Today as I was packing my boxes to move. I found a journal that I wrote back in 1992. I couldn’t believe the things I read. While I was reading it, I felt like I was reading a story about someone else. Then I became sad, because I thought about the time when I was 16 years old and my then boyfriend, had taken all my diaries and thrown them down the incinerator from his building.
When I was 16 years old, I ran away from home to move in with my boyfriend. Yes I was a teen run away! the day I decided to run away, I remember feeling this sense of freedom and fear combined in one. At 16, I knew it all (or so I thought) and I wanted to be with my boyfriend. His name was Phil and he was in a wheelchair, he had a disease called, muscular dystrophy. Muscular dystrophy, refers to a group of hereditary muscle diseases. There are different kinds of diseases that fall under that umbrella, but basically it’s almost different levels of it. What this disease does is that your muscles are weak, and as you get older, the muscles get weaker and weaker, or depending on which type of this disease you have, it might not have to do anything with your age, it can just be a faster more advanced type, eventually your muscles are so weak that your heart will stop because well, our heart after all, is a muscle.
When I think back at the relationship that I had with Phil, I can’t really remember much. I do remember one thing though, I remember his friend Angel. Angel was one of the cutest guys I have ever been with in my opinion. Did I just write ever been with? oh yeah I did. Well here’s the deal, Angel could walk Phil couldn’t, so most of the time Angel was with Phil and I, because he was one of his best friends and would help push Phil’s wheelchair around.
Phil loved to DJ and so we would always go out to the clubs to hang out. Yes, at 16 I would go to Studio 54, it wasn’t as cool as it was in the late 70’s but the 3 of us would go, every single weekend, I don't know nor do I remember how it was possible that a bunch of 16 year old’s could get into a club. I do remember one thing though, hanging out with Marc Anthony, yes THE Marc Anthony, he was absolutely a no one then, but I did hang out with him in the DJ booth of studio 54. Phil was very popular, who the hell wouldn't be friends with someone in a wheelchair??? Phil knew the DJ who knew Marc Anthony who sang in English and was trying to make it. Phil knew EVERYBODY! and because I was Phil's girlfriend, I got to hang in the DJ booth also. I bet if I saw Marc Anthony now and tried to say hello, he'd probably think I was a crazy woman of some sort.
Phil loved to DJ and so we would always go out to the clubs to hang out. Yes, at 16 I would go to Studio 54, it wasn’t as cool as it was in the late 70’s but the 3 of us would go, every single weekend, I don't know nor do I remember how it was possible that a bunch of 16 year old’s could get into a club. I do remember one thing though, hanging out with Marc Anthony, yes THE Marc Anthony, he was absolutely a no one then, but I did hang out with him in the DJ booth of studio 54. Phil was very popular, who the hell wouldn't be friends with someone in a wheelchair??? Phil knew the DJ who knew Marc Anthony who sang in English and was trying to make it. Phil knew EVERYBODY! and because I was Phil's girlfriend, I got to hang in the DJ booth also. I bet if I saw Marc Anthony now and tried to say hello, he'd probably think I was a crazy woman of some sort.
Anyway, Angel was alllllways with us, so you know what started to happen right? yeah, him and I started to really like each other. Angel would come over everyday just to “hang out with Phil” or rather, to be with me. We were 3 high school drop outs just playing video games all day long and going to the clubs on the weekends. Yeah, I dropped out of High School after my district suspension which basically meant that I could not attend any school in my district. After I was told I couldn’t attend any school around my way, I just dropped out.
When my mother finally was able to convince me to come home almost a year later, I decided to go back to High School, I didn’t want to get a GED so I went back to an Alternative HS which I loved. That is where I wrote my journal that I was reading today which I wrote in 1992, I graduated from HS at 21. Wow, most ppl. I currently attend college with are that age. But I went back to HS and got my HS Diploma, this made me happy.
Now back to Angel. I guess I’m writing this because I have never really trusted the person I’m in a relationship with to hang around with my friends. Maybe this mistrust stems from the fact that well, I was always with my boyfriends friend which caused me to catch feelings for him, but then again I was 16 and isn’t that what we do at that age??? who know’s I can’t remember. I never cheated on Phil with Angel, because I have always been faithful to my significant other, however, when Phil and I broke up, I did start going out with Angel, we were together for about a year (I was with Phil for about 8months) the whole time we were together, NO ONE knew about it, because in Chelsea projects (Chelsea NYC that is), I was known as “Phil’s girl”. Angel and I kept it on the low.
So today as I was reading that journal, I went down memory lane and remembered how one day fighting with Phil, he grabbed my diaries and told me that if I didn’t throw them out, he would break up with me, naturally I had to give them to him so he could throw down the incinerator (what the fuck was I thinking!!!). 1992, where did the time go?
I have no point for this post, I am just rambling and writing down my thoughts (this is after all Jazzy’s Journal) you see the name on top of the page? EXACTLY! it’s my journal so I’m “JOURNALING” anywho, if you were expecting a point of some sort you won’t find it here, I just really felt like writing, especially since I read my journal and had all these memories.
I do have to say though that I never thought about this until this very second, but, what was Phil’s mom thinking letting me move in with her son? was it because she was afraid that one day her son’s heart would stop beating because his muscles were weak? did she just want him to always be happy no matter what? as a mom, I can’t imagine how scary it must feel to know that your child has an incurable disease. And me, dating a boy in a wheelchair using him probably to get away from my home my problems.
I cared about him very much I am sure of it, but at that age it wasn’t love, because when you love someone you don’t like their friend. It’s so weird how we live and learn, the process of life. I spoke to Phil a few years ago, he’s still alive but his condition is worse, he also has a son. Angel ended up being a crack head and now lives in some mid western city (can’t remember where) he’s off of crack. Yeah, I’m random, I like to write and you are reading my journal and these are my thoughts today. Life is so crazy! or is it my life that's crazy?
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