The other day, my ex husband told me that his friend told him that my Facebook status always appeared as if I was a lonely miserable old woman who had become a (biata) Biata, is a term they use in my country to describe an older woman who has never been married or had children or a boyfriend. When he told me this, my first reaction was my mouth dropping, followed by a burst of laughter. To my surprise, my ex told me that he had defended me and told his friend that I was very happy. What the fuck! he defended me??? the same person who tells me I should get myself a man cause I'm miserable. Weird, but I was impressed that he defended me.
So here is the deal, thank you friend for your concern about my lonely desperate state at 39, and I am really glad that people actually give a damn about my Facebook status since after all, Facebook is so important and vital, but I will write on here my thoughts on this comment that left me thinking about love, relationships and evaluating my wants and needs in this aspect of my life.
I have been in a serious relationship since I was 15 years old. My very first serious boyfriend was 25 years old and I was 15, after he broke my heart, I landed in the hands of another person (rebound) who also broke my heart and then I landed in the hands of another (rebound) and after that, I landed in the hands of another and another and so forth. I have gone from relationship to relationship to relationship without once taking time out for myself to discover who I am or what I really want. I almost feel that I am not me, but rather, I am a combination of all these different people that I had in my life since the age of 15, that where my boyfriends and husbands. I truly believe that when we are in relationships, we start to adopt the things the other person likes. This isn’t a bad thing maybe, but either way I was always going from serious relationship to serious relationship and I am seriously exhausted. I have never been single for as long as I have been now, and I have to say, that I absolutely love my freedom.
When I became single after my breakup, I was desperately looking for love. Because being in a relationship is the only way I knew how to be. I would go to the clubs, to the dating websites, to the market and laundromat looking for it. Desperately seeking the next man that could fill the void of being alone, imagine, 21 years of relationships and all of a sudden nada, zip, zippo no man in my life to call my own THAT WAS UN HEARD OF! and then I met him, right after my break up, the man I call Benjamin, the one I am in love with, or am I? (he and I are no longer friends) but the whole time that we were, I was fighting my feelings trying not to fall for him, because I was exhausted of being in relationships and tired of having rebound loves.
For the first time in my life I wanted to meet Jazzy, talk to myself on the street, hold my own hand, dance by myself in the club, fight with myself at home, choose what I liked to wear, eat what I enjoyed eating, do the activities that I wanted to do, not call someone to tell him every move I made, buy a ticket to wherever I wanted to go without having to discuss it, get fat, skinny, dress slutty or like a nun, not cook if I didn't want to, talk to as many men as I want to without anyone being jealous, flirt with the world, kiss a girl and just be me, without no man giving me shit. I love it, I have become almost selfish to this type of life.
Now, if I sit here and write this and say that there are not some days that I want to jump off the verrazano bridge cause I get desperately lonely, then I would be a straight up hypocrite, I won’t deny that there are some days that I am like, damn! I want someone to ask me how I am doing this morning, or damn! it would be nice to have someone to kiss regularly as kissing is my weakness. Or damn! I miss having meaningful sex. But for the most part, my life is so impossibly busy that I don’t have much time to sit and dwell about being single.
My children also fill me tremendously, some days, when i am feeling a bit lonely and lacking "relationship love" I cling to them for dear life and give them extra hugs and kisses, I also have incredible people in my life that help fill the void of having a serious relationship, good friends and family that give me lots of love.
So yes, maybe I am a (biata) and maybe I put some seriously depressing status updates on Facebook. But fear not dear friend, this girl Jazzy is A-OK and when the time is right, I am sure that I will meet a wonderful man that will change my life forever! but until then, I plan on continuing to enjoy my life, party like a rock star continue to discover who I really am and have myself a ball enjoying my single life to the fullest! because when it comes to relationships, i’ve been there done that :)
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