Forces of Nature!

 Dear journal -

The story I am about to tell you is simply to damn good to wait any longer to share! This story, might just be my next love story! fingers crossed! OR it can be my next tragedy! either way, stay tuned as this major event develops! Just kidding journal it's not really a major event, but it's super weird and not.

I believe in the law of attraction, "the secret" I have lived and seen things that I have wanted manifest in my reality.  I don't usually write about this stuff, because it is very intense and many people don't believe in it and sometimes it can sound pretty crazy.  I don't want to go into too many details about it, but I do want to say, that I am a Libra born in October, I read once or someone told me can't remember, that people born in the month of October, have the witch gene, many people don't believe in witches and goblins, but I believe in very many things.  I definitely believe in angels and I definitely believe in supernatural things and I believe in good and evil.  Whenever I wish for something now, I am very careful of how I ask for it, because I know that depending on how I'm thinking about something, things might come to me twisted, and so because of that, I try not to wish to often, as the universe and God know my heart and know my wishes and therefore, I try to live my life as best I can to keep a good balance.  I am a libra after all!

For sometime now, I always say stuff like, I wish I met someone in person that I actually will like.  By that I mean, I want to feel the "magic" that I felt, once upon a time when I met a man by the name of Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name) if you read my first journal entry, you can read all about him.  In brief, when we first laid eyes on each other, we both thought to ourselves... OMG! who is that! when we said hello to each other we were both very nervous, to me, that is the "magic" I talk about.  I know he felt that way, because later on he told me, so I'm not making this stuff up! or did I make up that whole story? I don't even know anymore.  

On Saturday I had invited some friends over for what I called my "hot dog pool party" we sat by the pool and had beers and hot dogs! that day I had a long talk with one of my good girlfriends and I cried to her, telling her that I was still mourning the loss of my ex and that I felt stupid, because in two months it will be a year that we broke up and I should be over it by now, long story short, we had a long talk and after wards, I felt SO MUCH BETTER! after my hot dog pool party, we decided to go out to watch a live band and since I was feeling fabulous! I decided I wanted to get pretty, so I did my hair, wore some make up and threw on the dress that I wore, the last time my ex and I were a couple.  It looked so much better on me and I felt GREAT!

We went to watch a live band and after that was over, we went to another bar which coincidentally, had a live band as well.  So, by this time I had had 1 mixed drink a shot and was having a beer, I wasn't drunk but I was definitely starting to feel tipsy.  At one point I was walking toward the front and the place wasn't packed so there was enough space between everyone, but I'm walking and I notice this man standing there watching the band and he was bald, I've always had a thing for bald men, while most feel very insecure about it, I've always found it attractive, even when I was younger, I liked when I dated someone and they got "baldies" it was a thing in the 90's and like I said, I always find it attractive.  I also love long hair! just saying! anyway, I go up to him and I make a comment about his bald head, but it was a complementary comment that I for the life of me can't remember.  He looks at me and makes a comment back we giggle and have a short conversation about his bald head.  He wasn't really paying me much mind and I didn't really care, because I wasn't like flirting but maybe I was a little and I also didn't have any intention with him I was simply stating my feelings about bald men.  All I remember is that my last comment was something like..... I think bald men are sexy, look at Xavier from X-Men! he's the bomb! he giggled again and I walked away and never thought of this man again!

This morning, I get a text message from one of my friends that I was with, that had not seen my interaction with Xavier, let's call him that for now.  She tells me she was talking to a man she met on a dating site and tells me he told her he was at the same bar we were at on Saturday and how he met a woman and this woman had said something to him that made him feel so good, it had made him decide to get back on a dating site, he also told her that he was bummed because he didn't get this woman's number as he no longer knew how to talk to women in person.  When she tells me this I'm still not putting two and two together, so I'm like, OH that's cool! she sends me his picture and it was HIM! Xavier! I was like wtf! dude the woman he's talking about was me! so now she's like get the heck out of here I'm telling him I know you, he told me how he was bummed that he didn't get your number bla bla bla! so now I'm like, are you sure? I literally don't care, you know I'm not really looking for anything crazy right now, I was just stating facts to the man you can talk to him that's all you girl! she then insists (as she is my wing woman) and I'm like ok fine! she messages me a few minutes later and tells me he asked her to give me his number! holy shit!

Ok, so first, I was recently sort of kind of talking to someone who I liked and things went sour and he stopped talking to me and it felt pretty crummy! I'm also in a weird place that while I'm open to meeting someone and sure, if I'm blown away maybe I can see myself in something more serious but I honestly feel that I am not in a place to like, give too much of myself.  I don't want to lead anyone on and this last person that I was kind of sort of hanging out with, I even told him one time that I would feel bad, being in a relationship right now as I would feel like I was cheating because I would likely be with this new person thinking about my ex, sort of like a rebound and that since I did that in the past, and it usually felt shitty, I don't think it would be fair to do that to anyone, I need to feel like I have healed before I can give myself to someone new.  Apparently any time I talked to this individual that I'm referring to in this paragraph, he wasn't paying attention to a word I said, because I think, he may have thought that I was falling madly in love with him and he got scared and decided that instead of telling me what was happening, like we said we would do because we had talked about honesty.  He instead stopped talking to me, as I am no one and he needs not to give me any sort of explanation! I was just some person who crossed his path apparently! oh well! not gonna lie, it hurt I felt shitty but this is exactly why, I have to go out with this new person who I did text and we talked and he said I had made him feel really great and that he would love to take me out because he wanted to feel good again!

Well, Jazzy likes making people feel good! I also am going to force myself to do these types of things because in the past I've gotten very very stuck on stupid! in addition, I have been reading through this journal and have read through some really sad moments that I went through after my last major break up, because my approach back then was to shut down, build my wall and become a total crazy bitch! I will not let that happen to me ever again! love is an amazing thing, and I'm not saying I'll go out with Xavier and fall in love, I'm just saying that I will not let other people's actions change me! I will also not dwell on things like I often do, nor will I stay stuck on stupid! if someone clearly wants nothing more to do with me, then I have to be ok with that and keep it moving! FORCE myself to keep trying! 

I think this story is quite cool to be honest! I was telling my son about it and he was like MOM, that's so crazy! it's such a small world what were the odds that your friend would end up talking to him, etc. etc.  I am just feeling great because I made someone feel really good! I made someone want to go back out there and get em! so even if this encounter ends in a new friendship, I'm ok with that! I also already made another good friend who I've now introduced to my other friends and was also invited to my "hot dog pool party" and I met him on tinder we had a beer then went on a hike and I didn't think he was interested in me, then it turned out he was, but I made it clear I only saw him as a friend as during that time I was sort of kind of seeing someone else who I liked and well, I just didn't feel it.  I have a new friend who is awesome from NY and he brought around another friend and I'm just surrounding myself with some cool ass people! so again, no expectations no disappointments! and while I'm not here like OMG! I can't wait to see Xavier, I'm also not like, ba hum bug!

Tonight I will leave you with...... The song that one day, I will for sure dedicate to someone special, because I know, that one day I will heal and I will be ready to accept love into my life again.  Why not? love is so amazing! we need to love more, love love all people in different ways!

Lauren Hill - Can't take my eyes off of you