Dear Journal: My Hand...

Dear Journal -


I took a brief writing class this summer, and I feel like I never have time to apply the things that I learned there.  It was seriously awesome! being there with all those creative people who enjoyed writing as much as I do.  The class was a creative writing, so the people would just whip up a story in 10 minutes, I found that truly amazing.  For me, it was difficult to write fiction.


I am going on a trip to Costa Rica in a few weeks (alone) which is kind of weird and crazy and makes me feel old and well, alone.  I had a wonderful friend there that was supposed to spend time with me during my stay, but fortunately for him and sort of unfortunately for me, he was made a job offer in another country that he simply had to accept.  I was and am very happy for him, but was and am very sad for me, because I won't see my wonderful childhood friend that I haven't seen in years.  


I will however, spend time with his friends that he virtually introduced to me.  His friends were kind enough to offer to take me in and take me around.  I find that to be a very sweet gesture in his and their part.  I guess in reality I am not going to be totally alone, but I do sort of want to be alone and am actually really looking forward to it.  My friends often say that I do things that they could never imagine themselves doing, what can I say other than, I'm a gypsy! I like to live life, experience things and I'm not afraid.  Isn't life meant to be lived?? well that's all I'm doing, I'm living.


Anyhow, I decided that while I am in Costa Rica, I will try to spend quality time by myself writing and also, brace yourself please......STUDYING!!! I KNOW! WTF!!! Truthfully, I feel that being away will be a great time for me to finally have some me time and relax and do the things I never get to.  like read a few books that I bought.  So, I will sit by the beach and read and write! yes, this will make me very happy! I KNOW! I'M GETTING FUCKING OLD!!!! WTF! WHO AM I AND WHERE IS JAZZY?????


Ok, so here is the deal, I started out this post thinking of sharing something I wrote in my writing class and it turned out into a story about me getting old and wanting to study on my trip! WTF! but fear not, below is the little story that I wrote in one of my writing classes.  Which was the whole point of this post.  God! I sure do beat around the bush a lot to get to my point!!! Sorry about that sweet journal.


Below is one of the exercises I had to do in one of my writing classes.  I was supposed to stare at my hand, and write about it.  Please note, my teacher said that before you write something really good, you have to write CRAP! below is some crap I wrote about my hand..... I'm so glad I have my journal to write crap in!

*******************************************************

MY HAND: Author Jazzy

*******************************************************

I don't understand why my fingers are so long and thin.  It almost feels like this hand does not correspond to the rest of my body.  My hand has tan tone through out the year, if you saw it, you think it to have been out of a window receiving rays of sun to take the tone it has.  It is like a light brownish beige color, very difficult to describe, but very nice.  My nails are finally growing, the are probably half of an inch outside of my fingers.  This beats those acrylic tips that would cover the natural peachy tone and the horizontal ridges of my natural nail.  I just noticed for the very first time in my life, that I have 4 tiny beauty marks on the outside part of my hand that are just a bit darker then my natural tan color, which when looking down at my hand if you were to connect them, they would form a triangle....

Please enjoy one of my fave songs.....

Gypsy By: Shakira 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3-GiVIE8gc&ob=av2e

DON'T LET THE MOMENT PASS YOU BY......JUST SAY IT!

Sometimes the moment just passes you by...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaVLbk_3UeU

Ani DiFranco "Hypnotized"

You were no picnic, you were no prize.......


Ani DiFranco "Hypnotized"

Frank Sinatra - The Way You Look Tonight Original

Someday, I will feel a glow just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9ZGKALMMuc

THE 5 YEAR PLAN!

Ever since I was in my early 20’s (damn that was a long time ago!) I have always had a 5 year plan.  When I was a recruiter, I would always ask people who I interviewed where they saw themselves in 5 years.  To employers, it is important that the person they hire, have a good sense of where they want to be, where they see themselves going and they want to have a sense of it because they want to hire an individual who is in control of their life and has plans, goals, dreams.  They want to hire someone that has vision.  Also, they want someone who is going to be part of their organization for a long time.  Retention is a big deal these days in Corporate America because it costs money for companies to have a high turn over rate, so, when interviewing a candidate for a position, it is important for this individual to know what they want in terms of their future.

Besides asking people where they saw themselves in 5 years so that I could then go and brag to my client why my candidate was awesome and suitable for their company.  I was also nosy and just wanted to know people’s business.  Yes, this is why I want to be a therapist one day or at least go back to my previous industry and work in a role that allows me to be nosy.   In thinking about turning 40 and planning out my next 5 years, there is something that I wanted to put on my journal that I felt was very important and relevant.  In addition to writing this journal to put my thoughts out in the World Wide Web for anyone to read.  I also constantly go back to it myself and re-read posts to sort of make sure that what I am writing or that what I am “preaching” I am practicing.  Whenever I loose site or focus, I reference my journal to sort of get myself on track.

A few months ago, I told someone that his world, extended beyond the world that he lived in and that I was sorry that I had come into his life and made him realize that there was a life outside of his town/city/state.  I told him that the world was a huge place and that whatever we set out to do in this world, if we do it with love and passion, we can accomplish it.  We are given all the tools in life to make things happen.  I have witnessed how some of my friends who come from poverty, have made it to where they wanted to be.  They did it, with hard work and dedication.  This is why I know that anything is possible.

Most of my life, I have done everything that I have set out to do.  I for the most part have always set these five year goals for myself, in order to have some direction and to have a vision of where I want to be.  I believe that it is truly important to see beyond today, even if I preach practicing living in the moment.  Living in the moment however, does not necessarily mean, that you don’t plan for tomorrow.  But, that is a whole other post.

The reason why I am writing about this today, is because for the last few months after I told this person that his world went beyond his town/city/state, I began to think about myself and how I was telling him this, yet I wasn’t looking at myself and my situation and my wants/needs in the same way.  Meaning, that as I was saying these things to him, I didn’t realize that the same thought and idea I was expressing to him could apply to me as well.  I needed to take my own advice and think outside the box.  Envision and see that the world goes far beyond NYC.  

I went out to LA a few years ago and I have to say, that I fell in love with it.  Ever since then, I have always said things like, I want to live there someday.  A few months ago, after getting to know this awesome individual that I had, had the pleasure of meeting by chance and preaching to him.  I realized that I to needed to take my own advice.  That leaving NY had always been in the back of my mind.  That my world too could extend beyond this box that I am in, I realized that I too could leave NY no matter how much I loved this city.  Getting to know him left me feeling like there is this whole other world that I want to explore and that it is way beyond the world that I live in.  Knowing him, gave me a new vision and almost a push to go for what would really make me happy.  I want to leave NYC some day.  So, what am I going to do about it you ask? Well, I decided to incorporate in my 5 year plan, relocating to another state.  The more I give thought to this idea, the more excited about it I get.  I feel overwhelmed by all the people and all the things that NY has to offer, I feel like I have exhausted all of it’s resources. 

When I visited my friend in Nebraska, I remember I kept thinking how lovely it was where she lived, how my run was so peaceful, how people were so pleasant and kind.  When I went to Pennsylvania to visit my other friend, I felt the same way, when I go to Connecticut to visit my family it’s the same thing.  My heart is a New Yorker, but my mind is no longer content here. 

I have decided to start researching different States and options as to where to go within the next 5 years.  But first, I have already made plans to visit Indiana and South Dakota next summer.  I joined a new social network site, which will enable me to meet people all over the US.  I have been talking to people that I work with that come from all over the US to tell me what their cities are like. I’m so excited, because everyone is so encouraging in my ideas.  I have never been afraid of taking chances so I most certainly will not start being afraid now.  I think it’s time that I let go of NY and find a peaceful place where I can finish raising my two younger children.  I have to admit though, that I don’t think I will go anywhere that is not near a beach, I am a beach bunny I need to be near a cost and I don’t mean the East Coast.

Anyway, I’m not saying this is all set on stone, but it’s definitely in my 5 year plan…….. What about you? Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Saturday Night Fever!!!!!

In my music class, we were talking about disco.  Well, here is one of my favorite songs EVER!!!


Dear John Travolta: I love the way you dance!


Saturday night fever: By the Bee Gees...... I'm 40, I grew up listening to this cool stuff!!!

40!!!! OH MY!!!

40 WTF! WOW! I have been preparing for this day for the last year of my life, I really have (please note, I will turn 40 on Sunday, Oct. 2).  I have been saying things like, I'm 40 now and I'll be 40 soon and I'm freaking out!!! I have been saying things like that, to prepare myself for D-DAY!!!

I cannot continue this post without first stressing, that I want to thank God (the un moved mover, the spiritual being, the highest energy and positively pure love) for allowing me to make it to 40 (I hope I make it to Sunday) and allowing me to share my thoughts and experiences with anyone who comes across this blog and would like to read it.

I need to stress on this my journal, how greatful I am that I have thus far lived a healthy life, that he has given me the gift of three wonderful children who give me the strength to constantly move forward and never look back.  I want to thank him for allowing me to have had so many both positive and negative experiences that have made me the woman that I am today.  But most of all, I want to thank him for life, which is the most amazing wonderful thing.

I am here, and I know that the day he calls for me, I will have lived a life that has thus far been so full of so many wonderful adventures and experiences that I do not regret not one moment.  My soul has a purpose, and everyday it becomes more and more clear, what that purpose is.

I do have to admit that I am a bit scared.  I am scared, because I do not know if I'm doing it right, sometimes, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, yet I wake up and do it anyway.  I get up and do my thing, sometimes however, doing my thing is really difficult but I still do it.

Most of my life I have been all over the place (still am sort of) but I do have to say that the first most noticeable thing that I am happy about in turning 40 is, that thinking about this new phase of my life, has given me the opportunity to take a look at my life and evaluate it in a way I never thought of doing before.

For the very first time in my life, I actually know what it is that makes me happy, what makes me sad, what makes me tick, what turnes me on, what I will absolutely tolerate and what I will absolutely not tolerate, what I'm willing to give up or sacrifice, what I will absolutely not give up or sacrifice.  For the very first time in my life I feel feminine and comfortable in my own skin.

My 30's were pretty cool, I learned a lot about my sexuality, I learned alot about the opposite sex, and best of all, i learned how to walk in high heel shoes! I have this feeling however, that my 40's are going to be even better.  I'm older and most definitely wiser.  I am ok with myslelf, and I don't feel the need to be accepted in any "circle" because you either take me as I am, or watch me as I go! It's pretty awesome.

I hope that in my 40's, men my age will give me some attention.  I hope that my Achilles tendon that I hurt from my jogs, gets better so that every now and then, when I feel like dressing up like a girl and wearing my heels and putting on some make up, I can do so, without having any pain. I hope that in my 40's the word drama is no longer in my vocabulary.

I have been feeling a sense of peace in my life and I can honestly say that I feel pretty happy with my life as a whole.  However, I also hope that in my 40's I will become even wiser, that I will get to know myself even better, I hope to be able to become a better mother.  I hope that I can obtain my masters degree in Psychology which will enable me to make a positive difference in lives.  I hope to get better at my writing.  I hope to become a more loving daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and friend.  I hope to move out of NYC and go somewhere West.  I hope to have the opportunity to adopt, provide foster care for or become the step mother of a wonderful child or children.   Lastly, I hope that sometime in my 40's I meet a wonderful man that will understand the extent of my madness! someone who will not judge me based on my past experiences.  Someone that will see me from the inside outward and not vice versa.



I want to say thank you to anyone who comes into my mind and reads my blog.  Seeing the statistics of my blog traffic is truly unbelievable to me.  From December when I first started writing until today, there have been nearly 5,000 views to it.  WOW that is an awesome EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT! I never in a million years thought that I would get even 5 people to read it.  I always thought I would at the most have my friends as my readers, however, most of my friends usually say things like, sorry Jazz I haven't had time to read it.  

I'm not upset with my friends for that, after all I text them all my worries or insecurities or sadnesses etc. My point is, that there have been people that have told me they read it, and I'm blown away by it.  Thank you!

I hope in my 40's I will be able to continue with my little project that is this blog, and that I will be able to evolve it into the blog I hope to someday have.  I have this vision that is vivid in my mind and hope that I can make that vision come to life.  I hope to be able to write about things that are meaningful and important and not just about my crazy life.

To end my post, I would like to ask anyone who comes across this page, that if you have 5 dollars to spare, please give to my favorite charity.  That is all I want as a BDAY gift.  I want a child to have those things that we take for granted.


Before you is a 40 year old woman, my name is Jazzy.... Thank you for reading! 


PS. Midlife crisis???? What midlife crisis!!!!!??? whatever do you mean?!?!? I ALWAYS FREAK OUT!

Peace and Love!


CHILDREN INTERNATIONAL is my favorite charity.  Link below. 


http://www.children.org/AChildJustForYouSW3-ChildrenInternational.asp?WT.mc_id=S_Google&RS_ID=2&WT.srch=1

Movie scene......

I love this scene.  Being scared is so silly sometimes, at least after asking she knew.  You should always just ask.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ExnVKy8hao

I'M ALSO JUST A GIRL......

I was thinking of movies and felt like putting on my blog, my favorite movie scene's.   

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eit31oT-bDw

Dear Journal - 9-20-11 - Secret conversation with a man.

Dear Journal:


I wrote this on my way home from class today.  I was sitting on the train thinking about how handsome and absolutely cool my Geology professor is and then I thought about my day and the nerve of that man!


I happened to bump into the man I once had secret conversations with http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/secret-conversations.html.  Of course, this could not have happened on one of the most emotionally draining days ever.  Today after my earlier blog post http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/09/story-of-benjamin-nunez.html that left me very depressed and agitated. 


I bumped into him and I had to cross words with this individual who has treated me less then kind.  Did he really think that by giving me his undivided attention I would seriously stand there and chit chat?  I believe he did.  Poor man, doesn't he know that the old Jazzy he once had the pleasure of knowing is dead and that all that is left is this bitch that just doesn't care?  

I walked away thinking, you know you messed up don't you? You realized it and now you don't know how to make it better. You just don't know what to do! Journal, If people only understood that all I ever want is for them to acknowledge their wrong doing and simply say I'm sorry, then I would have not acted like the heartless bitch that stood before him.  Simply saying I'm sorry, is all it would take.  Acknowledge that you didn't treat me kind and say I'm sorry.  I never understand why that is so difficult for people, I really don't.  Instead of him getting the old nice Jazzy, he saw this other woman that he himself created slowly with his behavior towards me.

Don't give me your undivided attention and pretend that you haven't treated me less then kind.  And expect me to act as if nothing happened.  I was there when we had those conversations, I know what happened.  Your kindness got the beautiful human being that I try to be every single struggling day of my life.  Your unkindness, gets no reaction.  I am but a robot without emotion, someone who does not know you.

Thank you though, I thought to myself after.  Thank you for thinking that it's so easy to treat me unkind and get the best of me anyway.  Thank you for thinking I am that weak and stupid.  You obviously have mistaken my kindness for weakness like many others have.  That good sir, will not be the case in this circumstance.  I learn everyday, and I won't be falling in the same hole twice in my life, I might be slow, but I'm not stupid.

Live and learn Jazzy, live and learn!


Ps. Journal, instead of getting off the train at my station, I got off one station later and went to see my wonderful Albanian friend whom I love! I told her about my day and she gave me a big hug and told me she loved me and just like that, everything became better.  Then, I walked into my house and my daughter ran so fast to hug and kiss me, that all the sadness and all the stress that I went through today, just simply disappeared.  I then thought, God, thank you, because this is what life is all about! THE LOVE OF THOSE WHO TRULY LOVE US..........


LIFE IS GOOD!


GOOD NIGHT JOURNAL........

Good Life - One Republic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZhQOvvV45w&ob=av2e

GO TO HELL!!!!!! DISAPPEAR FROM MY MIND!!!

When I met him, it was MAGICAL and I have said this from the very first time that I wrote about him on this blog which was my very first blog post.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html#comments I am not going to go on and on about it because if you follow my blog, you are probably sick and tired of reading about him.   I have to defend myself by saying that true sincere pure love, does not disappear from our hearts over night.  I have struggled with this for way to long now and I have to honestly say, that I myself am sick and tired of feeling it.  I am sure that many have read countless poems that say things about how it takes only a little bit of time to fall in love with someone, but some loves take a life time to forget.  It is true and I believe it.  I believe that true love, takes a long time to overcome, unless, someone else comes into your life that is able to blow you away again.  Before I loved Benjamin, I loved Hex I have written about him also, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/07/cheating-bastards.html it took me about 3 years to completely get over Hex and it wasn’t until I met Benjamin that I was able to really forget him. 

I always say that I don’t find it right to have re-bound love, because all of my life that is pretty much what I have done.  I would jump from relationship to relationship without even giving myself a chance to breath.  When I think of all the serious relationships I have had in my life, I can honestly say that I do not know who my “TRUE LOVE” was, which is why I don’t believe I have ever had that yet.  Yes I love Benjamin and I loved this one and that one, but to me, “TRUE LOVE” is that love that you never recover from or the person you marry and spend a life time with, or, does that even exist??? Maybe I am after a fairy tale love that really doesn’t exist and they have all in their own way, been my “TRUE LOVES”  What ever the case may be, I am writing this post because today is Benjamin’s birthday and this morning, I called him and left him a message wishing him the very best life has to offer.

Benjamin Nunez is not his real name,  I call him that on my blog for the obvious reason which is that I do not wish to reveal his real name because I don't ever do that when I write about people unless they tell me it is ok.  Also, when him and I first met and he told me his real name, I later could not remember the last name and so I came up with my own version of his name.  I was to embarrassed to ask him.  One day, when he was leaving the company where he worked which was in the same building as the company that I worked (that's where we met) he gave me a business card so we could stay in touch, it was finally that day that I found out his real full name (I only remembered his first name).  I later sent him an email telling him my Benjamin Nunez story and he found it completely hilarious.  Since he is a popular blogger (in his industry) if I were to put his real name on my blog, all you would have to do is type his name on google and countless amounts of pages with his work would come up.  This is another reason why I do not want to put his name on here, I don't think it would be appropriate. 

Last week, the 3rd session of the Philosophy classes he and I both attended began.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/05/this-poster-can-make-you-happier-than.html I decided that I was not going to be going to those classes for many reasons one which was to avoid seeing him.  Anyway, he had mentioned on twitter that he would be blogging about the classes.  I was really excited about it because I thought to myself that even if I could not attend the actual class, I could at least know what the classes were about by reading his blog right? right? because "supposively" I am like sooooo over him! RIGHT??! RIGHT!.  Last Wednesday I go on his blog (he is an excellent writer) and I begin to read his post on the class and as I get to the middle of his post, there it was, something I sure wasn't expecting to read.  He gave an example about love, referencing his GIRLFRIEND!! At first I had to re- read the post, because I thought maybe he was using an example of a past girl, but no, it was true, my love has found love. 

Yes I have always expected him to get himself a girlfriend obviously, but I just saw him 2 months ago and he said he didn’t even date.  How is it, tha you don't even date, but you find a girlfriend so quickly? That day we were having a conversation about our summer plans and I told him I was seeing someone and he was curious in knowing his name, I kept thinking to myself what difference does that make?? For the last 3 years he has known my feelings for him, he also told me years ago to move on with my life.  I tell him I'm seeing someone to show him that I'm finally trying to do what he asked me and he's interested in knowing the guys name?? Maybe he didn't believe me? because I was really excited when I spoke about the guy to him, but I was excited, I genuinely liked the guy. 

I waited for years for Benjamin to maybe realize that he cared for me too and for nothing.  I kept thinking to myself that he should be happy for me that I was trying to move on with my life as he always asked me to, but men are so selfish, I don't want you Jazzy, but the thought of you with another guy really burns me up!  Especially if this guy get's you so excited.  After telling him the guy's name, I then say to him that he needed to date also, I told him to go out and enjoy himself and get himself a girl.  Well, he obviously listened to me.  Because even though he said he "wasn't dating" he went out and found himself a girlfriend really quick! wtf! men waste no time.  He has been single for nearly as long as I have been, so I guess I was sort of used to that and deep down inside I always had some ridiculous hope of some sort.  Still, 2 months ago you were not even dating and now you have a girlfriend?? WTF! is that???

After I read the post, I laughed about it and told myself that I wasn’t going to read his posts anymore.  I really really don’t want to hear about his “new girlfriend” I tried to put that little bit of information that I read in the back of my mind and told myself that I didn’t care, whatever, we don’t even talk, who gives a shit, poor girl, and I mentally bad mouthed him until I was completely satisfied.  A day later however, I was driving and this song comes on the radio that is pretty popular.  I had heard it before but never really paid attention to the lyrics, so I am finally paying attention to them and I just BROKE DOWN! In that moment, I knew that I still cared for him too much for comfort.  My love has a girlfriend I kept thinking, she is kissing the man that I love! this is too much for me, I can't deal with it, yet I know I have no choice but too.  Who is this woman kissing my love?? I hope she treats him well and that she will understand the extent of his madness, the way I do.

I made a decision this morning, that this will be the last post I write about Benjamin.  In moving on with my life as I have tried and struggled for these last 3 years.  It is important that I completely let go of any and all things related to him.  I had started on this blog a series called letters to a friend http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/letters-to-friend-series-letter-1-my.html that are about him.  I wanted to continue posting them, but I know that doing so, is not healthy for me and that in learning to love myself and giving myself the opportunity to seriously move on, I need to stop anything that I do, in relation to him.  Hopefully someday, I will be able to start the series again, I will do so, only when he is but a distant memory to me.  For now, I need to do this for my mental health and well being.  Thinking of him isn’t really doing much for me, it’s a useless waste of time and energy, and I am fully aware that I am only hurting myself. 

I don’t know if he ever reads my blog, but if he ever comes across it, I want him to know that my love for him is selfless, that I wish him nothing but the best with his new found love.  When you love someone with sincerity, you want nothing but the best for them.  And even in knowing that they are with someone else, you can cry (as I did) but at the same time smile (as I did also) because you know that they are happy, even if that happiness does not include you. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BENJAMIN NUNEZ..

I dedicate this song to you my love.

Adele - Someone like you. (this is the song that made me cry)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njwvIPJlPN0