Jazzy.... The truth shall set you free!

Dear Journal -

I originally wrote this post on my phone on 3/20.  I had been meaning to post it but had not had a chance.  I went on vacation to Hawaii and it was truly lovely! It was so nice to spend some time with my two kids and really missed my oldest son who was not able to join us.  I really liked Hawaii and I may go back one day to a different Island (I went to Honolulu) but it was quite pricey.  I also have been to other beautiful islands one which is in Colombia, where I could enjoy the same type of things, but way cheaper.  Non the less, I don't regret my trip! I have wanted to go to Hawaii ever since I can remember knowing about it, which I want to say was when I was about 10 or 11 years old, that is a pretty long time! I would always say, that one day I would have my honeymoon in Hawaii! well, I didn't have a honeymoon in Hawaii, but that is ok! because I had a lovely time with the people I love most in this world!

Anyway, on Sunday, 3/20 I wrote the following post.  Let's say,  I was feeling a lot of things on that day, one of those feelings was disappointment and hurt and maybe a little deceived.  I was flooded with so many emotions, so I did what I do when I need to release all those thing, I grabbed my phone and wrote!

Sometimes you tell yourself lies to stay in situations you know aren’t right or you know that you aren’t being treated right because I don’t know, sometimes it's easier to lie to yourself than to be brutally honest with ourselves because the truth can often be pretty scary or very hurtful.  A lot of times, you see things clearly or the signs are very clear, but you can't handle the truth because you want so bad in your heart to believe that people's intentions are as genuine as yours, or that people are not out to hurt you.  While I have very serious deep trust issues (which I will be working on with my therapist) sometimes, I believe that people are out to get me and it isn't my fault and I don't do it on purpose, but in my heart and soul, this is what I believe and I cannot tell you how difficult it is to live with this constant fear and constantly talk yourself through it because it is almost an impediment to my happiness and it causes me so much anxiety and pain and it is the hardest thing to live with!

Journal, I told you I got a new therapist on my last post, I knew that I needed to work through some things and that I was really struggling, so I finally made the call and made the appointment and started my sessions.  It is also part of my love myself March! She is not just a therapist she is actually a Dr. therefore, she has expertise in certain mental health disorders, I have only met with her 2X and I can already tell that she knows her stuff! she’s pretty amazing in those two meetings, I have already gained a wealth of knowledge! 

The other day I was talking to her about a situation where I was feeling used and just felt like I wasn’t being treated the way that I wanted and deserved, not because this individual was doing anything mean or anything like that, but because I had repeatedly asked this person for one very what I thought was a simple thing and I just wasn't getting it.  I told her about the situation, I told her that there was an individual I have always been really honest and sincere with, I have always tried my best to keep this situation in a place where I can control my emotions about it (well maybe not in the beginning as I would often be pretty mean) but since the beginning of this year I had been working on trying really hard to be honest with myself as well as this person because I feel very connected to this individual.  

I guess I can say that since this person and I started to hang out together, I've always asked for the same thing over and over again, which has basically been, I need better communication between us, however, no matter in which way I have asked, my request has fallen upon death ears.  So I was telling my therapist the story and after I told her this I began to justify why maybe this person didn't communicate with me the way I wanted and as I was coming up with a million different reason why I thought this person was doing this, she stopped me and asked me, what is true about this you just told me? What is true about this situation? For a moment, I felt really sad and I had to stop for a second and hold back my tears as I had to be honest to myself and to her.  My response to her was, "the truth is, this person doesn’t care enough to do what I’m asking" and with that my heart dropped and my tears rolled down my eyes, because I had to say it out loud and that truth really hurt me! The truth is this person doesn't want to communicate with me, because there have been times that this person has no trouble doing so, but it is usually done, when this person feels like it.  I also told her that it is my experience that when someone genuinely likes you, they want to talk to you, so you don’t even have to ask for it, and yet, I’ve asked time after time and nothing ever changed. 

After having this realization and finishing my session with her I kept asking myself what is true about this situation with this person, and the more I thought about what was true the more I felt sad and the more I felt used and the more I felt deceived and the more I saw the reality that has been in front of me for months! I had just literally mentioned to this person a few days before writing this post, that this is what I needed and 3 days had gone by and I had not even gotten a "hey, how was your day" and the one time I reached out to this person because they were like, well you can reach out to me too, I barely got a response like I don't know 8 hours later maybe.  The thing is, that I know this person well enough to know now, that when this person feels like it, they respond, they reach out, but mostly it's when it's a means to an end, in other words, we are going to see each other and hang out, other than that, this person just doesn't have time for me.  So I guess, I need to remove this option from his life, because well, I am pretty darn awesome and anyone who has the privilege of partaking in my life, should want to know how I'm doing all the time, the fact that I had to keep asking for this, makes me feel so stupid! I feel like I have been begging for someone's affection, because this someone says they care about me! and I'm sure that they do care about me, I'm not saying this person is doing things on purpose to hurt me, but I think this person cares about me as a person, not in a romantic way the way I care about them.

As part of love myself March, I had told myself that I needed to not just state that I love myself but really mean it! Truly hold myself and tell myself that I’m worth it! That I’m a pretty cool woman to have around, that I’m honest and loving and caring and that I don’t play with anyone or try to be malicious or lead anyone on, I try to be true to people and myself. I feel that I did just that during the whole time that this person and I were hanging out. From day 1 I was honest. I felt that this person was not honest with me though. I’m sure this person enjoyed my company and that it was cool having me around but I don't think this person has been true to themselves or me, with their true intentions and actually, we spoke and this person called me their escape.  Yup, that is what every woman wants! to be someone's escape!  

So I finally decided that I couldn’t continue to lie to myself about something I already know.  I am not mad at this individual, but I am sad, because I feel that I have been led on by this individual for a really long time and at one point I didn't care so much, but when I'm calling someone who I'm not in a relationship with and asking them where they were as if I am owed an explanation, all of a sudden I'm my own red flag! I literally called this individual and without a thought, the words came out of my mouth and as they were coming out, all I could think of was...... WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING I MY WORLD!!!! 

This individual and I had literally had a conversation about this same exact thing not even two weeks before, where this individual apologized to me saying that we should be communicating more so that there are no like, weird feelings where I'm thinking things that are not true, like just having this mutual respect for one another because whether we are in a relationship or not, there are feelings involved and you just don't go around treating people like they don't matter! so yea, maybe I am not the right person for this individual and it is such a bummer! I have to admit I have been feeling really down about all of this, but at least now I know, what is true!

As much as my heart aches at least I am being true to myself and I am not allowing for someone to continue to play with my emotions and drag me along to continue to be their escape until which time they find whatever it is they are truly seeking for out there! to bad it wasn't me! is it their loss? is it my loss? I don't know, all I know is that it's hard to have this person in my life and maybe even harder not too! I can't make up my mind.  But I do know this, I deserve someone that knows that I'm the person they want to message everyday to see how I'm doing, I deserve to be treated with love and treated like a queen! because I am a queen! I take care of the people that matter to me, and I want to feel that I matter to someone enough for them to take care of me too! so yea journal, sad end to the month of March! 

I think for the month of April, I will continue to practice loving myself and staying true to myself, I got on dating sites again but inactivated them because one person doesn't replace another, I need to heal a little from this experience as it has taken a toll on me, I guess I can say this person was my rebound and I don't want to find a rebound to get over my rebound, that just seems ridiculous! I want to take care of Jazzy, so that if and when the right person comes along, I am not the hot mess writing this post.  

The end.....

I will leave you with...... Sia - Elastic Heart

The Weekend.....I feel it coming.....

Sent from Jazzy’s iPhone 

I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you!

 Dear journal -

The month of March has been pretty cool thus far! Work has been steady with no major crazy happenings, I've been working on my diet, I have been doing yoga and I've been working on taking care of my kid that I really have been struggling with.  I have raised two young men, but I they were pretty chill compared to my daughter! Girls are tough, especially when they have your character and drive! it's been really different and I've learned so much.

I started doing a 30 day yoga challenge called 30 days of Yoga with Adrienne on YouTube, she is a lovely woman and I really enjoy watching her yoga classes.  I tried to be consistent with the days, but I have not been able to stay consistent with the daily practice for various reasons.  I won't get into the reasons as they are not important, but basically, I feel that as long as I continue to do the practice in order even if it isn't consecutive, then at least I'm not giving up! The only one I have to prove anything to is myself so I'm not in some sort of competition where I have to prove anything to anyone. With all of that being said, it's nice to continue to try and not give up which is what I don't want.

So, what's with the title of this blog post you ask? well, let me start by saying that anytime I have been single, there has definitely been this occurrence in my life that happens over and over again and that is,  the one guy that likes you, they enjoy spending time with you, but they don't quite know what to do with you! you know that guy I am talking about right? the one that doesn't want to share you, but doesn't really want to be with you in a way that is clear that you are the person they really want to be with.  Years ago, maybe when I first started writing this journal, the same thing would often happen to me, I think back then I didn't quite get it, I guess I sort of cared but not really, but now, I think I do understand it a bit better.  What I understand, is that people are usually confused or scared or always thinking that by some miracle of God, they are going to meet some magical creature also known as a woman, who will be fulfilling their every need, except that is just a myth we all have in our minds! sometimes I feel like open relationships can be rewarding based on this idea that no one person can meet all of your needs, and therefore, being able to have more than one partner in any capacity can possibly be fulfilling.  I don't really know that I could do it as when I fall in love with someone, I am very passionate and loyal and the thought of being with anyone else automatically leaves my mind.

I recently started working with a new therapist and it has been really good! I feel like I found someone who is knowledgeable and can help me work through things that I need to in order to feel mentally well.  Our minds are so powerful, it's important to learn how to control your thoughts so that they aren't always running away with ideas and things that don't serve you well! sometimes my mind goes on tangents that I don't understand or feel that it's productive, my mind causes me to feel anxiety and so it's in those moments that I realize that working through things with someone is a healthy way of getting those thoughts out of my head and talk about them as that is what my mind needs, it needs to release things that weigh heavy on me.  I highly recommend therapy! I had been procrastinating on getting someone new, but I think I found someone that can really help me through the every day struggles of life! Everyday, is a new opportunity to get mentally healthy, every day, is a new opportunity to be ok with life, with the things we can't control, with living as best we can.

I don't have much more to share journal, so I will leave you with this...... Life is short, live it as best you can, make every moment special, make memories with the important people in your life! be grateful for the wonderful things that you have and ask for whatever your heart desires! 

Love Myself March!

 Dearest journal-

It has been way to long since I've last visited you and everyday, there is always some sort of excuse I guess, that keeps me from coming on to this page and putting down some thoughts! Sure, there is always some sort of even small event that happens in my life, but I just don't feel that the small events that have occurred in my life lately, are major enough to report and while I do want to bring news of some sort to these pages, I just don't want to bring any sort of boring news, I want them to be exciting, fun and if nothing else, amusing! 

Lately things have gone ok with life in general, I've been having tons of work which keeps me very busy and I always have plans usually every weekend because I like to enjoy life as much as I can.  Most recently, my teenage daughter and I have been learning to me ski her snowboard, it has definitely been a new exciting challenge that her and I have taken on that is super fun! I have to report that I have only fallen once and that was when I was getting off the lift because I got off wrong and ended up on the floor, other than that, we have been skiing down the beginner slopes which are always super fun! I am constantly in awe of how many people are there with their little ones teaching them how to ski! it's mind blowing to see these little ones in these tiny skis coming down a mountain! amazing!!! honestly, seeing all these little kids is one of my favorite parts about going skiing! the place I go to is very family friendly, the youngest little skier I've met so far is 2 years old!!!! 2! he barely just started walking and already in skis! cutest thing EVA!!!

So March is now here and I kept thinking that almost every month I have been trying to do something productive or at the very least find something to stick too, like for instance, in November I had decided it would be no sweets November which ended in half a month no sweets November because I failed that miserably! to my defense, it was probably the worst month to take on something like not eating sweets, as it is the month everyone is preparing for chowing down some delicious food! anyway, I don't ever get to down about not succeeding in something, what I do instead is say to myself "at least you tried!" so, I will try again on a different occasion.  The good thing is that I have done all these challenges in the past and actually followed through, it's just that lately I do lack the motivation to stick to things, I just don't want to put in so much work on things such as being mindful not to stick a piece of candy in my mouth or buy some ice cream at McDonald's which is SO GOOD! but, I will do it one of these months I PROMISE JOURNAL!

This month I decided that I wanted to do "love myself March!" so, what does that mean you ask journal? Well, for starters I have written here so many times that I am a giver, I give, give and give until I can't give no more and then I'm resentful when no one gives me, so I decided that this month instead of giving everyone else, instead, I'm going to start by giving me! giving myself some love every morning when I wake up by doing the 30 days of yoga challenge, giving myself by making all the medical appointments I constantly say I have to go on, giving myself or actually going to get myself a manicure pedicure (which I NEVER DO!) I always just do my own nails as I feel that I rather spend 60 dollars on something else because there are so many other things I can do with 60 bucks! but this month I'm going to "splurge" I will be getting a mani-pedi doing my hair, getting a facial anything I can do to take care of me! Ms. Jazzy! 

Lately I have been feeling pretty happy with life in general, I almost want to say that I attribute that to the fact that I am no longer in love! I feel this weird sense of freedom! like I've been untied from the restraints of love! Sure, love is a wonderful amazing thing with you share it with someone that is reciprocating and you have a healthy loving thing with, but if that is not the case, then it becomes like an impediment to happiness! lately I just feel so free that my heart does not belong to anyone, I feel so happy that I don't care about it anymore, that I'm not thinking about this one specific person 24/7 that I don't have to worry about someone else's life but my own.  Do I want to ever fall in love again? maybe one day I don't know, but I'm going to be very very picky as to whom I give my heart to, because I think I am pretty damn awesome and I shouldn't go around giving my heart to just anyone! I am single and am ok with it and it feels amazing and I feel amazing and it has taken me a long long time after my last break up to get to this place! so I am grateful to the universe and God!

So yes! Love Myself March is all about me! I cried to my friend the other day telling her that I had noticed that I take care of everyone and who takes care of Jazzy? absolutely NO ONE! so I have to take care of Jazzy because if I don't love myself, then who will? I love that I'm finding my center and feeling empowered and free and amazing! I can't complain journal, life is just as it should be! 

I will leave you with.....Can't stop the feeling - Justin Timberlake

The death threat!

 Dear Journal -

How the hell are you? holy shit! it's been almost 3 weeks since I've last visited you and I feel a bit ashamed! I promise I have thought about you and written journals in my head time and time again, but for some reason, it's been hard to find the actual time to sit and write and to be quite honest, there isn't anything too exciting to report, so there hasn't been anything like meaningful or big enough to share! What can I say, my life isn't that exciting!

Let's see, I finally finished reading the book why men love bitches and I really liked the ending of the book because by the ending of the book, the author talks about the things women do when they are married or in long term committed relationships that really start to turn their man off or sort of makes that relationship like I don't know, start to look like a mother child type relationship if that makes sense.  I really enjoyed reading about this because I never thought of it that way, like she talks about how our nagging starts to make us look motherly and therefore no longer attractive to our significant other! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! I never want that to happen to me in some future relationship! so note to self, no nagging in the future! When I wrote about the book I had not finished it and I was a little bitter about the games she suggests we need to play, but in reality, as hard as you try not to play games you end up having to because men just really love them! they say they don't, but they really do and that is all I'm going to say about that!

Last Friday was my exe's bday, I tried really hard all day long not to think about it and then at like 7 or 8 o'clock, I did what I had told myself I wouldn't do, I finally sent him a message and all it said was.... Happy Bday.  I know that it doesn't seem like much or anything wrong with it, but I wished him well although on my bday his message to me was "I hope you die bitch" I don't want to really expose much of him on here because it isn't my place to talk badly about another human being, but I just want to say that he was not like this at all when I met him and I never ever thought that in the end of it all, he would turn into such a vicious angry toward me person, you would think I did something horrible to him like cheat on him for months with his best friend or something crazy like that.  Actually in the end he sort of left me so I just want to say on here journal that if I am ever in a relationship again, I hope to be with someone that understands that I want to write about us on my journal because I think it will be important to not only write about the bad things but also write about the good! Like for instance, my ex was a very thoughtful gift giver, he always gave me really nice things and had a reason behind what he gave me and I promise you that he isn't a bad person and no matter what mean shit he says about me now and no matter how much it still hurts me that he does, I will never sit here and write horrible things about another human being, I just don't know how to do that!

Anyway, I woke up this morning to a message from a mutual friend of ours, telling me that he had spoken to my ex and that my ex had said "if I ever see that bitch I will kill her" What the actual fuck! he also said a bunch of other mean things that I won't bother writing about, but when I read that stuff I tried to really not care about it, but later on while I was driving I couldn't help but to cry because the truth is that sticks and stones will break my bones but I rather a broken bone than those mean words that come out of his mouth toward me.  I am not scared that he would actually kill me, but would he? I mean he lives in another state so I'm not to worried but WOW! how can so much love turn to so much hate? Our mutual friend actually defended me and told him that he was going to far saying that stuff and his responds was something to the affect of fuck that narcissistic bitch! now there is something I've never been called before! That is definitely a first!

Journal, his words truly hurt me deeply but there is good to all of this and that is that I don't think I am in love with him anymore which feels very freeing! for the first time in a long time I just don't feel any sort of deep emotions for anyone at all and sure I do like someone romantically actually I like two men romantically, but there is a big difference between like and like a lot or love! Like I feel free from the constraints of having romantic feelings toward anyone and my fear of ever loving again or getting emotionally attached to anyone is only growing by the day and I just feel so happy and free in the sense that nothing anyone does will affect me, I'm busy doing me! and I am busy taking care of mine and I don't have time to invest in people that don't have time to invest in me.  

One thing I am learning is that I'm such a giver and holding back is really hard for me however I've been doing really good with that, and I am really proud of myself for it, like I won't give until I receive and I am not only talking about material things, actually I'm not talking about material things at all, I'm talking about my energy, my time, my emotions, my affection.  I wait to receive and then I give and that is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, but there comes a time when you just have to step back and watch people's actions and pay attention to their intentions and really think about who you are giving yourself too.  What I have seen is that no one at the moment is worthy of my love, no one at the moment is showing me anything that I want to see, no one at the moment is even close to getting all of me and that's ok, because I'm not desperately seeking to give it to anyone anyway!

I got off of dating sites but plan to get back on them soon, I just needed a break from liars and users and fakes and people that just suck my energy! but I have to get back on them for you journal, because you are worth it!

Ta ta!

I will leave you with.... Halsey - Without Me....

What's your DASH?

 

What is your dash?

1/25/22

Dear Journal, I wrote the blog post below on my flight to Miami on Friday, January 21st.  I always write a post on my flights when I'm going somewhere! anyway, I let my daughter read it after I wrote it and she was not too happy about my ending, because she said I was "jinxing the flight" I told her that you have to take chances and write things to make things exciting! I also know I will die an old lady on my bed and by old I mean nearing my 100 years old! So I'm not tripping!

I got off the tinder app, I was starting to feel overwhelmed and truly depressed by talking to a bunch of random dudes that are all looking for the same thing, it felt like I was talking to the same man over and over again no matter what the age was! I felt like I needed a break to be honest, I've been hustling trying to get FB page likes for a while and it feels like a lot of work, and I've matched with over a thousand men and the most depressing part about the whole thing was that not even ONE caught my attention in any meaningful way! like I said, it felt like I was talking to the same man over and over again! I need a break but I shall return eventually! without further a do.... below is my blog post.

Dear Journal -

A few months ago we were doing a class for youth regarding gun violence. As part of the class, we had different people present specifically about their experiences with gun violence and one of the individuals talked about his jail time and how that had changed him forever. This individual had been in and out of jail and then prison from the time he was 13 or so, at present he is in his late 30’s and finally decided that he wanted to turn his life around. While he was talking about his experiences he said that when he is gone from this world, he wants to leave it better not worse and so he had decided to change “his dash.”

I’ve heard this expression before, the expression “what will be your dash.” The dash refers to your life, when we die, our tomb stone typically has date of birth a dash and date of death. The dash are all the years in between, our lives.

When I was very young I feared death tremendously, the thought of it was terrifying! I was even more fearful about it when my kids were small because I would always think, if I left them now, who would care for them and love them the way that I do! As my kids have gotten older, my fear has also lessened, mainly because I don’t fear leaving them anymore, meaning they can all pretty much care for themselves at the very least able to specify their basic needs.

But, what is my dash? How would I describe myself if I were in a room full of people talking about Jazzy! Who am I? Some days I know exactly who I am, what I want and where I want to be, and others…. No clue! Why is it so hard for one to make decisions, is it just me? Am I the only human that struggles back and forth about so many different things. I try to live as present as possible and try and catch myself when I find my mind drifting to a distant future I know nothing about, sometimes I feel reckless and uncaring, other I feel centered, loving and caring. It’s so hard to really sum my life up in one blog post, but one thing I can say about my dash is this….

For the most part I’ve lived pretty fearlessly, I’ve lived my life the best that I can. I’ve been through so much and have learned so much in the process, I believe that growth is a never ending thing and that everyone who crosses your path has a reason why they crossed it! This can be friends, lovers and anyone you sit next to somewhere one day randomly and have some sort of meaningful conversation with, you can also learn from. I hate people for the most part but love them even more! Everyone is living an internal struggle! Even those that look like they have it all put together there is some shit going on inside them they just know how to play it off right!

I’ve lived in different states and even a different country and humans are fundamentally the same. Everyone wants to be acknowledged, respected and loved! Life is really hard but there are always memorable moments that make it so worth living!

So, what is my dash? Thus far, my dash is that if I die today during this landing in Miami, I’ve lived and loved with so much fear but non at all! I give my all and always try to do my best…. That’s all I have for you journal! I hope that when the day comes where someone is readying what they wrote about me, and about my dash, they will find fun, funny and happy memories about my dash!

I leave you with..... Stevie Wonder - I just called to say I love you....

No email, no call, no txt no nothing!

 Dear Journal -

Just when you think you are free and the pain is gone, you wake up one morning looking at your phone wondering when that message will come! at this point I don't even know what I want the message to say, but I just wonder if it will ever come at all.  I then try to understand why after all this time, I'm still waiting for something like magical to happen or like some I don't know event that will change it all and yet it doesn't happen, nothing has happened, nothing will happen because he's my past and I need to let it go!

Last night I was reminded of the true events of my last relationship, I was reminded that I didn't do anything wrong and that I didn't have anything to regret, that I had done the right thing! I think I am stuck in this place called first impressions! When we meet someone for the first time in any sort of capacity in our lives, our machines also known as our brains, start to look for other things that are like this person in front of us so that it can make sense of it, we compartmentalize things in different categories so that we always have like a reference guide to make sense of things.  That is called the first impression, that instant when you make a decision about a person that you truly know nothing about, but has made some sort of impression on you whether it's good or bad it's made.  I am stuck on all the first impressions from the person that I thought I was over but clearly still love, I can't stop thinking of all the good and I feel stuck because for a long time I couldn't stop thinking of all the bad! I thought of all the bad so that I could let him go and move on, but the more I meet new people, the more I get to know people, the more I'm convinced that I will never feel the way I did about him for anyone else, like his shoes are hard to fill! My first impression of him is my standard and the standard is pretty high!

Sure he wasn't perfect, but he made me feel like I was, I don't think any man has ever made me feel as wanted and needed and loved the way he did, sometimes part of me feels like I was a little obsessed with him, because I always felt that I could never get enough of him and like he couldn't get enough of me! I remember there were times that I would look out the window a million times waiting for him to come home and then when I would see the lights from his car reflect in my apartment (our parking spot was right in front of our door) I would run to the door and wait for him so I could jump on him and shower him with my love! No fear! I could give him me with no fear! now, I fear every single decision about anything that has to do with a man.  Every time I want to do something nice for someone I question it and hold back and it's always this like battle inside of me like.... Well, what has this person done for you to go and give them you? It's pretty depressing to be honest and I just don't know how I will ever be ok and open to give anyone me again!

The worst thing is that other days I'm like..... I am going to give without fear! but that is far from the truth and everything I give takes a lot of effort and a lot of anxiety! I don't have the capacity to create a new future in my mind with anyone but myself, so that is what I need to do, continue to be by myself, keep taking care of me and my emotions and my health and forget about it all and just truly let go, because I feel like doing that will allow the right person to come into my life! Because all that comes into my life is just as or if not more broken than I am! which makes me even more confused more anxious and more scared!  If the right person stepped into my life tomorrow, I would likely fuck it all up, because this hot mess right here right now, I don't think anyone can handle!

So every night before I go to sleep, I look at my phone and check my email and look for his name, but it's never there and I miss him so much! and I won't write because I will likely not get a response, but I miss him so much, because I'm stuck in this time capsule of the beginning when he treated me like a queen, when I was everything to him, and now I might no longer exist in his memory but here I am typing this journal and crying like a baby.  I feel so down and the fact that people never seem to know what they want with me, makes me even more down and makes me more depressed because I don't want to be in this place again, this place of uncertainty of not knowing where I stand in people's lives.  This place where everything is scary! why did it have to be this way journal? why?

No emails, no calls, no texts, no nothing!

The other day I saw him!!!!

 Dear journal -

The man from B5 made me laugh made me cry! Tall with dark hair and a dark shadow beard oh my! musically inclined, smart, funny, mesmerizing, Jewish Italian, only 5 years younger.  Yup that was him, the one that got away! Sometimes I wonder if he ever visits you journal, like has he ever thought about me since the last time we saw each other at the night club in Manhattan where he was a DJ on the weekends? What happened to the man from B5?

I was wondering about him the other day and I looked up his brother on Facebook, now here is the thing journal, I don't usually look at anyone's profile I try not to get into those habits of obsessing over anyone's social media, because at the end of the day, a lot of it is just bull shit! do you know how many times I've posted a picture and looked really happy but inside my heart was breaking? or how many times I posted something that came up somewhere only because in that moment I posted it I was thinking about something and it was relevant? in the end, if I want to know about someone truly, I reach out and say hello! I mean that is, if the person is still my friend or if I'm still comfortable talking to them.  But here is the thing, a few years ago, I would say probably about 5 years ago, I sent the man from B5 let's call him Wilferm (that's the name he had said I could use on my blog when writing about him) so I sent him a txt and he never till this day, responded.  In that moment I knew he didn't want to have anything to do with me, even though at that point I had not even talked to him in a really long time and I was just saying hello because it had been a while and I was wondering about him.

He and I never really dated, we were just friends, actually we slept together maybe 2x if that, actually the second time I slept with him, I had a panic attack and ran out of his house, it was the craziest thing that had ever happened to me, I had a panic attack because back then I was a commitment phoebe and I got so scared about the way I felt about him during sex, that I had to stop couldn't breath and literally ran out with half my cloths in my hand! (do you think that's what scared him about me?) this is a true story I swear it! we lived in the same building, him on the second floor me on the 6th literally the same row of apartments just different floors, anywho, after that obviously things became super awkward and to my unfortunate luck, one morning I saw him leaving the building with another woman and that was shitty to see! because I was never in love with him, but I really really really really liked him A LOT! 

Before our story ended, he once told me that he never wanted to be the reason why someone wouldn't do something they really wanted to do and the translation to that was, "Jazzy you have plans on moving to Colorado and I would never want to be the reason why you don't go!" maybe that is just something I thought he meant, but it was a really strange story that he and I shared because I would have never came to Colorado if he would have given us the opportunity to be something more.  I once saw him with his mom outside of the building and I remember thinking, damn, I wish I could meet her! as I write this my heart aches a little, he was definitely sort of everything I never knew I always wanted, but you know how life goes journal, sometimes you just don't get what you want!

So I'm writing about this now because the other day when I wrote my post about marriage, I thought to myself, if there was anyone that I could choose to marry right now, who would that be? and immediately he came to my mind! I think about him randomly not consistently but like if something happens and I don't know I'm thinking about men or Brooklyn or just random stuff, he will come to mind.  One day, I told him that I had found his brother on FB and that I had seen his whole family and he was all upset about it and I was like...... It's not like I'm stalking you, I'm telling you about it, why do people get all crazy about stupid shit like that? that's why people are on social media, if you don't want anyone to know anything about you, then you shouldn't be on it! and that is just the thing journal, this man does not have any social media at all, the only thing he has is LinkedIn because it's a professional site, but other than that, he is but a ghost in this world wide web!

However, his family has Facebook and ever so often I would look up his brother to see if maybe for some strange reason, there was a picture of him or something, I missed him! about a week ago I was thinking about him and I looked up the brother and then the mother and when I went to his mom's page, there HE WAS! a perfect picture of my Wilferm! OMG! he is still as handsome as I remember! I kept thinking hey! how are you? and I stared at the picture for a while and yearned to talk to him! I missed him so much! and wondered why he thought it was best never to talk to me again? I can't believe how great he looked, and to the masses I bet he's nothing special but to me, I had to sit there and stare at that picture and wonder, because the man in B5 who made me laugh and made me cry, never spoke to Jazzy again!(insert sad face here).

I wrote the poem below for him right before I moved to Colorado, because he said that one day he would visit me! he did come to Denver once, but he didn't let me know he did until after the fact, what about me made him feel that we couldn't be friends? I never understand men!

The man from B5
By: Jazzy
Originally written on July 3, 2013
The man in B5, made me laugh, made me cry...
And on that last night there could be no good bye.  For those last hours were spent there with me, it was almost as if life had just made it be. 
And on that last night through little white lies a promise was made.  That one day he'd go and spend time with me there, and that on that day it would be a grand big affair! That we would walk, we would laugh as only we do! down the road up the hill, over the mountains, we'd see, the wonderful natural beauty of God, the breath taking planes, and the wonderful sky! And oh my goodness what is that which we see? It's that sort of tree oh this place is for me! 
And hours will come and hours will go, Just him and just I, us sing and us dance! I'll ruffle his feathers and keep him together.  He'll keep me from dreaming and being a fool.  Together we'll smile it will last for a while, together at last together we'll be, together at last just he and just me.  
And we both will tell truths and we both will tell lies, and we both will not know why we once said goodbye! Oh boy one more time I will have him near! and he won't remember that what I said was clear, that dreams do come true remember please dear! that I held him, I smelled him and kissed his soft lips.  
And then I'll remember how on that last nigh he hugged me real tight and it felt just so right! together in my memory we'll be! the man from B5, just he and just me!
I will leave you with..... Michael Jackson - Rock with you

You talk about marriage ALOT!

 Dear Journal -

It is 2022 and that means that it is a new year and a new opportunity to be great! or at least, tell yourself that you are stronger than you think! well, at least that's what I tell myself! I have had you for 11 years now! I never thought that 11 years later I would still be here, writing these words that mean nothing to some, but everything to me.

So I have a little story to tell you journal.  The other day I was talking to someone and he told me that he felt that I talked about marriage a lot, when he told me this, I was really taken aback, like HOLY SHIT DUDE! I talk about a ton of shit but all you ever heard was me telling you that one day I want to get married? that's crazy! This comment definitely made me realize that men have selective listening or that they only pick up subtle cues of what a woman is telling them or only hear what they want to.  Immediately when he told me that I found myself defending myself and telling him that the reason why I talked about marriage so much lately or I guess since I met him, is because I was supposed to be married right now, I was engaged and instead of getting married we broke up and that was really hard for me, I never thought that I would be naked on a bed with another man explaining to him why I spoke about marriage so much! I thought that I would be naked with one man only for the rest of my life!

After I had this conversation with him, it left me thinking about marriage and why was it that I was talking about it so much, like even when I was with my good friends this past summer, I told them that one day I would like to get married again, immediately, two of the three, the two that aren't married, told me they would never get married, that was far from their mind.  I told them, that it made me sad that people felt this way these days, like everyone walks around with this fear of the most normal thing that can happen between two people that love, honor and respect one another.  But maybe, the problem is that no one loves, honors or respects anyone these days, everyone is all about open relationships, open marriages and this world just seems chaotic and crazy, love rarely exists anymore.  What happened to love? why is everyone always so scared?

Logically I had to sit down and do some real soul searching, was I thinking about marriage because I was supposed to get married and didn't, or was I thinking about marriage because I want a life partner, or was I thinking about marriage because that is what deep in my heart I truly want? After lots of thought, I realized this.  When I first met my ex fiancé, I had been divorced for about 7 years at the time.  He was a lot younger than I am, so honestly I never even thought I would love him, let alone imaging marrying him one day! when I met him, although I thought I was this happy woman that had it all figured out because I had been single for so long that I had single down pack! I didn't need ANYONE! then along he came, I remember always being like.... I will NEVER get married FUCK THAT! I literally would tell him this! at the time, he would just stay quiet and never really said much about it, yet unbeknownst to me, he had his own plan, and maybe at the time that plan didn't include me, but part of his plan was that he wanted to be married by the time he was 30.  

Thinking back at all of this, it makes sense that he had these plans.  He grew up in a loving home with two parents that loved each other and had been married for over 30 years, he grew up in an environment where marriage was OK where marriage was encouraged and marriage was thought of as a wonderful thing.  Actually, his mom once asked me why weren't we married? when she asked me I was so shaken up, I almost didn't know what to answer! by this time, he and I had been living together for over 2 years, so the question made perfect sense.  Meanwhile, here I was the bitter about marriage bitch, talking about.... I will NEVER get married.  I loved him more than life and I couldn't fathom the thought of him not being in my life! yet the thought of marriage was still the furthest thing from my mind, I was still like...FUCK THAT! but why? why was I so bitter? I now realize that I was so bitter  because I was allowing past bad experiences dictate my future! Because I had never truly healed from those bad experiences. Why do we all do this? why is life so scary?

As time started passing and I started falling in love with him more and more each day, and we started building a home together, all of a sudden things in my mind began to change, all of a sudden, love was an amazing thing again, he showed me what it looks like when a man loves a woman, truly loves a woman, he loved me and took care of me and always had my back.  On another occasion, we had broken up for about 2 months, he even left the state when we did.  I was completely devastated and yet, somehow we found our way back to each other, when he came back home, he was like.... Maybe we should get engaged or something, at that time, I was still like.... WTF! why do we need to do that? still, the bitter bitch couldn't fathom the thought of marriage.  Someway some how, as time continued to go on the more I loved him the more I started to paint a picture in my mind of the idea of marriage.   Then finally I told him that I would be ok with marrying him.  It took him 4 years to make me believe that marriage was wonderful and that with the right person, you could build a world that only the two of you would share! granted, my story ended with a break up instead of a wedding, but he left behind a believer, a believer in love and a believer that I deserve all of that, marriage all of it! and that I don't or won't apologize for it and that I shouldn't have to and that if people are to scared to be happy that's not my problem! 

So I guess where I'm at now with the marriage topic is this.  I am not on the "hunt" for a husband, I told my friend the other day that in my life I had been engaged 4x and married 2x and while non of it was successful, I didn't care, because if I die tomorrow, I already did all of that.  But the point is, that to me marriage is a lot more than a piece of paper, I always think of marriage the way my two gay friends who's wedding I officiated but not really (they are not legally married) got "married." They love one another and in front of the people they love, they shared vows with each other to tell the world that they were devoted to one another, that they would be there for each other in sickness and in health, in good times and bad times until death do's them part! I LOVE THAT! why don't I deserve a wonderful man that will want to love, honor and respect me for as long as he lives? why should I be bitter about marriage ever again? My new attitude about marriage is not that I need it and I'm in the "hunt" is more so that I'm OPENED to it and not a bitter bitch because other people in my past hurt me! on the flip side, if I love someone and he is showing me all of these things and to him it means a lot that we don't get married then I won't really care much about it either, because to me, it's about the commitment not so much the actual marriage part of it.  My ex came into my life not having as many life experiences as I did and he taught me or rather, he reminded me that love is a wonderful thing, that knowing someone has your back is the best feeling in the world, that taking care of someone you love fills you, that it's ok to be alone, but that it's better to be in good company.

So I tell you journal, I don't know what my future holds and I don't know if I will ever sit here and write the story of the little wedding I had in XYZ place and I don't know if I will ever write my love story on my blog because I don't know if I will have one again, but I do know this, I am OPENED to all the possibilities because I am no longer a bitter bitch, I am no longer afraid to love and be loved again, I will NOT ALLOW bad experiences to continue to shape me, because why should I? There are still wonderful men out there, I know a TON of them, most of my friends are male and I see them yearning love, just like us women, so why is it that talking about marriage is such a scary thing for men? why is it that when a women mentions that, maybe just in passing, that's all they hear? 

This man that told me that I talk about marriage a lot, when I told him this, I was having a conversation with him, I never in a million years was thinking or saying.... Damn I want to marry you! like when I initially told him this, I barely even knew him! so why in the WORLD would this be the ONLY thing, this man heard? and furthermore, why should I care if me mentioning that scared him away? if that is all you are hearing, than you clearly don't pay attention! like what the fuck! 

I guess, note to self, don't EVER mention the M word, to someone you are sleeping with, because apparently that means to them that you are trying to "land them" dude, unless you are a surgeon with homes all over the country making millions and saving lives, ain't nobody trying to land shit! all these losers I meet need to calm the fuck down, because I deserve the world, any man would be so lucky to have the privilege and pleasure of having my love.  It took me forever to realize my self worth, but now that I know it, I won't go around giving my love so easy, so again, unless you are a millionaire who can take care of me and I don't ever have to lift a finger again, will have my own chauffer, private jet and all the designer cloths my heart desires, you are probably safe! you are GOOD! because Jazzy ain't trying to marry just anyone, I'm not out here trying to hunt me a husband! laugh my fucking ass off! hilarious!

I will leave you with... TLC - No Scrub....

The secret crush!

 Dear Journal -

Hi! Can I just say that I've been thinking a whole lot about you as of late? I sure have! I always think about what I need to write to you about next, and I mentally prepare my journal entry and think it through and then when I finally get to it, it never quite comes through the way I intended! So, on 12/22/21 you turned 11 years old journal! 11! wow! that's a long time ago! I never imagined 11 years ago that I would still have you or would still be telling my story to you and I definitely never thought that I would sort of be re-living certain situations! sometimes, my life feels like deja vu! It feels that way sometimes because no matter how old you are, if you are single, the same games are being played just different players are involved.  So, that is why journal I decided to be just like I was 11  years ago, I decided to do what I am really good at, which is "turning off my humanity" let me explain!

One of my favorite shows is the vampire diaries, I randomly will watch an episode and be like.... OH SHIT! I forgot about that! I absolutely LOVE vampires! their passion, their desires, their immortality! sure, we all typically live most of our lives in some sort of emotional chaos in my opinion and that is what being a vampire is like! so MANY EMOTIONS! in the show, when a vampire "turns off their humanity" what they basically do, is just shut down! so instead of their feelings being heightened, they tap into their "beast side" and become ruthless! That's what I've done lately! not really the ruthless part, mainly just letting go of things that hurt me and just pretty much shutting down.  I have absolutely NO desire to care for anyone and this is all inclusive family, friends and to be completely honest, not even my children!

I know this all sounds pretty fucked up, but I had to do this for my self love, I had to really take a look at people's roles in my life and consider, what if any, value or let me not use the term value as every human is valuable, but just what exactly I was giving and what exactly I was getting and if I was giving more, then why was I doing that? again, this includes my kids. Why do you ask I did this journal? well, when I think of me and my self love, I wonder, how can I love myself if I'm allowing others to walk all over me? How can I take care of my health and mental well being, if I let people treat me how ever they feel like it and why do I feel like these obligations to people when in reality no ONE, not even my children do anything for me? what about Jazzy? So when I shut down all of a sudden everything became very clear to me and I started to really take control of my life, including my work life which was taking a HUGE toll on me, I had to really think through what was important and what were my true obligations and that's how I shut down my humanity, I became a little selfish and a lot of peaceful!

I've been feeling really really good lately! I feel this sense of inner peace and freedom! I talk to those who I feel are people that truly care for me and that have  been there when I've needed someone to just hear me out, or when I needed to cry or when I needed to vent, there is less than a handful of people I can truly say I count on! As far as my kids, I had a conversation with them each and told them how I felt and the role they played in it all and well the only one that doesn't get it and I don't intend that she will for many years to come, is my teenage daughter, whom is really the ONLY one I still have an obligation to.  Other than that, I am on my own and I'm ok with that, because I rather be alone than in bad company or company that is not really serving my soul.

So, why the secret crush title you ask journal? well, this little tiny story that I'm about to tell you started around 6 years ago when I used to work at the shelter.  Part of my role there was to attend court some Monday's to pick up protection orders that were usually given out to victims of domestic violence.  Everyone at the shelter would always bitch and complain about the judge that was there weekly, but me on the other hand, when I firs saw him I was like.... WELL HELLO JUDGE! I thought he was sort of handsome, but mainly I was in awe about just the fact that he had all this power over everyone in his court room, basically, I was crushing over his power! because let's be honest here journal, what woman doesn't want a man in power? I've always had a thing for men in power, I don't know, it's something about well, their power that turns me on I guess! so, whenever someone would talk about this said judge, the sentence to follow would be like, XYZ, Jazzy's man! I have absolutely NO IDEA at which point he became "my man" but I wasn't going to complain about that comment, who am I to be upset about him being my man? fuck yea he was "my man" in my dreams! HA! truly though, I never like lusted over him, like I never sat around and imagined myself rolling around a bed with him, it wasn't that sort of crush, it was more so well... he was a man in power!

I eventually left that position moved to Oregon lived my life never ever again remembered the "Jazzy's man story" until I started my new position! so fast forward to summer of 2020, I start my new position and I'm told that as part of my role, I have to attend court, I'm like oh cool, I used to do that before, I'm also told I will be attending weekly meetings with one of the judges from the court so I'm like oh cool! so, I am ready to take notes for my very first meeting with said judge and when he comes on the call "it was virtual due to covid" my mouth drops and I'm like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! it's HIM! "MY MAN!" I automatically blushed even though there was not one soul in the room with me, just me in my living room on this call, so I same time my co-worker and tell her about this story and she's like OMG that is so hilarious! Needless to say word gets out on my team that well, he's "MY MAN" and the joke starts all over again, however, this time things are way different, I find out that he's happily married and I hear all these great things about him, so now I'm like WOW! not ONLY is he a "man in power" but in "real life" he's freaking awesome! now I'm sitting in these weekly meetings with him scared to death to open my mouth and when I have to speak I'm so freaking scared and feel so awkward, this man makes me feel like NO OTHER MAN DOES! but it's not sexual it's more like admiration or I don't know, the fact that "HE HAS POWER!" it's pretty insane! 

Then, the jokes with co-workers start and again I don't mind, you can call him my man all you want, we joke about how we think he "secretly says little things that are directed at me" which in reality he NEVER DOES! but, I have to communicate with him ore often, I have to write him letters and one day he sends me a message asking me for a reference, which that's all I'll say about that but I'm like holy shit this is so crazy! then the "crush" starts to fade and now I think of him more so with admiration because he truly cares about the community he serves and is so extremely smart and caring and really funny! and finally I tell people well I did used to "crush" on him, but now I just love him he's awesome!

But, the reason why I wanted to write this post was because something really awesome happened a few weeks ago that made me feel really good! So we are at court, he usually confuses me for moms, or someone else, he's constantly apologizing for doing so, but a few weeks ago, he's talking about an issue and then he says my name!!! MY REAL NAME! and I was like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! he knows me now! ok, I'm sorry! but hell yes I'm happy about that! this means that he admires my work, that he values my work and that he knows my role.  He knows all the people on my team so for him to finally know me meant a great deal to me.  I was super touched and I may have blushed under my mask and after I messaged my co-worker and said... YOU SEE! he loves me too! hahahahaha..... 

Journal, I believe that it's good to have something to laugh about even if sometimes you are the "butt" of the joke! one day, when I leave my role, I will likely send him this post, because I want him to know how much admiration I've had for him for all these years! 

I'll leave you with.... The Jets - Crush on you!

The silent treatment the vicious bitch!

 Dear Journal -

I really want to stick to my weekly journal posts, my blog has been getting more views and I love that! I really really wish that I got more female followers, I started writing this blog wanting it to be directed at women, but I think I get more males reading my journal than females and I don't know this because the stats tell me so, I think this because since I've been "soliciting" om Tinder, I've gotten a lot of new FB page likes, and they are all from males.  I need to start looking for women sites where I can post my blog link.  I hope that someone can read something on here that resonates with them or that makes them feel like.... OH WOW, that happens to me too! the point of my journal is not really to tell my story, it's more so to tell others that we are all sort of kind of the same and we all go through shit and it's ok, that's life!  

Speaking of Tinder, the other day my friend sent me a screen shot of this woman going off on him because he had emailed her and his message simply said "cream pie?" so, the woman went off on him and he writes back to her and is like... What, you don't like cream pies? HA! he's so silly! we constantly laugh about Tinder shenanigan's because most of the time it's so ridiculous on that site.  Anyway, I wasn't even sure what "cream pie" was, I thought it had a completely different meaning than it does, which was hilarious! I told my friend what I thought it meant and he sent me the right "definition" and I was like OMG! I can't believe at my age I don't know such things! 

I get the impression that sometimes people think that I'm like this I don't know, like, sexual person who is constantly ready to bang anything that moves or constantly getting laid, and that is so far from the truth.  I don't want to write too much about my sexuality until I write my book, but I'm going to say this; yes of course I love to have sex, who doesn't? however, to me, sex is more about quality not quantity.  Lately, having sex is like this HUGE task for it to happen in my life that I decided to shut my sexuality down so I literally just try not to think about anyone or anything related to sex.  I've done this before in my life and when I do, life is just easier.  Celibacy is good for ones soul, I'm pretty much done trying to "have a sex partner."

When my ex and I broke up it was really hard for me at first no longer having a consistent sex partner and for a long time that's what I was looking for, I just wanted someone who respects me and vice versa, but that is always almost harder than trying to find a boyfriend, wtf! you would think sex is simple, but it never is.  During the summer I would be like, I almost just want a boyfriend so I don't have to like "find" someone to have as a sex partner, because doing that has been a fucking shit show, not the first time in my life I've been in this situation, it always goes down this way, mainly because people are not clear with their intentions or they lead you on and or emotions get involved, it's just never easy.  So for now, farewell sex, till we meet again!

Anyway, I wanted to write today about a subject that I have been thinking about writing for a very long time but I never get around to.  To be honest writing about it causes me a little bit of anxiety, but I think it is something that needs to be on my journal because well, not to long ago I did something that after I did it, I felt shitty for doing it.  Basically I went off on someone and "told him about himself" because I felt really hurt by this person and he did something to me that just really pushed my buttons and then the next thing you know I was being verbally abusive to him.  No, I did not curse at him, I just said really mean things that while they were probably true, it was the way I said them that was really shitty.  

After the fact, he never responded to me again, or he did but then I responded back and then I don't know what happened or I guess I do know what happened I was well, verbally abusive and told him I no longer wanted to be friends with him, so instead of us talking about all of this like two adults, he started to ignore me which then made me feel like in the end, I was the "bad guy" when in reality, I had went off because of his behavior toward me.  After, I was thinking about the whole situation and how he and I have behaved toward each other and that's what made me start thinking about the cycle of abuse. especially because this was not the first time that things between him and I had went down this way.  Since I've known him, it's always been the same story, he does something shitty, I go off and he stops talking to me for whatever amount of time.  He comes back around, we start hanging out again and the cycle repeats itself.  While he and I are not in an intimate relationship or dating or anything like that, our for la ack of a better term "friendship" usually ends in me saying mean shit and me being the "bad guy." 

I worked in domestic violence for 3 years of my life, I always try to check myself in situations that feel weird like that.  It feels like a "cycle of abuse" because I'm verbally abusive to him and he is mentally abusive toward me.  Why do you ask? well, ignoring someone is a form of abuse even if people don't want to accept or admit that it is.  When you ignore someone, you are leaving that person to wonder and think and try and figure out what happened? and while to me, someone not saying anything is everything, that is not the case with everyone.  I also do understand that some people shut down when they don't like the way they are being treated, but shutting down for a day or two is very different than completely ignoring someone after an incident between the two.  With regard to this person, after I realized that what I did was really shitty, I felt like I needed to apologize which in turn almost made it seem like he did nothing wrong and I was a bitch and when he ignored me, I realized that whatever he does to me, just shows me his level of maturity and confirms that maybe my idea about who he is as a person is true.  Regardless, what I never understand is why aren't people mature enough to just tell you how they feel about something you did to them and vice-versa.  I believe all people are abusive to a certain extent, I become a vicious bitch when I feel disrespected in some way, when someone hurts me or I feel used.  But is this really abuse or is it bad communication?

There are many forms of domestic violence, I worked with intimate partner violence.  I would have to do phone screenings of people that were homeless due to domestic violence, I say people because the shelter I worked for, took in men and women.  I would have to screen the callers, to figure out if they were eligible to stay at the shelter, based on what the caller was telling me.  While that was really hard to do, the main thing I would always have to remember was, is this persons intimate partner, having "power and control" over this person calling for help.  

Most times, I would hear stories such as the one I just wrote with regards to this person that has been in my life and I've been "abusive" to and vice versa. I would hear women/men say, he/she ignores me, he/she leaves all upset and doesn't talk to me for days, he/she curses me out and talks to other people about me, this person shoved me the other day while we were having an argument.  While all those examples are examples of abusive behavior, that is not having power and control over an intimate partner.

Power and control is when you literally have fear of doing something because the person you are with will be so upset that they will physically harm you, won't let you out of your house, makes you cut communication with your loved ones, you are no longer allowed to have friends, this person has access to all your personal information where you don't have your own privacy, when you are out with this person this person is watching you like a hawk to see what you are looking at and there is a fear for your life, your well being, you are gaslighted which basically means that this person makes you question everything about yourself and your actions and they blame you for everything and call you crazy and you start to question if you really are making any sense.  Domestic violence is not only between intimate partners, domestic violence can be between parents and kids, others in the family etc.  But basically, true domestic violence is someone else having power and control over you.

In the US, 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner.  

If you need help because you read this post and you feel that you are in an abusive relationship, please get help.  You are NOT alone. 

Call - 1-800-799-7233 or Website - National Domestic Violence page - https://ncadv.org/get-help 

Heavy topic! I will leave you with........ Frozen - Madonna

Friends or Benefits?

 Dear journal -

I feel like I have so much to say but nothing at all at the same time! It's been an interesting last few weeks in my life, I feel very disconnected from people and I also feel very connected to a few people, it's been interesting to sort of figure out who means something to me, who cares about me and who was just passing through.  I realize that people come and go from our lives and my whole life I've been very social and know so many people, but I don't really get close to many, my circle is very tiny and it mainly consists of people I've known for many many years.  My dearest friends are far away, yet they mean the world to me.  Time and time again when I've needed them it's literally only been a txt, email or phone call away and there they are ready to be there for me, I feel really loved by some people I genuinely do, It's a blessing to know that there are people out there that really genuinely care about you.

Tonight I want to write about my friend D! he's become someone very special to me in the weirdest way ever! some days, I am confused about my feelings for him, because they go from romantic to platonic all the time! sometimes I get mad at myself for ever even considering romantic feelings for him, but then he will do something that is so special that I'm like, well.... How can you blame a girl? sure, I blame those sometimes romantic feelings to the fact that there are days that I yearn that closeness to the opposite sex, but mainly I think that just the fact that we have spent the last 4 months getting to know each other as friends, has really given me a sense of like, I guess, for a lack of better term, a feeling of... OH! why did I ever rush this when it could have turned into something and now it's nothing and it will likely never be nothing but I don't feel a connection to him I just feel close to him! does that even make sense? like I literally send him screenshots of conversations I have with men on dating sites and he tells me about women he talks to or whatever and there have been a few times that I've found myself feeling a little jealous but the truth is while I am attracted to him and we've been intimate a few times, I rather have him in my life as a friend, then not have him in my life at all. He is slowly becoming my new man best friend sort of! it's soooo weird, I just don't have any other explanation for it.  

Anyway, one of the reasons why I've become so close to him and love him as a friend is because not to long ago I was going through something really really hard and I had messaged him a video and as I was making the video, I starting crying in the video and during the rest of that day, he kept checking up on me and trying to make me laugh and telling me it was going to be ok and that day, I decided that I rather have him as my friend and never ever again sleep with him again if that meant I would loose him! not that he's like ever trying to sleep with me or anything like that, but we have, but that's not what we share, it's bigger than that, it's true and real and sincere and I love him so much! 

Then there are those that you feel this incredible connection too, that whenever you are close to them you can't seem to get enough of them, the one that you miss and yearn for, the one that you think about all the time, the one that the moment you saw him there was no denying that the chemistry was like no other and then, that same person, let's you down time and time again and they claim to be your friend, but in reality, they aren't really in your life, they are just there for their own purpose, for their needs only and those are the men, that I want to stay away from, the ones that play with you because they can, because they know some way some how, they have an affect on you, they lead you on because they can and they do.  But in the end, who's loosing out? is it really me? how am I loosing something I've never had? Being in a room for moments that feel completely happy, being in a house that just being there is all you need to be contempt, leaving a house and knowing that once you leave, you mean nothing.  Once you step out the door, you don't exist until next time.  Connection, or just merely attraction?

I'm not making much sense but I want to put this on my journal because most often than not, since I have a nasty temper I will say shitty things that in the end, I am the "bad guy" but if someone has apologized to you about their behavior toward you numerous times, then who is at fault here, is it me for guarding myself and getting angry and saying mean things, or is it the person that pushed your limits to make you say such things, the one to blame? If I say mean things to someone, they must have hurt me, pretty darn bad, because for the most part, I don't do that to people, I only turn into a vicious bitch, when I feel that someone is disrespecting me or using me or playing with me as if I'm some dumb bitch, that doesn't deserve a little bit of love and a lot of respect!

So, I had a dream about Benjamin Nunez last night! HOLY SHIT!!! that was sooo crazy journal! like I literally don't think about Benjamin ever really! I don't even visit his FB page anymore.  Also, I don't dream often or well, everyone dreams daily but I don't remember my dreams, so this morning I woke up and I was like.........WOW! that felt so real! I meant to write this post earlier and couldn't and now I can't remember what the dream was about, but it was crazy that I had such a vivid dream with him.  

In other Jazzy news, I am currently matched with 947 men on tinder! what the actual fuck! that seems to be all the available men in CO from the ages of 32-52 ha! yea, I mean not all of them message me of course and I never ever message anyone, but I've had some fun with people that message me and I have zero interest in anyone at the moment which feels AMAZING! like I just feel really great about my single life right now! I'm feeling like the old single me! I remember I used to cry some nights when things were going really bad with my ex and I would think, I miss being single so bad! I was good at being single, I suck at being in a relationship! I would often tell him, that I wasn't the relationship type and he was and how I could guarantee that we would break up and he would be in a serious relationship right away and who knows if I would ever do that shit again, and sure enough, here I am doing my damn single thing, and re-learning how to be single, it's so much fun! 

I think the only way I would be in a relationship is if things just like, evolved into that or I don't know, the person and I just felt that strong bond almost instantly! you know, like you are with that person and when you spend time together it just feel perfect, it just feel right and not just to one person but to both of us and there is no fear because it's just magic! and I know that magic isn't real, but you ever spend time with someone and the time goes by so fast and it feels so good when they are around and when they aren't you think of them and you don't fear sending a message and they don't fear sending a message because you know the other person is there with you? that, to me is real and legit and not scary and if it doesn't play out that way..... it's not meant to be and you just have fun in the moment and live your life! no expectations, just living!

I think I will be going to Vegas for New Years! I can't wait, I have not had a great New Years in YEARS! this year, I'm planning on ending it with a bang! and I don't know if I will get you know "banged" as that is not the reason why I'm going to Vegas, but you never know journal, cause you know what they say......... WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS....STAYS IN VEGAS!!! ta ta journal!

I've been listening to so many old school songs lately, mainly because when I am sad and going through a lot of things, I find a time where I was happy and listen to the music that brings me back there because being here is too painful! so I will leave you with......Mr. Telephone Man by New Edition.