Bingo Players - Cry (Just A Little)

Today, I danced and sang this song at the top of my lungs in my car on my way home from school! I PLAYED IT A MILLION TIMES!

MY NEW FAVORITE SONG!!!!

CHECK OUT THOSE BEATS YO!


Bingo Players - Cry (Just A little)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBpWdwXzpMk

Dear Journal: WOOO FUC$%#G HOOOOO!!!

Dear Journal:

What an awesome day! seriously today was a very significant day and I feel very happy! for starters I was able to go on a three mile run and it felt so absolutely amazing! I believe this is the first time ever that I run in 40 degree weather! it feels awesome! Whenever my good friend KJ tells me he went on his like 10 mile runs (i'm so jealous) in like 30 degree weather, I always yell at him because I read somewhere that it isn't healthy to run when the weather is so cold, but now I know the rush and think I might just try it one day.... it was AMAZING!

Then, I head to school and I get there early and I am sitting in the library trying to get some work done before I get to class and so I decide to check my blog stats and I nearly had a heart attack! like literally I felt butterflies in my stomach and a shock feeling and nervous and all sorts of physiological affects when I saw that one of the referring sites to my blog was from MY LOVE'S BLOG! OMG!!!! I can't tell who reads my blogs, but it will give me entry sources and referring sites and things like that.  Anyway, can you believe that journal???? 

The other day when I was desperately trying to find out about him because of the hurricane and I didn't know what to do, I went on his blog and since I know that blog inside and out, I found one of his old posts that don't have any comments (his blog is like a real blog, like with a bunch of comments and all fancy and stuff) Anyway, I posted a comment.  Of course, because that man has blocked me and whole entire companies where I worked, from being able to post a comment on his blog just so that I wouldn't post any because at one point he thought I was crazy! (I know he knows I am, but he knows I'm good crazy not bad crazy) but anyway I can't post comments on his blog from my computer, regardless, I figured out a way to get around his blocking (because I am so clever and he sort of knows I can) and I posted a comment and when you register for a comment thread it allows you to add to the thread your own website if you have one.  Obviously, I added you my sweet journal because you are so extremely awesome and my most beautiful possession! and so I guess that someone saw the comment (I hope it wasn't his woman) but I wrote something like, MY LOVE.... where are you??? and I guess someone wanted to know who this person was calling him my love and well... HERE I AM PERSON! I am not ashamed of loving someone, love is a wonderful thing and I have NEVER EVER EVER! done anything crazy or psycho or bad or anything to hurt him in any way shape or form.  Actually I leave him be and love him from the side lines.  I am the woman that loves quietly and no one knows who he is? this man she always speaks of? he is almost a ghost.  But he isn't, he is a real person and today there was traffic directed from his blog to mine and I was so happy! 

One day maybe, when he decides that it is ok to be my friend again, maybe he will promote my blog on his own site although because I have written so much about him, he might not think that is a good idea unless he is married to me (wishful thinking) regardless, that was a very significant thing that I had to write to you about my sweet journal!

Then, after I leave the school library I am walking towards the other campus and who do I see??? MY BK! OMG! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/how-jazzy-got-her-groove-back.html that was so crazy! my BK and I recently made up from not talking for a very long time so we were both pretty happy and we hugged and talked briefly and then I punched him on the chest! I KNOW! STOP THE VIOLENCE JAZZY! but I had too! he made me cry so many times! he deserved a good punch in the chest although it didn't even feel good doing it, what felt good was when we said good bye and I said... I LOVE YOU! and he replied.. I LOVE YOU TOO! in that moment we both knew that our love of friendship for each other is REAL! he finally understands the way I LOVE! for so long I don't think he grasped what he meant to me, but today when we said it, we both understood! FOR LOVE IS THE MOST WONDERFUL THING IN THIS WORLD!

And lastly, I was in class and my professor starts giving us back our midterms.  As soon as she said she was going to give them back I felt like throwing up! but guess what journal??? HOLY SHIT!!!! I GOT A GREAT GRADE!!!! I know something about cognitive psychology!!! wooooo fucking hooooo!!!! she said to me, Jazz or actually she used my real name, but she said I think you forgot to put your name on your paper and I did! I get soooo nervous taking tests, but I did good on her test and I could tell she was pleased! THANK YOU MY LUCKY STARS, MY ANGELS AND ALL THE WONDERFUL POSITIVE ENERGY AND LOVE IN MY LIFE! ALL THAT STUDYING AND HARD WORK PAYED OFF! woooooo hooooooo!!!

I drove home singing and dancing in my car! YES I DID! CAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL!

GOOD NIGHT JOURNAL... for today was a great day!

Titanic- I will never let go

I WILL NEVER LET GO!  

HOLA! I am going to continue to post movie clips whenever something happens that I feel requires me to say so much that it is best just to say it this way....

This is part of my movie clip collection http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/04/david-kross-in-reader-01.html and today I realized that I don't need to let go of my Benjamin Nunez, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html because he is still very much alive inside of me and is still very much my love! And I live my life and I am for the most part happy and I feel that he is the reason why I am able to sometimes do all that I do and I don't ever expect anyone to comprehend the extent of my love, nor do I care if I am judged for it or if people think I am crazy because of it or if it's not healthy, but I live my life everyday and I am ok and I am not harming anyone by loving him, I am not hurting myself because I still love him and the thought of him always makes me feel fulfilled in my heart.  

The other day when the hurricane happened I was desperate to know about him.  I was so stressed out not being able to call him and ask him if he was ok.  And I sort of knew he was, because I felt it but in that moment my love for him was very real and I understood that I will never let go, because he was just to significant in my life.  And maybe I am not even in love with him who knows? but that doesn't mean that I don't love him with all of my heart.   

He inspired my movies clip series, he inspired me to write my blog, he continues to inspire me in ways that no one else can, and that is so significant that I can't ignore it.  Maybe one day someone will steal my heart from him, but until then..... This blog is still dedicated to him!

Benjamin Nunez....(that's not his real name)... 

Titanic - "I will never let go" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtBgWxhGCeo
Sorry I tried to find a better scene but couldn't find it....

Jazzy the jealous friend!

Dear Journal:

I feel so great today! maybe it's because I had a good night sleep and oh yeah, because I sent the guy that I went out on a date with a message letting him know that I will not be seeing him again http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/11/maybe-im-just-bad-girl.html.  I decided last night that I am not ready to date people and I am not going to force myself just because it's what society or my mother or family or children or anyone for that matter feel that I should be doing.  I also don't want to hang out with one person and while I'm hanging out with them, to be thinking about someone else because that just isn't fair to myself or the person I'm hanging out with.  When I spend time with someone, I want to spend time with them and be present mind and body.  It just doesn't feel right to me that I'm hanging out with someone and in the back of my mind there is the thought of someone else lingering over me.  Not a good feeling at all journal.  I also feel like I am forcing myself and quite honestly I am too damn old to be forcing myself to do things that I don't feel comfortable doing.

Also, yes I did appreciate that this gentleman felt that he wanted me and that he knew what he wanted, but how do you know you want me based on a few conversations one kiss and a night of hanging out? I think it takes a hell of a lot more to really get to know someone and decide if they are the person you want to have something special with.  I always say something special because I don't really believe in the "forever" theory, like yes of course once two people are in love they start to automatically feel that they want to spend the rest of their lives with each other, but the reality of the matter is that wanting and actually doing it, is two very different things.  Having something special with someone in my opinion is two people who like each other, care for one another are getting to know each other and slowly seeing if the other is the person they would like to get seriously involved with.  

And of course having something special with someone would also require that there shouldn't be anyone else in the mix, meaning you are sharing something special with just one person not dating a bunch of people at the same time which is something I don't think I would be able to manage neither emotionally or physically.  I barely have time for myself let alone more than one person in my life at a time.  I think that when people are seeing more that one person at a time at that point they are just playing the field and are just having fun and playing games with people, something I refuse to do to anyone.  If I don't see you the way you see me than I will let you know because I am not one to go around playing mind games with people, that just isn't cool! I always try to be honest I am even honest in saying to people that I don't know what I want.  I really respect individuals that say that they don't know what they want, because it is OK to not know what we want.  Why do you have to meet someone and automatically know? like I know what I want when I think of being with someone or the personality traits I would like the person I end up with to have.  But when I initially meet someone, I don't automatically know they are the person I want.

Anyway, the fact that this man who took me out was already talking relationship, made him seem a bit needy and the last thing I need in my life is a needy person.  I think that knowing what you want is great, but to tell someone on the first date that what they want is you, kind of makes me feel uneasy.  I mean I'm flattered that you think I'm cute and funny and smart and fun but what you don't know about me is that I have a nasty temper and I can become a raving BITCH! can you handle that? not many men can. I really think that it is important that people are friends before getting romantically involved.  Dr. Paul Dobransky in his book the Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, says that the first two steps of a rewarding relationship is attraction first then friendship.  I agree! 

I loved the way things were developing with AJ and I, that is why I miss him all the time.  He and I were friends and everything developed so naturally it was so awesome the way things felt with him.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html I think the best relationships are built on friendships and to me that is natural and normal and real.  I think that my past relationships have failed because they always started out romantically and I always felt like I had to hide things, but when you are friends with someone first, you don't hide anything you feel comfortable and it's easier to be yourself.

With that said, last night I told one of my guy friends that I have known now for two years that I think I have a crush on him.  It's really weird because he and I tell each other EVERYTHING! however a little over a month ago, he tells me about this girl that he likes and as usual I didn't think anything of it, but then I saw her.  She is very pretty and I was happy for him.  But then I tried being nice to her and said hi to her and she ignored me.  I wanted to say hello to the girl my friend likes because then if they end up together I would more then likely be cool with her.  When she ignored me, she gave me the impression that she is one of these women that think they are too good for the rest of the world.  After that incident, I went back to my friend and flipped out! I was so angry because I could tell that her intentions with him were purely based on her wanting someone to boost her huge ego.  

The reason why I know this, is because he had already told me how their conversations were developing and I could tell she was the type of woman that enjoys attention and plays games with men to feel good about herself.  Anyway, I was furious going off on him about her and he kept laughing at me because I don't think he had ever seen me so pissed off.  He kept laughing and telling me calm down Jazzy!  After that day I kept questioning if my jealousy might have something to do with my feelings for him? ever since I have known him, I have always told myself that I deserve a guy just like him! he is sincerely one of the most awesome guys that I know.  He is genuine and really caring and funny and smart and kind and friendly and so extremely respectful to women.  When I met him he had a girlfriend and he treated her so great! he loved her so much and she was such a raving.... UGH!  but I never before saw him in a romantic way NEVER I did always think that he is very cute, but he is not my type and he knows my type so I think that because he isn't the type of guy (physically) that I go for, it is easy for me to be his platonic friend.  Yet still, I am having these mixed feelings about him lately.

Anyway, I have been thinking about this for over a month now and so last night I just felt like I needed to tell him and so I did and we talked about it.  I felt that I had to be honest with him in what I am feeling and experiencing because he is one of my best male friends.  I told him that our friendship is so meaningful to me that I don't want to ruin it based on me being selfish or feeling lonely or because I want him to give me the attention he is giving to other women that don't deserve him.  He told me that he feels the same way about this situation and that he has thought about me the same way, but also doesn't want to ruin our friendship and that it all feels very strange.  It really does, because he can black mail me so bad! he knows my dirt, he knows EVERYTHING! and vice versa.  But again I never before saw him in a romantic way and nothing has ever happened between us, which is why I think he and I shouldn't go there, I think we are both just going through things at this moment that sort of make us feel this way.  I think we are both just kind of lonely even though we both are constantly talking to other people and we both like other people.

There is someone that I have liked now for about three months, he and I were attracted to each other when we first met so our friendship began to develop differently, yet we are just friends.  I really like being just his friend because it has given me the opportunity to get to know him as a person.  Also right after we first met, he once told me while we were having a conversation that he didn't really know how he felt about relationships and that he had taken this girl out for drinks so I automatically assumed that he wasn't interested in me romantically so I told myself that I had to see him as just a guy that I found attractive but that we were just friends.  

After that, I expressed my interest in him to him and he told me that nothing was ever going to happen between us and after that day I told myself that I needed to see him as just a platonic friend who I really valued because we just got along so well and I decided that I liked him so much as a person, that I wanted to be in his life more so as a platonic friend than anything else.  Whenever we are around each other, it is just so cool and natural and fun.  We both have th same sense of humor and we get each other and this is exactly the reasons why people call each other friends, because they have common interests and common ideas and get each other.

Recently I found out that he is seeing someone.  Immediately I felt extremely jealous so I decided that it was in my best interest to stay away from him a little.  Not because I can't handle the fact that he is seeing someone, but because he and I would talk all the time but as soon as he started seeing someone he began to change with me.  I understand this change because obviously if he is seeing someone he now has a new person to give his attention to.  

I understand completely that when my male friends find significant others that our friendship changes.  This happens even with my female friends.  Usually, when I feel that my friends get all wrapped up in their relationships, I will send them messages randomly after they find someone and say things like... YOU DON'T LOVE ME!  because I know all to well that most people if not all people, once they are involved with someone they sort of forget their friends.  I used to do it too, so I know.  Anyway, I don't like the way things feel with my most current friend who is now seeing someone, with him, it feels more like I just broke up with someone and it shouldn't feel that way.  

I feel like with him I can't really talk about what I am feeling because I think he thinks that everything I do or did revolved around him.  I am just his friend and in my mind that is what I kept thinking.  I tell him everything, all of my dirt because I trust him and his opinions, I want our friendship to be genuine and honest because that is what friendship means to me.  I am capable of being friends with men because I know how to separate and accept things as they are even if sometimes I would find myself thinking about him more than I should, but then again I find myself thinking about my friend that I have known for over two years more often than I should also.  

So then I think to myself, well... what does this mean? and I think it means that I am just a jealous friend, I was so jealous when I found out he is seeing someone, except I am not sure what I am more jealous about.  Am I jealous because I am not seeing anyone myself? or I am jealous because I'm not the one he is seeing? or am I jealous because now I won't have his time like I did before? I don't know exactly what I am jealous about? 

Still, I want my friends to be happy because my friends are very important to me and I want the best for them.  I don't want to be that selfish friend that hates on her friends because they are happy! I never want to be that person.  So maybe staying away from both my friends is a good idea, just a little distance nothing crazy.  Maybe I need to go out and find myself a man that is all mine so that he can give all his attention to me, but then again I don't know that, that is necessarily what I want and need right now.  I am so selfish about my single life because I want to come and go as I please and do whatever I want without having to worry about someone's opinion. 

At the end of the day, women will come and go from both of my friends lives or maybe they will marry one of them, yet I will always be their friend.  I will be here to listen and hold their hands, understand them, or just laugh with them if that is what they need.     I know what being someone's friend means.

So maybe I am just feeling low because one of my friends is seeing someone and my other friend is talking to all these girls and he didn't do that before.  And so now they are both giving their attention to different women and therefore they no longer have time for Jazzy.  So I am jealous and selfish because I don't want my friends to neglect me for other women, except I know that they are just living their lives and that they are doing what they should be doing and it isn't their fault that I am all over the place and cant decide on what I want, how is that their problem? I am so needy of my friends sometimes and I don't like that.

Seeing that my guys are doing their thing makes me feel jealous.  I don't ever want to do to anyone else what I don't want to be done to me and today I am thinking clearly and I know that I need to see my friends all of them as they are.. JUST FRIENDS... and not allow my emotions to get out of control.  I love all my friends very much.  I don't go around calling just anyone a friend, the word friend is over used and so when I think of someone as my friend I call them that because I love them and respect them and allow them to be part of my life.  I don't want to loose any of my friends over my jealousy.   Jealousy is not a good sentiment, not good at all!

What I need to do is just relax, focus again on the things that matter and on what I am doing.  One day someone will come into my life and I won't be afraid and I won't have mixed feelings and I won't have to be needy of my friends because I will be getting all the attention I require from one guy.  The last thing I want to do is to loose all of my wonderful men friends over some emotional breakdown situation.  Life is so amazingly beautiful! everyday I experience wonderful things.  I always want to make the right decisions based on being logical and not always allowing my emotions to control situations.  Yes I should listen to my heart, but I also have to keep in mind that my heart can be very selfish, my heart is capable of good and bad (anger, jealousy, hate) sentiments that I do not want in my life.  I have to keep a clean heart in order to make the right choices and in order for me to keep a clean heart I need my logic to come into play.  Therefore, it is important to take a step back and not base all my decisions on what I am feeling.  But rather go the route of 50/50 my heart and my logic.  That makes sense!


Today is a beautiful day journal and all is well!

Never say Never - The Fray
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfGRUCsObZ0

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying - The Shawshank Redemption

I haven't added anything to my movie clips collection in so long, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/04/david-kross-in-reader-01.html I don't want to stop doing the things I said I would do on my blog... Sooooo as I was always one to quote movies and this is one of my favorite movies ever, I simply must share and say to you whomever comes across this post.....

That you have to... "GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYING!"

THE SHAWSHANK REDEPTION.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46GwJbrMghQ

YURI - REGRESARAS -

This was my favorite song when I was like 12... Has to go on my blog.......


YURI - Regresaras
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6ZLLqfVMWY

MAYBE I'M JUST A BAD GIRL?

Dear Journal:

I get yelled at by my mother as if I am a little girl and to be honest, sometimes I feel like one.  Really Jazz? you don't know how to act around a man? I went on a date last night and I honestly have to say that I don't know why people bother! UGH! It was sort of not planned and very spontaneous but I should of never went because deep inside I know I am only doing it in an effort to keep it moving to "be out there" to "keep my options open" but if I am doing all these things just to do them, then how am I being true to myself? how am I being honest with people when I am hanging out with them and all along thinking, ok Jazz YOU CAN DO THIS! and then it happened, he leans in and kisses me and I am like WHAT THE FUCK! I kissed him back I mean he is a handsome man and he was very awesome and he was really cool, but I wasn't feeling him that way, I didn't feel romantic toward him, I felt more like ok this is someone really cool that I can talk to.  He said that I seemed very nervous and he could tell I didn't date... DUH! NO I DON'T LIKE TO BE BOTHERED! 

As the night progressed I felt a warm feeling for him but still not the type of feeling that I want to feel when I am around someone that I am looking to potentially have something special with.  Yet I keep thinking that on paper him and I make such an amazing couple! for starters he is a 38 year old 6 foot tall handsome man who is in the process of a divorce just like me.  Key word here is 38 which by the way that is the oldest person I have ever kissed.  THAT'S JUST PLAIN CRAZY! I'm 41 years old and that's all I should be kissing.  Second, he is a professional and let me tell you that he showed me his work and I was completely in awe! like he is really awesome at what he does and he is funny and intelligent and that salt and pepper hair OH MY GOD! no reseeding hair line at all and good body.  What part of him is it exactly that I DON'T LIKE??? We started out at a diner and ended up in this really cool lounge that was playing old school hip hop and to my surprise he knew all the songs, that was weird I would never in a million years imagined he would of.  

Then there is the fact that he was a great listener and a really good kisser.  Additionally, he knows EXACTLY what he wants and guess what he told me??? He told me he wanted ME! HOW CRAZY IS MY LIFE!!! why do these things always happen to me when I am not ready??? but then again, am I going to ever be ready? what part of the fact that he has ran marathons don't I like? he loves running as much as I do, he loves hiking and camping and is just PERFECT! yet I am not feeling it!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM JOURNAL?????

When we walked out of the car to go to the lounge he immediately held my hand... I FREAKED! yes I really seriously did, it felt sooooo awkward! and he could tell and so he said that if I didn't feel comfortable he would let me go, but I told him no and I forced myself to let him continue to hold it without hyperventilating! IT WAS CRAZY! I wasn't nervous about him, I was nervous about the situation, I was nervous about the fact that I was hanging out with someone forcing myself to stay "out there" and to allow the possibility of something special in my life because that's what I should be doing, except I love my freedom, he held my hand and I felt trapped! good god WHO AM I??? and most importantly, WHEN DID I BECOME A ROBOT? This situation has me very sad and very disappointed in myself, how can I not be absolutely ecstatic that I met a wonderful man that is telling me already that he thinks I am amazing and would like to get to know me and share something special with me.  

He said all the right things he really did and I felt that he was being genuine, I really did.  I don't understand what is happening to me?  No wonder my mom yells at me! the reason why I got yelled at by my mother, is because she said that I need to make a decision about what I want and stick to it.  What my mom doesn't seem to understand is that I don't want to go out on dates and feel people out, I want MAGIC! and I know that sounds cheesy but I felt magic before, I have felt it with people and I want to feel that.  If I don't feel WOW, then I will never be happy I know myself.  Yet a huge part of me wants to give this guy a chance because he just fits into my life so nicely, he is really awesome! I'm not even kidding that I have no doubt that he is going to get snatched up by some woman that does know what she wants, that does understand the importance of a meaningful relationship, that does know a good man when she sees one.  

I guess maybe I have had so many looser's cross my path, that I don't know what I might be missing out on and this is exactly why I am afraid to try.  What if this man shows me what love is really about? how a meaningful rewarding relationship is really supposed to look like? what if I don't give him a chance and loose out on someone amazing? what do I do journal??? I'm so confused but I don't want to lie to someone or myself and I don't want to force myself to do things I don't want to.  I told him to please not pressure me and that we need to go very slow, he probably thinks that I am just saying that, but I am telling you right now, if he starts to pressure me he is gone! I will not allow someone to pressure me into doing something I do not want.  I need my space I need my time I need to be left the hell alone sometimes.  I am not desperate for a relationship and I won't give up my freedom just cause my mother is yelling at me about it.  How is that even normal that I am allowing my mom to yell at me because I won't commit to one person or because I don't like to date??? but she is and I understand why.  

I am who I am however and I like what I like and so maybe when he let's his shadow beard grow in (he says he let's it grow in sometimes) maybe once I see him like that I will feel it! Oh my god! am I THAT SHALLOW??? yet my taste isn't exquisite or anything out of this world.  Actually I was the one who reached out to him on a dating site I am on, I just happened to be reading my emails and his picture popped up and I clicked on it and sent him an email which I had actually forgotten all about because I never usually reach out to men, but a few days later he responded and next thing I knew, we were engrossed in the coolest conversation, yet I feel like I was making myself become engrossed by it, like everything I am doing lately is me forcing myself to do it, like I am not being honest with myself.

I want to be left alone! I want to crawl back into my little winter shell and disappear from people and just forget the outside world but I can't continue to do that, it isn't healthy I need to move on I need to move on.........

BAD GIRL - Madonna

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnCwe7KU6x4

Phil Collins - Another Day In Paradise

Dear Journal:

Quickest post EVA... I'm sitting at my school library doing some much needed school work.  It is 4:40 Saturday, November 3, 2012 and I'm listening to grooveshark and this song comes on... Not only do I LOVE Phil Collins, but I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS SONG!  I love so many different songs that I could never pick a favorite, but as I sit here trying to concentrate on some school work I cannot help but to thank the universe god and all my angels who have kept my family and I safe during these difficult days after Hurricane Sandy.

I am so blessed in that I have never really truly experienced hardships as I have seen others do so, so to me, today is just another day for me in paradise.  For this I am eternally grateful! life is truly good to me.  I only hope that other people are able to cope and overcome these difficult days and that good energy and love comes their way today and always... I AM ONE LUCKY LADY!

I try to remember each and every day what great things I have in my life and to share with those less fortunate whenever I can.  Give so that you may receive... 

Peace and Love!

 Phil Collins - Another Day in Paradise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt2mbGP6vFI

I'M SORRY! I SCREWED UP!......

"The unexamined life is not worth living" ~ Socrates

As a Psychology major one of the things I spend a lot of my time thinking about, is human behavior.  No I don't go around psychoanalyzing each and every person I know or interact with.  For starters, I am no where near capable of or trained properly nor have I studied enough to really know how to properly analyze situations.  However my Introduction to Psychology professor once told us that Psychology has a lot to do with intuition, that it takes a certain person to see other people and to be able to sort of get them like most others wouldn't.  I think I sort of have the intuition that he was referring to, I believe that because I am a very strange creature myself, it is easy for me to see people and understand them.  Sometimes people may think I am trying to analyze them but I really am not, I just sort of get them and understand their behavior.

I am writing this post because I have a confession to make that is not so much a journal entry, but a sort of reflection about something that I did that I feel extremely horrible and guilty about.  When I started my journal nearly two years ago, I wrote on that first journal entry that I wanted to make this journal about life, I wanted to share my experiences with people so that they could read my entries and in doing so, they could hopefully relate to my challenges and realize that we all as human beings go through almost the same sorts of things.  Meaning that we all experience certain feelings and that no matter who you are, you undoubtedly are not perfect in any way shape or form.  I am for sure not perfect in any way shape or form, I only hope that in examining the things that I do, I can always grow and learn and become a bit better and hopefully in the process of growing I will not hurt others or betray or do something horrible.

However, I am feeling really horrible lately because I betrayed someone's trust and doing that makes me feel like scum.  It really really does and no matter how I try to look at the situation and what I did, what I did was still wrong, it was wrong in my eyes.  The worst part about this is that it took me months and months to actually gain the trust of this individual only to betray him and confirm to him that all people that he let's in are scum.  How do I make it up to him? or more importantly how will he ever trust others if the one person he was starting to truly believe in let him down?

Although I don't want to write every detail of the situation, it is important for me to write what happened in order for who ever reads this post to sort of understand why I feel the way that I do.  My life is an open book and although some will undoubtedly judge me for what I share, I don't care because the point is that I want to write about this situation because not only am I learning from it, but I feel so guilty about it that I have to put it out there for the world to see, I need to put my shame on here my blog because I am not perfect and I don't ever want people thinking that I am some goody goody person that doesn't mess up from time to time.  I do mess up ALOT! but I don't ever do anything with intentions to hurt anyone or disrespect anyone.  I am just living my life and as a single woman, who doesn't really date I still end up in some crappy situations sometimes because no matter how hard I try NOT TO MESS UP, people's feelings are involved and therefore things just turn out messed up.  

So I went to a wedding about a year and a half ago to another state, while I was there I met this guy who I started to talk to and became romantically involved with.  Due to the distance he and I never really had a serious relationship, but I must admit that there were many times that I felt that he was definitely someone that I could see myself with.  Although he is younger than I am (shocker) he already has children and it was this very thing that made it comfortable for me to see myself with him.  Additionally, I kept thinking that if things worked out between us, I would leave NYC in a heartbeat after I finished school and he and I could be together.  

After he and I met I went back to visit him and while I was there I met one of his friends, his friend at the time was dating someone and I offered all of them my home in the event that they ever wanted to visit NYC.  His friend and I stayed in touch mostly because the guy I was seeing and I would stop talking for weeks sometimes because we would constantly fight, so in order for me to find out how he was doing, I would contact his friend to ask him. 

We had this crazy relationship because he was all over the place and although I knew he cared about me he wasn't were he needed to be in order to give to me what I would of liked to have from him.  Basically, I wasn't going to move and neither was he so we pretty much although we both wanted each other we both weren't willing to give anything up.  I knew that he didn't trust me at first, but as he got to know me he began to trust me, he really really did and I so greatly appreciated it because I knew that to him like myself, trust was a big deal.  

He and I went on vacation last summer and although we were together for three nights when we slept we each slept on a different sides of the bed.  He and I are so much alike that I sort of saw myself in him and I feel that he saw himself in me, we both have this extreme fear of commitment, trust and intimacy and that is the reason why what we had sort of made sense.  The feelings we had for one another were immense.  I cannot say that I was in love with him because it never got to that, but he was definitely someone that I thought I would give my love to if he would of done the right things, I also know that he wanted to give me his love but was just afraid of doing so.  

I would always understand everything about him even the fact that he is the type of man that all women want, the handsome bad boy that is constantly using a woman to get what he needs, his charm and free spirit and looks are just crazy! he is a woman magnet and had I not been older than he is and had I not been around as much as I have been, I would of probably fell victim of his games and his charm and probably would of thought that I was madly in love with him because that's what he made you want to feel for him.  However, I never was in love with him because I don't just fall in love with people falling in love in my opinion takes time and really getting to know a person, still I sympathized with him I understood him and could relate to him.  But the most important thing about us was that we were honest to one another, he told me about all the women that surrounded him, who they were, what they meant, what they did for him EVERYTHING.  He was my friend, my true friend who knew that I would never judge him based on him being a player or him having so many women in his life.  I know that when the right one comes, he will be true to her and I also know that if he could of given me what I needed, he would of left them all just to be with me.  I am positive about it.

Although our romantic relationship ended and it wasn't in a bad way but rather a mutual understanding, he and I kept in touch.   I also stayed in touch with his friend because his friend is very respectful and was always very nice to me.  Part of me however always knew that his friend was trying to get something from me I knew this because he would say certain things that would feel confusing.  Part of me felt like I wanted to experiment with the idea, but the other part of me kept thinking that this whole situation was wrong.  At one point, I even stopped talking to the friend because I felt wrong doing so, in my heart I knew who I cared about and didn't want to end up in some crazy situation.  When I would ask people about their thoughts about this, they would always tell me that I wasn't doing anything wrong, after all, I no longer had any sort of romantic interactions with this first person and additionally, he was moving on with his life as I should be also, still, why did I feel so guilty?

A few months ago his friend asked me if my offer for him to come to NY still stood and I immediately said ok.  However the whole time before his visit, I kept thinking that him coming to NY was wrong in so many levels, like for starters his friend who was the person I actually had a romantic relationship with, never got around to coming to NY to see me yet we would often talk about it, yet here I was about to live the experience with his friend, it all just felt wrong.  To make myself feel better, I contacted the one that I had a romantic relationship with and I told him that his friend was coming to visit and that I hope he didn't mind.  Obviously, this made him upset as he should have been.

Part of me didn't feel bad because well we are no longer romantically linked, but the part of me that still sees him with loving eyes, felt horrible! he's the one I always liked, he's the one I always felt close to, he's the one I always wanted to enjoy NY with.  So what happened when his friend did come visit me? well, for starters I felt crummy about him being here.  Secondly, I kept thinking about the other guy and talking about him to his friend to the point that I had to stop myself because I could tell it felt uncomfortable to him.  Lastly although I was very nice to him while he was here, I kept feeling this sort of resentment towards him, like a feeling of dislike.  I felt like he came here on purpose to prove a point since they sort of have a rivalry between them.  I felt like I was stuck in the middle of two friends who are trying to prove to each other that the other is better.  Although I honestly never saw that rivalry from the part of the guy I was romantically involved with, I definitely noticed it in the friend that was visiting me.  I don't understand why? and neither one of them is better, they are both just very different people.  

While writing this post I realize that although technically I didn't do anything wrong, what I did was horrible! and I feel horrible about it! I betrayed the trust of someone that was meaningful to me even though he and I are not romantically involved anymore.  Also, I know that he saw me as a woman that is sincere and genuine and look what I did? I really do try to be sincere and genuine which is why before his friend came to visit me I contacted him and told him about it.  Still, I should of never allowed his friend to come visit unless he came with him.  

I am really sorry I truly am! I don't like comparing two people but honestly, you can't compare someone you have these strong emotional attachments to, to someone that you see as just a good friend in a platonic way.  While his friend was in NY I made it perfectly clear to him that if in the back of his mind there was ever any underlying reason for him coming to NY, it was NEVER going to happen, because if I had to make a choice which I don't, but if I did have to then there is no doubt in my mind that the bad boy is the one I would be with.  Yes I would! he made me feel like not many are capable of and for that reason, and that reason only do I feel like I betrayed him.  I screwed up in that I betrayed his trust and he probably now sees me as he sees all other women that he has cared about.  But what am I supposed to do? I am just living my life trying to do right by all people I meet.  But honestly, sometimes it feels like a huge task that I am just tired of carrying out.

Foxy Brown - Sorry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuX5dfMA668

please note: the songs I attach to my blog posts are not dedications, it's just that I love music and can always sort of find a song to relate to my writing or the subject of my post....... music..... so lovely it is! 

Dear Journal: 10-30-12.....

Dear Journal:

I noticed one very important thing about myself in the last few days, I realized that I hate being home! I feel like I am in a cage and it drives me insane and even though I have been out, I feel like I have been in way too much!  I can't sit and watch TV or movies and that is so weird, I feel like I have so much energy all the time that I can't stay still it's a bit annoying.  Maybe though, I felt that way because of the whole Hurricane situation and not knowing what was going to happen.  I am not one to be panicked but inside I do feel very anxious about these things.  These things can be very serious I never take mother nature for granted.

Yesterday, October 29, 2012 New York City got hit with a Hurricane.  Before the Hurricane hit, I went over to the strip that overlooks the Verrazano bridge, which is in my opinion one of the most awesome bridges in NYC.  I went because I love nature and I wanted to see nature at it's finest I wanted to see the ocean and feel it's love.  I know that saying that I wanted to feel the oceans love sounds weird, but it is love it is the universe being one with us when mother nature let's out her energy and goes right through us.  I used to think that when things like that happened, it was because god was angry, I no longer think that.  I now think that god doesn't do any of that, we do, us, men we do it all.  

I wanted to go and check out the scene and so I did.  Believe it or not, at one point I felt one with the air and earth.  I know sometimes I sound very strange but mother nature fascinates me, it is so beautiful this our world.  I don't ever much understand why people don't care for it, it saddens me that people don't see the world as I do.  It's such a beautiful amazing place full of mystery.  

So at one point I closed my eyes and just allowed the air to hit my face, I closed my eyes and stood in the moment and it was amazing, the water was hitting my cheeks the air brushed passed my hands and my fingers and I closed my eyes and felt one with the energy all around me.  I almost felt like I needed it to regain energy as lately I often feel like my energy is being sucked away by negative feelings and angry thoughts.  I need to constantly call out to love in order to control my temper and my anger and my rage.  Yesterday I felt very sad, angry, hurt and jealous at one point because I felt that someone's actions toward me have not been very kind, but that is a whole other post and quite honestly I don't feel it is worthy of writing.  People lie, that is what they often do but when you have been honest and you feel lied to, it's really sad and that's when all those other sentiments come into play.  I try not to allow those negative feelings to posses my life and my heart and my soul, so because I was feeling all this negative energy and bad feelings that don't serve any purpose in my life, I went out to regain good positive energy and love from mother nature.  It was AWESOME!

My 13 year old son and I were fascinated by these little creatures that were all coming up out from under the rocks and it was pretty sweet, I even wanted to touch one and I NEVER want to touch any creepy crawlers.  But the most significant thing that happened yesterday was that I communicated via email with my BK, my lovely friend BK! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/how-jazzy-got-her-groove-back.html I realized yesterday how much I still miss him being in my life and although our email conversation was short I felt like we both finally got some closure like we are ok now.  

It's so strange because I mentioned him to a friend of mine the other day and when I did so, the person I mentioned him to made a reference with regard to sex, he said that I must have really liked hanging out with this guy because he was young and I liked "young XYZ" I can't actually write the word he utilized because my blog is PG13.  I was really offended by his comment because I honestly think that the person who made that comment, really believes that my life revolves around thinking about sex and honestly that is so far from the truth.  Yes his comment was really inappropriate and immature for a grown man, but sometimes when people make stupid comments instead of me defending myself I allow them to think what they want.  Go ahead judge me all you want! because you will never know all that I am and that is just fine and dandy!

Yes I think of sex often, but that is not all I spend my time thinking about but at the end of the day however, his opinion really didn't matter and I didn't feel like explaining to him how what I shared with BK was truly special and how he was honest and sincere and always true to me even though he was a young man, something I must honestly say the person making the comment doesn't have a clue about as honesty in my opinion is only a word he uses to pretend he is something he probably isn't.  Maybe I am wrong I sure hope I am.  

Regardless, I know that BK's feelings for me were very genuine and that he was a true friend the kind of person that I allowed into my heart very deeply.   And so yesterday I got this email from BK and I responded being a really nasty bitch to him because of what had happened earlier when I was really consumed by anger and jealousy and even some hate and so my poor BK got some of my anger but not only because I was angry at the situation that had just happened, but also because BK himself had not been very nice to me in the past and actually, I had not heard from him in quite a while as he stopped talking to me for I would say about 2 years now.  To my surprise however he responded to my nasty response to him and I was really shocked and also very happy.  I feel like those few emails we exchanged felt like closure to both of us it was like we were ok with things and I must admit that talking to him felt really good.  He is now in a happy relationship and I am so happy for him, I love him and always wish him nothing but the very best! he was a special young man in my life and he was part of the plan of my growth.

Journal as I write this entry I am listening to the romantic music mix that Benjamin made for me years ago http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/10/dear-men-what-woman-really-wants.html I really enjoy working to this music, it is very soothing and makes me feel happy.  Once upon a time I couldn't even listen to it.  I am moving on from all of that slowly I really am this makes me really happy.  I feel really good today, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I feel free I feel free from all that negative energy that was consuming me yesterday, I am free from anger and jealousy and even hate.  I am allowing love to flow back into my soul.... FOR LOVE IS THE ONLY SENTIMENT I WILL ALLOW IN MY HEART!

Journal...... ALL IS WELL IN MY SOUL! ALL IS WELL IN NEW YORK! YAY!!!

Check out one of the songs on my music mix... THANK YOU BENJAMIN... Maybe listening to your music mix reminds me of what I truly deserve.

Les Nubians Ft. The Roots-Sweetest Taboo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGafHuld9-c

To Cuddle or Not to Cuddle???

Cuddling in my opinion is SO EXTREMELY PERSONAL! that I quite honestly don't understand how people go from cuddle partner to cuddle partner to cuddle partner! for me, cuddling is kind of like falling in love, meaning that for me to cuddle with someone I have to like grow into the feeling like I have to little by little gain trust. I have to know that this person I am going to allow to rub my feet with theirs is genuine and honest and someone I truly trust.  

I am going to tell you my last cuddle story, because I have to admit that when I cuddled with him, I felt like a starving person seeking food, like a desperate woman in need of love or in this case in need of affection, cuddling after all is just that it's a form of affection.  I think I am becoming a really really cold shallow person but honestly, almost everyone I cuddled with in my life I had a relationship with, so I don't know how to like have a sexual moment with someone and then lay there and let that person warm themselves up with my body heat and hold me and pretend I mean something to them or lay there and hold them and pretend they might mean something to me.  I think that's so damn fake please don't hold me pretending you have some sort of feeling of closeness to me and then after we leave this room I don't hear from you for days, that to me is just so damn fake! I only want to hold someone close to me if it's something special, if it's someone that I have special feelings for.  I'M SOOOO DAMN WEIRD! 

Anyway, my last cuddle session was at a jail in Colombia.... YUP!!! I am DEAD SERIOUS! in Colombia when you visit someone in jail, they don't have fancy visiting rooms or visiting areas, the visitors are able to go into the jail cell of the inmate and while you are there, anything and everything goes! you can basically take naps on the inmates bed if you want to and couples are left to do their thing if they need to.  When there are two cell mates in one cell and one has a significant other, they are respectful to each other and whom ever does not have a visit will leave the cell so that the other person can have privacy.  I have to say that it's pretty interesting the way things are done there.  

Back in February, I went to Colombia and while I was there I went to visit one of my best friends who has been there for about three years now.  When I went to visit him, I felt so extremely happy because I had not seen him in so long.  Well! as soon as I got into his cell, I started kissing him and hugging him and I told him that he had to lay down with me and hug me.... Come here I said to him, PLEASE COME LAY DOWN WITH ME! he kept laughing and telling me that I was needy and the whole time I just kept saying... shut up and hold me! during the whole visit, he had to lay on the bed with me and had to cuddle up with me and at one point, I made him take off his shoes and rub feet with me! I have to say that it was truly awesome! cuddling with him felt perfect to me, it felt right and most of all it felt safe!

When I think about that safe feeling, I realize that the reason why I don't like to go around cuddling up with people is because I don't want to get used to things that aren't going to be constant.  Like why in the world would I allow someone to have the pleasure of holding me close to them of smelling my sweet perfume and maybe all the while, they are holding me and probably thinking of someone else? or maybe doing it because it's the right thing to do after an intimate but really not so intimate moment? meaning unless you know that you are cuddling up with someone that you have an understanding with that you are both heading in the same direction that you are both feeling certain things for one another and it's a special thing, then of course it's different.  But as a female it is really hard for me to let someone hold me in their arms if in my mind I feel that they are holding me just cause or that it's just a need for the moment or that they feel that's what they should do because that's what women expect after intimacy.  

Anyway, I was ever so grateful to my Nacho who I miss all the time, because if there has been any man in these last five years that I have been single, that has truly cared for me as a friend and person, he is at the top of the list.  I trust him because I know that he is genuine with me, was always honest, was always sincere.  I know that he loves me just as I am and would do anything for me no matter what it takes.  If you haven't read the story of my Nacho, you can find it here..... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/love-sex-drugs.html

To cuddle is to be intimate, so if you don't feel safe in someone's arms there is no point to be in them to begin with.  Cuddle up with the pillow! pillows are safe, cozy and very warm! GOD I'M SO WEIRD!