Dear Journal: Tuesday August, 21st. 4:30pm.
This afternoon I was telling my co-worker that I had failed miserably with letting go of my bad habit of reading everything that Mr. Nunez (that's not his real name) has to say on the world wide web. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/28-days-to-overcome-addiction.html I had not told her about my failure sooner, because she always encourages me and backs me up on my decisions. I felt like I was letting her down, by not being able to go through with the whole 28 days, and continue thereafter. Finally however, I decided today to tell her but also explained to her, that all I could do after that little episode, is to lift myself back up and try again. I compared what happened, to what happens when your on a diet and then all of a sudden one day, you completely loose control and binge eat ice cream all day!.......Oh, you don't do that?? Hmm, well then maybe I should reword that last sentence to say, when I binge eat ice cream all day! YUMERS!
Those are probably my favorite days of the year and worst days as well. When that happens, it usually goes hand in hand with some sort of anxiety I am experiencing, and so to calm my anxiety, I eat ice cream and probably cry or something. It happened at the beginning of my 28 days when I had a total episode and went crazy with the ice cream. Anyway, I told my co-worker who looked at me sympathetically without judgement, that I had a bad moment, that I gave up, but that I was going to compare that to the days when I would binge eat. That all I could do at this point is dust myself off and start over. Just because I ate ice cream all day for a whole day, doesn't mean I HAVE to do so every day. I am not a quitter and have always tried and will continue to do so. And so she said that she understood what I meant and that I should just keep trying. I continued that my goal is to one day, try to remember what it is that I forgot. Like.... Remember that guy? What was his name again? Yeah, that would be pretty cool!
In other Jazzy news, I cut my hair really short again and dyed it reddish, I didn't permanently dye it, only semi permanent which is awesome! In a few weeks, the dye will wash out and my hair will be dark all over again. I enjoy playing with different hair styles, I find it to be a lot of fun. I hate seeing the same hair everyday.
What else! Oh yeah.... The neighbor! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html so you remember how I said I was going to be mean to my neighbor and act casual the next time I saw him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-7-21-12.html well! that didn't go over too well! for starters, I had sort of forgotten about it a bit, ok yes I did look toward the stair case that he usually walks down from every single time I left or came into the building, and YES I watched to see if he was in the vicinity, but for the most part, I TOTALLY had forgotten about him! (Jazzy clears throat and feels guilty for what I just wrote) no for real! honest! Scouts Honor!
Ok so I'm walking out of my building with my two youngest kids and there he was! IN MY FACE! at first I was surprised because I seriously in that moment was talking to my kids so
he caught me off guard. Anyway he greets me and my son who he had previously met on the train (and was really nice to and made friends with him) and then asked me who the little mini me was.
In other Jazzy news, I cut my hair really short again and dyed it reddish, I didn't permanently dye it, only semi permanent which is awesome! In a few weeks, the dye will wash out and my hair will be dark all over again. I enjoy playing with different hair styles, I find it to be a lot of fun. I hate seeing the same hair everyday.
What else! Oh yeah.... The neighbor! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html so you remember how I said I was going to be mean to my neighbor and act casual the next time I saw him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-7-21-12.html well! that didn't go over too well! for starters, I had sort of forgotten about it a bit, ok yes I did look toward the stair case that he usually walks down from every single time I left or came into the building, and YES I watched to see if he was in the vicinity, but for the most part, I TOTALLY had forgotten about him! (Jazzy clears throat and feels guilty for what I just wrote) no for real! honest! Scouts Honor!
Ok so I'm walking out of my building with my two youngest kids and there he was! IN MY FACE! at first I was surprised because I seriously in that moment was talking to my kids so
he caught me off guard. Anyway he greets me and my son who he had previously met on the train (and was really nice to and made friends with him) and then asked me who the little mini me was.
My daughter! GOD help us all!!! (she's 4) she started going on and on talking his ear out! (kinda reminds me of me!) and he absolutely loved every minute of it! me on the other hand I stood there almost paralyzed like a total idiot not knowing how to act! (why do I always get that way???) so I tell him that he should give me his number so that the next time I have a break from my kids and want to hang out, I can come visit him at his part time DJ gig that he has on the weekend. We exchange numbers and I ask if he remembers my name which he did and then my daughter starts saying that she wants us to leave why are we still standing there.
Clearly I wanted to crawl under something after her comment, but I try to act calm and collective and am about to say bye and he says "where you guys going?" so we tell him to get pizza and the next thing I know, we are all sitting at a pizzeria having pizza and getting music that's playing on the radio with my Shazam app. He's sitting there dancing, I'm talking to the guys behind the counter telling them that he is so funny and likes to dance on tables sometimes and everyone is laughing having a good time all the while in the back of my mind im like....What the fuck!
Ok so everything after that is a blur to me. All I know is that he talked to my daughter most of the time. They had all sorts of conversations and I just sort of stood around, not knowing how I felt about this whole scene. I remember thinking, what the fuck is going on! and Oh my God! I hope Jazzy Jr. doesn't curse! the whole time, I was at the edge of my seat, I'm not sure how I feel about someone I have a crush on, being around my children, they don't know much about my love life (not that I have one) but well, I am very protective of them and prefer it that way.
After pizza we walked home laughing the whole time and by the time I got home, I still couldn't believe what had happened. Had he been any other neighbor, it would of been whatever, but he isn't just ANY neighbor, he's THE neighbor!
Ok so everything after that is a blur to me. All I know is that he talked to my daughter most of the time. They had all sorts of conversations and I just sort of stood around, not knowing how I felt about this whole scene. I remember thinking, what the fuck is going on! and Oh my God! I hope Jazzy Jr. doesn't curse! the whole time, I was at the edge of my seat, I'm not sure how I feel about someone I have a crush on, being around my children, they don't know much about my love life (not that I have one) but well, I am very protective of them and prefer it that way.
After pizza we walked home laughing the whole time and by the time I got home, I still couldn't believe what had happened. Had he been any other neighbor, it would of been whatever, but he isn't just ANY neighbor, he's THE neighbor!
After that day, him and I have been talking and I don't want to say too much about the fact that we talk, but I guess I now see him more as "just a neighbor" I think that we will become really cool friends and that will probably be it. To think that all this time, all the anticipation and at the end of the day, well I made a new friend, which is something I always welcome in my life. I do have to say that he is pretty awesome! when I saw him the very first time ever which was about a year and a half ago, I was attracted to him instantly, he is my type from head to toe, but getting to know him as a person, I realize that he is not only handsome in my eyes, he is also and extremely extraordinary person, who I would like to have in my life as a friend more so that anything else. I think I am almost sad that I can't continue to feel the butterflies and all that other good stuff you feel when your crushing, because now it's on a whole other level, one which is strictly at this point platonic in nature. There is not much more to report on this, however, if anything great happens worthy of reporting, I will make sure to do so.
Ok well I just reached my college campus. It is Tuesday 4:37 pm and I have a final on stupid robots in about an hour and a half.
Oh one more thing, I was never a Girl Scout (insert evil yellow smiley face here)
Over and out!
Ok well I just reached my college campus. It is Tuesday 4:37 pm and I have a final on stupid robots in about an hour and a half.
Oh one more thing, I was never a Girl Scout (insert evil yellow smiley face here)
Over and out!
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