Dear Journal: 10-15-12 - I'm leaving on the next plane!

Dear Journal:

Nothing pleases me more than telling you that I am now sitting on my bed, with my lap top on my lap because I finally got it back from the Geek Squad at Best Buy! OH MY GOODNESS OH MY GOODNESS!!! I LOVE MY MAC! 

I have this whole post in my mind that I want to write, but I am so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open.  So, instead of writing about what I have been thinking to write about for over a week, I am going to tell you something else.  Today I saw my lovely friends that I truly with all of my heart love.  We talked about so many things so quickly that it felt like I didn't spend enough time with them.  

Regardless, I loved seeing them and catching up with them.  They are my girls! my girls that I became great friends with about 7 or 8 years ago.  I left my friends feeling really sad and even cried on my drive home, sometimes although I have lots of other friends and family here, I feel very lonely.  Not like the sort of lonely like I need to go and find myself a man lonely, but like the lonely that I miss my girlfriends lonely.  I do have friends that I have been friends with all of my life, however, with them I haven't spent quite the same amount of time in the last 7 or 8 years like I did with this other group of friends, because with these other ladies I had the pleasure of working with them and while working at the same company doing the same work, we also found each other and became really close, it was almost as if we were meant to be together.  It's really difficult for me to describe it and I hope I am making sense, but these ladies are my GIRLS! I know they have my back, they understand me and they truly love me.

I had a great day, but honestly I wish my ladies wouldn't have left NY.  Ever since they did to three different states, I feel like I have no girlfriends.  I want to move too! except I can't just up and leave, it takes time to plan and I still need to finish school and I don't even know what will be happening tomorrow let alone in a year or two, but talking to them and hearing them tell me how happy they are living away from NY, makes me feel really sad, because I want to be away from here also, except that I have this love hate (as my friend described it to me once) relationship with NY, he could not have said it better! so, part of me says YES! and the other can't seem to make up my mind.  Regardless, I am so EXTREMELY happy that my girls are doing well and if nothing else, at least I have three different states to visit at my leisure and that is always AWESOME! everyone knows how much I love to travel.

Had a very nice weekend ate lots of delicious Dominican food that I have to say, was made with straight up LOVE! because without it, there is NO WAY IN HELL! that food would of tasted that good! some women and men also, are just blessed with the gift of cooking, Jazzy on the other hand??? I need to feel inspired and motivated and I can get down and dirty in the kitchen if need be, but I prefer to watch someone else get down and dirty if I have the option.  Great weekend indeed! 

Oh one last thing, I danced like a rock star on Saturday night while listening to one of my friends spin.  At one point, my friend and I were watching him Dj and we were looking at him thinking... what is he doing??? so I told my friend that it looked like he was feeling the music and then we looked again and we were both like..... OR IS HE FALLING ASLEEP???? it was hilarious! when he came to talk to us he explained to me that he needs to feel it and hear it because there is a lot going on with the beats and stuff when he is about to mix in a new song, all I know is that HE GOT DOWN AND DIRTY on the one and two! and he played some great music! I danced with my friend to all sorts of different genre of music and had a great time.  And as always, my friend will play a song that I will be like, OH MY GOD! I LOVED THAT SONG! so with that said, I will leave you with the song that I loved so much "back in da day" which made me a bit melancholic.  Good weekend all in all!



 Jelly Bean - Mirage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfsC54A-Uj0

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON!

13 years ago today, I had a little boy.  My coach during the delivery was my best friend who after witnessing the birth, proceeded to run into the bathroom to throw up! when she had her own baby a few years later, she told me that she wasn't afraid to give birth, because I had made giving birth look so easy.  That was because I listened to the instructions of my doctor during the delivery and my baby boys birth wasn't anywhere nearly as painful as the other two I had.

Having him has been a blessing.  I think of him as my little angel that balances me out when I need a reality check, he is my baby boy that I keep telling not to grow.  Our relationship is really powerful and very strong, I feel sometimes like I can’t get to him in the way that I want to, meaning that I sometimes feel like he won’t open up to me about things the way his brother does but I never stop asking questions and trying to uncover.  Every now and then however, he gives me a glimpse of the young man he is becoming.

My middle child so handsome, intelligent and loving.  I cannot even imagine my life without him.  When he was about 7 years old he asked me if I could give him a little sister... So I did.  Anything for my middle child! my middle child, my helper whenever I am loosing my mind. 

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART SON! AND TODAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, I WANT TO WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY DAY! YOU ARE A TEENAGER NOW! 

THANK YOU FOR BEING PART OF MY LIFE.  I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST THAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER! MOMMY WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU.  IN MY EYES, FOREVER YOU WILL BE…….. MY LITTLE BABY BOY!

I am so lucky to have my little family!

Gwen Stefani - 4 In The Morning

I have this strange feeling that any day now, I am going to find out he is getting married.  OH MY GOD! I don't want to think of how I will feel that day.  He forgot me.......I wish I could forget him.....

 

Gwen Stefani - 4 In The Morning
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OLUSELxFok

Dear Journal: TIME WILL TELL......

It is my feeling that Time ripens all things; with Time all things are revealed; Time is the father of truth. ~ Francois Rabelais

Dear Journal:

I feel like I am stuck or having a writer’s block, but lately I have had so many thoughts going on in my head about so many random subjects, that I can’t quite think of what best to write about.  I feel like I can sit somewhere and just write all day long.  Maybe I need to have a free writing session, those are fun!

So it’s official! One’s again I have no life! Just when I thought I had this schedule situation down packed, I realized I don’t and that I can’t do it all, I guess I shouldn’t have bought those superman underwear I bought the other day, no use in wearing them if I’m not really superwoman (insert sad smiley icon here) no seriously, I really did buy some superwoman and wonder woman underwear, they are awesome! I love superheroes!

The other day I had a very interesting conversation about TIME with my friend which left me thinking quite a lot about the subject.  He told me that to him, time was very vital for so many things, and how he felt that people always did things quickly without just letting time be, that everyone sort of rushes almost in life, and that he felt that time was really vital.  Well, he didn’t say it exactly that way, but that’s sort of my interpretation of the conversation.  I have to say that TIME IS TRULY OF THE ESSENCE! And that his thoughts on time, truly helped to enlighten me a bit more about it. 

I am trying to learn the discipline of living in the moment and living in the moment requires you to almost be not conscientious of time, so in essence, by living in the moment, we allow time to just be and when you allow time to just be, without forcing things, then things sort of just happen in a natural way.  So basically, what I believe is that living in the moment is like flowing with time or uniting with time, and by flowing with time by being one with it, life happens just as it should.

Let me see if I can think of an example.  Let’s say me with school, so I am always stressing out about reports, homeworks, readings that I have to do and sometimes just stressing out about midterms that are weeks away.  Some TIMES when I don’t think about the time factor and I just really focus (aka allow the moment to happen and be in it) I am one with time and when I become one with time, I am more productive, I think clearer, I have all these AHA! moments.  However, when I don’t allow myself to go with the flow or when I don’t allow TIME to just happen without worrying about all that other stuff, and just focusing on the present moment, I become so preoccupied with worrying, that all the while, I am wasting precious TIME.   If only I could allow myself to be one with time so that I can be more productive, I wouldn't be as stressed.  This happens with all things in our lives.  When I think about this in other types of scenarios, I realize that time is surely of the essence and that the only reason why I ever get stressed about anything at all, is because I am rushing to go I don’t know where? where are we rushing to go?

I am really happy that I can think of time in this way, because there have been times in the last few years where I have caught myself rushing myself, or trying to rush time and all those times that I did that, I realize that those were times that I will never get back and therefore, I lost precious moments.  The worst part, is that I don’t even remember what happened and or how it happened, because I was too busy speeding.

I don’t know, I want to learn how to embrace time so that it is something amazing, so that every single moment of every single hour of every single minute of every single second, it is meaningful.  I know for a fact that, that is easier said than done, but I am training everyday to become a spiritual warrior.  And that requires discipline in all aspects of my life, it is soooo hard! but a warrior always tries to do her best.

SPIRITUAL WARRIOR MEANING:

A spiritual warrior is a person who battles with the "universal enemy," self-ignorance (avidya), the ultimate source of suffering according to dharmic philosophies.  The term is applied in religious and metaphysical writing. There are self-described spiritual warriors.   The spiritual warrior can be described as an archetype character on a journey for self discovery to benefit others.  

By the way journal, while I was writing I became one with time and I just remembered and awesome song! YAY!

Patty Smyth - The Warrior

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xePeVhLg2Gc

Michael Jackson P.Y.T. - Coincidence or law of attraction?

It was 10am on a Saturday morning, I was listening to this song by Michael Jackson (Pretty Young Thing) and thinking of how I wanted to find a song to dedicate to this person and how to do it in such a way that it would be different and fun and creative.  I was laughing imagining myself doing so many things to make him smile.  I was listening to the Michael Jackson song and thinking about him specifically.  All of a sudden at that same exact moment, as all these thoughts were going on in my mind, he sends me a message referencing a song that said almost the same thing the song I was listening too, says.  It was almost as if we were both wanting to tell each other the same message, yet we did not know how to say it.  Fear?

It was pretty crazy freaky stuff, the kind of stuff that I never understand why it happens; and the only explanation I have for it is to say that the law of attraction is real.  We are capable of making our deepest desires and thoughts a reality, should we feel these things in our hearts with sincerity and love, as long as we are loving and kind to others God is there to provide us with the things our hearts truly want.  We have all the tools, yet we don't know how to use them.

That same day everything went to hell and that was the last I have spoken to that individual.  What happened between us was so strange that it left me feeling really down.  I honestly don't even want to write about it because it just doesn't make sense to me still.  I guess the best way to explain it is to maybe say that in life, we are always so afraid of trying things out and we are so busy planning our future, that we are to blind to see what is right in front of us.  Right there close enough to touch.  We always want to worry about who knows how many years later not realizing that the only moment that matters truly, is this one, this one right now.  

I wanted to put this on here, because when I look to my blog for references a few years from now when I start putting my book thoughts together; I want to remember this specific event.  It was in a sense very meaningful and although nothing happened after that day, when we both were thinking almost identical things about each other (based on the songs we were both listening to) even though he gave me a bunch of reasons why he referenced the song that he did, I can't help but to wonder how was it that both songs had the same sort of message, I almost can't believe it.  I strongly believe that sometimes we have deep connections with other individuals without even knowing it.  Maybe the song he referenced (let me love you) didn't make him think of me, I will never really know that, but the coincidence about these two songs having the same meaning behind it, was too strange for me to ignore.  

Sometimes in life things are just meant to happen, they are just meant to be, yet we don't allow things to just happen because we want to take charge of things.  We don't allow our energy and souls purpose to flow as it should.  If only we as humans could just allow things to flow naturally, life would be so much easier.

How can I allow my life to just flow without letting all the other non important things matter? how can I just be one with the universe and God and let my souls purpose be fulfilled without messing with the events?  How can I learn how to accept the moment and live it happily without judgements of myself and others?

I was looking for the right song to dedicate to him, I never found it and I never got to actually dedicate one.  But It was fun trying to find just the right one.  One that would of said just the right feelings, that made just the right sense.  I wanted to say it all with just one song, but there was so much to say that I never got to find just the right one.   

Regardless of the events of that morning and day.  I sincerely HOPE he will find what his heart desires.  I send him all my love and positive energy today and always.........

Pretty Young Thing - Michael Jackson 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDgxnjgVFi4

Let me love you - NeYo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crrOl0egI00 

Dear Journal: The end of a marriage

“It must be difficult to let go of something so beautiful” ~ Barney ~ Pretty Woman Movie

Dear Journal:

I have not been feeling myself lately and I really hate when that happens.  I have so much to look forward to this month, yet I wish that I could just go somewhere and sleep.  The tiredness of all that I do is starting to set into my body.  And although I know it’s time for me to rest I’m not quite sure when that's actually going to happen.  I feel like I’m starting to crash, this happens to me every few months. All of a sudden, it’s like my body is telling me something and then bam! I am exhausted and can’t get out of my bed one day.  I hate that! I feel like it’s such a waste of a day, but I know that I have to do it soon. 

I was thinking that this semester as long as I kept a schedule, I would be able to sneak in some social life in there, but the honest truth is that I don’t believe I will be able to do it.  I feel so tired! I hate to complain, complaining in my opinion is such a huge waste of time and energy, so whenever someone says, hey how are you? and I hear the words I’m tired coming out of my mouth, I automatically cringe.  I don’t want to be that woman that’s always complaining about stuff.  But I have to admit that I am really starting to feel tired and my tired feeling is mostly because I am thinking too much lately.  I already have midterms coming up, I have papers due and I can barely concentrate, it’s really driving me nuts! I really feel that this is all due to the fact that I have been at it for so many years, that I am just getting tired of all this work.  The problem with me is that when I don’t have anything to do, I feel bored, I feel like life is passing me by and there is something that needs to be done! Goodness who will ever understand me? I feel like I can’t ever just chill!

Life is pretty good, I was invited to go away this weekend to Pennsylvania and spend the weekend in the mountains; I want to so bad, but the thing is that if I go my daughter demands all of my time and therefore, I won’t be able to do a thing (school work wise) and I really need to start writing this paper and preparing for my tests.  God only knows how badly I wish I could go there and sleep, there is this beautiful lake there and I would just love to sit near it and read one of my books, it’s just so peaceful!

Journal, the other day I signed my divorce papers.  I always thought that the day I would sign them, I would feel really happy and relieved, instead I felt really sad and after signing them, I began to cry.  My husband or soon to be ex husband who was the one who brought them over to my apartment for me to sign the second piece of the divorce paper work (I had already signed some back in my country, but we still needed another set so this was his set and we were actually in front of the paperwork together) looked at me and said… Why are you crying? and I couldn’t talk, in that moment he came to me and he hugged me and then we kissed and we both knew right there and then, that this was really it, that we had both failed, and as we were kissing, my daughter walked into the room and caught us and said to us with a smile, what are you two doing?  Looking at her watching us with a smile made me feel even worse! My little girl never had the opportunity of having both her parents together because he and I were separated when I was pregnant.  Seeing her made me feel even more horrible! because I knew that, that kiss was a farewell kiss, it was also an I’m deeply sorry kiss.  However, one thing that that kiss wasn’t, was an I love you kiss.   

I could never live in a lie, I could never be with someone just to make others happy (not even my children) because it wouldn’t be fair to them for me to be in a relationship with someone I no longer love.  To be in a relationship because it would probably be more convenient for my life yet be in it and all the while be miserable and unhappy as I used to be.  If I am unhappy, how could I make my children happy? If their dad isn’t happy, because my misery causes me to be bitter and hate him almost, then how could we be good parents?  I know that I made the right choices and that kiss was a goodbye to the past and hello to my future, it was deeply emotional.   

Yes, maybe I failed; I failed at being a wife at being a mother of having the family I so badly wanted, but did I really? Regardless, after that kiss when the moment passed and he began to walk away and act himself by saying something stupid like… OH I FEEL BAD FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU STILL LOVE ME.  I realized that, that moment was probably one of the best moments in my life also, finally I will be free! TRULY FREE! and I have no regrets!

Maybe one day he will realize that he let go of something really beautiful (and I don’t mean looks) maybe he will realize what he was to blind and or too young to understand.  He spent most of our marriage judging me based on my past, dwelling on it to the point that it never allowed us to move forward.  I loved that man with all of my heart at one point.  When I love someone, I give them my all.  I had two of his beautiful children and always did everything I could to make my man happy.  Maybe my all was just not good enough.

I blame myself for it all though sort of, I should of let him go the moment I knew that I wasn’t the woman he wanted.  Instead, I kept trying and trying, desperate to get him to love me, because he was the man I wanted.  It never works if you have to fight for it, love is supposed to flow, it’s supposed to be a two way street.  I gave, gave and gave some more.  I wish I would of known then that it's supposed to be Give and Receive… I guess YOU LIVE AND YOU LEARN…….

I am happy, life is beautiful!