, yesterday I went on my typical hike which I usually do in about an hour to an hour and 15 min. WELL! I was able to run down the hill and I ran the whole thing which is about maybe a mile and it felt AMAZING! at the end my foot still felt good and I just felt really accomplished, it was a good feeling to feel like myself again! I try not to over do it because I'm always afraid to get hurt again, but sometimes I do want to push myself a little.
So after hiking for 8 hours last weekend, I came home and wrote about how I felt really sad when I had reached the top of the mountain and felt as if I didn't have anyone to share that news with. The truth is that there was someone that I did want to share the news with, but in the past he has ignored my messages and as you know journal, being ignored is not only rude, disrespectful and pretty mean, but it also gives me anxiety as it reminds me of one named (Benjamin Nunez) who literally ignored me for 2 years or maybe more I can't even remember anymore. I am going to start writing the story and one day my goal is to write a book where I will reveal his true identity, there are very few people that know who he is, and while he isn't a "celebrity" he is definitely very well known in his field and in the blogger world, he has hundreds of followers and he's been blogging for about 20 years now, so I can't WAIT! to put his name on my book and let people know what an asshole he was to me and how he played with my head and fucked me up pretty bad, with his internet games!
I had decided a while back that while this person that I wanted to share this news with I felt a very strong connection with and thought he felt it back, I was always afraid to like really show this person all of me. I feel now that I lied to him and to myself about my true feelings, partially because I am afraid of rejection and partially because I'm afraid to feel this close to anyone and while I came on here saying that I was SO ready to find myself a boyfriend, I know myself well enough to know that I don't really operate that way, I have never really went "looking" for a boyfriend, I think that whenever I've been in a relationship it's simply because it just happened, like I felt a strong connection to that person and vice versa, so the truth is journal, that I'm not desperately seeking anything, however, by spending time with this man whom I wanted to share my news with and feeling connected to him, it made me feel the desire to be close to someone again, but anytime I tried imagining myself with him or anyone else for that matter, my heart starts beating really fast and I feel this enormous amount of fear, I AM SO SCARED! to love again ever! I know that this is probably temporary or I hope it is, I hope that one day I can open myself up to the opportunity, but for now it's still too scary to imagine and I just feel that when it does, it will just flow, I won't feel afraid to text this person because I will know he will respond, I won't feel afraid to show him expressions of kindness or thoughtfulness because he will offer me the same kindness and also be thoughtful with me. I won't be afraid to call him because if he doesn't pick up I will know that he will call me back.
This person that I was feeling close to, was not offering me the attention that I wanted, I guess he wasn't into me that way, and while sometimes he sort of acted like he did feel some type of way about me, others it just felt like there was a lot of confusion going on in his mind. To be fair, there is a lot going on in his life, and I did feel that we were friends and could talk about anything and we were or at least I was always trying to be really honest and I really loved that part, that we told each other stuff that sometimes I quite honestly maybe didn't want to know, but that part of me felt that if things with him would have progressed, I would have definitely trusted him. I think some will call what happened between us, bad timing, I call it, he's not that into me! when a man wants a woman or vice versa for that matter, this person will show it and won't be afraid too.
He once told me that he felt that if he ever got into a relationship again, it would have to be organic, which sure I get that, but also, things don't happen by magic, there has to be a little give an take and it can't be on the part of only one person, there has to be a little effort by both people. I only ever asked him for one simple thing, which was, when we don't get to spend time together, message me and say hi. That is literally all I ever asked for. I almost feel like what we shared was very organic, like when we spent time together it was always amazing and we never really did much, just being in each others company felt natural and even if I didn't see him for a month, the moment we saw each other again, it was as if time had not passed, it was natural and just this strong connection that I almost can't explain, however, I also kept reminding myself that the moment I walked out of his door, it felt like I didn't exist, sometimes he would make a little bit of an effort and others it was as if I didn't exist. So, because I have PTSD about being ignored and because I'm watching peoples actions toward me, I decided that I needed to get myself out of this one way love affair, I don't know what else to call it, I would always tell him it was our "little story" I feel that I deserve way more than that, I've always been honest or maybe I wasn't honest at the end about how I was starting to feel, but at least now I know that I do want to feel close to someone but I want that person to want to be close to me as well.
I keep turning people down that want to offer me attention, waiting for the attention that was never going to come probably. Sure, maybe I'm one hundred percent wrong, but I have a feeling that to him I was just someone fun who's company he enjoyed, but there was something missing and he was still looking for "the one" who knows, I know I won't ever know, because he will never tell me probably. People have the right to be with and care about whomever they want to, I'm just really glad that I've learned to see things for what they are, and that even though I'm bummed to pull myself out of this situation, I know that it's the best most loving thing for Jazzy to do for Jazzy!
I wish people were just more honest! I know I will be bummed about this for a while, mainly because I felt like he really helped me through the process of moving on from my ex, I guess a "rebound" if you will. I hope one day he and I can be friends, we had some good laughs! I will miss him!
The title to this post was inspired by the movie - Desperately Seeking Susan, which starred Madonna! I will leave you with one of my favorite Madonna songs - Get into the groove
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