Dear Journal, I wrote the blog post below on my flight to Miami on Friday, January 21st. I always write a post on my flights when I'm going somewhere! anyway, I let my daughter read it after I wrote it and she was not too happy about my ending, because she said I was "jinxing the flight" I told her that you have to take chances and write things to make things exciting! I also know I will die an old lady on my bed and by old I mean nearing my 100 years old! So I'm not tripping!
I got off the tinder app, I was starting to feel overwhelmed and truly depressed by talking to a bunch of random dudes that are all looking for the same thing, it felt like I was talking to the same man over and over again no matter what the age was! I felt like I needed a break to be honest, I've been hustling trying to get FB page likes for a while and it feels like a lot of work, and I've matched with over a thousand men and the most depressing part about the whole thing was that not even ONE caught my attention in any meaningful way! like I said, it felt like I was talking to the same man over and over again! I need a break but I shall return eventually! without further a do.... below is my blog post.
Dear Journal -
A few months ago we were doing a class for youth regarding gun violence. As part of the class, we had different people present specifically about their experiences with gun violence and one of the individuals talked about his jail time and how that had changed him forever. This individual had been in and out of jail and then prison from the time he was 13 or so, at present he is in his late 30’s and finally decided that he wanted to turn his life around. While he was talking about his experiences he said that when he is gone from this world, he wants to leave it better not worse and so he had decided to change “his dash.”
I’ve heard this expression before, the expression “what will be your dash.” The dash refers to your life, when we die, our tomb stone typically has date of birth a dash and date of death. The dash are all the years in between, our lives.
When I was very young I feared death tremendously, the thought of it was terrifying! I was even more fearful about it when my kids were small because I would always think, if I left them now, who would care for them and love them the way that I do! As my kids have gotten older, my fear has also lessened, mainly because I don’t fear leaving them anymore, meaning they can all pretty much care for themselves at the very least able to specify their basic needs.
But, what is my dash? How would I describe myself if I were in a room full of people talking about Jazzy! Who am I? Some days I know exactly who I am, what I want and where I want to be, and others…. No clue! Why is it so hard for one to make decisions, is it just me? Am I the only human that struggles back and forth about so many different things. I try to live as present as possible and try and catch myself when I find my mind drifting to a distant future I know nothing about, sometimes I feel reckless and uncaring, other I feel centered, loving and caring. It’s so hard to really sum my life up in one blog post, but one thing I can say about my dash is this….
For the most part I’ve lived pretty fearlessly, I’ve lived my life the best that I can. I’ve been through so much and have learned so much in the process, I believe that growth is a never ending thing and that everyone who crosses your path has a reason why they crossed it! This can be friends, lovers and anyone you sit next to somewhere one day randomly and have some sort of meaningful conversation with, you can also learn from. I hate people for the most part but love them even more! Everyone is living an internal struggle! Even those that look like they have it all put together there is some shit going on inside them they just know how to play it off right!
I’ve lived in different states and even a different country and humans are fundamentally the same. Everyone wants to be acknowledged, respected and loved! Life is really hard but there are always memorable moments that make it so worth living!
So, what is my dash? Thus far, my dash is that if I die today during this landing in Miami, I’ve lived and loved with so much fear but non at all! I give my all and always try to do my best…. That’s all I have for you journal! I hope that when the day comes where someone is readying what they wrote about me, and about my dash, they will find fun, funny and happy memories about my dash!
I leave you with..... Stevie Wonder - I just called to say I love you....
Just when you think you are free and the pain is gone, you wake up one morning looking at your phone wondering when that message will come! at this point I don't even know what I want the message to say, but I just wonder if it will ever come at all. I then try to understand why after all this time, I'm still waiting for something like magical to happen or like some I don't know event that will change it all and yet it doesn't happen, nothing has happened, nothing will happen because he's my past and I need to let it go!
Last night I was reminded of the true events of my last relationship, I was reminded that I didn't do anything wrong and that I didn't have anything to regret, that I had done the right thing! I think I am stuck in this place called first impressions! When we meet someone for the first time in any sort of capacity in our lives, our machines also known as our brains, start to look for other things that are like this person in front of us so that it can make sense of it, we compartmentalize things in different categories so that we always have like a reference guide to make sense of things. That is called the first impression, that instant when you make a decision about a person that you truly know nothing about, but has made some sort of impression on you whether it's good or bad it's made. I am stuck on all the first impressions from the person that I thought I was over but clearly still love, I can't stop thinking of all the good and I feel stuck because for a long time I couldn't stop thinking of all the bad! I thought of all the bad so that I could let him go and move on, but the more I meet new people, the more I get to know people, the more I'm convinced that I will never feel the way I did about him for anyone else, like his shoes are hard to fill! My first impression of him is my standard and the standard is pretty high!
Sure he wasn't perfect, but he made me feel like I was, I don't think any man has ever made me feel as wanted and needed and loved the way he did, sometimes part of me feels like I was a little obsessed with him, because I always felt that I could never get enough of him and like he couldn't get enough of me! I remember there were times that I would look out the window a million times waiting for him to come home and then when I would see the lights from his car reflect in my apartment (our parking spot was right in front of our door) I would run to the door and wait for him so I could jump on him and shower him with my love! No fear! I could give him me with no fear! now, I fear every single decision about anything that has to do with a man. Every time I want to do something nice for someone I question it and hold back and it's always this like battle inside of me like.... Well, what has this person done for you to go and give them you? It's pretty depressing to be honest and I just don't know how I will ever be ok and open to give anyone me again!
The worst thing is that other days I'm like..... I am going to give without fear! but that is far from the truth and everything I give takes a lot of effort and a lot of anxiety! I don't have the capacity to create a new future in my mind with anyone but myself, so that is what I need to do, continue to be by myself, keep taking care of me and my emotions and my health and forget about it all and just truly let go, because I feel like doing that will allow the right person to come into my life! Because all that comes into my life is just as or if not more broken than I am! which makes me even more confused more anxious and more scared! If the right person stepped into my life tomorrow, I would likely fuck it all up, because this hot mess right here right now, I don't think anyone can handle!
So every night before I go to sleep, I look at my phone and check my email and look for his name, but it's never there and I miss him so much! and I won't write because I will likely not get a response, but I miss him so much, because I'm stuck in this time capsule of the beginning when he treated me like a queen, when I was everything to him, and now I might no longer exist in his memory but here I am typing this journal and crying like a baby. I feel so down and the fact that people never seem to know what they want with me, makes me even more down and makes me more depressed because I don't want to be in this place again, this place of uncertainty of not knowing where I stand in people's lives. This place where everything is scary! why did it have to be this way journal? why?
The man from B5 made me laugh made me cry! Tall with dark hair and a dark shadow beard oh my! musically inclined, smart, funny, mesmerizing, Jewish Italian, only 5 years younger. Yup that was him, the one that got away! Sometimes I wonder if he ever visits you journal, like has he ever thought about me since the last time we saw each other at the night club in Manhattan where he was a DJ on the weekends? What happened to the man from B5?
I was wondering about him the other day and I looked up his brother on Facebook, now here is the thing journal, I don't usually look at anyone's profile I try not to get into those habits of obsessing over anyone's social media, because at the end of the day, a lot of it is just bull shit! do you know how many times I've posted a picture and looked really happy but inside my heart was breaking? or how many times I posted something that came up somewhere only because in that moment I posted it I was thinking about something and it was relevant? in the end, if I want to know about someone truly, I reach out and say hello! I mean that is, if the person is still my friend or if I'm still comfortable talking to them. But here is the thing, a few years ago, I would say probably about 5 years ago, I sent the man from B5 let's call him Wilferm (that's the name he had said I could use on my blog when writing about him) so I sent him a txt and he never till this day, responded. In that moment I knew he didn't want to have anything to do with me, even though at that point I had not even talked to him in a really long time and I was just saying hello because it had been a while and I was wondering about him.
He and I never really dated, we were just friends, actually we slept together maybe 2x if that, actually the second time I slept with him, I had a panic attack and ran out of his house, it was the craziest thing that had ever happened to me, I had a panic attack because back then I was a commitment phoebe and I got so scared about the way I felt about him during sex, that I had to stop couldn't breath and literally ran out with half my cloths in my hand! (do you think that's what scared him about me?) this is a true story I swear it! we lived in the same building, him on the second floor me on the 6th literally the same row of apartments just different floors, anywho, after that obviously things became super awkward and to my unfortunate luck, one morning I saw him leaving the building with another woman and that was shitty to see! because I was never in love with him, but I really really really really liked him A LOT!
Before our story ended, he once told me that he never wanted to be the reason why someone wouldn't do something they really wanted to do and the translation to that was, "Jazzy you have plans on moving to Colorado and I would never want to be the reason why you don't go!" maybe that is just something I thought he meant, but it was a really strange story that he and I shared because I would have never came to Colorado if he would have given us the opportunity to be something more. I once saw him with his mom outside of the building and I remember thinking, damn, I wish I could meet her! as I write this my heart aches a little, he was definitely sort of everything I never knew I always wanted, but you know how life goes journal, sometimes you just don't get what you want!
So I'm writing about this now because the other day when I wrote my post about marriage, I thought to myself, if there was anyone that I could choose to marry right now, who would that be? and immediately he came to my mind! I think about him randomly not consistently but like if something happens and I don't know I'm thinking about men or Brooklyn or just random stuff, he will come to mind. One day, I told him that I had found his brother on FB and that I had seen his whole family and he was all upset about it and I was like...... It's not like I'm stalking you, I'm telling you about it, why do people get all crazy about stupid shit like that? that's why people are on social media, if you don't want anyone to know anything about you, then you shouldn't be on it! and that is just the thing journal, this man does not have any social media at all, the only thing he has is LinkedIn because it's a professional site, but other than that, he is but a ghost in this world wide web!
However, his family has Facebook and ever so often I would look up his brother to see if maybe for some strange reason, there was a picture of him or something, I missed him! about a week ago I was thinking about him and I looked up the brother and then the mother and when I went to his mom's page, there HE WAS! a perfect picture of my Wilferm! OMG! he is still as handsome as I remember! I kept thinking hey! how are you? and I stared at the picture for a while and yearned to talk to him! I missed him so much! and wondered why he thought it was best never to talk to me again? I can't believe how great he looked, and to the masses I bet he's nothing special but to me, I had to sit there and stare at that picture and wonder, because the man in B5 who made me laugh and made me cry, never spoke to Jazzy again!(insert sad face here).
I wrote the poem below for him right before I moved to Colorado, because he said that one day he would visit me! he did come to Denver once, but he didn't let me know he did until after the fact, what about me made him feel that we couldn't be friends? I never understand men!
The man from B5 By: Jazzy Originally written on July 3, 2013 The man in B5, made me laugh, made me cry... And on that last night there could be no good bye. For those last hours were spent there with me, it was almost as if life had just made it be. And on that last night through little white lies a promise was made. That one day he'd go and spend time with me there, and that on that day it would be a grand big affair! That we would walk, we would laugh as only we do! down the road up the hill, over the mountains, we'd see, the wonderful natural beauty of God, the breath taking planes, and the wonderful sky! And oh my goodness what is that which we see? It's that sort of tree oh this place is for me! And hours will come and hours will go, Just him and just I, us sing and us dance! I'll ruffle his feathers and keep him together. He'll keep me from dreaming and being a fool. Together we'll smile it will last for a while, together at last together we'll be, together at last just he and just me. And we both will tell truths and we both will tell lies, and we both will not know why we once said goodbye! Oh boy one more time I will have him near! and he won't remember that what I said was clear, that dreams do come true remember please dear! that I held him, I smelled him and kissed his soft lips. And then I'll remember how on that last nigh he hugged me real tight and it felt just so right! together in my memory we'll be! the man from B5, just he and just me! I will leave you with..... Michael Jackson - Rock with you
It is 2022 and that means that it is a new year and a new opportunity to be great! or at least, tell yourself that you are stronger than you think! well, at least that's what I tell myself! I have had you for 11 years now! I never thought that 11 years later I would still be here, writing these words that mean nothing to some, but everything to me.
So I have a little story to tell you journal. The other day I was talking to someone and he told me that he felt that I talked about marriage a lot, when he told me this, I was really taken aback, like HOLY SHIT DUDE! I talk about a ton of shit but all you ever heard was me telling you that one day I want to get married? that's crazy! This comment definitely made me realize that men have selective listening or that they only pick up subtle cues of what a woman is telling them or only hear what they want to. Immediately when he told me that I found myself defending myself and telling him that the reason why I talked about marriage so much lately or I guess since I met him, is because I was supposed to be married right now, I was engaged and instead of getting married we broke up and that was really hard for me, I never thought that I would be naked on a bed with another man explaining to him why I spoke about marriage so much! I thought that I would be naked with one man only for the rest of my life!
After I had this conversation with him, it left me thinking about marriage and why was it that I was talking about it so much, like even when I was with my good friends this past summer, I told them that one day I would like to get married again, immediately, two of the three, the two that aren't married, told me they would never get married, that was far from their mind. I told them, that it made me sad that people felt this way these days, like everyone walks around with this fear of the most normal thing that can happen between two people that love, honor and respect one another. But maybe, the problem is that no one loves, honors or respects anyone these days, everyone is all about open relationships, open marriages and this world just seems chaotic and crazy, love rarely exists anymore. What happened to love? why is everyone always so scared?
Logically I had to sit down and do some real soul searching, was I thinking about marriage because I was supposed to get married and didn't, or was I thinking about marriage because I want a life partner, or was I thinking about marriage because that is what deep in my heart I truly want? After lots of thought, I realized this. When I first met my ex fiancé, I had been divorced for about 7 years at the time. He was a lot younger than I am, so honestly I never even thought I would love him, let alone imaging marrying him one day! when I met him, although I thought I was this happy woman that had it all figured out because I had been single for so long that I had single down pack! I didn't need ANYONE! then along he came, I remember always being like.... I will NEVER get married FUCK THAT! I literally would tell him this! at the time, he would just stay quiet and never really said much about it, yet unbeknownst to me, he had his own plan, and maybe at the time that plan didn't include me, but part of his plan was that he wanted to be married by the time he was 30.
Thinking back at all of this, it makes sense that he had these plans. He grew up in a loving home with two parents that loved each other and had been married for over 30 years, he grew up in an environment where marriage was OK where marriage was encouraged and marriage was thought of as a wonderful thing. Actually, his mom once asked me why weren't we married? when she asked me I was so shaken up, I almost didn't know what to answer! by this time, he and I had been living together for over 2 years, so the question made perfect sense. Meanwhile, here I was the bitter about marriage bitch, talking about.... I will NEVER get married. I loved him more than life and I couldn't fathom the thought of him not being in my life! yet the thought of marriage was still the furthest thing from my mind, I was still like...FUCK THAT! but why? why was I so bitter? I now realize that I was so bitter because I was allowing past bad experiences dictate my future! Because I had never truly healed from those bad experiences. Why do we all do this? why is life so scary?
As time started passing and I started falling in love with him more and more each day, and we started building a home together, all of a sudden things in my mind began to change, all of a sudden, love was an amazing thing again, he showed me what it looks like when a man loves a woman, truly loves a woman, he loved me and took care of me and always had my back. On another occasion, we had broken up for about 2 months, he even left the state when we did. I was completely devastated and yet, somehow we found our way back to each other, when he came back home, he was like.... Maybe we should get engaged or something, at that time, I was still like.... WTF! why do we need to do that? still, the bitter bitch couldn't fathom the thought of marriage. Someway some how, as time continued to go on the more I loved him the more I started to paint a picture in my mind of the idea of marriage. Then finally I told him that I would be ok with marrying him. It took him 4 years to make me believe that marriage was wonderful and that with the right person, you could build a world that only the two of you would share! granted, my story ended with a break up instead of a wedding, but he left behind a believer, a believer in love and a believer that I deserve all of that, marriage all of it! and that I don't or won't apologize for it and that I shouldn't have to and that if people are to scared to be happy that's not my problem!
So I guess where I'm at now with the marriage topic is this. I am not on the "hunt" for a husband, I told my friend the other day that in my life I had been engaged 4x and married 2x and while non of it was successful, I didn't care, because if I die tomorrow, I already did all of that. But the point is, that to me marriage is a lot more than a piece of paper, I always think of marriage the way my two gay friends who's wedding I officiated but not really (they are not legally married) got "married." They love one another and in front of the people they love, they shared vows with each other to tell the world that they were devoted to one another, that they would be there for each other in sickness and in health, in good times and bad times until death do's them part! I LOVE THAT! why don't I deserve a wonderful man that will want to love, honor and respect me for as long as he lives? why should I be bitter about marriage ever again? My new attitude about marriage is not that I need it and I'm in the "hunt" is more so that I'm OPENED to it and not a bitter bitch because other people in my past hurt me! on the flip side, if I love someone and he is showing me all of these things and to him it means a lot that we don't get married then I won't really care much about it either, because to me, it's about the commitment not so much the actual marriage part of it. My ex came into my life not having as many life experiences as I did and he taught me or rather, he reminded me that love is a wonderful thing, that knowing someone has your back is the best feeling in the world, that taking care of someone you love fills you, that it's ok to be alone, but that it's better to be in good company.
So I tell you journal, I don't know what my future holds and I don't know if I will ever sit here and write the story of the little wedding I had in XYZ place and I don't know if I will ever write my love story on my blog because I don't know if I will have one again, but I do know this, I am OPENED to all the possibilities because I am no longer a bitter bitch, I am no longer afraid to love and be loved again, I will NOT ALLOW bad experiences to continue to shape me, because why should I? There are still wonderful men out there, I know a TON of them, most of my friends are male and I see them yearning love, just like us women, so why is it that talking about marriage is such a scary thing for men? why is it that when a women mentions that, maybe just in passing, that's all they hear?
This man that told me that I talk about marriage a lot, when I told him this, I was having a conversation with him, I never in a million years was thinking or saying.... Damn I want to marry you! like when I initially told him this, I barely even knew him! so why in the WORLD would this be the ONLY thing, this man heard? and furthermore, why should I care if me mentioning that scared him away? if that is all you are hearing, than you clearly don't pay attention! like what the fuck!
I guess, note to self, don't EVER mention the M word, to someone you are sleeping with, because apparently that means to them that you are trying to "land them" dude, unless you are a surgeon with homes all over the country making millions and saving lives, ain't nobody trying to land shit! all these losers I meet need to calm the fuck down, because I deserve the world, any man would be so lucky to have the privilege and pleasure of having my love. It took me forever to realize my self worth, but now that I know it, I won't go around giving my love so easy, so again, unless you are a millionaire who can take care of me and I don't ever have to lift a finger again, will have my own chauffer, private jet and all the designer cloths my heart desires, you are probably safe! you are GOOD! because Jazzy ain't trying to marry just anyone, I'm not out here trying to hunt me a husband! laugh my fucking ass off! hilarious!
Hi! Can I just say that I've been thinking a whole lot about you as of late? I sure have! I always think about what I need to write to you about next, and I mentally prepare my journal entry and think it through and then when I finally get to it, it never quite comes through the way I intended! So, on 12/22/21 you turned 11 years old journal! 11! wow! that's a long time ago! I never imagined 11 years ago that I would still have you or would still be telling my story to you and I definitely never thought that I would sort of be re-living certain situations! sometimes, my life feels like deja vu! It feels that way sometimes because no matter how old you are, if you are single, the same games are being played just different players are involved. So, that is why journal I decided to be just like I was 11 years ago, I decided to do what I am really good at, which is "turning off my humanity" let me explain!
One of my favorite shows is the vampire diaries, I randomly will watch an episode and be like.... OH SHIT! I forgot about that! I absolutely LOVE vampires! their passion, their desires, their immortality! sure, we all typically live most of our lives in some sort of emotional chaos in my opinion and that is what being a vampire is like! so MANY EMOTIONS! in the show, when a vampire "turns off their humanity" what they basically do, is just shut down! so instead of their feelings being heightened, they tap into their "beast side" and become ruthless! That's what I've done lately! not really the ruthless part, mainly just letting go of things that hurt me and just pretty much shutting down. I have absolutely NO desire to care for anyone and this is all inclusive family, friends and to be completely honest, not even my children!
I know this all sounds pretty fucked up, but I had to do this for my self love, I had to really take a look at people's roles in my life and consider, what if any, value or let me not use the term value as every human is valuable, but just what exactly I was giving and what exactly I was getting and if I was giving more, then why was I doing that? again, this includes my kids. Why do you ask I did this journal? well, when I think of me and my self love, I wonder, how can I love myself if I'm allowing others to walk all over me? How can I take care of my health and mental well being, if I let people treat me how ever they feel like it and why do I feel like these obligations to people when in reality no ONE, not even my children do anything for me? what about Jazzy? So when I shut down all of a sudden everything became very clear to me and I started to really take control of my life, including my work life which was taking a HUGE toll on me, I had to really think through what was important and what were my true obligations and that's how I shut down my humanity, I became a little selfish and a lot of peaceful!
I've been feeling really really good lately! I feel this sense of inner peace and freedom! I talk to those who I feel are people that truly care for me and that have been there when I've needed someone to just hear me out, or when I needed to cry or when I needed to vent, there is less than a handful of people I can truly say I count on! As far as my kids, I had a conversation with them each and told them how I felt and the role they played in it all and well the only one that doesn't get it and I don't intend that she will for many years to come, is my teenage daughter, whom is really the ONLY one I still have an obligation to. Other than that, I am on my own and I'm ok with that, because I rather be alone than in bad company or company that is not really serving my soul.
So, why the secret crush title you ask journal? well, this little tiny story that I'm about to tell you started around 6 years ago when I used to work at the shelter. Part of my role there was to attend court some Monday's to pick up protection orders that were usually given out to victims of domestic violence. Everyone at the shelter would always bitch and complain about the judge that was there weekly, but me on the other hand, when I firs saw him I was like.... WELL HELLO JUDGE! I thought he was sort of handsome, but mainly I was in awe about just the fact that he had all this power over everyone in his court room, basically, I was crushing over his power! because let's be honest here journal, what woman doesn't want a man in power? I've always had a thing for men in power, I don't know, it's something about well, their power that turns me on I guess! so, whenever someone would talk about this said judge, the sentence to follow would be like, XYZ, Jazzy's man! I have absolutely NO IDEA at which point he became "my man" but I wasn't going to complain about that comment, who am I to be upset about him being my man? fuck yea he was "my man" in my dreams! HA! truly though, I never like lusted over him, like I never sat around and imagined myself rolling around a bed with him, it wasn't that sort of crush, it was more so well... he was a man in power!
I eventually left that position moved to Oregon lived my life never ever again remembered the "Jazzy's man story" until I started my new position! so fast forward to summer of 2020, I start my new position and I'm told that as part of my role, I have to attend court, I'm like oh cool, I used to do that before, I'm also told I will be attending weekly meetings with one of the judges from the court so I'm like oh cool! so, I am ready to take notes for my very first meeting with said judge and when he comes on the call "it was virtual due to covid" my mouth drops and I'm like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! it's HIM! "MY MAN!" I automatically blushed even though there was not one soul in the room with me, just me in my living room on this call, so I same time my co-worker and tell her about this story and she's like OMG that is so hilarious! Needless to say word gets out on my team that well, he's "MY MAN" and the joke starts all over again, however, this time things are way different, I find out that he's happily married and I hear all these great things about him, so now I'm like WOW! not ONLY is he a "man in power" but in "real life" he's freaking awesome! now I'm sitting in these weekly meetings with him scared to death to open my mouth and when I have to speak I'm so freaking scared and feel so awkward, this man makes me feel like NO OTHER MAN DOES! but it's not sexual it's more like admiration or I don't know, the fact that "HE HAS POWER!" it's pretty insane!
Then, the jokes with co-workers start and again I don't mind, you can call him my man all you want, we joke about how we think he "secretly says little things that are directed at me" which in reality he NEVER DOES! but, I have to communicate with him ore often, I have to write him letters and one day he sends me a message asking me for a reference, which that's all I'll say about that but I'm like holy shit this is so crazy! then the "crush" starts to fade and now I think of him more so with admiration because he truly cares about the community he serves and is so extremely smart and caring and really funny! and finally I tell people well I did used to "crush" on him, but now I just love him he's awesome!
But, the reason why I wanted to write this post was because something really awesome happened a few weeks ago that made me feel really good! So we are at court, he usually confuses me for moms, or someone else, he's constantly apologizing for doing so, but a few weeks ago, he's talking about an issue and then he says my name!!! MY REAL NAME! and I was like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! he knows me now! ok, I'm sorry! but hell yes I'm happy about that! this means that he admires my work, that he values my work and that he knows my role. He knows all the people on my team so for him to finally know me meant a great deal to me. I was super touched and I may have blushed under my mask and after I messaged my co-worker and said... YOU SEE! he loves me too! hahahahaha.....
Journal, I believe that it's good to have something to laugh about even if sometimes you are the "butt" of the joke! one day, when I leave my role, I will likely send him this post, because I want him to know how much admiration I've had for him for all these years!
I really want to stick to my weekly journal posts, my blog has been getting more views and I love that! I really really wish that I got more female followers, I started writing this blog wanting it to be directed at women, but I think I get more males reading my journal than females and I don't know this because the stats tell me so, I think this because since I've been "soliciting" om Tinder, I've gotten a lot of new FB page likes, and they are all from males. I need to start looking for women sites where I can post my blog link. I hope that someone can read something on here that resonates with them or that makes them feel like.... OH WOW, that happens to me too! the point of my journal is not really to tell my story, it's more so to tell others that we are all sort of kind of the same and we all go through shit and it's ok, that's life!
Speaking of Tinder, the other day my friend sent me a screen shot of this woman going off on him because he had emailed her and his message simply said "cream pie?" so, the woman went off on him and he writes back to her and is like... What, you don't like cream pies? HA! he's so silly! we constantly laugh about Tinder shenanigan's because most of the time it's so ridiculous on that site. Anyway, I wasn't even sure what "cream pie" was, I thought it had a completely different meaning than it does, which was hilarious! I told my friend what I thought it meant and he sent me the right "definition" and I was like OMG! I can't believe at my age I don't know such things!
I get the impression that sometimes people think that I'm like this I don't know, like, sexual person who is constantly ready to bang anything that moves or constantly getting laid, and that is so far from the truth. I don't want to write too much about my sexuality until I write my book, but I'm going to say this; yes of course I love to have sex, who doesn't? however, to me, sex is more about quality not quantity. Lately, having sex is like this HUGE task for it to happen in my life that I decided to shut my sexuality down so I literally just try not to think about anyone or anything related to sex. I've done this before in my life and when I do, life is just easier. Celibacy is good for ones soul, I'm pretty much done trying to "have a sex partner."
When my ex and I broke up it was really hard for me at first no longer having a consistent sex partner and for a long time that's what I was looking for, I just wanted someone who respects me and vice versa, but that is always almost harder than trying to find a boyfriend, wtf! you would think sex is simple, but it never is. During the summer I would be like, I almost just want a boyfriend so I don't have to like "find" someone to have as a sex partner, because doing that has been a fucking shit show, not the first time in my life I've been in this situation, it always goes down this way, mainly because people are not clear with their intentions or they lead you on and or emotions get involved, it's just never easy. So for now, farewell sex, till we meet again!
Anyway, I wanted to write today about a subject that I have been thinking about writing for a very long time but I never get around to. To be honest writing about it causes me a little bit of anxiety, but I think it is something that needs to be on my journal because well, not to long ago I did something that after I did it, I felt shitty for doing it. Basically I went off on someone and "told him about himself" because I felt really hurt by this person and he did something to me that just really pushed my buttons and then the next thing you know I was being verbally abusive to him. No, I did not curse at him, I just said really mean things that while they were probably true, it was the way I said them that was really shitty.
After the fact, he never responded to me again, or he did but then I responded back and then I don't know what happened or I guess I do know what happened I was well, verbally abusive and told him I no longer wanted to be friends with him, so instead of us talking about all of this like two adults, he started to ignore me which then made me feel like in the end, I was the "bad guy" when in reality, I had went off because of his behavior toward me. After, I was thinking about the whole situation and how he and I have behaved toward each other and that's what made me start thinking about the cycle of abuse. especially because this was not the first time that things between him and I had went down this way. Since I've known him, it's always been the same story, he does something shitty, I go off and he stops talking to me for whatever amount of time. He comes back around, we start hanging out again and the cycle repeats itself. While he and I are not in an intimate relationship or dating or anything like that, our for la ack of a better term "friendship" usually ends in me saying mean shit and me being the "bad guy."
I worked in domestic violence for 3 years of my life, I always try to check myself in situations that feel weird like that. It feels like a "cycle of abuse" because I'm verbally abusive to him and he is mentally abusive toward me. Why do you ask? well, ignoring someone is a form of abuse even if people don't want to accept or admit that it is. When you ignore someone, you are leaving that person to wonder and think and try and figure out what happened? and while to me, someone not saying anything is everything, that is not the case with everyone. I also do understand that some people shut down when they don't like the way they are being treated, but shutting down for a day or two is very different than completely ignoring someone after an incident between the two. With regard to this person, after I realized that what I did was really shitty, I felt like I needed to apologize which in turn almost made it seem like he did nothing wrong and I was a bitch and when he ignored me, I realized that whatever he does to me, just shows me his level of maturity and confirms that maybe my idea about who he is as a person is true. Regardless, what I never understand is why aren't people mature enough to just tell you how they feel about something you did to them and vice-versa. I believe all people are abusive to a certain extent, I become a vicious bitch when I feel disrespected in some way, when someone hurts me or I feel used. But is this really abuse or is it bad communication?
There are many forms of domestic violence, I worked with intimate partner violence. I would have to do phone screenings of people that were homeless due to domestic violence, I say people because the shelter I worked for, took in men and women. I would have to screen the callers, to figure out if they were eligible to stay at the shelter, based on what the caller was telling me. While that was really hard to do, the main thing I would always have to remember was, is this persons intimate partner, having "power and control" over this person calling for help.
Most times, I would hear stories such as the one I just wrote with regards to this person that has been in my life and I've been "abusive" to and vice versa. I would hear women/men say, he/she ignores me, he/she leaves all upset and doesn't talk to me for days, he/she curses me out and talks to other people about me, this person shoved me the other day while we were having an argument. While all those examples are examples of abusive behavior, that is not having power and control over an intimate partner.
Power and control is when you literally have fear of doing something because the person you are with will be so upset that they will physically harm you, won't let you out of your house, makes you cut communication with your loved ones, you are no longer allowed to have friends, this person has access to all your personal information where you don't have your own privacy, when you are out with this person this person is watching you like a hawk to see what you are looking at and there is a fear for your life, your well being, you are gaslighted which basically means that this person makes you question everything about yourself and your actions and they blame you for everything and call you crazy and you start to question if you really are making any sense. Domestic violence is not only between intimate partners, domestic violence can be between parents and kids, others in the family etc. But basically, true domestic violence is someone else having power and control over you.
In the US, 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner.
If you need help because you read this post and you feel that you are in an abusive relationship, please get help. You are NOT alone.
I feel like I have so much to say but nothing at all at the same time! It's been an interesting last few weeks in my life, I feel very disconnected from people and I also feel very connected to a few people, it's been interesting to sort of figure out who means something to me, who cares about me and who was just passing through. I realize that people come and go from our lives and my whole life I've been very social and know so many people, but I don't really get close to many, my circle is very tiny and it mainly consists of people I've known for many many years. My dearest friends are far away, yet they mean the world to me. Time and time again when I've needed them it's literally only been a txt, email or phone call away and there they are ready to be there for me, I feel really loved by some people I genuinely do, It's a blessing to know that there are people out there that really genuinely care about you.
Tonight I want to write about my friend D! he's become someone very special to me in the weirdest way ever! some days, I am confused about my feelings for him, because they go from romantic to platonic all the time! sometimes I get mad at myself for ever even considering romantic feelings for him, but then he will do something that is so special that I'm like, well.... How can you blame a girl? sure, I blame those sometimes romantic feelings to the fact that there are days that I yearn that closeness to the opposite sex, but mainly I think that just the fact that we have spent the last 4 months getting to know each other as friends, has really given me a sense of like, I guess, for a lack of better term, a feeling of... OH! why did I ever rush this when it could have turned into something and now it's nothing and it will likely never be nothing but I don't feel a connection to him I just feel close to him! does that even make sense? like I literally send him screenshots of conversations I have with men on dating sites and he tells me about women he talks to or whatever and there have been a few times that I've found myself feeling a little jealous but the truth is while I am attracted to him and we've been intimate a few times, I rather have him in my life as a friend, then not have him in my life at all. He is slowly becoming my new man best friend sort of! it's soooo weird, I just don't have any other explanation for it.
Anyway, one of the reasons why I've become so close to him and love him as a friend is because not to long ago I was going through something really really hard and I had messaged him a video and as I was making the video, I starting crying in the video and during the rest of that day, he kept checking up on me and trying to make me laugh and telling me it was going to be ok and that day, I decided that I rather have him as my friend and never ever again sleep with him again if that meant I would loose him! not that he's like ever trying to sleep with me or anything like that, but we have, but that's not what we share, it's bigger than that, it's true and real and sincere and I love him so much!
Then there are those that you feel this incredible connection too, that whenever you are close to them you can't seem to get enough of them, the one that you miss and yearn for, the one that you think about all the time, the one that the moment you saw him there was no denying that the chemistry was like no other and then, that same person, let's you down time and time again and they claim to be your friend, but in reality, they aren't really in your life, they are just there for their own purpose, for their needs only and those are the men, that I want to stay away from, the ones that play with you because they can, because they know some way some how, they have an affect on you, they lead you on because they can and they do. But in the end, who's loosing out? is it really me? how am I loosing something I've never had? Being in a room for moments that feel completely happy, being in a house that just being there is all you need to be contempt, leaving a house and knowing that once you leave, you mean nothing. Once you step out the door, you don't exist until next time. Connection, or just merely attraction?
I'm not making much sense but I want to put this on my journal because most often than not, since I have a nasty temper I will say shitty things that in the end, I am the "bad guy" but if someone has apologized to you about their behavior toward you numerous times, then who is at fault here, is it me for guarding myself and getting angry and saying mean things, or is it the person that pushed your limits to make you say such things, the one to blame? If I say mean things to someone, they must have hurt me, pretty darn bad, because for the most part, I don't do that to people, I only turn into a vicious bitch, when I feel that someone is disrespecting me or using me or playing with me as if I'm some dumb bitch, that doesn't deserve a little bit of love and a lot of respect!
So, I had a dream about Benjamin Nunez last night! HOLY SHIT!!! that was sooo crazy journal! like I literally don't think about Benjamin ever really! I don't even visit his FB page anymore. Also, I don't dream often or well, everyone dreams daily but I don't remember my dreams, so this morning I woke up and I was like.........WOW! that felt so real! I meant to write this post earlier and couldn't and now I can't remember what the dream was about, but it was crazy that I had such a vivid dream with him.
In other Jazzy news, I am currently matched with 947 men on tinder! what the actual fuck! that seems to be all the available men in CO from the ages of 32-52 ha! yea, I mean not all of them message me of course and I never ever message anyone, but I've had some fun with people that message me and I have zero interest in anyone at the moment which feels AMAZING! like I just feel really great about my single life right now! I'm feeling like the old single me! I remember I used to cry some nights when things were going really bad with my ex and I would think, I miss being single so bad! I was good at being single, I suck at being in a relationship! I would often tell him, that I wasn't the relationship type and he was and how I could guarantee that we would break up and he would be in a serious relationship right away and who knows if I would ever do that shit again, and sure enough, here I am doing my damn single thing, and re-learning how to be single, it's so much fun!
I think the only way I would be in a relationship is if things just like, evolved into that or I don't know, the person and I just felt that strong bond almost instantly! you know, like you are with that person and when you spend time together it just feel perfect, it just feel right and not just to one person but to both of us and there is no fear because it's just magic! and I know that magic isn't real, but you ever spend time with someone and the time goes by so fast and it feels so good when they are around and when they aren't you think of them and you don't fear sending a message and they don't fear sending a message because you know the other person is there with you? that, to me is real and legit and not scary and if it doesn't play out that way..... it's not meant to be and you just have fun in the moment and live your life! no expectations, just living!
I think I will be going to Vegas for New Years! I can't wait, I have not had a great New Years in YEARS! this year, I'm planning on ending it with a bang! and I don't know if I will get you know "banged" as that is not the reason why I'm going to Vegas, but you never know journal, cause you know what they say......... WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS....STAYS IN VEGAS!!! ta ta journal!
I've been listening to so many old school songs lately, mainly because when I am sad and going through a lot of things, I find a time where I was happy and listen to the music that brings me back there because being here is too painful! so I will leave you with......Mr. Telephone Man by New Edition.
Life has been a bit much lately and I don't really want to talk about it, so instead, I decided to write my book report! I have not written about a book in some time, and I'm not sure how this post will carry out as I honestly haven't finished the book because it's been really hard to read and concentrate on what I'm reading lately, however, I really do want to write about it.
The only thing I do want to share journal, is that the end of last month and this month so far, has been really hard for me. I am going through so much! I feel really lost and sad, I feel like I lost a whole lot and yet I also feel like I am finally loving myself for the very first time in my whole life! for the first time, I choose me! I don't know how to be selfish because I usually am not, but I want to be, because why not?
I just cried a little while ago reading a post from 2011, that appeared on my list of most recently read blog posts. I never know who reads my journal, but it will give me statuses such as, how many visits I am getting and what posts have been visited. I love that, because someone will read a post I completely forgot about and then it will come up I will read it and feel all sorts of things! This post from 2011, I specifically remember when I wrote it. It was one of the last times I saw Benjamin Nunez on the 1 train in NYC. He got off on 14th street Union Square and that was the last time I set my eyes on him. I will never forget the way my heart felt heavy as the train rode away and I saw his silhouette become smaller. The silhouette, which coincidentally is the picture I have as my journal picture. That silhouette was once his blog picture and I stole it at first and then asked him if I could have it. I wrote about it and I will share the link to that post at the end of this one.
So, why do men love bitches according to author Sherry Argov? I've still yet to understand why? what I get out of this book is what we all pretty much know, which is.... men like to chase and if the more they have to chase you the more they want you! She pretty much goes into details about how to be chased and play the "game" to me, this is all bullshit! I literally hate being chased! it feels so fake! if I like someone and they like me, there will be non of that, so basically, I'm not going to play some game so that someone will "want me" the fuck! however, everything she says is true, all the tips and tricks are valid, I know for a fact that if you have the energy for all of that bullshit then sure, you will likely get the man you want, but why the fuck would I want to do all that work to "get" someone? I want someone to want me because they see me! they value me, they respect me, they think I'm great! no game required! every single person I've ever been in a serious committed relationship with, there have been no games played, at least not initially! my last relationship though, I definitely during the relationship found myself playing the "cat and mouse game" whenever my ex and I were going through stuff, I naturally would pull away and the more he felt that he was loosing me, the harder he would work to "get me back" but then, once we made up and things were good, we would stop the "game."
I have never been the type of woman who will like, fall for someone because they chased me, I definitely have seen how everything she says in the book is valid though, because I've "played the game" without meaning too! By this I mean that I have rejected people in the past that wouldn't take no for an answer and this gave them more like incentive to "keep trying" except I legitimately didn't want them too and it became really frustrating! I am very honest about my feelings always have been. Even as a teenager when I didn't really know about the "chase" if I didn't like a boy I would be like, I'm sorry, I just don't like you!
I do admit that at one point in my life I was like, well, what if I give this friend a chance maybe I'll eventually see him for what he is and fall in love with him. Unfortunately, that never happened! when I am going to like someone, I know right then and there! if I don't like you romantically right then and there, I will never feel that way for that person. This is just who I am, I HATE being chased! now, that doesn't mean that if I like someone and they show me attention I don't like it! obviously when I like someone romantically I want to be showered with it, but other than that, I feel so bad to turn someone down, it always feels crappy!
I have met women in my life time that thrive on this! they know the "game" and have gotten even fake boobs out of it! ugh! I could never use someone and play with their feelings to gain material things, but I've watched it happened so many times! sometimes I used to feel awkward when I knew a girlfriend of mine didn't really like someone and was just using them for whatever they were getting out of it. Now, I always tell girlfriends.... If you don't like him, don't lead him on, that's not cool! Karma is real!
So I guess my review of this book is, if you want to learn about men and like their evolutionary behavior, then knock yourself out! read it! enjoy! learn some tricks of the trade I don't know what else to say about it! But, if you have studied human behavior or evolution or any of the likes, then I would say it might not be as an interesting read as it would be if you didn't know all these things!
At the end of the day, I don't think any man would love a bitch! I believe that a man wants to be loved just as hard as a woman does! Male emotions are very deep, very beautiful, very hard to understand and very complicated not only to themselves, but also to us women! while I understand them some times, I still don't always get them!
When I first started writing this journal almost 11 years ago, I had a little bio about myself and they made some changes at some point to blogger and my short bio disappeared. I don't even recall what it said, it was something like a mother, student, life long learner.
While I was on my flight going to Colombia and usually on any flight I get on, my iPhone and start writing. On the flight to Colombia I was thinking about my journal and how I had neglected you for a really long time and how being back on here writing felt like me and how much I love this little piece of me. So, I decided to write a bio. I just posted it on the main page but it's really long so I will have to keep working on it to make it shorter, but I wanted to put it on these pages as part of my journal page as I will need it for later referencing.
While I'm on here writing, I have to report that I've had a very weird week, as well as challenging and emotional! (shocker!). I had a really rough day the other day at work and I can't really go into details about it here, but it made me think and question whether I'm doing the right type of work or not. My heart tells me that I am, my mind tells me that I need to make changes. I also thought to myself that if by the time my granddaughter is 5 I haven't met someone and am not in a serious relationship here in CO, I will likely move back to the east coast. I know that's really sort of stupid basing such a huge decision like moving back home on my love life, but I think that if I am going to be true to myself, then that's how I am feeling right now, if in 5 years I'm still sitting here alone on my bed without anyone to love, I'm moving back home, because at least at home, I have lots of family and by then, my granddaughter will be bigger and can visit me for the summer and my son will be older and more mature and will not need me as much as he may be needing me now (for support that is and not financially, just support). Anyway, I thought about these things this week because I was having a really rough week, non of this is set in stone, but as my Psychology professor once told us, always have a 5 year plan, always be working toward something, it doesn't need to happen exactly how you planned it and always be open to changes, as humans we need a plan and a purpose.
Journal, without further a-do here is my very short bio: copied and pasted from my iPhone.
Proud mother of 3 wonderful children who are no longer kids but will always be my babies. Grandmother to a beautiful baby girl. Born in Colombia, S.A. my parents migrated to Brooklyn, NY when I was 3 and left me in Colombia with my amazing grandparents. They brought me to the states when I was 6 and I lived in Brooklyn, NY from the age of 6 until the age of 14 when we moved to Queens, NY. I attended HS first in Queens, NY then finished my HS education at an alternative HS in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Received my Bachelors in Psychology from the City University of New York, Brooklyn College. Currently I am a Social Caseworker in Colorado, working with justice involved youth. I’ve been writing journals ever since I can recall knowing how to write. I love to write. I share my life with others with the purpose and hope that whomever comes across these pages they may find something that resonates with them and with hopes that people feel that what they may experience and go through in life is not very different than what I go through. I share my feelings, struggles, ever changing love life, and thoughts to let others know that we are all so closely alike. My hope almost 11 years ago when I started this blog, was to have lots of women readers, but it turns out that I get more men readers, I am not sure why. Thank you for visiting my journal. Please feel free to leave a comment or thought, I love interacting with others and sharing ideas!
I will leave you with, one of the first rap songs I heard as a kid. Sugar Hill Gang - Rappers Delight.
I've been planning to come up with a second cuddle buddy application but I've been so tired and busy I haven't had time to really sit around give it enough thought. There isn't a lot going on to write about to be honest, lately for some reason I have been listening to a lot of R&B music and posting some of it on my snapchat story because I have to say I am really liking snapchat, it's just cool the way is set up and I enjoy all the little memes it has.
I had set up a snapchat account years ago when I first met my ex and neither he or I could get into it so neither one of us had it, then one day he had went to California (that's where he grew up) to visit his family and when he got back I see that he has snapchat and I'm like, why do you have snapchat all of a sudden? and he's like, oh I only use it to talk to my cousin from New Mexico, WELL... He was actually using it to talk to the woman he cheated on me with (fucking hoe bag) sorry journal! but that girl had a man and was cheating on her man with my man! wtf! UGH! every now and then I will see some girl that kind of sort of resembles her and I have to do a double take, like.... is that her? anyway, didn't get on here tonight to talk about that whole situation. Anywho, once he and I broke up I got snapchat again and was using it a little but now I use it more often and learned how to use it so it's fun!
Today I was posting a bunch of music I was listening to and it dawned on me that one of the people I have on there as a friend is someone that I sort of kind of had a something with, he and I still talk but just like chat here and there and today, I was like oh fuck! this dude might think I'm posting that music and it's being directed at him! One thing about him is that he SWEARS I'm crazy about him! LMFAOOOO. I don't know if he knows about this journal and if he ever comes on here and reads it, but if he ever does, I assure you journal that I'm not crazy about him. I am not crazy about anyone but myself!
I did go on a date last weekend and it was probably the worse most unhappy date ever! UGH! this is EXACTLY why I don't waste my time! like you are sitting there being all pleasant with someone you have absolutely no interest in what's so ever only because "that's what needs to happen" in order to meet someone to maybe love at some point, yea no! it's just a waste of time! after my horrid date, I went and met up with my friend D, who I love and who told me he reads you journal! and told me that he thought I had a lot of interesting stories and thinks I should definitely write a book one day! AWE!!!! I love that kid! thank you D if you are reading this! (insert smiley face here).
Anytime someone tells me they read my journal it really fills my heart with joy, because that just means that people are interested in knowing, what is going on in Jazzy's world? unfortunately lately there isn't anything to exciting to report as the dating scene has been sour! BUT, I do keep trying and I do keep chatting and I do still believe that somewhere out there, my true love is running around with all the wrong wenches!
Journal, without anything further to report, I will leave you with the song that I can't seem to stop listening too......... And it doesn't make me think of my snapchat friend, who probably thinks that I was posting it directing it at him........NOPE! if I have a song that makes me think of you, I'll send it on over! I have nothing to hide or loose!
"Dating is a lot like fishing, sometimes catch and release is the best method"
Dear Journal -
I have been so tired lately! it's been so stressful with all the work that I have and just all the pieces that need to be completed in the type of work that I do, furthermore, my work can be an emotional roller coaster, It's like I can't work without emotions because I work with youth and the more that I get to know them, the more I love them and think of them as my own, so it gets tough to try and separate. My oldest son and middle son don't want me to do this job anymore, but I feel like my work has only just began and that I have to stay in this role for some time, I am not sure for how long, but a part of me feels like I just can't move from it, because I feel that if I left and went to do something else, I would really miss these kids. Most of them are all over the place and I always tell them this.... It's ok if you feel all over the place! I'm 50 and I'm all over the place! it's how you deal with each situation that matters, it's learning how to cope that's important. I genuinely think most of these kids have love for me, they are just all so very special in their own way and I really enjoy being around them and learning from them, my favorite part is that they think they know it all, and in my head I'm always like..... if you only knew what is still to come! jeez!
Anyway, I was with one of the girls that is on my caseload the other day, and she was like, can we pick up my boyfriend? so I'm like, sure and then jokingly I'm like, but no kissing in my car! I don't need to be reminded that I haven't been kissing anyone in God knows how long at this point! so she's like fine I won't kiss in your car, but we need to find you a man! hahahahaha....she's like, are you on any dating sites? so I'm like, well I was on tinder but I got off a few weeks ago and she goes, tinder? do you not know that's a hook up site! oh my God! this kid had me laughing so hard because these kids they are just so real with me sometimes, and that is what I LOVE about my job! I love that these kids the ones that I have the pleasure of working with, they are just REAL! and even the ones that have lied to me about stuff, at some point tell me they lied to me to which I say, yea I know! I was just waiting for you to tell me the truth.
Anyway, talking to her made me laugh but also made me miss tinder kind of sort of, especially because I got so many FB page followers off of that site. I am also on some other random sites, but that one specifically got me some good following on my FB page, so many, that last month (October) I got over 200 hits on my blog, that's really good! I only write 1x a week, I basically say nothing remotely important sometimes not even entertaining, yet off my tinder I got a bunch of new FB likes which in turn creates curiosity which in turn gets people clicking on my blog (thank you by the way!). I don't know who is reading my stuff unless they tell me or unless they comment which I don't get comments, but I've gotten emails on my FB page from men that have read stuff on my blog and I've also gotten emails on tinder from men talking to me about stuff I've written which makes me feel really happy, because I think back of when I started this blog and the efforts that I put into it and I've been re-reading some of my posts and I'm like.... awe! I remember when that happened and I've also cried at some of the posts I wrote and I've also forgotten some of the things I've written so I just love you so much journal!
The thing is that being on dating sites gets exhausting and then there are the assholes that want to say things that make my blood boil and then there are the ones that live thousands of miles away talking about I will fly to you just to see you! ...... UM... YEA! OK! this girl right here will never do long distance ever again! The other thing is that everyone I match with is in Denver or like miles away and ain't nobody got time to be driving all kinds of miles to see people or I don't know, I'm just not feeling it lately, I also have been feeling very like, lazy about getting to know anyone or any of that shit, so I don't know, while part of me wants to "stay in the game" the other part of me is like, who gives a shit if anyone is reading my posts? this is MY JOURNAL! I love this journal!
In other Jazzy news, I told my friend the story of Benjamin Nunez! remember him? my inspiration for this journal? anyway, I told her the brief version of the story how I was his "stalker" except he pretty much lead me on, the whole time I "stalked him" and then how at the end when we saw each other again he said stuff like.... OH YEA, I SAW THAT! when I made a reference to something I had posted on either twitter or FB, and then how he was like..... it was SO HARD, not to respond to you! really asshole? was it hard for you to continue to play with my head with your posts? let's be honest here, we both did this to each other and the game ends now! which it did, after we took a class together for 6 or 8 weeks (can't remember) then I told her how every week during our class breaks I would run outside to central park and cry because being around him was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do! such a crazy fucking story that I swear if it weren't for my niece that witnessed the whole thing and also my ex co-worker in NY, no one would believe me and I genuinely would look like a stalker! I think in his mind and in my mind and the weird feelings we shared for each other, what we were both doing was "ok" and being around each other again after all those years, because everything started out live and direct like we knew each other in person initially, gave us the closure that we both needed to move on from that crazy story!
Now when I think back at that time in my life, I realize that I did all of it to "be in love" because being in love with someone I couldn't have, was safer than giving my love to someone "in real life" because loving was too scary! then along came my ex who broke down all my walls only to break me all over again! Fuck my life sometimes for real!
Journal, I want to leave you with, this post I wrote back in 2012 about me being a "stalker" I just re-read it and it made me cry. I still can't believe that was me! I love you journal!
