One Crazy Night!

 Dear journal -

I simply must tell you the night I had because it was pretty wild! but first, can I just say that life has been pretty weird for me lately.  I don't know what is in the air but all these people from my past have been popping up out of nowhere and when I say people I mean men.  It's as if there was a notice sent out that I am single again.  I've been single now for 9 months that's almost a year, but it still feels so new to me.  I am still getting used to being myself again and being single and having all these freedoms that I didn't for the past 4 years.  I'm not saying that while I was with my ex I wasn't free, I mean technically I was, no one owns you, but I mean just me making decisions by myself about everything.  

Before I tell you about last night, I want to tell you about my internal dilemma! the story goes a little something like this.  Once upon a time, this woman right here lived a happy life in Brooklyn, NY.  I was single and loving life but I was also this crazy scary bitch as it turns out.  Looking back at myself back then and even reading through some of my past journal entries, I feel so sad that at some point in my life I was a cold hearted bitch who treated men pretty shitty, and I have to say that I never did it intentionally, I was only protecting myself, because I had been hurt so many times that I had learned to almost shield my heart to the point that I was like a robot maybe? the reason why I'm saying this is because I have been thinking about past, friends with benefits I guess, I've been thinking about it because I'm trying to figure out what my current needs are and or what I want.  It's been very confusing for me lately because part of me doesn't want to be with anyone serious, the other part realizes that friends with benefits is almost a myth sometimes! however, when I lived in NY I was really good at it and I found out just yesterday why! 

I messaged one of my ex fwb because after I moved to CO, one day I had gotten a friend request on FB from someone who played that role in my life, when I saw him I was like.... how the F! did he find me on FB, I don't even use my full name, anyway I didn't mind and we connected and through the years I watched as he met a girl, fell in love, got married and had a baby! crazy! I don't usually talk to him but I felt like saying hello because well, I was thinking about fwb so I say hello to him and he's like, holy shit I was just thinking about you and from there we went down memory lane and it's been getting a little crazy! and when I say crazy I mean we are talking about meeting up when I'm in NY next.  Ok, he's MARRIED! I have no idea what the hell I'm doing but journal, this man has gotten hotter with age! also, I knew him first! ALSO we had amazing sexual chemistry! I'm not saying that's why we are meeting, but I don't know I'm feeling so tempted and this makes me sad that I'm almost ready to do something I know for a fact I will feel guilty about because well, HE'S MARRIED! UGH! 

So, during one of our conversations he said to me, do you still not kiss anyone? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! I was like, what do you mean? he was like, well when we used to hang out you never used to kiss me because you said it made things too personal! WHAT AM I A HOOKER??? OMG! after he told me that, I remembered that I had that as a rule, I LOVE kissing and I would always think, don't kiss your fwb because you might start to catch feeling for him and then it ruins everything.  I can't believe the lengths I went through back then because of that wall I had built around me that guard was up so high.  I literally cried after talking to him thinking about myself and that woman that I had become! I apologized to him and told him that I can't believe I did that and he said we would kiss a little but not really and that he thought I wasn't attracted to him so he didn't push the subject.  Wasn't attracted to him! OMG this man is HOT! did you read up top where I said I might see him when I'm back in NY because the temptation is sooooo GREAT! this is all so crazy and makes me so sad, I don't want to be that woman again but in my gutt, I feel her coming, I feel that Jazzy being reborn and It makes me scared, I don't want to be that person again!

This brings me to last night, I was crying to one of my best male friends last night telling him about the conversation I had with my ex "friend" and he told me he understood because he's been single for so long because he just can't commit because of the hurt someone caused him, but here is where shit got real crazy journal, then he turns to me and says, but I've been having those sorts of feelings for you all this time! and by all this time he means 7 years, the length of time I've been in Colorado.  I swear journal in that moment it felt like I was in some sort of movie or something where the best friend reveals his feelings and the other friend is like what just happened? as I'm writing this entry I still can't believe he told me what he did and then it all made sense to me, my ex couldn't stand him never tried being his friend and he couldn't stand my ex.  I used to think it was because I don't know they are men and felt competitive about each other like one is my friend one is my man and they just don't like each other, but now it is all so clear to me.  Maybe my ex could tell that my friend had some sort of something for me.  We don't like spend countless hours together we don't talk every day he's not like my best best friend but we have been really close and goodness I had NO CLUE that he saw me that way! after he told me that he kissed me and I just sat there in like panic mode and he didn't like put his tongue down my throat he literally tap kissed me and then did it again like 3 more times and I was just there stiff feeling overwhelmed and in disbelief! and then I was like.... I have to go! 

What is happening in my world journal! today is a sad day, because I feel like I lost one of my best friends ever! I don't feel the same about him, I love him so much but I cannot imagine us as a couple, I know him so well and he's awesome, he's so handsome and he's such a great guy, but I don't see him that way.  I know he has issues with commitment and well, him telling me that was almost like saying, I haven't wanted to commit to anyone but if we try I would be open to it with you! ugh, why is it that the ones you like don't like you but the ones you don't like want you? why is that a thing? Before that conversation we had made plans to have lunch today, but I just couldn't go through with it so I messaged him earlier and said we had to reschedule and he never responded, I feel horrible! Today is a sad day journal.

I think I'm going to stay away from people for a while, I feel so overwhelmed lately, I was sort of mean to someone that I actually like and just because he doesn't like me back that way, I was such a bitch! and then I felt bad and I wanted to keep saying that I'm sorry, but I just don't want to bother this person anymore, I've decided that if someone wants to talk to me then sure.  But for me actions just speak louder than words so I'm not paying attention to anything this person has to say because until now he's kind of mislead me or maybe we haven't been really clear or maybe I just let what I feel cloud my judgement, so instead of making up stories in my head as I can be pretty creative, I'm just going to assume that if someone isn't talking to me it's because they don't want me end of story!  

I do wish I could see him again and talk about stuff, texting is so weird and it's never the same like seeing someone and talking to them.  I feel like to him, he thinks I want to be with him and I don't know lock him down? I don't think he realizes that when I say I don't know what I want I mean that. I don't even know him enough to know what I want with him, I can't base wanting to be in a relationship with someone on sexual chemistry and the fact that I like him, I mean it's not like I'm in love with this person, I barely know him! what if we kept being friends and then that's all it ever ends up being, or we stop liking one another or I don't know, one of us meets someone else we like more, like the scenarios are endless.  But, he stated what he wanted and I'm so all over the place I just can't do it, I don't want to put myself out there and be the HS girl that likes the boy that only hangs out with him because being around him makes her feel so good because she likes him soooo much but then the minute he leaves he doesn't talk to her but she's so naive and young that she waits around for the next time she can get a piece of him! goodness! I learned those lessons years ago! if what you want isn't being reciprocated, run as fast as you can! I am a little more emotionally intelligent and Jazzy gotta take care of Jazzy! Maybe things are better this way, it's just a bummer because I felt a really great connection with him and that doesn't happen to me like EVER! so yea; letting it go!

Well, that's it for now! that was a LOT! I will leave you with this song that I've been listening to that makes me think of this person I was just talking about, it's this crush, this crush that I want to move on from!! UGH! hey as a side note journal, he doesn't know what he's loosing out on! Ha! Jazzy is freaking AWESOME! I'm even better as a friend, as a girlfriend, well, who knows what my exes say about me! YIKES!

Crush - Jennifer Paige

 

Maybe I was the problem?

Dear journal -

Ever since my break up, every month when I'm close to my menstrual cycle, I get so emotional about my ex that I often reach out to him.  I haven't done so in the last few months, but I did for a while.  A few weeks ago I went through some old emails that I sent my ex while we were together and today since I'm premenstrual, I wanted to read some again, I guess it beats reaching out to him right journal? Some of the emails made me laugh and think of him fondly.  Then I found some that made me angry and reminded me of why we weren't meant to be and then I also found some that made me cry really really hard, because it reminded me of everything that he did to keep me, to constantly show me that he loved me, to fight almost for my love, for me to stay, for me to be ok with the way I felt about him.  I guess I just can't understand still why he gave up? was he tired, did I not show him enough love? 

I got a strange text message today from a number where he lives, the text just said "hey there" so I responded and asked who it was and the person never got back to me.  Deep in my heart I wanted so bad for it to be him, for him to tell me he's sorry, for him to tell me he didn't mean it, for him to tell me he messed up.  The truth is that it may not be him, I met some people on one of the dating sites I'm on when I was visiting Oregon, and I gave my number to a few people, so I mean it could be anyone.  The point is that in my heart I wanted it to be him.  Just when I think I moved on, my period comes to my world and ruins everything I've been building! in one day my world is broken again for a few hours at the very least.  

I'm journaling today because I wanted to put that letter that I wrote him on here, I'm doing this even though it is deeply personal and I mean this whole journal is personal, but this letter is very very real and super vulnerable.  I want it on here because it reminds me that I CAN love! that being with him reminded me that it was ok to love because sometimes you get loved back in a way that maybe you've never experienced.  His love for me was very different than anyone else I've ever been with, I always like to say that he loved me in his own selfish way, but I think he loved me the way he knew how.  He was raised Christian I was raised Catholic, at one point when I was trying to get to a place where I felt secure in our relationship, I talked to him about trying to believe again, well for me at least, because while he didn't pray or go to church, he does believe in heaven and hell and everything else the Christian church teaches.  Reading this letter also reminded me that at least I tried my hardest and that maybe I wasn't the problem! Break ups always have a way to make you question yourself, others, your beliefs, ideas, just everything! I can't wait until the day that I no longer think about all these things that in the end don't even matter anymore!

Without further ado..... Here is the email I wrote to Chino (that's not his real name) on 5/3/19

This morning I woke up and felt as if all the love I have been trying to suppress for you came back into my heart and with that my fear came back.  I don’t know how to shake this scary feeling that I get about us, but my goal is to overcome my fear so that we can have a happy loving relationship.  I just want you to be ok about the ones that I love.  I also want to do the same thing with regards to your family and I think that the only way we can ever accomplish all of this is by bringing God into our lives together as a couple, and while the journey of spirituality is one that must be taken alone, I believe that supporting each other through the process will help us both grow closer together and become one with him.

I tried talking to Jesus yesterday and it felt really foreign, I felt like a hypocrite, how can I have denied him from being in my life now for over 10 years and expect him to be back in it just like that, I know that this process will take time, but I really want us both to be closer to him so we can be closer to each other. 

Although we have gone through so much I believe that our love has held us together, imagine how much happier we will be when we bring him into our hearts completely, I don’t know how to start, but I hope we can figure it out together, I have to believe he’s been in our lives because then how else will we have made it together this long? Jesus is love, and we might not have good communication or good skills to handle difficult situations, but one thing is for sure, we have true LOVE! I feel blessed to have you in my life because you have stuck by me through my crazy, I want you to know that when I loose my shit it’s because I’m so scare to loose you, I don’t know how to explain it but I feel like I shut down and want to run as fast as I can.  I want to be a better mother and girlfriend, thank you for your support.  I know you said I’m not supportive of you, I am I just don’t want you to burn out because you are working so hard, I want you to be happy and have the things you want and deserve, you are a good man, but sometimes you don’t know how to show it, or I have an expectation and I don’t get what I expect, I like that you said it’s good when we talk instead of me yelling and getting crazy, I will talk to my therapist about my blow ups and ask her to help me control them, but I will also try to become one with God again and see if that will help me as well.

I’m scared :( please don’t ever stop loving me.

Te amo!

He responded: Just don't push me away and I won't stop loving you.  

I leave you with - Janet Jackson.... Again. 

Hey you! stay out of my thoughts!

 Dear journal -

OH MY GOSH! Dear Odin! why can I not stop thinking about this individual? it's really annoying! I just want him out of my head! and no, I am not talking about my ex....YUK! any time that individual comes into my thoughts I catch those thoughts and I say to myself, "stop thinking about him!" that works every time, but then my thoughts go back to him! this man that I can't stop thinking about! I mean I guess I rather think of him than my ex, because well my ex is the past and this man is kind of sort of in my present but then again is he? 

The other night I had a heart to heart talk with my son, he told me that I seemed really distracted lately and too focused on men.  Ok, to my defense I'm not really focused on men because I have no men to be focused on, so at first I got annoyed at my sons comment.  I assured him that I wasn't focused on men and he said yes you are because you keep talking about all these and here is the key word he used journal.......loosers! He was like mom, what do you want? what are you looking for? what do you think you need? in that moment, I felt like he had just thrown a cold bucket of water on my head because I was speechless, I made that face of like wanting to say something so I sort of opened my mouth to say it but then I had nothing to say, not a word! If yo know me in person you know I am a talker, I can talk.  After a minute I said, son, I have NO IDEA! ugh! I hate when I feel this way, when I know nothing.  I don't know what I want, how I want it, where I want to live, where I want to work, where I should be going, I feel like I'm in limbo and like I'm so stuck and can't make up my mind.  This stresses me out because I always have a 5 year plan and for me not to have one is simply unacceptable! 

Since that conversation, I have been trying to think about what it is that I want.  Anytime I start thinking about what I want, he always pops back up into my thoughts! NO JOURNAL NOT MY EX! that guy! the guy I won't talk much about.  Something about him intrigues me, something about his energy when I've been around him or maybe it's something about his touch, or the way he smells.  He was at my place once and after he left and I took off my sweater, I could smell him all over it, I didn't want to wash it because it smelled like him.  I feel like I lie to myself every time I try to act like I don't really like him like that or why am I still thinking about this person or what's my problem? I don't know, I always feel like you shouldn't think of those who don't think about you and he clearly isn't thinking about me, if he thought about me, he would talk to me and we barely do.  My goal now is to keep it moving and to work on not thinking of those who don't think about me.  I deserve so much more, I'm an amazing woman and any man would be lucky to have me! I really do believe this with all of my heart! 

I just get so mad when other women have done shitty things to good men and then those men are all scared and here comes Jazzy really freaking amazing woman that knows how to treat her man, and all I end up with is men that don't appreciate me! how is that fair journal? why do all the shitty women get and mess up and abuse the good men and then the good women or the women that try to do right by their men, always end up with the users, abusers, players! I don't know I always love to write all these questions on here as if someone is going to answer them for me.

I need to focus on myself more and keep trying to figure out what I want and just keep enjoying my life.  I do have to say that lately I have been feeling sooooo much like myself! I LOVE IT! I feel like me and I feel as if my ex is finally gone, like he's really gone from my life and like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like he's no longer my problem.  I'm so glad he and I didn't have kids together, because the worse thing ever is dealing with your ex while trying to move on from them yet knowing that you HAVE to communicate with them because they will be in your life for the rest of your life! ugh! speaking of which, I haven't been talking to my ex husband in what seems like months, he just makes me so angry that I decided that I do not need to talk to that man about ANYTHING! there is not one time ever that I can remember, that he doesn't throw a jab at me when we talk.  We have this weird friendship type situation that sometimes we can be really cool and have a conversation and then the next minute we can't even talk to one another because we can't stand each other.  I try journal I really really do, but anytime that man can say something mean to me he does and I'm done tolerating his rude behavior toward me.

I'm rambling, it's late, I'm tired and sleepy! ta ta journal!

I will leave you with - Marvin Gay - Sexual Healing

Parks

 Dear Journal -

I recorded a voice journal but when I played it back it was too long so I decided that I would sit and write a completely different entry as I've been thinking about this one incident that happened to me the other day.  So I came back to Colorado because of so much drama to much to write about, but basically I pretty much had too! I'm happy/sad to be back, for a few different reasons, the main one being that I miss being in the coast.... OH BEACH! HOW I YEARN TO BE CLOSE TO YOU! any who, here I am back again and the BEST part of me being back is that I get to spend time with my little love bug aka my granddaughter! as a side note, the other day I called her love bug and she responded "i'm no bug" it was the most amazing adorable thing I've EVER heard! she's 2 years old and she had just learned about bugs! OMG I LOVE KIDS! they are like these little sponges of amazing energy and LOVE!

I always go on these tangents and get off topic and this is why I'm not a published writer, although while I was in college and I was writing way more, I told my writing professor that google had paid me because back then I was getting way more hits on my blog and my professor told me that I should consider myself a published writer as I was getting paid! HA! I wish! I guess had I stuck to my journal the way I had initially intended to when I first started it, I would probably have way more traffic and maybe google would still pay me, it was only a few dollars but still.  Regardless, I'm back and better than EVA! and I do want to try and write more.  So, what did Jazzy do to try and get some traffic going on her journal you ask? well, I did what any woman in my position would do! I put the link to my blog on a dating site and then I almost got kicked off of it! Hilarious! I am not really feeling the dating scene anymore, but I did meet someone that's cool and we talk and I've seen him once and it was so much fun! we will likely hang out again but thus far I don't feel that he is someone I will get anywhere with and since I am not like "into him" that way, it's easier and it's more comfortable because it's just a person I hang out with, and NO I have not been intimate with him, Jazzy is not rolling like that these days.  

Being single again is starting to feel more like me, sure there are those little hurtful moments that one has because you are out there "playing the game" but, I honestly rather deal with that, than the shit show relationship I stayed in for 4 years because I wanted to prove to myself, my family and friends that I "could be in a relationship" I literally went to therapy to try and stay in a relationship and work through my own shit so that I could be a good partner, lover, friend to the person I was with, and while sure that didn't end up well in the end, going to therapy is absolutely AMAZING! and I highly recommend it!

Parks... so, since I have been spending time with my granddaughter lately and I am just getting to know her, I did what any amazing grandma as I am would do to get her to love me! I started taking her to different parks! and I want to specifically write about this one day, that was freaking hilarious and I just have to share with you journal! so I typically don't wear make up I barely do my hair now that is growing it's always up in a bun and I love my sweats; a few weeks ago during one of my outings with my little love bug, I am looking like a bum, and from the corner of my eye I see this man with his kids, I think it was 3 of them.  Obviously, Jazzy is like........ did I just see a daddy? and I look and there he is, this hot dad talking on the phone completely oblivious that I'm standing there.  He's talking and as he is talking he is taking off his abdominal sweat band! at first I'm thinking, HOLY SHIT! did I just see that! and I'm smiling because I'm thinking, well that's good that he takes care of himself! Anyway, he's still far enough away from me that he hasn't noticed me and one of his kiddos, comes to play where I'm standing and he's staring at me the way little kids love to stare so I'm like......HI! and he says hi and we start having a conversation about how he is going to slide down the slide.  Finally, hotty daddy, realizes his son is gone so he starts walking toward where I'm standing and then.......DADDY NOTICES JAZZY! ok, I wish I had a camera for this priceless moment! his reaction was that of... OH! who's this? so he looks at me and says hi and now I'm feeling nervous and thinking, OMG, I look like crap GREAT! I say hello and tell him that his kiddo is by me and then I can tell he seems a little nervous and since I was nervous I grabbed my granddaughter and walked away as fast as I could!

Moral of the story, Jazzy forgot that the park is THE BEST PLACE TO MEET SINGLE DADDS! WOOT WOOT! thank you grandbaby! from now on, anytime I go to the park I'm definitely at the very least combing my hair properly.  No telling what adventures I can get myself into! this hasn't been the first time I've noticed daddy's checking me out at the park, so hey, all is fair in single life! I don't know if the man was married, I didn't notice a ring, but again, why not always look nice and pretty right journal? 

I've been feeling pretty happy lately, things are good all in all.  Life is way to short to be unhappy, it's also to short to let minor set backs in life bring you down.  I can't wait until the end of this month so I can go home! NYC watch out! Jazzy is coming to town!  I'm so excited because I haven't been back home during warm weather in ages, I LOVE NY in the early summer, it's sooooo fun! 

With nothing more to report I leave you with..........My latest celebrity crush because I watched his story on Netflix.  Bad boys were my thing back in da day, not so much anymore obviously.  I am pretty late jumping on the Niky Jam fan wagon, I known his music forever but when I saw the documentary, I developed a new respect for him as an artist.

Hasta el amanecer - Niky Jam

 

Build that wall Jazzy!

Dear journal -

Last night was so fun! I had a fun time and I definitely needed that.  I was really happy because typically when I go out I don't dress up, I usually don't care to impress anyone so I don't usually make an effort to get "pretty" but last night It was my friends bday so I wore some make up and this outfit that was fitting and I got SO MANY COMPLIMENTS! by both men and women.  I felt so good because I've been working SO HARD on my weight.  I have struggled with my weight ever since I hurt my Achilles tendon and wasn't able to run  anymore (insert sad face here) after that, it has always been so hard to work out the way I want to, but I finally found ways to exercise in a way that won't hurt my foot, so I've been really focusing on trying to fit into my old cloths.  I used to be a size 8 and now I'm a 10 and I want to just feel good in my own skin.  So last night I got compliments by a few women and that's why I was so happy! women are so critical of each other so when I get a compliment from a woman, that's big.  My friend told me she was so proud of me because I looked like I lost weight and that put me in a great mood and then I danced my ass off it was awesome!

I had decided to stop using dating sites, because I just feel a little or maybe a lot empty, I have no desire to really talk to anyone, but there are definitely times when I'm like well, talking isn't bad and there are some men that are nice and say nice things and then there are the fucking assholes! so today, this one guy sends me a message and says, "you will be my first wife" at first in my mind I'm like yea ok, but instead I responded that we could go to Vegas and get married.  Long story short, he's  50 seemed to have his shit together yada yada, so I'm like ok, sure let me talk to this man.  Well, 3 short paragraphs later he's telling me that he needs to kiss me or something to that affect..... UGH!!!!! I got SO ANGRY! I almost threw up in my mouth cause I just thought..... FUCK YOU! I have never even seen you in person and this is what you are telling me? in that moment I felt so just like, down, and then I thought about my ex and started to cry.  I cried because when I first met my ex I had absolutely NO INTENTION, what's so ever to love him, to be with him to do ANYTHING, he worked SO HARD, for my love for me to be with him, for me to eventually even want to marry him and here I am now, on dating sites talking to people I have zero interest in and I just felt so down that I took down all my pictures unmatched from a bunch of people and just deleted the app.  

The truth is, everything I've done until now, has been pretty forced (with the exception of the one guy I met that I actually liked and even wrote about) The post is called.... Then along came him.... But then with him, he pretty much just lead me on and it felt really shitty and I'm just so true to my feelings, that I'm pretty much done with people.  I just don't have it in me to talk to people and waste my time when in my heart I know I'm forcing myself to "get out there!" I think that part of me is competing with my ex because I think to myself, well he's moved on probably married by now, I can do it! but I'm not like him clearly.  I'm just so scared to build a wall so high that I might never recover.  After my ex husband and I broke up 13 years ago, I was single for so long, and I became like this bitch, I played with people and everyone was a joke to me and I didn't let anyone in and it wasn't until I met my current ex that I finally gave in to love, all for.... NOTHING!.

I keep telling myself that I need to keep giving myself time, but I'm so scared to become that bitch again, I don't want to build a wall, I don't want to have a panic attack every time I actually like someone which I already kind of had one.  The second to last time I was with the person I was last hanging out with, the one that I liked, after I left his house I was literally driving home and had a mini panic attack in my car.  I had to open the windows and take deep breaths because I felt like It was too much to soon and I was just so freaking scared, which in a way, everything that happened after that just re-iterated to me that I need to listen to my body and my instinct and that if it's too good to be true, it probably isn't true.  

I don't want to build a wall, I want to love again one day, I want to have a healthy relationship with someone awesome! I have so much love to give, and I feel that I can be difficult sometimes when I'm with someone, but I'm also giving and caring and I take care of my man, my ex told me right before I saw him with his "love" that no one had ever loved him or treated him the way that I had and what could he do to get me back? this literally 2 days before I saw him with his now maybe wife.  What a piece of work that guy! and yet, I still want to believe in love, I still feel that eventually it would be nice to have someone, but right now I just feel so vulnerable and all over the place that I just want to go to India and find myself! JK! I rather be in a tropical beach! 

I'm really excited for this summer though, I am going to NY, Tampa, Texas and then I'm going to Colombia for the fall, so I will definitely have some fun times, and I think for now, I'm good with just enjoying time with my friends, family, dancing, working out and just really trying to heal and find myself again.  I definitely am feeling a lot more like me though, I definitely am finding myself slowly.  And sure, I felt a connection with the one guy and hanging out with him reminded me that I CAN do this! but then that same experience also left me feeling crummy and confused and reminded me of how cruel the dating scene is and how people just don't know what they want or what they are doing and I'm not saying this man intentionally did anything to make me feel bad at least I hope he didn't, but at the same time he built me up to then just let me down and you think I got an explanation of his actions? of course not! why would he think he owed me anything right? like everyone is out here for themselves in the dating game and it's just vicious! people lie and deceive and just act fucked up.

Oh and I almost forgot, I also got accused of "ghosting" some guy that I literally spoke to like twice! I didn't even meet him in person so I was like.... wtf! he was like I'm not into games or being ghosted and I was like.... UM.......I don't even know you dude! I told him, well if you think me not responding to your message for a few days is "ghosting" then OK! I haven't even met you in person, how can you feel like I was "ghosting" you! and where the fuck did that term come from all of a sudden? I miss the days were there was no social media and people met in person for the first time.  

Jazzy, please don't build a wall! Maybe one day, you will find someone that will appreciate you for all that you are! journal, I'm really scared to become a bitch again, please don't let me!

I'll leave you with....... - Russian Roulette - Rihanna

Johnny...............

 Dear Journal -

This morning I went on an awesome hike! I love when I get to go hiking early in the morning because the air always feels crisp and being out in nature alone, gives me this feeling of peace mainly because there is no one around, while no one is watching, I stop and talk to animals like prairie dogs! Sometimes they look back at me and it almost feels as they are trying to tell me something, I always feel like I'm "having a moment with them" in reality they are probably just watching me to see if they need to go back down into their holes! 

I feel like I'm going through some sort of transformation right now (maybe it's mid life crisis?) although I do believe I went through mid life crisis during my late 30's but then again I've always done all kinds of crazy stuff, so maybe I'm just going through one of my "phases" or maybe I'm just still going through the healing process of my break up.  I still cry every few days when I think of my ex, sometimes I cry out of anger, other times I cry out of sadness and others I just cry cause I'm a bit of a cry baby! regardless, I am definitely transforming and I have to say that my transformation feels really good! I decided a few days ago to just be with myself, by that I mean that I stopped going on dating sites or talking to a bunch of random men, who usually only manage to piss me off! Today when I told my boss about my new "I'm not going to date anymore for a while story" she laughed and said I was crazy! My boss is pretty cool! I always update her with my latest life story, I feel pretty lucky to have the new team and people I work with in my life, as they have been a huge support to me with all the changes I've gone through this past year.

Anyway, I'm on this trail, and I was thinking about my past, but most specifically about my childhood because this month is child abuse awareness month.  I was thinking about my childhood and all of a sudden, he came to my mind! my very first boyfriend Johnny! HOLY SHIT! my very first kiss! I will never forget Johnny because Johnny liked me soooooo much, I'm almost certain that if he remembers me these days, he might categorize me as his first childhood heartbreak! I was 12 years old and I'm pretty sure we were in elementary school still.  Johnny for some reason thought that patting me on the head was the boyfriend thing to do, so whenever we saw each other, that was how I was greeted! I laughed so hard on that trail by myself looking like a crazy person just imagining myself back then with Johnny! I will never forget, that him, his brother, my best friend Julissa and I, went to Prospect Park in Brooklyn and we were by this wall just hanging out, my friend Julissa and his brother had already kissed before, so they kissed and then Johnny and I were talking and he grabbed me and kissed me and then..... he touched my butt! hahahaha........HOLY SHIT! first kiss and first butt squeeze! I WAS MORTIFIED! I remember grabbing his hand off my butt and just staring at him! Johnny was Puerto Rican, he was pretty fair and had long dirty blonde hair, I think I kind of liked him, but I also think I said yes to him being my boyfriend mainly because the boy I really liked didn't pay me any mind (he did once we turned 16 and I dated him briefly) but when I was 12, Johnny was the boy that had his eyes on me!

It's so cute to have these vivid memories in my brain, because I was abused as a child journal, I've never written that on this blog, and as I'm typing this, I'm starting to feel pretty sad.  This month is child abuse awareness month, once upon a time, I was a child and I was abused, and it is only now that I can openly talk about it, for years I felt as if I had done something wrong, not anymore! I was treated unkindly by another human being.  My childhood memories are not like other people's memories, most of my memories I've buried deep down inside so I don't usually remember stuff or rather, I try not to think of myself at that age because mainly it's pretty painful! but today I did and I laughed and I wondered what ever happened to my old boyfriend.  I don't remember his last name or I would look him up.  My best friend Julissa and I also lost touch in our teens, she was awesome! her and I would choreograph dances to different songs, we both LOVED to dance! we would come up with dances and then get matching outfits and then perform for our friends! it was awesome! I wish I could find her also!

If you come across this post and you suspect that someone you know is abusing a child.....PLEASE CLICK ON THIS LINK:  Child Abuse Hotline

I'll leave you with this song, I kept listening to it today, I love music!

How to save a life.....................

 Happiness is within each and everyone of us.  As we get older, we start to accumulate all sorts of as my Philosophy teacher would say "dust" and we begin to sort of look for happiness outside of ourselves and as we get older and go through more painful experiences, we just keep accumulating more and more "dust."  Unfortunately for us however, happiness is not what someone can do for us, happiness is what we can do for ourselves.  At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness.

Journal -  Yesterday was a really rough day! I literally stayed in bed and cried for like 3 hours straight, it was almost physically impossible to get out of bed, but some how I managed to do so, and I went for a long walk, and decided that I could turn my day around.  This left me thinking about depression and how difficult it must be for people that have to live with it, to live their lives every single day trying to change their day around! The first paragraph of this post I got it from a post I wrote back in 2012 that I called "That Bit$ch slept with my boyfriend" I was reading the post because I have been reading through my blog and feeling really happy that I kept all these my life stories on here, reading them reminds me of what I've been through and how I have made it through it all, and while I know for a FACT that there are others out there having it WAY harder than I do, these are my experiences and my truth and the other day I was telling someone I had a blog and when they asked what I wrote about, I said my journal, my life.  Then later I remembered that I started writing because back then I wanted to say something that would resonate with someone, or something to make other specifically women, know that they were not alone in what they went through.

This morning I feel way better, I'm about ready to start my day, I have all sorts of plans for what I need to do and I feel pretty good.  I think though again, about those people right now that are feeling the way I did yesterday and today and everyday! My heart feels heavy, because I don't know or understand how I could help someone that felt that way everyday; and as I think of it further it makes me think of why so many take their own lives and how I can understand how there are days that you just don't want to be here anymore.

In my teens I contemplated suicide so many times, I think most teens do.  But as an adult, I definitely have had days even recently, when I felt tired with life and just didn't want to be here anymore, but I have always been a pretty resilient individual, I have always worked through my stuff, I write, I talk it through with friends, I express what I feel or need to say to others, and at the end of the day, I quite frankly don't give a fuck what anyone says or thinks about my honest and sincere thoughts.  However, there are those who do care, who don't know how to express, who don't have anyone they trust to talk it over with, who are alone and sad and blue and giving up. 

I just got a new tattoo that represents suicide awareness.  I got it in memory of Tim Chase (May he RIP).  I never knew Tim very very well, I was just getting to know him, he would come over my home, we would talk about different topics and he would always tell me how much he loved my niece and what he wanted to do for her.  He loved his baby and my niece.  I never in a million years thought he would take his own life.  He was my niece's husband and they had moved to CO to be close to me.  The day that I got the call about what had happened, feels like a big blur, but all I can remember is thinking..... How come I didn't see this coming? for a long time  I was very upset at the fact that I am a social worker, and yet I didn't see the signs, but the truth is, most times there are no signs.  

Depression is real, I honestly don't think I could handle life if I felt every single day the way I did yesterday.  When I have those moments, I know how to help myself through them, but most people don't or can't or just no longer have the will to do it.  It's so important to check on the people you love from time to time and be like.... "Hey, you good?" because you don't know what people are dealing with, I feel like life is this big chaotic thing sometimes that you have to navigate every single day and it gets exhausting!

When I lived in NY there were SO MANY TIMES..... where I had to FORCE myself back toward the wall of the train platform because I would often be like.... If I jump in front of the train then it's all over, or what if I just jump? sometimes when I lived on the 6th floor of my apartment in Brooklyn, I would look out the window and be like, what if I jumped? how would that feel?  It would scare me that my mind would have those thoughts, and I almost think I would have if I had to live with depression.  Lately, I have felt that empty feeling inside, that like sadness that just constantly lingers.  I know that I'm still struggling with the loss of my best friend of years.  I know that it has to do with the fact that I don't know anything about him these days, I'm still not completely over this change in my life.  But I also know that this is a phase and that I will feel better eventually.  I think I wanted to write to you today journal because, some days it's really hard and I hope that if someone comes across this post one day and they are feeling down, that it will help them to know that they are not alone in the way they feel.  That life is a series of moments and that everything slowly passes.   

Someone told me the other day that I had a passion for life, I've never heard anyone describe me that way.  I don't ever think I am passionate about any one thing, but I guess I do appreciate life and want the people I know, the people that are in my little world, to be happy and healthy and to know that I'm always here if they need someone to talk to, you just never know who's life you might save just by listening.

If you come across this post and need help, click here:suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Then along came him.........

 Dear journal -

So much has happened since I last sat here on my bed and got on this laptop to share with you again.  I always think to myself, that the next journal I write will be about something different and not just my life.  But then I also think to myself that after all, this is my journal so I want to share my life.  I want to share on here this memory because one day when I come back to read this post, I can think back and be like......WOW...... I over came all of it! and he sort of helped me through it! he was sent to me like an angel in disguise as I told him.  

Let me start by telling you what happened to me  a few weeks;  I would say it was about  three weeks ago,  I was in OR for a friends bachelorette party and I saw my ex with his new "love" I put the word love in quotes because I don't believe that he himself believes that, but then again, I don't know, it can very well be as people are weird like that and the truth is the more time goes by the more I think that I never really knew this person, and he may very well be "madly in love" I mean who am I to take that away from him? I also am very realistic and know now that I never really knew this person and that he is capable of so many things that why wouldn't he be in love right? I didn't really know him! sure maybe I knew his surface, maybe his bad habits, maybe even his next move sometimes, but in the end, I didn't know him at all.  So, I won't get into details as they are not important but I just remember thinking after seeing him with her, that I could not believe that he could just be moving on so easily as if we had not just broken up less than 6 months ago after spending 4 years together and even being engaged.  I wasn't angry at the fact that I saw him with her because he had already told me he was with someone and was going to marry her in April, so sometime this month.  So it wasn't so much feeling hurt to see him with someone else, but seeing him with this person made everything seem real! in that moment I realized that this relationship was really over and that I would never ever be with this man ever again.  I am finally ok with that and feel that I am in a way better place simply because I saw him with someone else.  I saw him for who he truly is and I won't write what I think of him on this journal because I don't want to dirty these pages with bad mean words.  If I don't have anything good to say, I will just leave it be.

Now to write what I really came on here to write about.  When I returned from my trip to Oregon and after finally accepting reality, I told myself that I was going to give myself a chance and I was going to actually start talking to people.  It so happened that the day I returned from my trip, I matched with someone on the dating site I was on and when I saw his profile after we matched, I thought he was really handsome.  He messaged me and we started talking and our conversation just started flowing, he asked me out and wanted to know if we could see each other the next day, so I said ok! long story short, I go to his place to pick him up because he only had his work vehicle and we were going to go get some drinks and when I saw him walking out the door my mouth dropped! OMG!!!!!! sooooooo handsome! I NEVER feel that like butterfly exciting type feeling when I initially meet someone, but when I saw him it was......... LUST AT FIRST SIGHT! I asked him if I could get out of the car to say hello and I get out and we give each other a hug and OMG....... I felt like a tiny woman in his big arms! He is so tall and just so damn cute I can't handle it! we went out and had so much fun and we have been seeing each other since! I am so completely smitten! I love the attention he gives me and we can talk for HOURS! I won't even get into the intimate stuff but I guess I will just say....... OMG! writing this post makes me smile, I smile anytime I think of him and I look like one of those weird people that are driving in their car smiling, yea that's me journal!

I don't know where this new romance is going or how long it will last or what we are even doing, all I know is that we both enjoy each others company and I am SO GLAD, that I saw what I saw, because had I not seen it, I wouldn't have given this man a chance, I may have never even met him.  In Colombia there is a saying "un clavo saca a otro" which basically means, one nail takes out another nail, that makes absolutely no sense, but it's supposed to mean that one person can replace another.  I don't think he's replacing anyone for me, I think he simply came into my life when I needed to be reminded that I am amazing! that I am cool, that I am beautiful, that I am smart and that I am funny and that men enjoy my company and like to be around me.  Life is feeling good journal, I feel happy and not only because I'm seeing someone that is super awesome, but also because everything else in my life is coming together and I finally feel free from all that hurt that I went through!

I will leave you journal with the song that my new "boo friend" as I like to call him and we laugh about, sent to me the other night when I left his home.  He said he wanted me to stay so bad, it's always hard to leave when I'm with him. YAY! he makes me want to stay! the song is called stay and it's a lovely song! I keep thinking that I need to dedicate a song to him also, I just don't know which one.  I was thinking about one called Tell me by Grove Theory, it's an oldy but goodie!

Should I send it to him?

Memories of a love that I was knew

 Dear journal -

I published a post a few weeks ago that I cannot find nor do I remember what it was about, but I went on my blog stats and noticed that someone had looked at an old post from 2012 and it made me think of Benjamin.  Sometimes when I think of him my heart still feels heavy and it reminds me that the pain I felt all those years ago went away eventually and that I conquered it.  I cried to a friend the other night telling him that Benjamin defeated me, that the love he never gave me defeated me and ran me out of NYC, I had nothing left to give the city that never sleeps and I could not continue to live in the city where he was as well.  I can say this now without reservation because I'm no longer living that horrible pain that the man I never kissed caused me, but back then, it was so real.  I remember that as my son and I drove out of the city on our way to Colorado, I said farewell my love in my thoughts to someone that at that time I had not seen in years, and now when I think back at that moment I wonder, was I calling him my love or NYC my love? 

While there are times that I deeply regret leaving the concrete jungle, there are definitely others where I think, but had I not made my way out of there, what would of been of me? of my life? of my hurt? Since then so much has happened, I have grown so much, I almost feel like a whole new woman.  I had not experienced that much pain since those days of old, not until recently with all that has occurred in my love life, yet remembering that pain that I felt then, this pain is nothing, because that pain literally ran me out of town, that pain was constant and deep and when I got to Colorado, all that pain seems to have disappeared and all of a sudden I thought that I could love again and I did! and although that love did not last, it did teach me valuable lessons that I will hold dear until my last breath.  

Just now I read a post I wrote on Oct. of  2012 and reading it reminded me that I learned something valuable from that love as well, the inspiration that love gave me was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life before and as I read the post I cried with the deepest of hurt and it felt like I was back there in that moment and all that love that I felt for Benjamin was full in my heart all over again and then I wondered, will anyone ever again in this life time touch me in the way that he did, will I ever meet someone ever again in my life and feel the "magic" that I did the day I first laid eyes on him? will I ever again fall in love with someone without even sharing a kiss? The kiss that never came and probably never will.  

He is a married man now, has been married for some time and I only know this because of his Facebook.  I don't look at his FB anymore, I'm not even on FB, but a few months back I did and his wife actually commented on one of his posts and I felt nothing, well maybe I felt..... weird? I wonder if that woman knows that I existed, because really I was his little secret, or his greatest secret.  I have no desire to talk to him or see him or any of that, but what if one day we ran into each other on a NYC street the way we did that one time when we were both starting to attend the School of Practical Philosophy? that day that we knew we would see each other, but not in the way that it happened? 

I really liked that post from 2012, I want to write that way again, I want to feel inspired that way again.  In my last relationship I had no inspiration, no desire, it was as if this person that I was with had turned off the candle in my soul, sucked away who I was, I'm starting to be me again and it feels wonderful! I love to come to this my little piece of me and read those posts that remind me of who I really am.  It's funny how one human can inspire you like no other, and another can turn your inner light off.  And while I'm still hurting from this most recent break up, I'm slowly recovering and reminding myself that I am still me and that the light is within me and that I just need to light it back up! And so I shall journal! so I shall!

I leave you with the link to that post on Oct. 22, 2012 

https://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/10/his-response-to-my-email.html

 

Birthday Note

Dear Journal - 

Today is my exes birthday and it is the first one in 4 years that I wasn't part of.  Last year for his bday we had such a lovely time, it was pretty magical because I wanted to make up for the prior years bday because that one I was not a nice girlfriend.  

Journal, I wanted to reach out and wish him lots of wonderful things, but I did that for new year's and only got ignored, so I could not bare anymore not knowing the results of my good wishes.  I also just didn't think it was appropriate as I don't know what is going on in his life or if he has a significant other or where he is in his life, so I just decided that putting it on here would get it out of my system and out into the world wide web, the little piece that belongs to my life.  Today was a rough day journal, all these weird moments of telling myself that even if my heart still believes he's mine, he isn't and I have to be ok.

Happy Birthday my love! 

If it isn't love, why does it feel this way?

 Dear Journal -

I haven't written in a while because I just don't have much to say these days, I'm still hurting and it becomes so annoying to just write about my sorrows.  I don't want to write if it's going to be about my sorrows because what's the point of that? Life isn't just bad things after all and this journal seems like it's just about shitty stuff that has happened to me and life isn't all that bad to be honest.  

I have a beautiful apartment that I absolutely love! I have a great job that I am learning so much in, I have great friends that I can always talk to when I'm feeling down, but most of all, I have been getting to know my granddaughter who is a little spit fire and reminds me of my attitude sometimes ha! she's amazing and so damn smart that I can't get enough of her! It's been really good to get to know her, every time I get to see her I feel like we bond a little more, my precious little girl, she is so worth everything that I've been through, at least giving her my love is rewarding.  

I keep thinking that everything that has led me here has been for a reason, and that I can't fight life anymore I just have to keep asking and receiving because that's pretty much what has been happening all this time, I ask and receive.  I just have to constantly remind myself that I have to be careful what I ask for, because sometimes it come true in ways that I don't want.  But it's ok, life is good, life is fair and life is what we make it.  Sure I can still cry regularly for the things that have happened, or I can keep looking forward and find the things in life that make me happy and focus on those.

I do often wonder though, if it wasn't love that I felt for my ex, then why do I still feel this way after 4 months? some days are harder than others obviously.  I honestly didn't think I loved him as much as I do, this love consumed me and while I fought it and broke out of the relationship, that didn't mean that I broke out of the love.  I feel like I'm still tied to him even though we don't even talk, yet there is not one day that goes by that I don't miss him or think of him or hope that he is well.  I wish I would of known how to tell him how I was feeling all that time, while we were together, what I was needing, what I wanted.  I guess anytime I tried, my words fell on deaf ears, I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to overcome it, I just live everyday and hope that one day I will wake up and the memories will be gone and the pain along with them.

Maybe one day journal? maybe one day.............