Suicidal thoughts

 Dear Journal -

This was a very interesting week to say the least, but I made it through it and here I am, doing what I said I would be consistent doing.  I'm struggling so bad! I want to get off all these dating sites that I am on, I mean I'm not on very many only 3 well actually 2 I got off of one of them because it's just so much work.  It takes everything in me to talk to people and to try and be nice or at the very least pleasant, I have absolutely no desire to meet anyone, get to know anyone and quite honestly even sleep with anyone, to be honest, when the thought of sex crosses my mind it almost grosses me out, I don't want anyone touching me, so when someone on a dating site messages me and says even a nice comment like you look beautiful or great or whatever, it makes me angry almost.  I had some pictures up on the sites I'm on of me in a sports bra and work out pants and I decided to take them down because that is not the attention I want, yet at the same time that's exactly what gets me likes on my FB page and that page is where I post you my sweet journal and I have so many plans in my head for you! So I feel torn and maybe I just need to take a break from it all.  The worst part is that I'm not even premenstrual so it's not because of that and it's not because I'm premenopausal as I got tested and they told me I wasn't, so I don't know what's going on, I just feel like I'm in this really bad place mentally.  

The other day I had a really scary thought and it made me feel like I need to find a new therapist, the last one I had was over a year ago and she helped me work through some stuff, talking to her made me realize how valid my trust issues are, and how it's a real thing and you can work through it and change the behaviors and learn how to work through those feelings, I love therapy, I think everyone should have a therapist.  I briefly considered becoming a therapist but after being a domestic violence advocate, I realized that it wasn't something I could handle and while there are very different types of therapist, I just don't have it in me to do that work, although I sort of do it as a social worker and get paid less I guess, but I just don't want to invest the time it will take me to study and do the hours and it's just a lot! Therapist are amazing, I have a few therapist friends and they are amazing humans!

So my thought, was really scary because I was driving and kept feeling like I wanted to drive really fast and throw my car over the cliff.  I know that this is a suicidal thought and I'm not feeling like I want to take my own life, but I just had this feeling like I wanted to do it and I had to talk myself out of feeling that way, it was a bit scary and it reminded me of when I would feel that way back in NYC  when I would be on train platforms and I would imagine myself throwing myself in front of a running train.  I used to have to make myself move back and stand against the wall because I can be very impulsive and I was afraid one day I would do it, just jump.  I am not sure where these thoughts are coming from, but they are definitely scary and I love life and I don't want to die, but it's scary that I would even entertain for a second these weird thoughts.  I'm not afraid of death, I know I will one day but I want it to be because it's supposed to be, not because I did such a thing.  As a teenager I contemplated suicide so many times, as an adult, not really.

I am thinking of taking a break from dating sites and just figuring out other ways to get followers, I'm sure there are ways, but again it just takes so much work and so much effort, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore and I'm so tired of talking to people that I have no desire of talking to, it's so draining and it feels like everyone wants a little piece of me and I don't want to give anyone anything!  

The other day I was on my walk and I saw this man running past me up this steep hill and I felt so sad, and so jealous! I wanted to be running also, I miss it so much and sometimes I run a tiny bit, but I get so scared that I will hurt myself again and then I won't be able to walk or run, so I try and take it easy.  My friend keeps telling me to go with him to kick boxing, I'm scared to and I have no idea why! coincidentally, this friend I met on Tinder a few months ago, he's from NYC also and he's pretty awesome! He is very driven and does all this cool stuff, like go to gun ranges! I hung out with him and told him I want to learn how to shoot guns, so him and a few other friends of mine are going to go to a gun range and shoot guns, it's time I stop being afraid of them and learn how to use them! the way this world is going, I swear it feel like the zombie apocalypse is coming and I'll be one of the first ones to go because I don't know how to defend myself! it's insane!

Well, I don't really have anything else productive or interesting to share with you tonight journal, I'm just so down, life feels sort of weird right now, I'm in this weird happy/unhappy place! I hope I snap out of it soon as this is not like me, I don't like it!

Also, if you are ever contemplating with hurting yourself, please don't! there is always someone that will be devastated by this act! please seek help immediately! 1-800-273-8255

or click here for help! https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I'll leave you with - Passionfruit - By: Drake 

Love these beats!