Dear Journal - I often write my journal entries on my IPhone because I am not able to always sit on my bed and blog, so I write where ever I am at on my notepad on the IPhone and then I email myself the post and publish it on my blog.
I was on the train the other day and decided to go through almost 2 years worth of journals. Some I will publish later on as time goes on because they are still too new and I don't know how much of my current life I want to share on this my journal, although it is a journal, the sequence of events don't necessarily have to be in a specific order. Actually, my thought a long time ago was to use my journal as a reference base of events, because one day I will write my book and I can always go back to my blog and find things on here that have something that will trigger a memory of detail that I can't really share on my blog because as I have said before this blog is PG 13, trust me when I say that on here, I can't even write the half of some of the things that I have experienced. Anyway, I found this entry on 4-24 while reading my old journals, after seeing it, I decided to post it. I like to recall moments that are full of emotion.
I don't want to share exactly what date I wrote this entry, but it is something that I felt really strong about..........
Dear Journal:
I have no idea how to control these feelings but I need to get a grip especially before I see him! Omg! So much emotion! I just want him to hold me in his arms and kiss me really hard and just love me! What if all his words were really sincere and I hurt him because I couldn't believe it was true and yet still he comes creeping back into my life with hesitation.
I could tell last night that we were both so happy yet so scared! Afraid to feel that pain we caused each other. I have felt so many things for him and cried about it even, yet I never write about it. I guess putting it down in words is accepting that which I refuse to acknowledge. I thought that all that I wanted was an apology, but I am starting to feel that all I want is him. Of course it's probably crazy! And not even real really, but how else can I explain the fact that I don't even feel the urge to talk to any other man?
God I wish I could just spend time with him! These next few weeks will be so long, waiting for the moment when I finally see him for the very first time and really know! What is this I feel? yet I always manage to control myself and I have no choice but to, but I hate almost forcing myself not to think of him, except when I did think about him it made me happy, it made me happy then, and makes me happy now.
I can't believe he is back in my life, part of me is trilled yet the other part is scared to death! Yet I refuse to let my fear interfere this time! I am going to take a chance with him, I'm going to go with it and not hold back, but just let it unfold without all the doubts that I had before. He came back for me, he came to me, he is afraid just as I am, I can tell we both want it just as bad yet we can't completely feel safe with it. As long as he doesn't pressure me like he did before, I will allow myself to care and go with it wherever it should take me. God I must be crazy!
Oh yeah, I dedicated this song to him and he sort of just......
Have I told you lately that I love you - Rod Stewart
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