Cruel Summer.....

Dear Journal -


I know that I don't write you nearly as much as I should, especially because I have so much time on my hands lately and it feels awesome! I have been doing a lot of hiking, I really love my new environment and hope to continue to discover it.  All those who surround me make me feel special and really happy.  I have been talking to someone lately that I am very attracted to, he is pretty cool but I am taking things really slow and with caution, I do like the attention though, it feels nice.  I met him about a month ago but we didn't really start talking the way we have been about a week ago I guess, although it feels longer even though we do know each other longer.  Nothing has really happened between us but we both have expressed mutual interest and we talk, he's really really handsome, I'm in lust!

Other than that, today I got a call from my friend Nacho, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/love-sex-drugs.html he and I have not been able to talk for over a year.  He called me and told me that I had forgotten all about him, but I really haven't.  Yes I don't think about him on a daily basis like I once did, but ever so often I will call his mom and find out how he is doing.  When we spoke I got a little chocked up, I know for sure that if there is one man in this world that loves me unconditionally and would probably do anything for me if he could, it would probably be him.  I was really happy to hear his voice.

I am really sleepy right now journal, but I had to go on these pages of you my sweet journal and share with you that life is pretty awesome right now! by the way, the other day I was in Denver, CO which is about a 45 minute drive from where I live, and for some reason I thought about Benjamin Nunez, the one person I have written most about since I started this journal.  Anyway, I had the urge to call him and to my surprise, his number was disconnected.  When I hung up, I was in tears for a few minutes, I felt so sad that the one thing that kept me connected to him in some way, was the fact that I still had his personal phone number, and now I no longer have it.  No we haven't spoken for about three years now, but I always thought that one day we would talk again, and yes I still can send him a message on a social network site (which he probably won't respond) but it isn't the same thing, I had his personal phone number and now I have nothing, no link to the one man I have probably loved most in my whole life.  It was a sad moment, but I cried I took a deep breath, I experienced that feeling and then I let it go and went on my way doing what I do now, enjoying happiness.

Journal, I have to leave you with this song, because I heard it the other day and I truly love it...it reminds me of a girl that I once knew..... ME.... I probably already have it posted on this blog, but I don't care, I'll post it again.

Cruel Summer 

By: Bananarama

Set You Free

Poem: Set You Free
By: Jazzy
Written: 6-4-2014


I love you, so I will set you free, but I want you to know, that you will always have a little piece of me.  

I'll miss you, when the sun sets over the mountains, and wish you, that all around you there is calmness.  

To love you, was all I ever wanted, but I will set you free, for you will never have to hear from me.  

I'll let you go now, but know that of my heart, you'll always have a hold.  Farewell my darling, may your days be filled with love and your nights be filled with gladness...


Picture - Sunset...by Jazzy
Taken with Iphone on my hike of June 4th 2014 Horsetooth Reservoir, CO

IT'S TOO LATE.........

Dear Journal -

Life feels good, I am pretty happy with it lately.  I have gained like 15 pounds I think and I'm a little down about that because I feel so heavy in my skin, but I know that if I work really hard I can loose it.  I can't really run anymore because my achilles tendon hurts every time I try, and I have been working so much I'm always tired, but life all in all is really good!

I miss my friend AJ very much, but I know that I must move on from him even though it hurts me.  Other than that, I don't have much more to tell you.  I feel sad that I don't write to you as much as I once did, but my priorities have changed and writing isn't one of them, I do write for my new job though, and that makes me happy! I promise at some point I will try to write more often......

I'm tired.  Good night Journal.

I leave you with:

Carol King
It's too late....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gntZrO59dE8

Dear Journal....... May 20, 2014

Last night I watched the season finally of the Vampire Diaries (which I love) and at the end of the episode I cried like a baby! at first I was crying because the way the main character was crying for the man she loved felt so real, that I was deeply touched.  Soon after though, the more I cried, the more I realized I wasn't crying over the episode anymore, all of a sudden my tears had turned into tears of sadness for my own reasons.  At first I began to think about AJ and how much I miss talking to him, I miss my friend! I hate that we always fight for the stupidest things that make no sense, yet make so much sense at the same time.  Clearly the feelings we share for one another are very deep, yet he made a decision about me which was not to allow me in his life in a certain capacity, and that decision makes it difficult for him to be my friend.  Yes I know that this fight I was the one that told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore, but I only did that because I was so angry at him, at the things that he does, anyway, I cried last night because I missed him so much and everyday that passes, it's a little bit harder. 

AJ by the way journal, was never my boyfriend, AJ has always been my friend, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html buy we have had so many crazy fights, you would think we have been a couple for over two years, which is how long we have known each other.  Anyway, the person that I was dating, I broke up with him a few weeks ago also, I have to admit that being single feels good to me, I don't know, I have just gotten so set on my ways and so used to being with myself, that I feel disconnected almost from that life, the life of a pair.  I am happy however that at least I gave it a try and at least I gave it a try with someone super super nice, super special.  I felt really bad to have to break things off with him, but there were just to many factors involved that I don't really want to get into.  I still speak to him and think he is a great person, but I don't see him, I think it's better to keep my distance for a bit. 

Journal I also miss my oldest son so desperately! I have not spoken to him in over a week and that is the longest time I have not communicated with him.  He is now an army soldier, started boot camp last week, I miss my boy! I am so proud of my child! it feels so weird that he is no longer a child and that I can't take care of him, he is a young man, preparing himself to defend our country! I'm honored to call him my son!

I have so much more I want to write but I am so tired! I have been working two jobs to make some extra cash.  I love my new job though and soon I will be quitting my second job which is a lot of fun.  I love Colorado! I wish I would have moved here sooner!

Good night journal!

Sooooo Sick of him!

Dear Journal:

I'm sick and tired of AJ! yup! I seriously sincerely am! all he and I ever do is argue about dumb shit and I'm tired of him accusing me of not being able to have a girlfriend because of me! how the hell is it my fault? his explanation is so ridiculous that I can't even believe someone would say something so ridiculous! but what can I expect of a young man that has no life experiences? these feelings that I have for him have to go away! I don't want them anymore!

Journal, AJ who I have known for two and a half years, has occupied my thoughts and my heart for far too long, and we hung out and we are so cool as friends and then he turns around and gets mad at me about things and instead of facing me and telling me to my face, he hides behind his phone because it's easier to send text messages to express yourself.  I'm so over it already, if he thinks that this time I'm going to try to make up with him he is so wrong, I am done with this situation, I don't care how many tears I will cry from now on and how many times I will miss him desperately! I guess you are wondering what happened to my boyfriend? well, we broke up.  I am also sick and tired of living lies, I will not do that to him, myself or anyone else.

Yesterday I went on a hike and thought about how much Ben would of liked Colorado.  I know it's ridiculous that I still think of that man ever so often, but well you can't blame me for it, I loved him for 5 years of my life and never even kissed the dude, that's pretty significant.  Anyway, lately I have been really happy with the way my life is going, and I don't need any complications with anyone.  I have realized that me and and relationships don't mesh well together and I don't want them anymore! I'm done trying to be nice to people and being taken for granted.  I have decided to go back to be single and being pretty happy! I have been single for years and been ok with it, I'm good!

My I guess now ex boyfriend, he is a nice person and I can be his friend, but I can't be with him, it doesn't feel right, it just doesn't and I don't want to continue to pressure myself to be with someone just because I feel like I need to be in a relationship to feel normal.  I am normal, I am just fine and I have many things I need to do right now, I cannot be worried about men! fuck them all!

I am in a shitty mood today, I am tired and wish I could sleep all day, unfortunately I have things to do, but journal, I promise that the next time I write you, I will be ok.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS! and yes, I will forget about all this nonsense that I don't need to deal with or tolerate.  I feel bad that things didn't work out with my boyfriend, but he is way too all over the place for me! the lesson that I learned from this experience is that you NEED to be friends with someone first! I have to be friends with someone before I can be in a relationship with them, being with him so fast was kind of crazy! I seriously felt trapped! worst feeling in the world.

Anyway...... I don't feel like ranting and raving anymore...... so I shall go!

peace journal!

Not a bad thing!........

Dear Journal:

Hi! I have been missing you! I sometimes forget that the reason why I got you was because I preferred to go on a site that I consider mine, ie. my own blog page, then to go on a public social network site to share my thoughts.  For starters, the limited amount of characters on a status update, doesn't allow you to fully share what is REALLY going on in your mind, just imagine me trying to share all that happens in my life on one status! that would be totally nuts!

Today I received an email from my wonderful ex creative writing professor, I truly enjoyed his class! he told me he was moving to Los Angeles with his amazing fiance and to continue to write, he also told me that if I ever wrote anything I wanted to share with him, he would review it and critique it! that was in my opinion pretty awesome of him to offer! I think he is one awesome guy and hope that one day he gets the credit he deserves for his hard work.  Anyway, after I read the email that ended with the sentence... "keep writing" I realized that I have been totally slacking on my writing, and that I need to get to it ASAP! the problem is that I can only write things that are currently going on in my life, and I am not sure if writing certain things would be a good thing.  I can very well start telling you a few things that are of no importance, but writing those things would be sort of lame I guess, because when I look back to this my journal to remember a time, I would like to remember it as accurate as possible, however, in the past, I have gotten myself in all sorts of trouble with things I have written, so I am not sure when it is ok to write something that is real and happening, and when it may be time to keep things to myself? except if I keep things to myself then I am not being true to you, my live journal....

The other night as I laid down with my boyfriend, I told him that I was having a really difficult time being in a relationship.  I told him that I was beginning to feel claustrophobic and that there were days when I wanted to just start running.  He asked me what about us being together made me feel that way, and I told him that the fact that I can't just up and go as I please, really annoyed me and I proceeded to give him an example of a day last week, when I wanted to just take off, but didn't do so because I had to stop and consider his feelings about me disappearing.  After I told him that, he told me that all I needed to do in the future, was to call him and give him a heads up that I was going to do something, and he would understand.  I guess he didn't understand that, that is exactly what I didn't want to do, that is exactly what I dislike about being in a relationship, except if he did that to me I would probably be upset.  I told him that also, I told him that I felt like I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, and his response to that was, that cake was meant to be eaten! and after he said that, he proceeded by telling me that he really didn't want to talk about all of that at that moment and after he said that, he turned around and the conversation was over!

I am not sure where this blog post is going, maybe I just needed to let that last paragraph out of my head and on to this page, because when I tried to express to my boyfriend how I'm feeling and what thoughts are going on in my head, he chooses not to talk about it and pretend I didn't say anything.  The truth is however that I feel pressured, I feel claustrophobic and I feel strange.  I don't know how to do this whole relationship thing, and I don't even know if I like it.  I have been alone for so long I no longer know how to be part of another, I don't know how to be ok with having to let someone know my whereabouts as if they were my parent.  I don't know how to deal with someone else's attitude and pretend i'm ok with it.  I don't know what things I should tell this person, and what I shouldn't.  I am scared to fall for him, but even more afraid to think of maybe letting him go and worst of all, I am starting to miss him whenever I'm gone for a few hours, even though I shouldn't have to because I know that I am going to see him later! and the reason why I know I will be seeing him later is because I am currently living with him temporarily, and I have no where else to go but to his place! I am seriously feeling a bit overwhelmed by this whole thing and all he can say is.... "I don't want to talk about it right now," and I'm supposed to be ok with that? I seriously forgot how fucking annoying being involved with someone is and I just don't know how long I can deal with it for.

So yes, all is nice nice on the surface, there is a lot of kissing going on, and we have sex and yes we laugh and tell each other past silly stories, so yes, everyone is happy! or are we? is he? I mean I tell him I'm having a hard time being in a relationship and he turns around and goes to sleep! what the fuck! maybe he is also and doesn't want to address it, who knows! in any case, I am feeling overwhelmed and a little lost in the shuffle, I just don't know that I know how to be a plus one! I liked my freedom! I enjoyed doing what I wanted when I wanted and I have been honest about it except he pretends I didn't say anything and then I pretend I didn't say anything either because we weren't supposed to talk about it! what the f$#@! I keep telling myself that things will get better, and I look at his face and think to myself.... "damn he's cute!" but is cute enough to keep me around and pretending that everything is fine and dandy? or is this relationship already heading to it's end when it barely just began? or am I over analyzing this because it is going so fast? I hate it! why couldn't it just be simple! 

So, yes journal, this is what's going on in my life currently and I only hope that by being honest to you, I don't end up messing everything up because the wrong person might read this post.  But well, I will stay true to you no matter what trouble I get into, because at the end of the day, this is me, this is my life and I choose to share it!

I will leave you with my new favorite song! yes.... it makes me think about how my boyfriend feels about me... Jazzy is scared!

Justin Timberlake - Not a bad thing...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8ygKnBtKAk

My boyfriend trusts me!

"To let go of someone you love, does not mean you stop loving them, it simply means setting them free, so they can fly" ~ Jazzy

 

 

Dear journal ~

 

Today I went to get a burger because I have not eaten a burger in a really long time and decided that although my diet is mostly vegetarian, if I ever get the urge to eat some meat or chicken, I will, without feeling guilty.  Anyway, I went to a place at 11:00 a.m. because I thought today was the buy one burger get the other for a penny, and I had read the sign wrong and the deal is actually on Friday nights! DARN! we decided we would wait until Friday and on the way out of the restaurant/bar, he said to me that we needed to get some food in me soon because I was really cranky! I guess he is really getting to know me! he, or the person I am referring to, is my boyfriend! YES! I have a boyfriend and for purposes of my blog, I will call him.....DJ BASS!

 

I have known him for two months now, and while I can sit here and go on and on about him, I have decided to wait it out a bit before I start ranting and raving about my cool man! he is indeed one cool guy! and there is nothing he will not do to make me happy! I don't even know how to act sometimes because he spoils me! I am finally being treated the way I deserve and I won't complain about it! my guy is sweet, loving, generous, kind, funny, silly and simple! oh and TOTALLY BRAINY! I watch him do all sorts of stuff and can't help to feel amazed at all the things he can do! it's pretty darn cool!

 

So, after he and I walked out of the burger joint, we went and got some food at the supermarket and had a picnic! I am always with him, it's strange that I don't get tired of it, but I really don't, it feels comfortable and like I'm doing the right thing.  This relationship is not one of those relationships where I can say that I am head over heels, but more like a relationship that is starting slow, one that we are just so cool with each other and can talk about anything.  I always feel like I'm hanging out with my new friend who I get to tell all my stuff too and as an added bonus I can kiss whenever I feel like it! that's the best part about it, I get as many kisses as I feel like it! and let me tell you journal, I am fully taking advantage of the situation! I am kissing as if I was a HS girl who only sees her boyfriend during school hours! woooo hoooo!!! kisses kisses, LOTS OF THEM!

 

I met him a week after I arrived in Colorado at a warehouse rave, basically it was a house music party at a warehouse in Denver.  I had bought tickets for the event before I even arrived in Colorado.  I saw him and noticed he was looking at me, and thought he was handsome but kept on enjoying the music not really paying him any mind.  A few hours later, I had walked away from where I first saw him and ended up standing right near him without realizing it, when I noticed him, we looked at one another and smiled, but at that moment I felt like I had to go to the bathroom so I began to walk away from him, as I started to walk away and he realized that I was leaving, he ran after me, like literally ran a little so he could grab my arm and introduce himself to me, I shook his hand and told him that I was on my way to the bathroom and would be back (we always laugh at the fact that he ran after me! awe!).

 

When I returned from the rest room, he asked me if I knew of a town named Fort Collins, turns out that is the town he lived in and what do you know..... so do I! we later also found out that he knew all of the people I was with, so he was a friend of my new friends here in Colorado which was pretty cool.  Anywho, that was two months ago and I have been hanging out with him ever since.  I guess we have been seriously dating officially though for about a week now, although we have been together almost every day for the last two months, it wasn't until the other day that I felt comfortable with the fact that I am now in a relationship.  Six years it took me, SIX!.... to feel ok with this thing called being with just one person, I am still adjusting.  Journal, his patience has been what got us here, I cannot begin to tell you how much patience he has had with me, he is truly a great guy! I feel lucky!

 

So, today after the picnic, I cut his hair and with a straight razor shaved his beard, the best part about the whole thing was that he told me that he trusts me, it felt so good to know that I am with someone who trusts me, like literally trusts me with a straight razor on his throat! that man must really like me! HOLLY SHIT!!! but I made sure I was careful and made sure I was gentle and made sure I wouldn't cut my man's face with the straight razor, I gave him a nice clean shave and a cool new hair cut! YUP! I bet you didn't know I could cut hair and shave a man's face??....BUT JAZZY CAN DO VERY MANY THINGS! wooo hoooo!!! Well, technically it was the first time I shaved a man face with a straight razor, but he knew this and still said he trusted me! now that is TRUST! I think I did a really good job and he said as long as I liked it, he did also! as I was shaving his beard off I kept kissing his lips because they are so awesome! we kept saying that if I opened my own barbershop I would probably get lots of tips if I would shave and kiss my clients! YUK! So yeah, we always have fun and always talk all sorts of things and well, we both love music! music pretty much brought us together, good times!

 

Journal, life in Colorado is truly peaceful, I love it here, and I feel great! hopefully on Friday when I have that burger finally; I won't feel guilty!

 

Stay tuned............

 

peace and love..........

 

 

 

 



Please be patient with me.......

So many wonderful kisses that I get from your sweet lips... They are soft, tender and loving! after one of them, I can barely recover...

Since you came into my world you have filled my days with laughter, and when I'm in your arms there can be no disaster.  For some strange reason I feel safe, all I need is to feel your embrace.

But what if I gave you my heart, would you betray it like all the others? and if I made you truly mine, could I trust you like no other? this fear inside of me does not let you in, I use any excuse that I can, to keep you far from within.

Yet you lay next to me each and everyday with patience, I hope inside of you, you already know, that your patience with me will conquer it all...

So please stay patient please stay kind, please stay near, have no fear! 

I know that with me you will one day find, a love so true a one of a kind! just give me some time I want to let you uncover, all the deep sides of me that I want to recover, so just be patience wait and see, I know I can! just stay with me! just be patient I'm so deeply afraid! I want you to know, that I want you to stay!

Please please just stay, be patient with my heart, please promise me you will not take your kisses afar, please be patient and you will have my heart like no other, we will have something special we will care for each other, your patience will keep us together I bet, we will have the time of our lives we will never forget!

Thank you my darling for your everyday kisses, I didn't even realize how badly I had been missing,

a tender touch;
a soft kiss;
a genuine smile;
a true heart;
a sincere feeling of miss

So just be patient my dear, and you will one day see, that when I give my love, it will be worth it to thee.  So please oh please don't take away your kisses...

And I beg thee to be patient with me, for when I give my love, you will surely see, that the wait was well worth it, because you will find in me...

A genuine heart,
A true faithful lover
A kind woman,
An adventurous lover....

I thank the day you ran after me, in that room filled with music that we both enjoyed, for that music brought us together and filled us with joy!

So I beg you be patient, be patient with me, you will not regret it, just you wait and see...

Art by: Vik Muniz

Magical!

Dear Journal -

So much has happened since I moved to Colorado, that I truly don't know where to start! I guess the best way to start is to probably tell you that all the events that have led me to today, have been extremely wonderful and I am definitely happy! the events that have led me here are all very interesting to say the least.

I want to tell you first about a magical moment that I will never forget, it is magical, not because of the events that took place on that day, but because of the feelings involved and because of the closure the moment allowed.  There were genuine sincere feelings involved in the moment but also fear and nervousness and there was definitely a lot of holding back.  I think the biggest fear we both felt, was the fear of allowing all that was deep inside of us to come to surface, because if that would of happened, it would of been almost impossible to ever let go.  I cannot go into details about the actual events that took place on the second of April, not only because I feel that I want to cherish the event in my memory instead of on a journal, but also because the acts don't always necessarily make a moment special.  I can however tell you about the feelings and the person involved.  

I will start by telling you that on that morning, I received a txt message that I was not expecting, the message was from AJ remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html well, he and I the day before, had talked about how we both felt about one another and he told me that if I were younger, he would probably be in love with me, because in his eyes I was perfect! while I do not believe that I am perfect in any way shape or form, I do understand what he meant, and I also believe, that he himself is perfect as well, in other words, under different circumstances, we would be perfect for one another.  The sad thing is, that while we agree that we are perfect for one another, we both agree that we cannot be together for many reasons and although it hurts me deeply, I am at a point in my life that I have learned how to love with logic.  I have to understand that you cannot force anyone to want to fight for what they feel and that no matter how much you may want something, you have to allow the other person the freedom to do what is best for them.  For AJ, it is best for him not to be with me, for me, it is best to understand and accept that.

Journal, for the past over two years of my life, AJ has occupied my thoughts daily, he is the person I can honestly say I feel that I am in love with, however, when I think about it logically, I also think that I am more "in love" with the idea of being in love, because I have not felt that for anyone since Benjamin, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html The best part about what I feel for AJ, is that he and I are such great friends, that I was able to talk to him about all of this, and told him that he was my reason, my reason not to allow anyone else in.  Holding on to him, sheltered me from letting anyone in and allowing anyone to hurt me.  Loving him has felt safe, because I know, that even if he isn't in love with me, he truly loves me as he told me he does.  However, under the right circumstances, I know for a fact that I would have allowed myself to be completely completely in love with him, with all my heart, mind, body and soul! and the only reason why I never allowed myself to feel that way for him completely, and the only reason why he never allowed himself to feel that way for me completely, was because of our age difference, because of the fear of the judgments of others towards what we shared.  It saddens me, that we both allowed judgments to be the reason for us not allowing ourselves to feel what deep down we both wanted, it isn't fair, but that is life and no matter what age I am or what age he is, the fact is that he did not allow us to to share in each other.  I say this,  because I would of fought for what I wanted to allow myself to feel for him, I would of done so, if he for one moment would of showed me that he was willing to fight for it also! 

I have always been a rebel and always will be and therefore, I will never allow what society thinks to be "normal" to be a factor in my life.  I will always do what I want to do, because life is meant to be lived and for that reason I would of fought for us, but only if he would of been ok with it.  He is not and therefore, I have to be understanding.  I know that he is learning and growing as an individual and that he and only he knows what is best for him.

On the second of the month, we were able to talk about everything we both felt, about how special we are to one another, about how we will always be great amazing friends! and that makes me happy! I know that soon, he will probably be with someone else, I told him that I hope that she takes care of him the way I would of loved too, I also told him that I hope she will love him as much as I do, and while I don't think she will, because the way I love him is really unique and special and different and not only romantic in nature, I understand that sometimes in life,  you can't have everything that you want and that you have to be realistic and you have to accept and you have to move on.  

I am really glad that when it comes to him, it is not necessarily moving on, it's more about letting go of that romantic feeling and going back to that feeling that I felt the very first time I met him back in October of 2011 when I started to talk to this young man about life and all of a sudden, we were both engrossed in a feeling of bliss a feeling of oneness, a feeling of magic and genuine care.  I now have to learn how to stop thinking about him daily and allowing someone new into my thoughts.  It is time, that I make my way back into love, without fear.  

Journal, the magic is not in the events of a moment, the magic is in the feeling of true and genuine care, in true and genuine honesty, in true and genuine love and that is why on April first, I had a magical time.  I was with someone that knows me inside and out, someone that knows that I will be here for him forever, through good and bad times.  We thanked each other because with each other, we learned to trust, because with each other, we learned so many lessons.  How many people can say they have someone special that way? how many people can say that there is someone they know, that will always understand them, always be there no judgements? I think he and I are truly lucky!

Thank you my special friend! I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!

Safe and Sound - Rebelution 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WTcc3XuLEM

I Feel Love - Donna Summer

Dear Journal:



So much to tell so little time! So I will just tell you, that life is amazing! and I feel really happy! There is a lot of music in my life these days and it is awesome! Insert smiley face here!

I will leave you with.... Ms. Summer and Picasso!


I feel love - Donna Summer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8TBmeK9Abg&feature=kp

Les-Demoiselles - Pablo Picasso

I feel Love - Donna Summer

The Neighbourhood - Afraid (HD)

Love this song!

The Neighbourhood - Afraid

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laEB5OgGjaI