I inspired him and he inspired me too! so sad, it doesn't happen to me often....
What if I could write a poem as easy as he writes his lyrics, with the ease and perfection that the words flow out of his mind and onto his paper.
What if I could write a poem as well as he can rhyme, why the words would just flow onto my paper as well as they flow out of his mouth! OH those lips! that I got to kiss time and time again! so soft and gentle and tender! They will be missed!
What if I could write a poem as beautiful as he, if only he could see what I see!
What if I could write a poem with words so perfect they could heal his pain, the pain so deep that has kept him from getting close to me.
I had such an amazing weekend! this is the first time in a long time that I actually didn't want my short vacation to end! Usually after a few days of being away from my bed I start to feel like I need to get back home, but this time I nearly didn't want to come back! I was in Tamp, FL with my 3 closest friends and I feel like I am reborn. Spending time with other like minded women was awesome, we reminisced and updated each other on everything there was to update.
I used to work with these ladies at Manpower in NYC, we used to recruit candidates for companies like, Marc Jacobs, Citibank, Pfizer Pharmaceuticals, Levi's Strauss and Co., American Express, Bank of America, Chase Bank, US Postal Service, Federal Reserve Bank of NY to name a few. These accounts were critical to Manpower's business and because we were the Manhattan office, Manpower had very high expectations and we had to make a lot of money for them, it was a very high stress job, but I learned so very much and had the opportunity to meet some head honchos in some of these companies, I actually wore suites back in those days and had very important meetings with very important very intimidating individuals! I still can't believe that was me! These ladies helped me through those tough years early on in my career, we always had each others back and we can tell stories about those days for days, that job was CRAZY!
Lately, whenever I travel I go on my dating site and start swiping right like a mad woman! sometimes I'm almost afraid that at any moment I'm going to get banned from the site for "soliciting" but to my defense, I'm not selling anyone anything nor am I forcing anyone to like anything they don't want to nor do I ask for anything. Additionally, I am also open to meeting someone special, I'm not opposed to it, while that is not my main goal in life at the moment, that doesn't mean that if someone blows my mind, I won't talk to him. Eventually it would be nice to meet someone special, but that is another blog post.
Lately, I've been posting little snippets of my dating site conversations and I've gotten a few messages from friends telling me that they really enjoy them and how they laugh so hard reading the horror stories! this makes me happy, because I want to make people laugh and entertain whenever possible. I wanted to specifically write a journal about this, because I had a very interesting experience this weekend that I felt it was worth sharing.
Since I swipe right on everyone because I don't discriminate and have no problem saying hello to people, this past weekend I got 123 messages on my tinder profile, I have never really counted, but this time I wanted to see how many people I had talked to, so I did. Typically, when I travel, I match with a bunch of people and it's usually a lot, but I've never really counted, so I thought that I would do so this time. When I went to NYC back in May, I also had a lot of matches, obviously, in bigger more populated cities there will be more opportunities to meet more people I am also a woman, so it's way easier to meet people. So far, my experiences haven't been successful in the sense that I've been on this dating site for a few months and I haven't met anyone well, maybe I should rephrase, I have met out of hundreds of men, one person that I actually spent some time with, but other than that, I have only been on a few dates here and there.
This past weekend though I noticed something very significant that I felt I needed to write about because I found it very interesting. Being a Psychology major and loving the field of Psychology the way that I do, I love to observe human behavior, I would get a PHD in Pscyh. if I had the energy to do so, it is so fascinating, I simply LOVE IT! anyway, what I noticed the most was that men in Florida were all very very nice in the way they presented themselves to me, while I did get compliments, they were all tasteful and very respectful! I was very impressed with that, as I have gotten messages in other states that have really made me angry or felt disrespected or just plain disgusted!
I had a few men tell me that they had read some of my journal entries. One guy told me he really liked the way I ended my posts with a song and another guy said that he had seen a few posts that started with a quote, which I used to do a lot of in the past. It was so cool, to talk to men that actually took the time to get on my blog and read something, it was such a pleasure talking to men that were actually showing interest in what I did. Sure, I didn't make a "love connection" with anyone, although there was one guy that had I lived in FL, I would of totally met up with him. Not only was he super handsome and originally from NYC, but he was just someone I felt a good vibe with just in the short conversation we had. I try to respond to everyone no matter who they are and while I won't carry on a conversation with everyone, I try to be polite. Some just said hi, so I would respond hi, some would say hey and I would respond hey, I just have fun with this and try not to take it too serious, I also try to be honest and told almost all of the people I talked to, that I was only there for the weekend. I did not meet up with anyone as this weekend was about my girls, but it was super awesome to find a state where men aren't complete disrespectful assholes, which I'm not saying that there aren't nice gentlemen in most of the states I've visited in the last 6 months or so, but there was definitely a noticeable difference.
I've been to, OR, NY, NJ, CT, FL, WY and CO and I have to say, Florida for the win! I lived in FL many years ago and I do remember men there being nicer then men in NY. I am not saying NY men aren't awesome also, there is a bit of everything everywhere you go obviously, but I don't know, I came back feeling smitten by these Floridians! I came back feeling great, not only because I got unconditional love from my girls, but because I felt respected on a dating site! WOW! who knew that could happen!
I will leave you with........ Aretha Franklin - Respect
I'm just getting home from the bar, I had such a fun day! threw what feels like my first BBQ and it was a total success! everyone had a great time! I've never really been one to be the BBQ person, I don't particularly like hosting things, but everyone was really happy and thanked me a million times! it felt so good to see all my friends happy. The day was so fun, that after my BBQ, we all went back to our respective homes to get ready and then went out to the bar to continue the festivities, all in all great day!
In other Jazzy news, I was kind of mean to someone on the dating site that I am on, I guess I'm sort of on what I like to call my "bitch mode" I don't like when I meet a man on a dating site and they start asking me for pictures. First off, I have a full body picture on my profile, I'm wearing tights and a sports bra, like what else do you want to see? not only do I have that picture, I also have pictures on my FB page which has a bunch of pics, and while they may not all be current, I'm not one to send out a bunch of pics, I barely take pictures I hate taking them and have to take a million to be comfortable with one, so when someone I haven't even met in person starts to ask for more pictures, it really really irks me! so, he pretty much got the bitch mode Jazzy and even after I was a total raging bitch to him, he still wanted to keep talking to me. I am SO DONE with it all, I'm considering getting off dating sites for a while, but I'm conflicted because I've gotten new likes on my FB page because I'm on it, but it takes a lot of work and I don't know that I have the energy for it.
I think the most recent events in my life also have me feeling very discouraged about the dating world, it's so hard! and while sometimes I think I might be ready to "go get em tiger!" at the same time I'm so so scared, that the minute someone does one little thing I'm ready to go off on them. I've said this before but my biggest fear is that I'm going to start building a wall and I know that once I do that, I will be lost behind it for who knows how long and I don't want to be that person again.
I also feel that I treated someone that I really like, unkind. While my intention was not to be mean in any way shape or form. I told this person about himself based on the fact that he did something to me first that triggered me and made me go on a rant, but my intention was not to hurt this person or make him feel bad, what I told him was coming from a really good place, a place of caring. The problem was, that I told him what I had to say on a txt message and text messages always loose the tone of the person sending the message and therefore, the reader, interprets the message worse than it may have been intended. I feel really bad and sad about it, but I cannot reach out to him anymore and I cannot apologize for speaking my truth, especially when his actions toward me where also unkind. How can I apologize to someone for saying things that I meant that may have been interpreted wrong, when their actions were the ones that triggered me to say what I did in the first place? Not only that, but he has done a bunch of things to me already, basically, since we met.
Looking back at our short history, I have been the one getting upset and he's been the one apologizing. I swear journal that I was trying to go with the flow, I just went with what felt right and in the end, I feel like I tried really hard to make this person feel comfortable, meeting him where he's at, not having very many expectations and pretty much making it convenient for him, like literally I never once asked for anything! literally nothing! oh well maybe some consistency and maybe some basic curtesy's that should be offered to people without them having to ask for them. I followed his lead, because I myself didn't really know what I was doing, I myself wasn't sure what I wanted from this person, I only know, that when I am around him, things feel right, like they are supposed to just be. So I was just following his lead and all that for nothing. I feel like I lost a good friend and I'm sad.
So, I just don't want to do it anymore, I just want to shut down and build my wall, it's always safer. I am such a giver and I'm really sick of it! like how come all these women that aren't even good women, women that don't even take care of their man, they get all the good ones? where did I go wrong in my life? did I go wrong because I'm not a selfish bitch that only thinks of herself? like sometimes men tell me stories that I'm like WHAT DID SHE DO? and then I think of myself and I'm like damn! I'm such a great woman! why do I get the shitty end of the stick? I mean I am in no way shape or form perfect, I'm far from that. I want someone to tell me, I don't like that you do this or I wish that you did that, because I will work on things, because who doesn't want to be better? Who knows what horror stories my exes have to say about me, but the men that have been in my life in a significant way, at some point or another will tell me, Jazz, you were really good to me or no one ever loved me the way you did or something to that affect. Mainly, my relationships have ended because I find myself very unhappy because I ask and ask and ask and don't receive, and it is all because people don't know how to communicate effectively and then it becomes a shit show and that is the end of that! So, yea, whatever I'm pretty much done!
I'll leave you with one of my favorite reggae songs ever!
I've written about 3 journals and saved them as drafts, I did so, because I'm not sure what I want to share on the world wide web! One day many years ago, someone told me that he had found out something I did on my journal and that it had hurt his feelings. When he told me that I felt horrible, I don't ever intentionally write anything on here to hurt anyone, I'm simply sharing the truth of my life events. My son asked me if I had his whole biography on my journal and I was like, I barely even write about my kids. I write this journal because I am not afraid of sharing, but again, sometimes I'm afraid of sharing because I don't know who gets on these pages and is curious and or just feels like being supportive of my writing or whatever the case may be.
I have been feeling really confused as of late. I feel confused because I often wonder if I'm truly over my most current ex. The other day, I asked a friend if he thought I was still hung up on my ex and he told me that I just had a lot of emotions about it still and I was just healing. He said that I should always try to think about the good things about the relationship. I liked that he said that to me, but at the same time, I don't know that I agree with thinking about the positive things, because when I do think about the positive things, it just makes me sad. Still, I thought his advice was really nice and because I like him and respect his opinions, I thought I would give that a try. So, the next night I laid in bed and started to think about all the things that I could think of that were positive and I practically cried myself to sleep. I realized that even though there were a lot of positives, there were probably more negatives. I also realized that I need to let go of both positive and negatives and just really be done with it all.
Last year at this time I was a serious HOT MESS! I was feeling the craziest I had felt in a long time! this year however, things are so much better! I feel happier than I have in such a long time or maybe I should say, I feel more complete, more like myself. I have really good people in my life right now and I am feeling happier in Colorado than I did when I first came back, I don't really miss Oregon anymore, I mean sure I miss the beach and the people, but I don't feel that yearning that I did when I first got back. Oregon will always hold a very special place in my heart, but for now, I have come to terms with the fact that Colorado is where I belong and where I need to be, I'm ok with that!
The dating world has all but died to me, I don't really go on dates anymore, I don't really talk to anyone on the site I'm on, I just have no interest in doing so. I've stayed on the site just because part of me really wants to find things to write about, I also want to get more followers on my FB page, which is where I post this journal on, but other than that, no one has really captured my attention, men are so lame sometimes. Men love to talk talk talk and I don't want words, I want actions! to me, actions speak louder than words, so I always pay attention to peoples actions because those are the things that really matter! I have always been the type of person that if I say something even if sometimes it may seem a little ridiculous, I will follow through with it, for my word is truly my bond no matter how small, the point is that if I say it, I try my hardest to do it!
When my ex and I first met, we had been together maybe I don't know a month or so, I remember him telling me that his goal was to move to Oregon one day, when he said that, I was like..... I'll go with you! well, two years later I made his goal happen, my ex is in Oregon thanks to me! I made his goal a reality because he legitimately just sat there and did nothing to fulfill his goal. When I set out to do something, I do it! end of story! so, I pay attention to actions, because people can say whatever they want, it doesn't mean shit if they don't back their words with actions. So I'm pretty over talking to a bunch of people that love to talk and do absolutely nothing to back their words!
I have written in the past about how my word is my bond, I think that it's so important that you are known for being truthful, for being real, for meaning what you say, for being genuine, sincere and humble. I try to be these things as much as I can, of course I'm human and not perfect at all, but I will go down trying!
It's late on Saturday night, why am I writing and not at the bar dancing the night away? No idea!
I'll leave you with........Last Dance by Donna Summer....
I've been walking and sort of running very very little lately, my foot feels good and I just want to run, run and then run some more! It feels amazing, but I'm really scared, I don't wan to hurt my foot again.
I wanted to put this on here because the other day I was thinking about myself when I was my daughters age, and how all I wanted to do was sing and dance! My parents had bought me my first vinyl record and I knew every single song from Stacy Lattisaw's record. When I went on my walk I played the songs on youtube and I still remembered all the lyrics to each song, so as I was walking I was singing and it felt AMAZING!
This was one of my favorites - Hey there lonely boy
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” ~Plato
Dear Journal -
Sometimes when I get really angry and start wishing bad things upon the person or people that have hurt me, I have to take deep breaths and remind myself to stop! to not allow those terrible thoughts and feelings that are entering my heart and mind to continue. I have to remind myself that those thoughts do not serve me! It is SO HARD to let go of the anger that is caused by the pain someone caused you! Today I had one of those moments and quite frankly, I brought it upon myself. I feel that for the most part I have moved on from my most recent ex. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore, I don't want answers to any questions, I don't care what he is doing with his life, I have zero desire to talk to him, and barely think about him anymore. But then there are things that have to be asked because there is value to it, so I made the mistake today to ask and maybe I should of asked him directly, but I didn't because I must of done something terrible to him that he refuses to talk to me. Like dude, no one wants to have conversations with you, I just want what belongs to me!
After my anger subsided and I felt like I had just wasted an hour of emotion on this individual, I remembered something that I can PROMISE anyone that ever comes across this post that it is the truest thing in life! and that thing is called KARMA! when I talk about Karma I'm not using that as a way to wish bad upon anyone, I simply say Karma is real because I am no angel and I've done things I'm not proud of in my life, but there have been some moments in my life when something has been done to me and all of a sudden I'm like...... WOW, that was Karma! I believe that the wrong we do here, we pay for here. It wasn't until a few years ago that I started recognizing these things that were happening in my life, that felt like I was paying back for something. When I started to pay attention to these things, I became more mindful of how I treated others, I started to be mindful and to remember that I don't know what others are going through and that it isn't always about me.
I truly believe that lately my life is really good! I feel happy for the first time in a very long time and I can honestly say, that I have nothing to complain about, and if I do, it's only because I can be ungrateful sometimes! So, I don't want to wish bad upon anyone, especially those that took part in my personal life. Instead, I want to put this stuff on here my journal, to remind myself that no matter what wrong has been done to me, it's probably not even about me. Only the person who does you wrong, truly will ever know why! and sometimes, they don't even know it themselves. I'm not sure what the point of this journal entry is about, I came on here to write about one thing, but as I started to write, all these things just flooded my thoughts.
Nothing much else to report journal. There are some moments I want to keep to myself because they are too good to share and they are so private and intimate, that I just want to keep them in my memory.
I want to dedicate this journal entry to all the assholes that think they can disrespect a woman on the internet simply because they are cowards sitting behind their phones or computers and finally have the courage to talk to a woman! I have been on the online dating scene now for YEARS. The first time I was on dating sites was probably in 2009 when I was first separated from my ex husband. Back then, It was fairly new and I remember I looked into writing a research paper on online dating, because I definitely felt that meeting people on line could definitely take a toll on someone. Back then, after telling a number of people off without ever using a curse word, I had finally learned how to navigate online dating and then I literally started using it to just solicit people to read my blog. For a while, I was very active and when I mean active I mean I was on a bunch of sites and while I did meet some people some who till this day I'm really good friends with, I never really found love on them.
Fast forward to now and nothing has changed and there are still those men that think that simply because they aren't in my face, they can say whatever they want! I WISH THEY WOULD BE IN MY FACE! so, the other day while I was in NY I matched with this one man (by the way I swipe right on EVERYONE!) yes journal, the dating sites are now my new playground as I genuinely have no interest in meeting new people and sure maybe someone will come on my blog and think, this bitch! using dating sites to solicit, but hey, why not? I'm not asking anyone to buy anything, maybe the asshole who sent me the message I'm about to tell you about will come across this page and I don't know, realize that he will likely never get laid approaching women that way? Now, don't get me wrong, if for some miraculous reason some one blows my mind on a dating site, sure, I'll meet up for coffee or something, but right now my focus is not on finding love because in my experience, when you are "looking" for something, it never really goes down that way. Maybe one day I will go to a store to buy some cold cuts and fall in love! that's how I met my ex and while writing that last sentence made me feel really sad and now I'm tearing up, that is the story of him and I and then well, the rest is history! before I tell you what happened, I do want to point out that these experiences of disrespectful men are not only exclusive to men on the East coast, it's like that in CO and also while I was in OR and was on dating sites same crappy experiences, however, the way men approach women in different places is a bit different, I have definitely noticed that.
So, back to the asshole! my message read.... when was the last time you got fucked? UGH! my blood begins to boil when I see a message like that, but lately I've been feeling pretty good and decided to be on the nicer side, so my response was that I had sex that morning with my lover and too bad he couldn't be there! ok, first off, why in the world would I tell some stranger my personal sex life? second, what would make him think that opening up a message like that would make me feel any type of way other than grossed out? I wonder if he would have the balls to go up to a woman in a bar and be like.... hey, when was the last time you got fucked? can you imagine? so, here is my thing, if you want to get laid why not be nice? why not ask someone how they are doing? why not open up with how are you how is your day going? or whatever, anything nice that isn't disrespectful to women! like what type of douche bag does that? I've also gotten messages saying..... Hey you like to swallow? ugh! I swear writing these things on here make me so angry! what if a man says that to my daughter my granddaughter my mom or my sister or niece? what if someone says that to that person's sister or mother or daughter or any woman in their lives? I just feel that people think they can get away with saying whatever they want because they are behind a phone. I guarantee you that unless you are messaging some desperate lonely soul (which that is so sad) you will NOT get laid ever! Those are the types of things that really discourage me from taking people on dating sites any type of serious, it can be really depressing to see those things. When I first got back on dating sites this time around right after my break up, I cried a few times reading disrespectful messages. I remember thinking, wow, this is what I have to look forward to from now on and I remember also hating my ex so much in those moments, because in my mind, I thought I was going to get married and NEVER have to talk to strange men on the internet again. I don't feel sad about messages anymore, I'm definitely in a different place, but that doesn't mean that I'm totally ok with those types of messages and depending on the day, someone may just get told off!
In other Jazzy news, I felt really really really sad on Monday when I got back to Colorado from NYC. Literally when the plane landed I felt extremely sad, I even cried. The next day I had a rough day at work and I was just feeling super down, I cried so much because I just feel sometimes that I don't know what I want or where I should be going, almost as if I have no direction in life and I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I think it's time I talk to a therapist again, therapy is SO GOOD FOR OUR MENTAL HEALTH! any who, after I had my little pity party for a day and a half, I felt much better and decided that I will likely stay in CO for a very very very long time, because I just can't imagine leaving my granddaughter, who is actually sitting right next to me as I'm writing this journal entry! I can't leave her, she's so precious and one of the reasons why I came back to Colorado to begin with. So, I will be visiting NYC more often. I realized that it isn't the actual city that I miss, although I do miss that too sometimes, but mainly it's my family and friends that fill my heart with joy when I am around them. I guess they aren't so bad after all! I got to spend time with my cousins 15 year old son who is so lovely! I love that kid! we talked about all types of things and I felt like I learned a few things from him! I just love my family!
I have been listening to a lot of salsa lately, I think it's because the night before I was coming back to Colorado, my cousin and I were going to go to a salsa club but when we got there it was still closed as NYC didn't allow club openings until June 1st., such is my luck! no salsa for Jazzy! I am a good dancer I was looking forward to it, but it's all good! I will be back!
I leave you with...... Un amante como yo - La suprema Corte Orquesta
I’m currently on a flight to NYC for the weekend. I feel so happy to be going home as I have been thinking about what I want lately and how it would be to move back. Part of me can’t imagine it, leaving CO would mean leaving my son and granddaughter behind and I don’t know, that thought is getting harder and harder to wrap my head around.
The captain just announced that we are about to land and all of a sudden I felt this happiness that I can never describe! It’s like this deep feeling of joy that only being home or when I visit Colombia my native land I experience. The guy next to me is sitting by the window and the window shade is down, this really annoys me because I LOVE the skyline of my beautiful city! I can never get tired of looking at the city that never sleeps from up above!
Anyway, before I got on my flight I thought about how nervous being on a plan makes me, I remember when I was younger flying was nothing to me, I’ve traveled a significant amount in my life time, and while I’m used to being on a plane and realize that flying is relatively safe, the fact still remains that I am 30 thousand feet in the air, and just the thought of that scares me half to death!
So, often when I fly I think about my life, my past, my future, my present and I reflect so that is exactly what I’m doing on this flight, I’m reflecting. Someone once told me, and by someone I mean Benjamin Nunez (that’s not his real name) that whenever he flew, he always thought about what he would say to people “just in case” I’ll never forget that moment because I remember thinking, what do you want to say to me? When he texted that to me I also remember thinking, oh my God, is he going to tell me something? is he going to tell me he has feelings for me? it felt as if there was something that he wanted to tell me, and then he didn’t say much at all. Now, when I think back at how he played with my mind and my heart, I can’t help but to wonder what this man's motive was, and why it was that I was I don’t know his target? Regardless of it all, he definitely had a big impact in my life so I guess I’m grateful for that.
So, what would I say to people should this be my last journal entry? Who would I say it to and why? Thinking about that the first and main thing that came to mind were my 3 amazing children! My how much I love them so deeply! They have been my reason for living! They are my life, my everything! The other day my friend told me that the first time he held his son he couldn’t believe there could be that much love for someone, and I could definitely relate, it was so nice to talk to someone that understood the love of one's kids, it is truly what true love feels like! There is no truer love!
So, should this be my last journal entry and they find my phone in the rubble of this plane, this is what I want to say to them. My loves, I believe in the three of you, you all can and you all will accomplish anything you want in life if you work hard for it! I’m sorry if I ever did anything at all to hurt you in any type of way, you are my biggest accomplishment in life and no matter if I have nothing else to show for my life’s work, you three are it! You have made me want to be better, you help me work hard because having you three is my reason and no matter where my soul should go when I’m gone from this world, if I’m able to, I will always watch over you..... my true and only loves!
My angel gave me 3 amazing loves! thank you Angel!
I simply must tell you the night I had because it was pretty wild! but first, can I just say that life has been pretty weird for me lately. I don't know what is in the air but all these people from my past have been popping up out of nowhere and when I say people I mean men. It's as if there was a notice sent out that I am single again. I've been single now for 9 months that's almost a year, but it still feels so new to me. I am still getting used to being myself again and being single and having all these freedoms that I didn't for the past 4 years. I'm not saying that while I was with my ex I wasn't free, I mean technically I was, no one owns you, but I mean just me making decisions by myself about everything.
Before I tell you about last night, I want to tell you about my internal dilemma! the story goes a little something like this. Once upon a time, this woman right here lived a happy life in Brooklyn, NY. I was single and loving life but I was also this crazy scary bitch as it turns out. Looking back at myself back then and even reading through some of my past journal entries, I feel so sad that at some point in my life I was a cold hearted bitch who treated men pretty shitty, and I have to say that I never did it intentionally, I was only protecting myself, because I had been hurt so many times that I had learned to almost shield my heart to the point that I was like a robot maybe? the reason why I'm saying this is because I have been thinking about past, friends with benefits I guess, I've been thinking about it because I'm trying to figure out what my current needs are and or what I want. It's been very confusing for me lately because part of me doesn't want to be with anyone serious, the other part realizes that friends with benefits is almost a myth sometimes! however, when I lived in NY I was really good at it and I found out just yesterday why!
I messaged one of my ex fwb because after I moved to CO, one day I had gotten a friend request on FB from someone who played that role in my life, when I saw him I was like.... how the F! did he find me on FB, I don't even use my full name, anyway I didn't mind and we connected and through the years I watched as he met a girl, fell in love, got married and had a baby! crazy! I don't usually talk to him but I felt like saying hello because well, I was thinking about fwb so I say hello to him and he's like, holy shit I was just thinking about you and from there we went down memory lane and it's been getting a little crazy! and when I say crazy I mean we are talking about meeting up when I'm in NY next. Ok, he's MARRIED! I have no idea what the hell I'm doing but journal, this man has gotten hotter with age! also, I knew him first! ALSO we had amazing sexual chemistry! I'm not saying that's why we are meeting, but I don't know I'm feeling so tempted and this makes me sad that I'm almost ready to do something I know for a fact I will feel guilty about because well, HE'S MARRIED! UGH!
So, during one of our conversations he said to me, do you still not kiss anyone? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! I was like, what do you mean? he was like, well when we used to hang out you never used to kiss me because you said it made things too personal! WHAT AM I A HOOKER??? OMG! after he told me that, I remembered that I had that as a rule, I LOVE kissing and I would always think, don't kiss your fwb because you might start to catch feeling for him and then it ruins everything. I can't believe the lengths I went through back then because of that wall I had built around me that guard was up so high. I literally cried after talking to him thinking about myself and that woman that I had become! I apologized to him and told him that I can't believe I did that and he said we would kiss a little but not really and that he thought I wasn't attracted to him so he didn't push the subject. Wasn't attracted to him! OMG this man is HOT! did you read up top where I said I might see him when I'm back in NY because the temptation is sooooo GREAT! this is all so crazy and makes me so sad, I don't want to be that woman again but in my gutt, I feel her coming, I feel that Jazzy being reborn and It makes me scared, I don't want to be that person again!
This brings me to last night, I was crying to one of my best male friends last night telling him about the conversation I had with my ex "friend" and he told me he understood because he's been single for so long because he just can't commit because of the hurt someone caused him, but here is where shit got real crazy journal, then he turns to me and says, but I've been having those sorts of feelings for you all this time! and by all this time he means 7 years, the length of time I've been in Colorado. I swear journal in that moment it felt like I was in some sort of movie or something where the best friend reveals his feelings and the other friend is like what just happened? as I'm writing this entry I still can't believe he told me what he did and then it all made sense to me, my ex couldn't stand him never tried being his friend and he couldn't stand my ex. I used to think it was because I don't know they are men and felt competitive about each other like one is my friend one is my man and they just don't like each other, but now it is all so clear to me. Maybe my ex could tell that my friend had some sort of something for me. We don't like spend countless hours together we don't talk every day he's not like my best best friend but we have been really close and goodness I had NO CLUE that he saw me that way! after he told me that he kissed me and I just sat there in like panic mode and he didn't like put his tongue down my throat he literally tap kissed me and then did it again like 3 more times and I was just there stiff feeling overwhelmed and in disbelief! and then I was like.... I have to go!
What is happening in my world journal! today is a sad day, because I feel like I lost one of my best friends ever! I don't feel the same about him, I love him so much but I cannot imagine us as a couple, I know him so well and he's awesome, he's so handsome and he's such a great guy, but I don't see him that way. I know he has issues with commitment and well, him telling me that was almost like saying, I haven't wanted to commit to anyone but if we try I would be open to it with you! ugh, why is it that the ones you like don't like you but the ones you don't like want you? why is that a thing? Before that conversation we had made plans to have lunch today, but I just couldn't go through with it so I messaged him earlier and said we had to reschedule and he never responded, I feel horrible! Today is a sad day journal.
I think I'm going to stay away from people for a while, I feel so overwhelmed lately, I was sort of mean to someone that I actually like and just because he doesn't like me back that way, I was such a bitch! and then I felt bad and I wanted to keep saying that I'm sorry, but I just don't want to bother this person anymore, I've decided that if someone wants to talk to me then sure. But for me actions just speak louder than words so I'm not paying attention to anything this person has to say because until now he's kind of mislead me or maybe we haven't been really clear or maybe I just let what I feel cloud my judgement, so instead of making up stories in my head as I can be pretty creative, I'm just going to assume that if someone isn't talking to me it's because they don't want me end of story!
I do wish I could see him again and talk about stuff, texting is so weird and it's never the same like seeing someone and talking to them. I feel like to him, he thinks I want to be with him and I don't know lock him down? I don't think he realizes that when I say I don't know what I want I mean that. I don't even know him enough to know what I want with him, I can't base wanting to be in a relationship with someone on sexual chemistry and the fact that I like him, I mean it's not like I'm in love with this person, I barely know him! what if we kept being friends and then that's all it ever ends up being, or we stop liking one another or I don't know, one of us meets someone else we like more, like the scenarios are endless. But, he stated what he wanted and I'm so all over the place I just can't do it, I don't want to put myself out there and be the HS girl that likes the boy that only hangs out with him because being around him makes her feel so good because she likes him soooo much but then the minute he leaves he doesn't talk to her but she's so naive and young that she waits around for the next time she can get a piece of him! goodness! I learned those lessons years ago! if what you want isn't being reciprocated, run as fast as you can! I am a little more emotionally intelligent and Jazzy gotta take care of Jazzy! Maybe things are better this way, it's just a bummer because I felt a really great connection with him and that doesn't happen to me like EVER! so yea; letting it go!
Well, that's it for now! that was a LOT! I will leave you with this song that I've been listening to that makes me think of this person I was just talking about, it's this crush, this crush that I want to move on from!! UGH! hey as a side note journal, he doesn't know what he's loosing out on! Ha! Jazzy is freaking AWESOME! I'm even better as a friend, as a girlfriend, well, who knows what my exes say about me! YIKES!
Ever since my break up, every month when I'm close to my menstrual cycle, I get so emotional about my ex that I often reach out to him. I haven't done so in the last few months, but I did for a while. A few weeks ago I went through some old emails that I sent my ex while we were together and today since I'm premenstrual, I wanted to read some again, I guess it beats reaching out to him right journal? Some of the emails made me laugh and think of him fondly. Then I found some that made me angry and reminded me of why we weren't meant to be and then I also found some that made me cry really really hard, because it reminded me of everything that he did to keep me, to constantly show me that he loved me, to fight almost for my love, for me to stay, for me to be ok with the way I felt about him. I guess I just can't understand still why he gave up? was he tired, did I not show him enough love?
I got a strange text message today from a number where he lives, the text just said "hey there" so I responded and asked who it was and the person never got back to me. Deep in my heart I wanted so bad for it to be him, for him to tell me he's sorry, for him to tell me he didn't mean it, for him to tell me he messed up. The truth is that it may not be him, I met some people on one of the dating sites I'm on when I was visiting Oregon, and I gave my number to a few people, so I mean it could be anyone. The point is that in my heart I wanted it to be him. Just when I think I moved on, my period comes to my world and ruins everything I've been building! in one day my world is broken again for a few hours at the very least.
I'm journaling today because I wanted to put that letter that I wrote him on here, I'm doing this even though it is deeply personal and I mean this whole journal is personal, but this letter is very very real and super vulnerable. I want it on here because it reminds me that I CAN love! that being with him reminded me that it was ok to love because sometimes you get loved back in a way that maybe you've never experienced. His love for me was very different than anyone else I've ever been with, I always like to say that he loved me in his own selfish way, but I think he loved me the way he knew how. He was raised Christian I was raised Catholic, at one point when I was trying to get to a place where I felt secure in our relationship, I talked to him about trying to believe again, well for me at least, because while he didn't pray or go to church, he does believe in heaven and hell and everything else the Christian church teaches. Reading this letter also reminded me that at least I tried my hardest and that maybe I wasn't the problem! Break ups always have a way to make you question yourself, others, your beliefs, ideas, just everything! I can't wait until the day that I no longer think about all these things that in the end don't even matter anymore!
Without further ado..... Here is the email I wrote to Chino (that's not his real name) on 5/3/19
This morning I woke up and felt as if all the love I have been trying to suppress for you came back into my heart and with that my fear came back. I don’t know how to shake this scary feeling that I get about us, but my goal is to overcome my fear so that we can have a happy loving relationship. I just want you to be ok about the ones that I love. I also want to do the same thing with regards to your family and I think that the only way we can ever accomplish all of this is by bringing God into our lives together as a couple, and while the journey of spirituality is one that must be taken alone, I believe that supporting each other through the process will help us both grow closer together and become one with him.
I tried talking to Jesus yesterday and it felt really foreign, I felt like a hypocrite, how can I have denied him from being in my life now for over 10 years and expect him to be back in it just like that, I know that this process will take time, but I really want us both to be closer to him so we can be closer to each other.
Although we have gone through so much I believe that our love has held us together, imagine how much happier we will be when we bring him into our hearts completely, I don’t know how to start, but I hope we can figure it out together, I have to believe he’s been in our lives because then how else will we have made it together this long? Jesus is love, and we might not have good communication or good skills to handle difficult situations, but one thing is for sure, we have true LOVE! I feel blessed to have you in my life because you have stuck by me through my crazy, I want you to know that when I loose my shit it’s because I’m so scare to loose you, I don’t know how to explain it but I feel like I shut down and want to run as fast as I can. I want to be a better mother and girlfriend, thank you for your support. I know you said I’m not supportive of you, I am I just don’t want you to burn out because you are working so hard, I want you to be happy and have the things you want and deserve, you are a good man, but sometimes you don’t know how to show it, or I have an expectation and I don’t get what I expect, I like that you said it’s good when we talk instead of me yelling and getting crazy, I will talk to my therapist about my blow ups and ask her to help me control them, but I will also try to become one with God again and see if that will help me as well.
I’m scared :( please don’t ever stop loving me.
Te amo!
He responded: Just don't push me away and I won't stop loving you.
OH MY GOSH! Dear Odin! why can I not stop thinking about this individual? it's really annoying! I just want him out of my head! and no, I am not talking about my ex....YUK! any time that individual comes into my thoughts I catch those thoughts and I say to myself, "stop thinking about him!" that works every time, but then my thoughts go back to him! this man that I can't stop thinking about! I mean I guess I rather think of him than my ex, because well my ex is the past and this man is kind of sort of in my present but then again is he?
The other night I had a heart to heart talk with my son, he told me that I seemed really distracted lately and too focused on men. Ok, to my defense I'm not really focused on men because I have no men to be focused on, so at first I got annoyed at my sons comment. I assured him that I wasn't focused on men and he said yes you are because you keep talking about all these and here is the key word he used journal.......loosers! He was like mom, what do you want? what are you looking for? what do you think you need? in that moment, I felt like he had just thrown a cold bucket of water on my head because I was speechless, I made that face of like wanting to say something so I sort of opened my mouth to say it but then I had nothing to say, not a word! If yo know me in person you know I am a talker, I can talk. After a minute I said, son, I have NO IDEA! ugh! I hate when I feel this way, when I know nothing. I don't know what I want, how I want it, where I want to live, where I want to work, where I should be going, I feel like I'm in limbo and like I'm so stuck and can't make up my mind. This stresses me out because I always have a 5 year plan and for me not to have one is simply unacceptable!
Since that conversation, I have been trying to think about what it is that I want. Anytime I start thinking about what I want, he always pops back up into my thoughts! NO JOURNAL NOT MY EX! that guy! the guy I won't talk much about. Something about him intrigues me, something about his energy when I've been around him or maybe it's something about his touch, or the way he smells. He was at my place once and after he left and I took off my sweater, I could smell him all over it, I didn't want to wash it because it smelled like him. I feel like I lie to myself every time I try to act like I don't really like him like that or why am I still thinking about this person or what's my problem? I don't know, I always feel like you shouldn't think of those who don't think about you and he clearly isn't thinking about me, if he thought about me, he would talk to me and we barely do. My goal now is to keep it moving and to work on not thinking of those who don't think about me. I deserve so much more, I'm an amazing woman and any man would be lucky to have me! I really do believe this with all of my heart!
I just get so mad when other women have done shitty things to good men and then those men are all scared and here comes Jazzy really freaking amazing woman that knows how to treat her man, and all I end up with is men that don't appreciate me! how is that fair journal? why do all the shitty women get and mess up and abuse the good men and then the good women or the women that try to do right by their men, always end up with the users, abusers, players! I don't know I always love to write all these questions on here as if someone is going to answer them for me.
I need to focus on myself more and keep trying to figure out what I want and just keep enjoying my life. I do have to say that lately I have been feeling sooooo much like myself! I LOVE IT! I feel like me and I feel as if my ex is finally gone, like he's really gone from my life and like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like he's no longer my problem. I'm so glad he and I didn't have kids together, because the worse thing ever is dealing with your ex while trying to move on from them yet knowing that you HAVE to communicate with them because they will be in your life for the rest of your life! ugh! speaking of which, I haven't been talking to my ex husband in what seems like months, he just makes me so angry that I decided that I do not need to talk to that man about ANYTHING! there is not one time ever that I can remember, that he doesn't throw a jab at me when we talk. We have this weird friendship type situation that sometimes we can be really cool and have a conversation and then the next minute we can't even talk to one another because we can't stand each other. I try journal I really really do, but anytime that man can say something mean to me he does and I'm done tolerating his rude behavior toward me.
I'm rambling, it's late, I'm tired and sleepy! ta ta journal!
I will leave you with - Marvin Gay - Sexual Healing
