Dear Journal -
The term cognitive dissonance, is a term used in psychology to describe how humans handle contradicting thoughts. Basically, how we all have contradicting thoughts and how we manage them. Our brains are magnificent! we have about 50,000 - 70,000 thoughts per day! that's insane! Whenever I'm stuck on a problem, this term usually comes to my mind and I always think about my first psychology professor whom I LOVED! I even wrote about him on my blog once and sent him the link, and he thought it was really cool what I had written, I think that's why he gave me an A! hehe, just kidding journal, Jazzy worked really hard for her A's and B's and even sometimes C's (insert sad smiley here!).
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my last relationship, it's so dumb how I just go around and around in circles thinking about stuff that has already past, I often though, catch myself and manage to change my thought process, but it is something that is really hard to do and takes a lot of dedication and thought process, that of living in the moment and acknowledging that what happened yesterday I cannot change, BUT, sometimes I like to think about these things because I want to know, how I can grow from those experiences and make sure that they don't repeat themselves in my life. So the other night I was thinking about when I was with my ex and he cheated on me, the pain I felt, was like nothing I had ever experienced before in any other relationship I had ever been in. I had been cheated on numerous times in different relationships, but I had always found out about people's infidelity, after we were broken up.
I won't get into all the details of how I found out, because it is a whole other entry but what I will say, is that when he finally admitted to me, I literally thought I was going to like faint or something, I couldn't breath and it was definitely a shock to my system, and then for almost a year, all I did was imagine the man that I loved, having sex with another woman, it was literally a living hell. I then forgave him and took him back, but then, I could not live with the thought that he had done such a crummy thing to me. However, throughout this time, I kept trying to figure out why he had done what he did, I needed and answer and I had many contradicting thoughts, to the point that I ended up making myself believe that it was my fault that he had cheated on me, because I drove him to do so! THAT'S INSANE! I think that when someone betrays you, and goes behind your back, and sneaks around and schemes and lies and does all the grime stuff that has to be done to accomplish infidelity, the person who is cheated on, feels that they must have done something wrong, because why else would someone go to those lengths! I am clearly the reason! we have these conflicts inside of us that we feel we need to make sense of and that's when cognitive dissonance is in full mode.
I am not proud, of what I am about to tell you next journal, it is definitely not one of my proudest moments and I legitimately feel, that the icing on my breakup cake was what I'm about to reveal. After I took my ex boyfriend back, I couldn't live with the fact that he had been sneaky and somehow I convinced myself (cognitive dissonance) that I needed to do to him what he had done to me. When I think of this now, I keep thinking that the kindest thing I could have done for the both of us, would have been to have let him go and not given him a second chance, because that chance was not genuine, but I could not imagine my life without him back then, I was so madly in love with him and I felt that it had been my fault. When he came back, he showered me with gifts and was just the loveliest man he could be and journal, when he wanted to be lovely, he definitely could be. He bought me diamond earrings and we made love every single night for a month, we made LOVE! everything was euphoric! the intensity of what we were both feeling was like nothing I had ever experienced before.
After that first month, we both began to settle into our respective roles within our relationship and the torment in my mind began again, the image of him having sex with this woman that I had met in the past, would not leave me. So here is where I failed journal, I failed when I decided that I had to get revenge, that I was going to do to him what he had done to me and so I did, I cheated back and I kept that secret inside for two years. It wasn't until I was telling someone this story not to long ago, that I realized what a hypocrite I have been. I was telling the story to this person and I said, my ex cheated on me and then I cheated back, but to my defense, he cheated first! as the words "to my defense" were coming out of my mouth, it dawned on me that I had not been any better than my ex. That I shouldn't have cheated and even worse, kept that secret for so long. Whenever he would do something that made me really angry or that truly hurt me, I would always think.... Fuck you! that's why you got played! and some how that made me feel better, except it never really did. At the end of our relationship I told him what I had done and I feel that, that is the reason why we are no longer together or at least, that was the last straw.
Journal, I met someone that told me that he had been cheated on by his ex girlfriend and mother of his children and after he told me that, he almost justified why she had done it. He told me that they had grown apart. He was justifying her actions almost as if her cheating was his fault. If two people grow apart then they break up or at least, that would be the right thing to do. But if you fall apart and start cheating on each other or one person cheats on the other, it doesn't fix the problem, it just makes it worse. This person then told me that after a long time of them going through stuff and coming to terms with maybe what had happened in their relationship, she is now his best friend. I could not comprehend, how you can be best friends with the person who betrayed your trust, your love and everything you shared together. The only thing that makes sense to me about that scenario, is that, he is such a kind and caring human being, that he just forgave her and because they shared a bond for so long, it is difficult for him, to pull away completely. Maybe, he just still loves her and doesn't know what to do about all those feelings. I don't know why he feels the way he does and I never really asked him as I felt it was non of my business, but in thinking about what I had been through when I found out about my ex, I could only imagine what he felt and it made me sad, because I know that hurt all to well. I also could relate to him justifying what she had done. I think in a way, it makes you feel better to tell yourself that some way some how, you had some fault in what happened.
However, we are all adults and we do things because we want to, I cheated, because I wanted to, not because I got cheated on first, my actions were wrong and I hope that my ex found it in his heart to forgive me. I finally forgave him, I can finally go to the reservoir by my apt. where he told me he met up with her and hung out with her and spent time with her before sleeping with her. For a long time, I could not even drive up there, now it is not something that ever crosses my mind again, I finally overcame that betrayal. Finally!
It's getting late journal, till next time I will leave you with.........
Whiskey Glasses - Morgan Wallace
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