My world is blue :(

 Dear journal -

I'm trying really hard to stay committed to you, I often think about the things that I want to write and or what I want to say, but the other times I feel like completely giving up and just letting go of this dream that I've had for so long! You are my 4th child, my little piece of me. I have been reading through my story lately and It feels like I'm going backwards instead of forward, like time is changing and instead of growing, I'm stuck in a loop! I'm still me, the same person I was 10 years ago when I first started writing on this the world wide web.  Sure, some things have changed like I now have a Bachelor's degree and when I first started writing this journal I was attending college.  I have a whole other career that I am in, I live in a different state and actually have lived in two different states in these last 10 years since I started this journal.  But me, fundamentally, when I read through old stuff, I'm me, same person with more heartbreak to add to this journal.

I have been self analyzing myself lately, trying to break old patterns and just working through my stuff and I have noticed something that maybe I am wrong about, but it is definitely a theory to think through.  After my last major break up (my divorce) when I first started this blog, I met someone that changed my life forever yada yada..... Benjamin (not his real name) and while I do believe what I felt for him was real and legitimate, I also think I used that to shelter myself for many years after, so that I wouldn't fall in love again with anyone else because the reality was that it was too scary and it was to painful to go through that stuff again in my lifetime.  I went in search for closure from that when I attended the school of practical philosophy in NYC because I knew that he would be attending also, and so I attended and after not seeing him for a few years, we finally met again and were face to face and while there were a few times that I ran out of the school and cried in central park because seeing him was really hard, I did it, I broke from that crazy story and I really believe that he was doing the same thing, after that, he met his now wife.

Then, years went by and sure, I had people that were pretty significant but I did not fall in love again until 5 years ago when I met my current ex and was in an actual relationship again.  This person literally broke down all my walls, I didn't think that I could ever love the way I loved him, ever again.  

This past weekend, I was in Oregon, it was a last minute trip that I mainly made because my daughter asked me to.  I had promised her a summer trip and we had not done anything, so I had asked her if she wanted me to take her to Disney World and she told me she would rather go to Oregon.  I wasn't very happy about going, but the thought of seeing my friends made me happy, so I told myself I would go and it would be great! Now, don't get me wrong journal, seeing my friends is always great! I got to go out to a gay club with one of my gay friends and I LOVE gay clubs/bars anywhere I can go and not get hit on and just have a great time in a great atmosphere (side note, I was a great wing woman and my gay friend got a number that night! woot woot).  Any who, I also got to go to the beach, have some great food and meet new babies! all in all it was great, until I had the great idea of messaging my ex.

I will be very honest with you journal, he and I have not spoken in over 3 months and while I have not really missed him, I often think and cry about us, or what we had or used to be or whatever! I do think about him almost daily but things are not as bad as they were say last year around this time when I thought death was coming for me! So all this to say that I thought I could message him and deep down inside I thought, maybe he and I can see each other and finally say I'm sorry in person or maybe just finally make peace with everything that happened. My excuse for reaching out was that he has something that belongs to me.  He and I only communicate via emails as he changed his number and I don't like to message him on messenger and also there was a time that FB literally wouldn't let us become friends (that's a true story and another blog post) but yea, at some point in our relationship we weren't allowed to communicate via messenger and he and I would joke that FB was trying to keep us apart!

I emailed him the last night before leaving, not knowing if he would even respond.  I let him know that I was in town and that I would like for him to give me what he had that belonged to me.  I did not hear back from him until the next day, and what I read, broke my heart all over again.  Ever since that day which was on Sunday, today it's Tuesday, I've done nothing but cry.  The thought that this man hates me so very much, breaks my heart into pieces time and time again.  Actually as I'm sitting here writing this post, tears are rolling down my cheek, because it's that painful! he wished I would die like 4x actually the last message I got from him which was this morning, said he wished I would die in a hole.  Words so sharp like a knife that hit my heart and broke it again.  I can be really really harsh and brutal with my words, sometimes I say things that are mean and I might not even mean for them to come off mean, but they can be, but I tried my hardest not to be mean and I didn't curse at him or wrote anything to like continue to fight with him, because I could tell by his response that he is in a dark place and that he hates me and that he's still hurting and that there is nothing that I can do to change that.  What hurt me was not the fact that he wants me dead or yes that does hurt me actually, but what really hurts me is that he is still fighting his demons, that he is still in a dark place and that there is nothing that I can do for him.  My heart is so broken, I feel so sad to know that this person that I love is hurting, he is still in it and I am too, but not as bad, I have definitely done some healing and I just wanted to get this closure that definitely doesn't look like it will come anytime soon.

Journal, I don't want to meet anyone new, I don't want to date, I don't want to have anything to do with the opposite sex right now.  I wanted so bad to get off of dating sites, I'm on 3 different ones, but my dream, you is what has kept me on them! I need to keep you alive because I let this dream go once before and I don't want to do the same thing again.  Remember Xavier? I decided I don't want to go out with him and I have not heard back from him but I hope that I don't, as I don't want to turn anyone down, or make anyone feel bad so I think it's best I stay with me for a while as much as I say I want to get out there, there is absolutely no way I can give anything to anyone at this moment, I am truly a hot mess! but, I will stay true to you my sweet journal, because when I'm here putting these thoughts down, writing this entry, it feels like me! I've been journaling since I can remember! I had countless books that an old boyfriend read through and got so mad he through them down an incinerator, I was 16 at the time.

I like that you are on the www and that I guess the only one that can kill you would be google, sometimes I think of printing you out, just to make sure that if all hell breaks loose, I still have you.  There are also those that may want to come on here and read about my stories or I don't know, know something about me.  Regardless, someone who I have been thinking about a lot lately, told me one night while we were hanging out, that I should just keep on writing, when I told him I didn't want people knowing everything he said, don't write it and post it, just write it! He told me how he wrote music and that was his outlet.  I miss that guy, I don't even know what happened we just don't talk anymore.  It's always the ones I feel connected to that go away and I never really understand why.  Maybe he met the woman of his dreams! I wish that for him!

I'm getting off topic, but I guess I wanted to write tonight to release some of this pain onto these pages because it's been more than I can bare.  I'm hurting journal, so so much!

I will leave you with......... love is blue or maybe it's called Blue blue my world is blue.  I'm not sure, I don't know who the original song was written by, but I know this song since I was around 12 years old, I used to sing in the glee club and we had to learn this song.  It's so beautiful!

This is the version I found on youtube.....