Skater boy.......
Avril Lavigne - Skater boy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIy3n2b7V9k&NR=1&feature=endscreen
Avril Lavigne - Skater boy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIy3n2b7V9k&NR=1&feature=endscreen
Monday, July 30, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
28 Days to overcome my addiction
Dear Journal:
I have missed you, but I have to tell you that lately I feel like I can't write, like the words that are meant for this entry, can't be typed, as I write this I feel physical pain going down my arm muscles all the way down to my fingers. I am in pain, the sort of pain I don't know how to describe other than to say that it is a pain deep in my soul and in my heart and when I accept it and face it, it's really scary and very hurtful.
In October it will be 4 years that I became addicted to someone, no, love may not be your typical addiction, but when you become that persons personal stalker, it definitely can become one. Hi, my name is Jazzy and I am a stalker. As I write this tears are rolling down my cheeks, because this is the sort of thing I don't wish upon anyone, it has been really hard for me, because the love I had for someone was so deep, I felt helpless, I felt like I couldn't control it, I felt like it had the very best of me and as If I needed it for my very existence. I have written his name on my blog a million times and these days, even talking about him, is difficult.
The first thing I have to say is that I am not like those creepy, scary stalkers that follow the person around or wait for him anywhere, or prank call or send weird letters in the mail, without identifying themselves. I am guilty of stalking someone because just to know that he lives, was enough for me to go on with life as normal as possible, my obsession for him is so great, that I made up my own stories in my mind about the day I would finally have him. It is so hard to face these demons and to move on from this, because he is the very reason why I am writing again, he is the very reason why I believe in love, he is the very reason why I believe that we can do whatever we set out to, if we really want to. He made me want to be better and for that I love him! his name......... Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
For a really long time, I was doing really well, I wasn't even contacting him, I was moving on with my life trying to let go, I know that AJ had something to do with that, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html because when I started feeling things for him that I haven't felt for anyone else, I began to realize, that I could love again and that it is possible to forget someone no matter how long it may take. Without realizing it, I found someone who also inspired me and made me want to be better, all of a sudden, just knowing AJ, made me want to dance, sing, draw, write. He brought out the best in me and I loved that.
Then, things between he and I didn't work and although there is not one day that doesn't go by that I don't think about him, there was still that other part of me that knew that the one that always had me completely was Benjamin, like he could come to me right now and say the word and I would be his, mind, body and soul. This was evident to me about a month ago, when I went on his facebook page and there were all these pictures of his trip that I am assuming he took with his girlfriend. When I saw them, I broke down and that night cried myself to sleep. I thought I was over those feeling for him, but my reaction to those pictures really demonstrated to me that I still had very strong feeling for him and that I had to do something about it.
Then, the other day, I was talking to my wonderful awesome amazing friend D.B.S, and he told me something that sort of clicked in my head and made me realize something that is so evident to everyone but sometimes so hard to accept. I sent D.B.S a message and told him that I really missed AJ and he told me that he understood and that it was ok, and that I would get over it eventually. Then he said to me, that he missed his ex girlfriend as well and that he was so pathetic, because he would go on her FB page at least once a day, because when we love someone, just knowing they are living, is sometimes enough to calm our hunger for them. I KNOW THAT FEELING ALL TOO WELL! I said to him, because for almost 4 years, there has not been not one day, that I don't go on Benjamin's blog or Facebook or Twitter. As I was saying that to him, it made me realize that it was time that I get rid of this bad habit, a habit that has not allowed me to really move on from Benjamin, I realized that I had to make a real effort. To get rid of that habit, of going on his pages just so that I can satisfy my hunger for him, a habit that sometimes hurts me deeply. I need to realize that knowing things about him don't serve me any purpose, all those things do to me is hurt me, like the day that I saw pictures of his joyous trip with the woman who probably has his thoughts, his love and affection, the woman that now has him, my love.
What about the day I go on one of these pages and I find out that he is getting married? what of me? I can't continue to hurt myself and keep myself from moving forward. I talk about living in the moment and if he's no longer in my life this moment, then why am I holding on to him?
So, that afternoon after talking to my friend, I went on his Facebook page to stalk him as I have done so for the last nearly 4 years and I did something that I have done a few times in these past 4 years. I went into the settings on my phone and I blocked him. I didn't block him for him not to know about me, because for all I know, I no longer exist in this world to him, but because he is very much alive in me, I needed to block him from me, I needed to block him so that anytime I try to go on that page, I can not. I have blocked him in the past and even blocked his website from my computer my phone, he blocked me from his twitter account like three years ago, after our initial fight that ended our friendship. Yet I closed my old account and started a new one and figured out a way to view his tweets. It doesn't help that everything he has is public as is my stuff. It is so easy to just check, even if we are not friends on any social network site. It's really pathetic and embarrassing how I have become this crazy woman in love.
But now I'm done! I am sick of this habit, this sick obsession over someone that does not at all deserve my love my attention my devotion. I can give that to someone who truly deserves me and when the time is right, I will give that to someone else. I have blocked him from me so that I can finally move on and I am writing on my calendar every day that goes by, that another day has passed since I don't know absolutely nothing about him, yet here I am, although in a bit of physical pain in my arms and fingers and in my heart, but I am here, writing this entry, alive and well, full of love for my children, my family and my friends! I CAN OVERCOME THIS CRAZY ADDICTION! and I will! I am making a conscious effort. It only takes 28 days for me to overcome this addiction and I fully intend to overcome it.
Here I am putting this on my live journal, because I want anyone who comes across this page, to know that we can do ANYTHING we set out to do. I PROMISE YOU! I will do this! I once went 9 days without looking and on the 9th day I couldn't do it anymore and I wrote Benjamin a letter and called it 28 Days to overcome and addiction and I told him everything I had done to stop looking, but then I told him I was having a relapse, I felt compelled to look, to send him a message to reach out to him. Not this time! because this time I have you my beautiful journal, you, who I love and want to share my life with and because of you, I no longer need him, no I DO NOT!
I will love again one day! I WILL! and when that day comes, I will not need to stalk anyone or do anything crazy, because he will love me back also. I KNOW, he is out there, I feel it! I don't know who, I don't know how, I don't know when, but I know I WILL!
One Republic - Secrets
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
I have missed you, but I have to tell you that lately I feel like I can't write, like the words that are meant for this entry, can't be typed, as I write this I feel physical pain going down my arm muscles all the way down to my fingers. I am in pain, the sort of pain I don't know how to describe other than to say that it is a pain deep in my soul and in my heart and when I accept it and face it, it's really scary and very hurtful.
In October it will be 4 years that I became addicted to someone, no, love may not be your typical addiction, but when you become that persons personal stalker, it definitely can become one. Hi, my name is Jazzy and I am a stalker. As I write this tears are rolling down my cheeks, because this is the sort of thing I don't wish upon anyone, it has been really hard for me, because the love I had for someone was so deep, I felt helpless, I felt like I couldn't control it, I felt like it had the very best of me and as If I needed it for my very existence. I have written his name on my blog a million times and these days, even talking about him, is difficult.
The first thing I have to say is that I am not like those creepy, scary stalkers that follow the person around or wait for him anywhere, or prank call or send weird letters in the mail, without identifying themselves. I am guilty of stalking someone because just to know that he lives, was enough for me to go on with life as normal as possible, my obsession for him is so great, that I made up my own stories in my mind about the day I would finally have him. It is so hard to face these demons and to move on from this, because he is the very reason why I am writing again, he is the very reason why I believe in love, he is the very reason why I believe that we can do whatever we set out to, if we really want to. He made me want to be better and for that I love him! his name......... Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
For a really long time, I was doing really well, I wasn't even contacting him, I was moving on with my life trying to let go, I know that AJ had something to do with that, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html because when I started feeling things for him that I haven't felt for anyone else, I began to realize, that I could love again and that it is possible to forget someone no matter how long it may take. Without realizing it, I found someone who also inspired me and made me want to be better, all of a sudden, just knowing AJ, made me want to dance, sing, draw, write. He brought out the best in me and I loved that.
Then, things between he and I didn't work and although there is not one day that doesn't go by that I don't think about him, there was still that other part of me that knew that the one that always had me completely was Benjamin, like he could come to me right now and say the word and I would be his, mind, body and soul. This was evident to me about a month ago, when I went on his facebook page and there were all these pictures of his trip that I am assuming he took with his girlfriend. When I saw them, I broke down and that night cried myself to sleep. I thought I was over those feeling for him, but my reaction to those pictures really demonstrated to me that I still had very strong feeling for him and that I had to do something about it.
Then, the other day, I was talking to my wonderful awesome amazing friend D.B.S, and he told me something that sort of clicked in my head and made me realize something that is so evident to everyone but sometimes so hard to accept. I sent D.B.S a message and told him that I really missed AJ and he told me that he understood and that it was ok, and that I would get over it eventually. Then he said to me, that he missed his ex girlfriend as well and that he was so pathetic, because he would go on her FB page at least once a day, because when we love someone, just knowing they are living, is sometimes enough to calm our hunger for them. I KNOW THAT FEELING ALL TOO WELL! I said to him, because for almost 4 years, there has not been not one day, that I don't go on Benjamin's blog or Facebook or Twitter. As I was saying that to him, it made me realize that it was time that I get rid of this bad habit, a habit that has not allowed me to really move on from Benjamin, I realized that I had to make a real effort. To get rid of that habit, of going on his pages just so that I can satisfy my hunger for him, a habit that sometimes hurts me deeply. I need to realize that knowing things about him don't serve me any purpose, all those things do to me is hurt me, like the day that I saw pictures of his joyous trip with the woman who probably has his thoughts, his love and affection, the woman that now has him, my love.
What about the day I go on one of these pages and I find out that he is getting married? what of me? I can't continue to hurt myself and keep myself from moving forward. I talk about living in the moment and if he's no longer in my life this moment, then why am I holding on to him?
So, that afternoon after talking to my friend, I went on his Facebook page to stalk him as I have done so for the last nearly 4 years and I did something that I have done a few times in these past 4 years. I went into the settings on my phone and I blocked him. I didn't block him for him not to know about me, because for all I know, I no longer exist in this world to him, but because he is very much alive in me, I needed to block him from me, I needed to block him so that anytime I try to go on that page, I can not. I have blocked him in the past and even blocked his website from my computer my phone, he blocked me from his twitter account like three years ago, after our initial fight that ended our friendship. Yet I closed my old account and started a new one and figured out a way to view his tweets. It doesn't help that everything he has is public as is my stuff. It is so easy to just check, even if we are not friends on any social network site. It's really pathetic and embarrassing how I have become this crazy woman in love.
But now I'm done! I am sick of this habit, this sick obsession over someone that does not at all deserve my love my attention my devotion. I can give that to someone who truly deserves me and when the time is right, I will give that to someone else. I have blocked him from me so that I can finally move on and I am writing on my calendar every day that goes by, that another day has passed since I don't know absolutely nothing about him, yet here I am, although in a bit of physical pain in my arms and fingers and in my heart, but I am here, writing this entry, alive and well, full of love for my children, my family and my friends! I CAN OVERCOME THIS CRAZY ADDICTION! and I will! I am making a conscious effort. It only takes 28 days for me to overcome this addiction and I fully intend to overcome it.
Here I am putting this on my live journal, because I want anyone who comes across this page, to know that we can do ANYTHING we set out to do. I PROMISE YOU! I will do this! I once went 9 days without looking and on the 9th day I couldn't do it anymore and I wrote Benjamin a letter and called it 28 Days to overcome and addiction and I told him everything I had done to stop looking, but then I told him I was having a relapse, I felt compelled to look, to send him a message to reach out to him. Not this time! because this time I have you my beautiful journal, you, who I love and want to share my life with and because of you, I no longer need him, no I DO NOT!
I will love again one day! I WILL! and when that day comes, I will not need to stalk anyone or do anything crazy, because he will love me back also. I KNOW, he is out there, I feel it! I don't know who, I don't know how, I don't know when, but I know I WILL!
One Republic - Secrets
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
Monday, July 23, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Ludwig van Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata
Whenever I am doing homework, I listen to classical music as to not get distracted. So, why is it that I still get distracted? I just love it so much! this beautiful amazing music that touches me deep in my heart and soul and sometimes brings tears to my eyes.
Just now, I was doing my homework and this beautiful piano sonata from the great Beethoven comes on my pandora classical music playlist, and I just had to stop and put it on my blog, because well....... This beautiful Piano Sonata is one of my favorites.
I invite you to just close your eyes and listen and feel it in your heart, allow your mind to be still, feel serene and peaceful. Enjoy!
Ludwig Van Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qqib2eDweE
Just now, I was doing my homework and this beautiful piano sonata from the great Beethoven comes on my pandora classical music playlist, and I just had to stop and put it on my blog, because well....... This beautiful Piano Sonata is one of my favorites.
I invite you to just close your eyes and listen and feel it in your heart, allow your mind to be still, feel serene and peaceful. Enjoy!
Ludwig Van Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qqib2eDweE
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Dear Journal: 7-21-12
Dear Journal:
Today is a most beautiful day! the number is truly nice also, 7-21-12. It's my best friends birthday and I am going to have some dinner with her tonight, drinks and when I am with her, probably some good old reminiscing.
I feel like I am so focused on the future lately, that I don't ever think of the past, like letting go of some of the past has been good, I don't mean like the past like 5 years or so, I mean like the past 15 maybe. I don't know, I honestly don't remember a lot of it, I feel like I block things off and forget them, because a lot of what I went through, was too painful. It's really sad, because I sometimes forget even really nice wonderful memories, things that happened to my kids even, that people will remember and I don't. Not remembering some of those things really saddens me. But it is true, I really don't have a lot of my old memories, I don't understand why, but I know that I can't remember or maybe I choose not too, I am not sure. Sometimes, I remember things and that's when I feel this strong impulsive to write about it because then I can recall the information and put it on my journal, it's important for me to continue to write on here, because this is my reference tool, this is my past and my present to the best of my recollection.
I feel today like telling you, my sweet journal about my present. In constantly reminding myself to live in the moment, I have had the opportunity to experience so many wonderful joyful moments, that sometimes I become totally overwhelmed. Sometimes, I am so present, that I get scared, because it is in those moments, that life is crystal clear to me and it is frightening, when I experience that, I immediately tell myself, no not yet, I am not ready for this. It is quite creepy at times to be so aware and present. Imagine, seeing everything as clear as it is and knowing, just knowing everything. I can't explain it, but it is an amazing and scary thing, yet it is important because it makes life that much nicer.
Journal, I am afraid that I don't have too much excitement to report, life has been simple lately and I have to admit that I enjoy simplicity. I get up, go to work, school and come home. In between when I have time, I chat with this really handsome guy from Spain, another one from Connecticut, another one from Brooklyn and god only knows how many others I will briefly interact with virtually. I have to say, that although I talk to them all, no one seems to fill the void that my AJ left behind, journal, I think I was falling in love, WOW! I didn't even know I was, but I really think that's what it is. I have all the symptoms. However, I have made a decision that I will not continue to do what I have done in the past which is dwell and shut down. This time, I am not going into my shell as I have done in the past, this time, I am keeping it moving. I really am, like for instance this week I even went on a date and I had a really nice time, he's quite the nice guy, I like him. Well, there weren't sparks flying, everywhere, but he is good looking and really nice and I can definitely see myself kissing him, so that's a good sign. After we left each other, he asked me to meet him again and I intend to.
I think that it is time that Jazzy starts allowing herself to be a bit more open to intimacy, I can't allow other people's actions towards me, change who I am, I won't do that. When I met this individual for lunch this week, we got caught in the rain and had to run for it, it was actually a little romantic and felt really nice, I was happy to know that he liked the rain as much as I do. We did not kiss, because I want to take things slow, I cannot rush myself into feeling things that I don't. I keep thinking about the fact that when I met AJ I didn't even feel romantically attracted to him and yet it began to happen, because I started to see him with different eyes just by being his friend and getting to know him. Of course, it did help that he was sort of my type. He had these amazing green eyes, and the cutest light brown hair and his lips! OH THOSE LIPS! he was very handsome, I mean, I never saw him in person, but I didn't care, I got to know him and that was really awesome, developing feelings for someone based on who he was. We lived far away, so we didn't have the option to have sex, but, I honestly think that sex just ruins the romance and the process of truly getting to know someone and then realizing that you love them for who they are, not for how they make you feel in bed. I think I am at an age where I can differentiate lust and love, yet you get caught up in lust, because lust is SO DAMN GOOD! but, I don't allow myself too, because I did all of that already, it's easy for me to know what is lust and what is not.
Speaking of lust or maybe I should call it crush. The other day, I saw my building crush again. Remember him? he is the guy that I didn't really know I had a crush on but sort of did, then I saw him with his who I thought was girlfriend but wasn't and then I would see him on the train everyday but then after I started to actually talk to him and he formally introduced himself to me I stopped seeing! YES! THAT ONE! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-i-will-start-first-off-by.html goodness what is it with my luck? it's as if he changed jobs or moved away, I would see him everyday, but once we started talking, I don't EVER see him on the train anymore (insert sad smiley icon here) yeah, but the other day, I am leaving my apartment building, and I had been thinking about him off and on through out the day going, DAMN! where is he??? and all of a sudden, I run out of my building to go meet (a guy) and I'm running late so I am literally running to get to my car and as I turn the corner, there he is! I WAS LIKE OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDD it's him it's him!
He was probably about a half a block away from me and thank goodness I am a pretty decent runner, because I ran really fast at first, and then slowed down when I got closer not to be obvious. As I was walking, I kept noticing his walk, which was the goofiest, cutest adorable thing I have EVER seen! OH MY! he is just ADORABLE! the way he kind of wabbled from side to side his head going side to side. He reminded me of Toby McGuire in one of the spiderman movies where he is walking out of his school while that song raindrops keep falling on my head is playing in the background. JUST ADORABLE!
So now I am running a bit slower but for two reasons, one to get to my car and two, to catch up to him acting like it's a coincidence. Except that I was making so much noise, that at one point he started to look back to see who was coming, so he turned his head halfway, but looked across not behind him. When I start getting closer I start running a bit faster to get his attention, trying to make it seem like I was close all along, and this whole time I am thanking god that I run so I am not like dying and I can actually slow down to talk and not look like I just ran half a block but just a few steps. I finally catch up to him and am like hey! and he's like, HEY! with the cutest grin you can ever imagine! and he smiles and says, where are you running off too??? and I'm like oh I have to meet a friend (a guy) which I obviously don't tell him, and then to myself I think, GREAT! every single time I see you, I am utterly grateful that I don't have to use the term (amigo) in Spanish, because if I did, by now you would probably be like OMG, this woman has a boyfriend or something, meanwhile, it's just that I'm single and a bit of a player so I date, am I hurting anyone or doing anything wrong? NO!
So now I talk to him and I'm like yeah I saw you from back there and he's like really? wow you recognized me? (it was dark out) so now I am thinking to myself OH GREAT! I'm such a looser, he probably thinks I was running to see him, which I was but still! I didn't want him to know that. So I start startling like you know when you are trying to think of something quickly to say and I said something ridiculous like oh yeah cause I was running and then you turned and then since I seen you before from the back I kind of figured it was you....... OH BROTHER! what a LOOOOOSSER! I wanted to crawl under one of the cars that were parked, because I could tell he looked confused and could tell I was a bit nervous! NOBODY EVER! MAKES ME NERVOUS! UGH!
So then to top that off, I am like, so where have you been? which clearly demonstrates that I have been thinking about him and wondering, after making that comment I really really really wanted to crawl under something, I was so obvious! and he was like oh, I was in Costa Rica. So I was like Costa Rica? really? I was just there last October, by myself. When I said that he gave me this weird look and was like, BY YOURSELF? and I was so grateful that we both had to go in different directions at that point, which by the way I had also slowed my pace the minute I saw him, which clearly showed him that I slowed down for him. WOW! WHO AM I? and so the answer to his question was yeah, I do things like that! and then said ok my car is this way, and started running again. He must think I am a complete weirdo! which I sort of am, but I don't want him to know these things, not now at least! gosh! I just acted like a damn fool, teenager in lust or something. CRAZY!
After that day I have not seen him, that was last week. I sort of hope I stop seeing him, I don't think I want to. It's just easier to not get involved with people, especially someone that lives so close for comfort. I am not saying that he likes me back and that he will date me or whatever, but I do like him or not like him that is a strong word, I am attracted to him, and that is very rare, I am hardly EVER attracted to anyone. I am so picky, I sometimes just hang out with a guy, because well, why not? but, that doesn't mean I feel that WOW! and that WOW, is what I always look for and that WOW, is what I feel when I am around him. That is too close for comfort and I am good, thank you very much I don't need problems in my life. At least with the guy that I went on the date with, if I decide to not see him anymore, I can stop and I will probably never bump into him again, but this one, he lives right in my building. I was thinking of maybe asking him out next time I see him, I have never asked a man out in my life, so I was thinking of doing that, just as an experiment and to write about it, but then If I do, that will be awkward, especially if he says no. Naa! I'm good! I am not as bold as some may think I am, my lovely journal, not bold at all! and if he says yes and things don't go well, I will bump into him and feel awkward. I think I will pass this time journal, I think I like my simple kind of life.
Ok, gotta go now. Over and out from my bed with my laptop on my lap..... to you!
ps. here is the song with Toby McGuire that I referenced, THAT WALK WAS JUST TOO DAMN CUTE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNxyvTrQgMA
Today is a most beautiful day! the number is truly nice also, 7-21-12. It's my best friends birthday and I am going to have some dinner with her tonight, drinks and when I am with her, probably some good old reminiscing.
I feel like I am so focused on the future lately, that I don't ever think of the past, like letting go of some of the past has been good, I don't mean like the past like 5 years or so, I mean like the past 15 maybe. I don't know, I honestly don't remember a lot of it, I feel like I block things off and forget them, because a lot of what I went through, was too painful. It's really sad, because I sometimes forget even really nice wonderful memories, things that happened to my kids even, that people will remember and I don't. Not remembering some of those things really saddens me. But it is true, I really don't have a lot of my old memories, I don't understand why, but I know that I can't remember or maybe I choose not too, I am not sure. Sometimes, I remember things and that's when I feel this strong impulsive to write about it because then I can recall the information and put it on my journal, it's important for me to continue to write on here, because this is my reference tool, this is my past and my present to the best of my recollection.
I feel today like telling you, my sweet journal about my present. In constantly reminding myself to live in the moment, I have had the opportunity to experience so many wonderful joyful moments, that sometimes I become totally overwhelmed. Sometimes, I am so present, that I get scared, because it is in those moments, that life is crystal clear to me and it is frightening, when I experience that, I immediately tell myself, no not yet, I am not ready for this. It is quite creepy at times to be so aware and present. Imagine, seeing everything as clear as it is and knowing, just knowing everything. I can't explain it, but it is an amazing and scary thing, yet it is important because it makes life that much nicer.
Journal, I am afraid that I don't have too much excitement to report, life has been simple lately and I have to admit that I enjoy simplicity. I get up, go to work, school and come home. In between when I have time, I chat with this really handsome guy from Spain, another one from Connecticut, another one from Brooklyn and god only knows how many others I will briefly interact with virtually. I have to say, that although I talk to them all, no one seems to fill the void that my AJ left behind, journal, I think I was falling in love, WOW! I didn't even know I was, but I really think that's what it is. I have all the symptoms. However, I have made a decision that I will not continue to do what I have done in the past which is dwell and shut down. This time, I am not going into my shell as I have done in the past, this time, I am keeping it moving. I really am, like for instance this week I even went on a date and I had a really nice time, he's quite the nice guy, I like him. Well, there weren't sparks flying, everywhere, but he is good looking and really nice and I can definitely see myself kissing him, so that's a good sign. After we left each other, he asked me to meet him again and I intend to.
I think that it is time that Jazzy starts allowing herself to be a bit more open to intimacy, I can't allow other people's actions towards me, change who I am, I won't do that. When I met this individual for lunch this week, we got caught in the rain and had to run for it, it was actually a little romantic and felt really nice, I was happy to know that he liked the rain as much as I do. We did not kiss, because I want to take things slow, I cannot rush myself into feeling things that I don't. I keep thinking about the fact that when I met AJ I didn't even feel romantically attracted to him and yet it began to happen, because I started to see him with different eyes just by being his friend and getting to know him. Of course, it did help that he was sort of my type. He had these amazing green eyes, and the cutest light brown hair and his lips! OH THOSE LIPS! he was very handsome, I mean, I never saw him in person, but I didn't care, I got to know him and that was really awesome, developing feelings for someone based on who he was. We lived far away, so we didn't have the option to have sex, but, I honestly think that sex just ruins the romance and the process of truly getting to know someone and then realizing that you love them for who they are, not for how they make you feel in bed. I think I am at an age where I can differentiate lust and love, yet you get caught up in lust, because lust is SO DAMN GOOD! but, I don't allow myself too, because I did all of that already, it's easy for me to know what is lust and what is not.
Speaking of lust or maybe I should call it crush. The other day, I saw my building crush again. Remember him? he is the guy that I didn't really know I had a crush on but sort of did, then I saw him with his who I thought was girlfriend but wasn't and then I would see him on the train everyday but then after I started to actually talk to him and he formally introduced himself to me I stopped seeing! YES! THAT ONE! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-i-will-start-first-off-by.html goodness what is it with my luck? it's as if he changed jobs or moved away, I would see him everyday, but once we started talking, I don't EVER see him on the train anymore (insert sad smiley icon here) yeah, but the other day, I am leaving my apartment building, and I had been thinking about him off and on through out the day going, DAMN! where is he??? and all of a sudden, I run out of my building to go meet (a guy) and I'm running late so I am literally running to get to my car and as I turn the corner, there he is! I WAS LIKE OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDD it's him it's him!
He was probably about a half a block away from me and thank goodness I am a pretty decent runner, because I ran really fast at first, and then slowed down when I got closer not to be obvious. As I was walking, I kept noticing his walk, which was the goofiest, cutest adorable thing I have EVER seen! OH MY! he is just ADORABLE! the way he kind of wabbled from side to side his head going side to side. He reminded me of Toby McGuire in one of the spiderman movies where he is walking out of his school while that song raindrops keep falling on my head is playing in the background. JUST ADORABLE!
So now I am running a bit slower but for two reasons, one to get to my car and two, to catch up to him acting like it's a coincidence. Except that I was making so much noise, that at one point he started to look back to see who was coming, so he turned his head halfway, but looked across not behind him. When I start getting closer I start running a bit faster to get his attention, trying to make it seem like I was close all along, and this whole time I am thanking god that I run so I am not like dying and I can actually slow down to talk and not look like I just ran half a block but just a few steps. I finally catch up to him and am like hey! and he's like, HEY! with the cutest grin you can ever imagine! and he smiles and says, where are you running off too??? and I'm like oh I have to meet a friend (a guy) which I obviously don't tell him, and then to myself I think, GREAT! every single time I see you, I am utterly grateful that I don't have to use the term (amigo) in Spanish, because if I did, by now you would probably be like OMG, this woman has a boyfriend or something, meanwhile, it's just that I'm single and a bit of a player so I date, am I hurting anyone or doing anything wrong? NO!
So now I talk to him and I'm like yeah I saw you from back there and he's like really? wow you recognized me? (it was dark out) so now I am thinking to myself OH GREAT! I'm such a looser, he probably thinks I was running to see him, which I was but still! I didn't want him to know that. So I start startling like you know when you are trying to think of something quickly to say and I said something ridiculous like oh yeah cause I was running and then you turned and then since I seen you before from the back I kind of figured it was you....... OH BROTHER! what a LOOOOOSSER! I wanted to crawl under one of the cars that were parked, because I could tell he looked confused and could tell I was a bit nervous! NOBODY EVER! MAKES ME NERVOUS! UGH!
So then to top that off, I am like, so where have you been? which clearly demonstrates that I have been thinking about him and wondering, after making that comment I really really really wanted to crawl under something, I was so obvious! and he was like oh, I was in Costa Rica. So I was like Costa Rica? really? I was just there last October, by myself. When I said that he gave me this weird look and was like, BY YOURSELF? and I was so grateful that we both had to go in different directions at that point, which by the way I had also slowed my pace the minute I saw him, which clearly showed him that I slowed down for him. WOW! WHO AM I? and so the answer to his question was yeah, I do things like that! and then said ok my car is this way, and started running again. He must think I am a complete weirdo! which I sort of am, but I don't want him to know these things, not now at least! gosh! I just acted like a damn fool, teenager in lust or something. CRAZY!
After that day I have not seen him, that was last week. I sort of hope I stop seeing him, I don't think I want to. It's just easier to not get involved with people, especially someone that lives so close for comfort. I am not saying that he likes me back and that he will date me or whatever, but I do like him or not like him that is a strong word, I am attracted to him, and that is very rare, I am hardly EVER attracted to anyone. I am so picky, I sometimes just hang out with a guy, because well, why not? but, that doesn't mean I feel that WOW! and that WOW, is what I always look for and that WOW, is what I feel when I am around him. That is too close for comfort and I am good, thank you very much I don't need problems in my life. At least with the guy that I went on the date with, if I decide to not see him anymore, I can stop and I will probably never bump into him again, but this one, he lives right in my building. I was thinking of maybe asking him out next time I see him, I have never asked a man out in my life, so I was thinking of doing that, just as an experiment and to write about it, but then If I do, that will be awkward, especially if he says no. Naa! I'm good! I am not as bold as some may think I am, my lovely journal, not bold at all! and if he says yes and things don't go well, I will bump into him and feel awkward. I think I will pass this time journal, I think I like my simple kind of life.
Ok, gotta go now. Over and out from my bed with my laptop on my lap..... to you!
ps. here is the song with Toby McGuire that I referenced, THAT WALK WAS JUST TOO DAMN CUTE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNxyvTrQgMA
Happy BDAY to my Best Friend
I want to wish my best friend since HS Jen, a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Since I was a teenager, I have always said, that one day I would write a book. I would always say that to my my best friend Jen, her response was always.... DO IT!
She always gave me advice and stood beside me when I was down and even if we would fight and stop talking to one anther, she was the one that I knew, ALWAYS, had my back! she took me in when I had no place to live and she shared her bed and food with me. I DON'T FORGET FRIEND!
Dear Jen:
I want you to know that even if we don't talk everyday, even if we don't hang out or spend quality time together, you are my best friend that I love always! I don't think that anyone other than you, has really seen me in my worst as you have, you know what I mean.
So, on this your special day, I want to thank you, for believing in me and my abilities! I know when you say your happy for me, you feel that in your heart!
I love you with all of my heart and I wish you have many many many more wonderful amazing years to come. Thank you for being my friend, thank you for being you!
HAPPY BIG DAY BEST FRIEND! I LOVE YOU!
Ps. I love that your just like wine!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVzIGMqRznk
Since I was a teenager, I have always said, that one day I would write a book. I would always say that to my my best friend Jen, her response was always.... DO IT!
She always gave me advice and stood beside me when I was down and even if we would fight and stop talking to one anther, she was the one that I knew, ALWAYS, had my back! she took me in when I had no place to live and she shared her bed and food with me. I DON'T FORGET FRIEND!
Dear Jen:
I want you to know that even if we don't talk everyday, even if we don't hang out or spend quality time together, you are my best friend that I love always! I don't think that anyone other than you, has really seen me in my worst as you have, you know what I mean.
So, on this your special day, I want to thank you, for believing in me and my abilities! I know when you say your happy for me, you feel that in your heart!
I love you with all of my heart and I wish you have many many many more wonderful amazing years to come. Thank you for being my friend, thank you for being you!
HAPPY BIG DAY BEST FRIEND! I LOVE YOU!
Ps. I love that your just like wine!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVzIGMqRznk
Van Morrison - Into The Mystic
Every now and then, there are those that bring music into your life, when it happens to me, I take it and learn from it and be happy that I had it, even if only for a moment in time........
Van Morrison - Into The Mystic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpPSBzGEklE
Van Morrison - Into The Mystic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpPSBzGEklE
Friday, July 20, 2012
Seether - Breakdown
I was on myspace listening to someone's play list and I have no idea how this song just came on, but I heard it liked it and I had to share it... LOVE MUSIC!
Seether - Breakdown
Seether - Breakdown
Monday, July 16, 2012
7/16/12 - Is it just a little crush?? cont.
Dear Journal:
I will start first off by telling you that last night I watched Vampire diaries on Netflix and I realized two things. One, I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the world of television and I need to sort of sit and watch something sometimes and two, I absolutely love vampires. Oh wait there is three things actually, I really hate netflix! I have no idea why I feel like this is something significant enough to write on my journal, but I think it has something to do with the fact that the vampire diaries is a show about, well, the diaries of a vampire and since you are my diary, then I just wanted to put it on here because I think diaries are soooo damn awesome!
Tonight I am going to start class, this short summer semester, I will be taking a class called Exploring Robotics, I KNOW! What in the world am I going to get out of learning about robots??? I have absolutely no idea! But, there are certain classes that I have to take in order to graduate and so this was one of the choices that I had and the only one available, so now I am stuck learning about it. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind learning new things, but quite honestly if I could have avoided this particular class I would have, except that due to my procrastinating, the class I really wanted to take was filled and I was left exploring robotics. I am sure I will have much to report about this class in the near future.
Ok, so remember that guy in my building that I didn’t know, I had a crush on but sort of did but was in denial about it?? YES, THAT ONE! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html Well guess what? after I talked to him that one time on my way to the train and he was totally grilling me on my whole life story, I didn’t see him again for DAYS! I was like what the F! I used to see him daily, then after we talked, I barely see him. The other day however, I was all dressed up on my way to meet up with this guy and as I am walking out of the elevator, there he was! I got so nervous! OH MY GOD! He was standing by the mailboxes getting his mail and had not seen me, so I say, HEY YOU! And he looks my way and lit up like a Christmas tree! It was awesome seeing him get that way, I hope it isn’t my imagination, but he stopped what he was doing, turned to me and started talking to me. Oh my god! he’s so cute! in that moment I wished so bad I could ditch the date and just stay with him talking about whatever.
We talked briefly about our week and how he was going to just relax and do nothing and all I could think of was….. Can I PLEASE!! come to your apartment and do nothing with you???? I’m telling you right now journal, had he said you want to hang out, I would of cancelled everything and hung out with him, he’s so damn adorable! when he asked where I was heading, I totally chocked, because I knew I was about to tell a lie and I hate lying, I am so bad at it, I was like. Oh, I’m going to New Jersey to meet my friend. I have to admit that I love the word “friend” because I wasn’t lying really, I was going to meet a “friend” except it was a male friend, had I been speaking to him in Spanish, I would have had to tell him it was a male friend, because in Spanish, you say amiga or amigo the words that refer to a male, always end with the O therefore, by me saying friend, it’s not gender specific and I was going to meet a friend, but a guy friend, so technically, I wasn't lying, yet I felt extremely guilty.
Then, he was like oh really? where are you guys heading? and I kept thinking Oh my GAWD!!! Please no more questions! I don’t want to keep lying to you (insert sad face here) and I was like, oh (and took a quick minute to think up of a lie) and then was like, well just to eat something, nothing big. I had to lie to him because I couldn’t very well tell him I was on my way to hang out with some guy. UGH! lying sucks so bad, but in these circumstances, I don’t want him to know these things, not yet, I swear I feel like he could totally tell I was fibbing. I bet now he thinks I’m some liar! UGH! I hate that.
Then, he was like oh really? where are you guys heading? and I kept thinking Oh my GAWD!!! Please no more questions! I don’t want to keep lying to you (insert sad face here) and I was like, oh (and took a quick minute to think up of a lie) and then was like, well just to eat something, nothing big. I had to lie to him because I couldn’t very well tell him I was on my way to hang out with some guy. UGH! lying sucks so bad, but in these circumstances, I don’t want him to know these things, not yet, I swear I feel like he could totally tell I was fibbing. I bet now he thinks I’m some liar! UGH! I hate that.
After I said good bye, without wanting to, I left the building with a big smile on my face thinking, OH MY GOD! he is soooo damn adorable! I can’t take it! I haven’t been seeing him though on the train anymore. This sucks so bad! maybe it’s better that way, having some sort of romantic something with someone who lives in the same place you do, can’t be a good idea, although it would be sooooo extremely convenient for me, especially because of my time constraint and the fact that I NEVER have enough free time, to actually devote time to a man. Can you imagine journal??? it would be so awesome! I could see him quickly even just to get a good night kiss or I could put my kids to sleep and sneak over to his apartment! OH MY GAWWWDD! FOCUS JAZZY! You are out of CONTROL! but it’s TRUE! it couldn’t be any more perfect than that! I’m just saying.
Alright, got to go now, to much fantasizing going on in my mind right now and it’s all imagination! GOD I LOVE MY IMAGINATION! so awesome and so much fun. Wish me luck that I bump into him again soon!
CHAO!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Hypnotized, Ani DiFranco
My friend Benjamin sent me this song ones. And I was Hypnotized........Listen to that guitar!
Ani DiFranco - Hypnotized
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe9NTSaYCAM
Ani DiFranco - Hypnotized
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe9NTSaYCAM
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Why 2012?
Dear Journal - Life has been happening and this last year has been rough to say the least, but I'm still alive and I'm still kickin...
