“It must be difficult to let go of
something so beautiful” ~ Barney ~ Pretty Woman Movie
Dear Journal:
I have not been feeling myself lately
and I really hate when that happens. I
have so much to look forward to this month, yet I wish that I could just go
somewhere and sleep. The tiredness of
all that I do is starting to set into my body.
And although I know it’s time for me to rest I’m not quite sure when that's actually going to happen. I feel like I’m
starting to crash, this happens to me every few months. All of a sudden, it’s
like my body is telling me something and then bam! I am exhausted and can’t get
out of my bed one day. I hate that! I
feel like it’s such a waste of a day, but I know that I have to do it
soon.
I was thinking that this semester as
long as I kept a schedule, I would be able to sneak in some social life in
there, but the honest truth is that I don’t believe I will be able to do
it. I feel so tired! I hate to complain,
complaining in my opinion is such a huge waste of time and energy, so whenever
someone says, hey how are you? and I hear the words I’m tired coming out of my
mouth, I automatically cringe. I don’t
want to be that woman that’s always complaining about stuff. But I have to admit that I am really starting
to feel tired and my tired feeling is mostly because I am thinking too much
lately. I already have midterms coming
up, I have papers due and I can barely concentrate, it’s really driving me
nuts! I really feel that this is all due to the fact that I have been at it for
so many years, that I am just getting tired of all this work. The problem with me is that when I don’t have
anything to do, I feel bored, I feel like life is passing me by and there is something that needs to be done! Goodness who will ever understand me? I feel like
I can’t ever just chill!
Life is pretty good, I was invited to go
away this weekend to Pennsylvania and spend the weekend in the mountains; I
want to so bad, but the thing is that if I go my daughter demands all of my
time and therefore, I won’t be able to do a thing (school work wise) and I
really need to start writing this paper and preparing for my tests. God only knows how badly I wish I could go
there and sleep, there is this beautiful lake there and I would just love to
sit near it and read one of my books, it’s just so peaceful!
Journal, the other day I signed my
divorce papers. I always thought that
the day I would sign them, I would feel really happy and relieved, instead I
felt really sad and after signing them, I began to cry. My husband or soon to be ex husband who was the one who brought them over to my apartment for me to sign the second piece of the divorce paper work (I had already signed some back in my country, but we still needed another set so this was his set and we were actually in front of the paperwork together) looked at
me and said… Why are you crying? and I couldn’t talk, in that moment he came to
me and he hugged me and then we kissed and we both knew right there and then, that
this was really it, that we had both failed, and as we were kissing, my
daughter walked into the room and caught us and said to us with a
smile, what are you two doing? Looking
at her watching us with a smile made me feel even worse! My little girl never
had the opportunity of having both her parents together because he and I were
separated when I was pregnant. Seeing her made me feel even more
horrible! because I knew that, that kiss was a farewell kiss, it was also an I’m
deeply sorry kiss. However, one thing that that
kiss wasn’t, was an I love you kiss.
I could never live in a lie, I could never be with someone just to make
others happy (not even my children) because it wouldn’t be fair to them for me
to be in a relationship with someone I no longer love. To be in a relationship because it would probably
be more convenient for my life yet be in it and all the while be miserable and
unhappy as I used to be. If I am
unhappy, how could I make my children happy? If their dad isn’t happy, because
my misery causes me to be bitter and hate him almost, then how could we be good
parents? I know that I made the right
choices and that kiss was a goodbye to the past and hello to my future, it was
deeply emotional.
Yes, maybe I failed; I
failed at being a wife at being a mother of having the family I so badly wanted,
but did I really? Regardless, after that kiss when the moment passed and he began
to walk away and act himself by saying something stupid like… OH I FEEL BAD FOR
YOU, BECAUSE YOU STILL LOVE ME. I realized
that, that moment was probably one of the best moments in my life also, finally
I will be free! TRULY FREE! and I have no regrets!
Maybe one day he will realize that he
let go of something really beautiful (and I don’t mean looks) maybe he will
realize what he was to blind and or too young to understand. He spent most of our marriage judging me
based on my past, dwelling on it to the point that it never allowed us to move
forward. I loved that man with all of my
heart at one point. When I love someone, I give them my all. I had two of his beautiful children and always did everything I could to make my man happy. Maybe my all was just not good enough.
I blame myself for it
all though sort of, I should of let him go the moment I knew that I wasn’t the
woman he wanted. Instead, I kept trying
and trying, desperate to get him to love me, because he was the man I wanted.
It never works if you have to fight for it, love is supposed to flow, it’s
supposed to be a two way street. I gave, gave and gave some more. I wish I would of known then that it's supposed to be Give
and Receive… I guess YOU LIVE AND YOU LEARN…….
I am happy, life is beautiful!
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