Dear Journal:
This is what happens to me when I am watching a romantic movie and am going through my cycle that just turns me into a disgusting messy mushy cry baby woman. FUCKING HORMONES! I don't usually watch romantic movies anymore, actually I don't watch movies much anymore, but when I do, they always end up being romantic comedies because that's what I like to watch. I have met two men that love to watch romantic comedies also. One, was my friend who I no longer speak to, and the other person, is my love (who no longer speaks to me) oh yes! I bet you thought I was over him by now right? no, not yet.
This October it will be 5 years that there is not one day that goes by that I don't think about him, my inspiration, my reason my drive. He changed my life forever and I don't even remotely know how to move on from it, but I do try, sincerely sort of I do. I have written about him a million times and probably will write a million more. You can find out about him here..... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
Anyway, the other day I watched a movie called the rebound and while I was watching it I kept thinking, damn that sort of looks like my life, holy shit now they make movies about my life? but the only thing that remotely resembled my life, was the fact that the lead character (Catherine Zeta Jones) was 15 years or maybe more, I'm not sure, older then the male lead character (Justin Bartha) who is HOT! (spoiler ALERT! if you want to see this movie don't read anymore, because I'm about to divulge parts of the movie).
The movie was about the fact that they fell in love and she is older then he is. Anyway, there is a scene where she thinks she is pregnant and it turns out that she really isn't. When she leaves the doctors office with him after the doctor tells them that she is not, she flips out on him and starts to tell him that she can't even believe she was even remotely happy that she was going to have a baby when their whole relationship was wrong, she was a 42 year old woman and he was a 25 year old man who should be back packing in Europe not being in a relationship hoping to have a child with her. After that scene they break up and he does just that, he goes back packing in Europe. After he returns from his trip in Europe and has adopted a child, they bump into each other and realize that they still love one another and the movie ends.
So, that scene stayed on my mind and I kept thinking about my love and the fact that he is 9 years younger then I am and how the whole time while we were friends, I would always think to myself that I was ridiculous to think that he would look at me in that way. He had no children and I have three. Then the other day as I was walking home thinking about it, the stupidest thought crossed my mind, I kept thinking to myself, Jazzy, pretend that his new relationship is just a process that he is going through, that will enable him to be closer to the day that he will come back to you! he is only "back packing through Europe" aka, having a girlfriend who he might marry and have a child with, end up divorcing and then, he can finally be with you.
That is about the most horrible wish I could have for someone! I am ashamed to admit that I thought that! how is my love true when I want him to hurry up get married and divorced so he could finally reach up to where I am in my life? in the movie, the guy goes back packing through Europe and comes back to her and I assume they live happily ever after, but in my reality, how can I even think such a horrible thing. But I did and it's true, he is going through the things he has to, but who am I to go around wishing for him not to have a successful loving marriage (not that he's getting married or maybe he is I don't know) but the point is that I don't allow myself the opportunity to move on because I'm always sort of waiting for some sort of miracle to happen, some sort of something that probably won't and so I think these ridiculous thoughts to make myself feel better about it. And after I thought that I kept thinking, God please forgive me for wishing these things for him, I want my love to be happy, I really do, for my love for him is sincere and true and if he is happy, then I am too! no matter how sad that makes me. God I'm such a looser!
When I met him, he was sort of my rebound, he helped me through a really tough time in my life and I don't know how to let go of that and move on. Please, I want to forget he ever existed!
Sorry about this entry journal, but I am a hot mess! (insert sad face here)
I couldn't find the clip I was looking for, but this is all sort of relevant to my movie clip series.... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/04/david-kross-in-reader-01.html
which by the way, my series was inspired by my love.
Please enjoy the trailer and I hope you will watch the movie, it's a good one!
The Rebound - Catherine Zeta Jones.
