Shallow Jaz wants a guy!

Dear Journal -

I'm pretty much done with traveling! I'm soooo exhausted! I don't know how people can do that for work, like travel all the time.  I've met a few people in my lifetime that have had demanding jobs that they have to travel for and they told me horror stories! but mainly, they always said missing their family was the hardest part of their job.  

I have one more trip this year and then I'm staying put for a while, I don't really want to go anywhere other than Europe to visit my son, but that won't be happening until next year sometime.  I miss my boy so very very much! since he has been in the military, I have visited him anywhere he has been stationed, because I will travel across the world for my son! He's such a great young man, and this weekend when I witnessed my friend marrying the love of her life, I thought about my children and how much I want that for them, to find their best friend, soul mate, the one person that they would be ready to travel through ocean's for!

I traveled through oceans for my ex husband, literally for about 4 or maybe 5 years I would go visit him in Colombia, I loved that man so very much once upon a time, but when I think about our relationship, he definitely wasn't my best friend, our relationship was pretty forced, it's a long story, but the other day he stayed with my kids and I for a few weeks, and being in the same home with him for what seemed forever was really hard! I tried my hardest to stay away and in my room while he was with us and I could tell he was very uncomfortable also, but he has become more of a family member to me than anything else, it's just weird because I can't even remember what our relationship was like, it's funny how one moment you can be completely in love with someone and the next you are hiding in your room avoiding conversations with that same person! I mean sure we talked and gossiped and had a few laughs, but all in all, we were both pretty happy when he got his own place." 

Nothing crazy has been happening in my life lately journal, other than me thinking about what I want in terms of a man.  It's so funny because when I was with my most current ex and I was feeling really unhappy, I would often sit and think about this "ideal man" that I should be with and now that I am single and have the opportunity to maybe one day meet this "wonderful human" I keep lowering my standards and making excuses for things and just not even knowing what I want! it's kind of crazy! the only thing I feel that I really want is to feel that connection, that like feeling of "I feel like I've always known you" type situation, like when you meet someone and it's just this natural flow.  I should though be thinking about things a little deeper though.  I can't really come up with anything other than, I want to feel attracted to this person, I want to feel the "spark" that very very rarely happens to me! I don't really spark with anyone to be honest! ugh! it's so annoying! so does that mean I'm shallow? does it mean I'm all about looks? not really! like what's attractive to me isn't attractive to others.  I'm not some teenager who cares about what my friends are going to think about the person I sleep with.  But I do need to feel attracted to someone to even consider that.  Sometimes I will see a man and be like, OH WOW! he's hot! but that doesn't mean I'll sleep with him.  Thinking someone is attractive is very different than feeling attracted to that person!

I've been talking to someone I like, he's cool, but I think it's already over! ha! that lasted all of two weeks! I told him yesterday that I didn't want a texting buddy, because it felt like all we do is text, snap chat and that is not what I signed up for! like I don't need to see pics of your every move! this is a grown ass adult man with a kid! I swear this only happens to ME! we talk talk talk, but I've only seen him once and sure we had a nice time together, but I want someone that actually makes time to see me AND wants to also talk to me when we don't see each other! is that too much to fucking ask for? I'm not going to be someone's "text buddy" what am I 15? fuck all this bullshit dating shit, I'm done! this month I'm going to focus on trying not to eat beef! now there is something productive to do! It's so much work, getting to know people! I don't know that I have the energy or desire to do all of that! yet, I still have hope that one day I will get to write my love story right here on this journal! don't know when or how, but I know I will! 

I'm tired, I'm going to bed journal!

ps. my title was inspired by a movie I thought was hilarious! I love Jack Black and Gwyneth Paltro in this movie! maybe if we could only see the beauty in others, this world would be a better place!

Shallow Hall Wants a Gal!

Scared Shitless!

"An unexamined life, is not worth living" ~ Socrates

Dear journal -

In a little over a month, I turn 50 years old! OH MY! I feel like for the last year, I've been preparing for this day to come, like I literally felt like I was already 50 all year long! that's HALF A FUCKING CENTURY! I don't give a shit what anyone says to me about how I should feel, it is a really scary time for me right now! Like I said, I've been preparing for this the whole year.  

When I turned 45 it was kind of the same thing, I was really scared I felt weird and it just felt like something wasn't right, like the number didn't fit me.  My current ex, who is 20 years younger than I am, told me that he had a surprise for me, because I had told him that I almost didn't want to do  anything for my bday. So, what did my ex man do you ask? well, he made me a "surprise party!" now he knew that I liked going out to the bars, so my surprise was really that he invited all his twenty something year old friends to come out and celebrate my bday with me! I miss him! neither him or his friends EVER made a comment or acted weird or made me feel anything less than Chinos girl (that's not his real name) they al ways treated me pretty awesome or at least the ones that weren't in the side lines hating hard as fuck, because he didn't give two fucks what my age was! 

I had such a great 45 bday, he made me feel so happy and his friends were super cool! We just had a great time at the bars that night, something he hated doing! He never liked going out, but would always be like, baby, if you want to go, then go! I always knew who our haters were and they were usually women, in particular, there was this one woman that I knew had a thing for my man, I never ever felt insecure in my relationship as far as the females that he was surrounded by, because I knew I made him really happy, but there was this one time that he and I had broken up, and that same woman, said something like, well she's old anyway or something to that affect and my Chino went OFF ON THAT BITCH! when we got back together and he told me this, he also apologized to me, because I had told him, I could tell she would always hate on us and on our relationship.  He finally saw that what I would tell him about the people he called friends, was true.  Coincidentally, when he and I broke up this time and he changed his profile picture the a picture of him and his new maybe wife now? guess who hearted the picture? yup the same hating ass bitch, that I swear journal I try not to be ghetto anymore, but if I ever bump into that woman again, I might not be able to control my younger self who would not take shit from ANYONE and held her tongue for so long because "I won't stoop that low" so if I do see her, I hope for her sake, that she doesn't catch me on a wrong day!

I did not come on my journal today to reminisce on a love that I was knew or on the haters that have crossed my path though, I do often tend to get off topic when I'm writing to you journal! What I was saying journal is that this is a big deal because turning this age really makes you think of your life and be like, what the fuck have I done with it? sometimes I feel like I've accomplished so much and others, I'm like fuck! I haven't done shit! My mother who is an amazing woman and who I am blessed to still have, is planning the best birthday party ever for me! I am so excited to be celebrating although I'm also scared! 

My mom is on point with the party planning, she's so excited about it, almost more than I am.  I am going to celebrate my birthday in Colombia and I told her that what I want people to bring me as gifts is food, like uncooked food, like rice, beans, grains anything that I can donate to the elderly home in my town.  I thought it would be appropriate to celebrate this birthday there, because I was born there and I have only celebrated birthdays 1-6 there and then when I turned 15 I also got to celebrate my bday there and it wasn't like a big quinceañera which is the traditional age that is celebrated in my culture.  My birthday present was actually the ticket to go to Colombia, but while I was there my grandmother threw me a pretty awesome party!  Back then and probably the only time in my life that I have been with anyone older than me, my boyfriend who was at the time 25, sent me a bouquet of flowers and all sorts of gifts, he was back in NY and obviously couldn't make it to my party, but since he was already a grown man and he had a pretty bad ass job at the time, I got super spoiled by him! He went on to break my heart and married a woman that was 10 years older than him! go figure!

So, I am scared maybe because it's a big number, maybe because I've done nothing at all with my life, maybe because I don't have my ex to make me feel ok about it, maybe because I feel insecure about how I should act or who I should be by now, maybe I just don't want to accept that I'm aging or that my death is closer, or that my kids are no longer kids, it's so much that I can't quite pin point it, but, I do know that I will also get through this like I get through everything I have in my life time and the one thing I really do want, is to age with grace, to feel ok with it all, to accept who I am and who I've become, to continue to live my life without fear or reservations, to stop judging myself and not paying attention to what anyone has to say about me, my life choices etc.  it's really hard though and I struggle with all of it! but, there are a lot of wonderful things happening in my life so I want to end this journal entry with this...................

Dear universe and God, thank you for all my blessings! I'm sorry for being ungrateful and sometimes feeling sorry for myself.  I realize that I am a very lucky and blessed human that has so many amazing people in my life.  Thank you universe for my health, my family, my friends, my career and most of all, thank you for my kids and their health and the lives that they are living, I see so much hurt all around me all the time, the families that allow me into their lives everyday that struggle with so much more than I can ever imagine.  Give me the strength to be the rock that they need so that I can help them help themselves and thank you for another year of life! I am eternally grateful for all the love that I am lucky enough to have in my life..... Amen!

I will leave you with.... Leonardo DaVinci's Beautiful Angel!

Dancing makes me think of you!

 Dear Journal - 

I've been going on quite a few hikes lately and I really genuinely enjoy them! I really like to do it alone because it feels like my time to be with myself, I usually hope no one is around so they can't see me talking to myself, and so far I haven't gotten caught! (this may or may not be true, the talking to myself out loud part) but my best friend and I would always joke that back in the days when I would be on the trains in NYC going to work or coming home from work, I would be thinking so hard that the next thing I knew, I would catch myself moving my lips! I was exaggerating, or maybe not, but it was always our joke like....... Don't think to hard on the train! Trails are different though! I talk to the plants and the bugs and birds and anything else I see that is living! nature is amazing and I catch myself sometimes not even thinking, but just loosing myself in the moment, which only would ever happen to me when I would run!

Last weekend was pretty cool! I went out with some friends and they left around 1 and I said, I will stay until close I want to continue to dance.  Throughout my life, everyone has always thought that I am crazy because I am that person that literally likes to go out to literally dance! When I was in my late teens and early 20's and living in NYC, there would be nights that I would go out to the clubs by myself pick a corner and dance all night long! this is a true fact and I have friends that will attest to this.  I always ended up seeing people I knew at the clubs, I went out so much I even knew professional dancers, I was friends with one who was actually a back up dancer for Janet Jackson and just knew a bunch of kids that were professionals, now when I think back, I always feel like I could have been that also, but I just didn't have the support that I needed to get into the field of dancing, non the less, dancing has always been special to me and I love it and I will never stop! 

The reason why I'm writing to you today journal, is because when I was out on Friday night, at one point I really really missed him! my good friend and always dance buddy! I told you a few months ago that my friend of almost 8 years had told me that he had feelings for me and that it had been a very uncomfortable situation for me.  I always wonder what the hell is wrong with me and why it is that when someone likes me I don't like them and vice-versa, but anyway, this revelation was really hard for me because he is the type of friend that would come to my home, knows my kids, we have gone to dance battle together in Denver, we have partied like rock stars together, I have made him dinner, I have met his parents, like he is a true real friend no strings or sexual history not even kissing! we are legit friends, so when that happened it was really difficult for me because I did not feel the same way and I knew in that moment that our friendship would never be the same! 

Since that interaction, I had messaged him and talked to him like nothing had ever transpired, we actually had spoken on the phone once for like an hour but neither one of us brought anything up as I feel we both want to pretend like that awkward conversation ever happened.  Things did change though and I have not spoken to him as often.  On Friday, at like 1:30 in the morning when the liquor was kicking in, I sent him a txt message that read, are you out? I miss you homes! He responded a few minutes later telling me he missed me too and that he wasn't out but we could hang out the following night.  My friend is a great dancer, so I wanted to hang out but I already had plans for the next night so I had to tell him I couldn't go out.  

I miss hanging out with him so much and I want to again, but I just feel like I'm going to feel weird, like I know this secret about and feel guilty that I can't give him what he may want from me, although he never said what it was he wanted.  I'm so scared to ask though because then what if he does want something from me that I can't give him? then what? will that change our friendship even more? I just want it all to go away and for us to be the way we used to be! wing people to each other! Women ALWAYS look at him and try to dance with him and hit on him and he is so oblivious sometimes! I'm like DUDE! did you not see that? meanwhile, he will always try to hook me up with some rando at the bars! it's so much fun and hilarious, I love him so much! 

I've met some of the women he's semi dated, he tells me all about his "friends" that he never wants to date etc. that's our friendship! that's what I want again.  He's really handsome has no kids is in his late 30's educated and sure he has some things he needs to work on like the rest of us, but I think with the right woman by his side, he will be even more amazing! Because we all know journal, that behind a great man, there has to be a greater women.  I just hate that, that woman can't be me because I just don't see us that way and I've never really have, I've always thought of him like family.  I did try to think of us that way once he told me what he felt and I just couldn't see it, I just feel like our chemistry is friendship and that's it.  Sometimes when I think of all my male friends I'm like.... If only I can make my perfect guy with a little bit of this one and a ton of that one and some of this one! I have some seriously dope males in my world!

In other Jazzy news, things are good journal! lots of self care this month, it's been really simple my life, just very focused on the things that matter to me, like my kids, my family, my beautiful friends! I just got back on like 2 dating sites, one of them I had not been on for like 10 years and as soon as I put my info in, there I was! in all my late 30's glory! Pictures of me and everything! I was like What The Fuck! like you don't know me dating site! you didn't know I would be back! but it did! on a positive note, I was like HOLLY SHIT! I forgot about this pic, so I just had to update some photos and start clicking! Jazzy doesn't lie about her age or uses old pics, I want people to like me for me and what I look like now, not what I looked like in the past.  So, let's start the games again, I say games because that's all it is, bunch of games adult people play! Let the fun begin!

I will leave you with Aaron Smith - Dancin 

this song always gets me hyped! ha! good times!

Desperately Seeking Jazzy!

 Dear Journal -

I am completely obsessed with figuring out how I will climb the next mountain! It is seriously an addiction and now I understand what all the fuss is about! OMG! it reminds me of the runners high I would get whenever I used to go on my runs! speaking of runs, yesterday I went on my typical hike which I usually do in about an hour to an hour and 15 min.  WELL! I was able to run down the hill and I ran the whole thing which is about maybe a mile and it felt AMAZING! at the end my foot still felt good and I just felt really accomplished, it was a good feeling to feel like myself again! I try not to over do it because I'm always afraid to get hurt again, but sometimes I do want to push myself a little.

So after hiking for 8 hours last weekend, I came home and wrote about how I felt really sad when I had reached the top of the mountain and felt as if I didn't have anyone to share that news with.  The truth is that there was someone that I did want to share the news with, but in the past he has ignored my messages and as you know journal, being ignored is not only rude, disrespectful and pretty mean, but it also gives me anxiety as it reminds me of one named (Benjamin Nunez) who literally ignored me for 2 years or maybe more I can't even remember anymore.  I am going to start writing the story and one day my goal is to write a book where I will reveal his true identity, there are very few people that know who he is, and while he isn't a "celebrity" he is definitely very well known in his field and in the blogger world, he has hundreds of followers and he's been blogging for about 20 years now, so I can't WAIT! to put his name on my book and let people know what an asshole he was to me and how he played with my head and fucked me up pretty bad, with his internet games!

I had decided a while back that while this person that I wanted to share this news with I felt a very strong connection with and thought he felt it back, I was always afraid to like really show this person  all of me.  I feel now that I lied to him and to myself about my true feelings, partially because I am afraid of rejection and partially because I'm afraid to feel this close to anyone and while I came on here saying that I was SO ready to find myself a boyfriend, I know myself well enough to know that I don't really operate that way, I have never really went "looking" for a boyfriend, I think that whenever I've been in a relationship it's simply because it just happened, like I felt a strong connection to that person and vice versa, so the truth is journal, that I'm not desperately seeking anything, however, by spending time with this man whom I wanted to share my news with and feeling connected to him, it made me feel the desire to be close to someone again, but anytime I tried imagining myself with him or anyone else for that matter, my heart starts beating really fast and I feel this enormous amount of fear, I AM SO SCARED! to love again ever! I know that this is probably temporary or I hope it is, I hope that one day I can open myself up to the opportunity, but for now it's still too scary to imagine and I just feel that when it does, it will just flow, I won't feel afraid to text this person because I will know he will respond, I won't feel afraid to show him expressions of kindness or thoughtfulness because he will offer me the same kindness and also be thoughtful with me.  I won't be afraid to call him because if he doesn't pick up I will know that he will call me back. 

This person that I was feeling close to, was not offering me the attention that I wanted, I guess he wasn't into me that way, and while sometimes he sort of acted like he did feel some type of way about me, others it just felt like there was a lot of confusion going on in his mind.  To be fair, there is a lot going on in his life, and I did feel that we were friends and could talk about anything and we were or at least I was always trying to be really honest and I really loved that part, that we told each other stuff that sometimes I quite honestly maybe didn't want to know, but that part of me felt that if things with him would have progressed, I would have definitely trusted him.  I think some will call what happened between us, bad timing, I call it, he's not that into me! when a man wants a woman or vice versa for that matter, this person will show it and won't be afraid too.  

He once told me that he felt that if he ever got into a relationship again, it would have to be organic, which sure I get that, but also, things don't happen by magic, there has to be a little give an take and it can't be on the part of only one person, there has to be a little effort by both people.  I only ever asked him for one simple thing, which was, when we don't get to spend time together, message me and say hi.  That is literally all I ever asked for.  I almost feel like what we shared was very organic, like when we spent time together it was always amazing and we never really did much, just being in each others company felt natural and even if I didn't see him for a month, the moment we saw each other again, it was as if time had not passed, it was natural and just this strong connection that I almost can't explain, however, I also kept reminding myself that the moment I walked out of his door, it felt like I didn't exist, sometimes he would make a little bit of an effort and others it was as if I didn't exist.  So, because I have PTSD about being ignored and because I'm watching peoples actions toward me, I decided that I needed to get myself out of this one way love affair, I don't know what else to call it, I would always tell him it was our "little story"  I feel that I deserve way more than that, I've always been honest or maybe I wasn't honest at the end about how I was starting to feel, but at least now I know that I do want to feel close to someone but I want that person to want to be close to me as well.  

I keep turning people down that want to offer me attention, waiting for the attention that was never going to come probably. Sure, maybe I'm  one hundred percent wrong, but I have a feeling that to him I was just someone fun who's company he enjoyed, but there was something missing and he was still looking for "the one" who knows, I know I won't ever know, because he will never tell me probably.  People have the right to be with and care about whomever they want to, I'm just really glad that I've learned to see things for what they are, and that even though I'm bummed to pull myself out of this situation, I know that it's the best most loving thing for Jazzy to do for Jazzy!

I wish people were just more honest! I know I will be bummed about this for a while, mainly because I felt like he really helped me through the process of moving on from my ex, I guess a "rebound" if you will.  I hope one day he and I can be friends, we had some good laughs! I will miss him!

The title to this post was inspired by the movie - Desperately Seeking Susan, which starred Madonna!  I will leave you with one of my favorite Madonna songs - Get into the groove

14 thousand feet above the sea~

Dear Journal -

Such an exciting weekend indeed! I simply must tell you how I hiked up a mountain and made it to the peak! it was AMAZING! I never even thought about doing such a thing, but I recently met someone on a dating site who I didn't have a romantic connection with, but who turned out to be pretty cool and whom I  became friends with.  The day we met he talked to me about 14er's and I didn't even know what that meant, and then he told me, a 14er is a slang term to describe mountains that are 14thousand feet above sea level, the peaks reach 14k.  While some of these hikes might only be 3 or 4 miles to their summit, it is extremely hard because the entire ascend is an incline so for me, it took me 5 hours to hike up the mountain.  So when he explained this stuff to me, I was  like.....Well I want to do that! so began my obsession with having to do it! yesterday I finally accomplished my latest challenge! it was REALLY HARD! I would be lying if I told you journal that it was a piece of cake! I have to admit that there were definitely times that I wanted to turn back, but my friend pushed me on and I finally got to the top! I cannot tell you the mental strength that it takes to do such a hike, I talked myself into it every step of the way, and to be honest, everyone around you talked you into it! it's so awesome all the great people you meet on hikes! I made a new friend who lives in Colorado Springs, we talked and talked and talked some more, he is pretty darn cool!

Life this month has been pretty chill, I do have to attribute that to the fact that I haven't been on social media much and I also got off of all dating sites.  Getting off of dating sites has felt really good, it was getting really overwhelming because on the sites that I was on, I referenced my FB page so I would get emails on FB and on the sites and it was just a whole lot! I do fully intend on getting back on them next month, I think I might be starting to feel like I want to find someone to actually date, someone that I can feel connected to in a way that's just more than a sexual thing or a friendship thing.  While I do believe I do pretty well as a single woman, I just want to know that I have someone that I don't have to think about with fear, because I know he's thinking about me too, does that make sense? I don't want to feel like I have to hold back on being me and being genuine and giving, or like I have to pretend I don't care.  I want to meet someone that isn't afraid to give and receive, where will I find this masked man you ask? who knows! but I know one thing for sure, he's out there somewhere with all the wrong women and when he finds me, he's going to know and so will I! I have no doubt that someone out there, will see me for who I am.  I don't know how long it will take for this person to come into my life, but now I'm starting to feel like I'm opened to that, maybe it's because "WINTER IS COMING!" and no one likes cold lonely nights! unlike in my previous lifetime when I was afraid to cuddle, this new woman right here, will cuddle and cuddle some more! So, we shall see what these dating sites will bring into my reality! 

Journal in a month from now, or on  9/13 it will be a year that my ex and I officially broke up.  I had thought that by now I would be completely over it, but come to find out, I'm not completely over it, but I'm sure hell close to it! I had thought about deleting all the pictures I have of us on that date, I have over 500 pictures of us.  Not to long ago I found the strength to look at them and I cried and laughed and cried and laughed some more! We had some fun times for sure! Anyway, I had a conversation about the pictures with my friend who told me I should put them in a flash drive and just let them sit there until one day, I'm finally truly ready to delete them.  That idea made me feel so much better, because it didn't seem so finally.  Deep in my heart I always hope that one day, we will be able to talk again and say our sorry's I hope that one day we can at the very least check in on each other from time to time, after all, he was part of my life for 4 years and I didn't fall in love with a total and complete loser, he might be going through his journey and I'm no longer part of it, but he had some really good things that I will always miss! 

Yesterday on my hike, when I was about 13 thousand feet above sea level, I broke down and cried, because I thought about how he would complain to me that he didn't like hiking with me because "your foot always starts to hurt" but there I was 13 thousand feet 5 hours in of hiking with foot pain but still going strong, I cried because I want someone who will stand by me even if "my foot always hurts." I guess I was crying because the lack of oxygen was getting to my brain and I just felt a rush of emotions and I thought about how he would complain about my foot to me as if I had hurt myself on purpose.  I guess in that moment I also felt kind of lonely, like I had no one to tell my exciting news too.  Sure, I have my kids and friends who were proud of me, but it's different.  I guess in that moment is when I also thought, I want a boyfriend, I want to call someone to be like..... baby I did it! and then go home and celebrate with him! or even better, reach the top of the peak together and share a moment that is ours and part of our story! so we shall see! I might just change my mind tomorrow about having a significant other, I do tend to go back and forth on the idea.  

I do enjoy being single, I have so much fun, but I know that if I'm with the right person, someone who trusts me, then I can still have a lot of fun.  I don't necessarily need like someone who we have to be together 24/7 or someone that has to be on my beck and call, I just want someone chill who I can do things with and who's company I enjoy and who I can laugh with and just have a good time with.  I don't necessarily want anything extremely crazy as I do realize that it takes time to get to that place not a crazy place but like a very serious committed place, but I guess what I do want is someone that I'm exclusive with that I don't have to keep being on dating sites anymore, although this person may have to understand that for the purposes of this journal, I might need to stay on them, but he will trust me because I am one loyal person to my feelings and if I pick you and I like you, then that person need not worry about me straying! Jazzy is as loyal as can be, even if I have had my mishaps in the past, I have learned from them and have full intention of being a loyal good fun loving girl to some lucky man!

I will leave you with a pic of me up closer to the sky! I felt a little angelic! I'm already planning my next adventure hike! the rush is like no other!

I took a video when I reached the top of the mountain and this song came to mind, because I started from the bottom! there is always a song attached to my stories! All situations make me think of music! I love music so very much!

Started from the bottom - By Drake

CHILD SEX ABUSE ONE OF MILLIONS OF STORIES!

Dear Journal -

I obviously write very personal stuff on here and I share things that are important to me. The post below was written by my niece who is an amazing young woman! She writes beautiful songs and is incredibly smart and she has been through more than anyone her age should ever have been through, but she is resilient and is strong and extremely BRAVE! she posted this as her FB status on July, 24 2021 and when I saw it I could not believe how BRAVE she was to share something so deeply personal! I was SO PROUD OF HER!

There are some posts on my blog that were written by friends of mine, I would sometimes ask people if I could share their story on my journal etc. I asked her if I could share this on my journal as I think it is EXTREMELY important that more young women and girls come out and tell their story as they did not do ANYTHING WRONG! The more these topics are talked about and the more awareness we build around them, the less it may start to happen as it might resonate with a mom somewhere who might be trusting their child with a perpetrator. By the way journal, it isn't a mom's fault that this happens, that's not what I'm implying, however, we NEVER really know who we are trusting our kids with, please take really good care of them because they are so beautiful, amazing and vulnerable! Below is my beautiful nieces very sad story! Please share this story with others!

Written by Ashley:

So, since I'm having full fleged dreams about it. I'm going to write down my feelings. If you read till the end, thank you.

My 21 year old secret:

When I was about 2 years old my father abandoned me. Pretty much walked out of my life and came every 2 years to lie to my face. "I love you, I'm not leaving this time." I don't like talking bad of the dead, and I'm sorry father, but you were a shit father to me. You made me cry and think I wasn't worthy of love. Because of you I hated my brother for years. I believed my brother was lucky, because his dad stayed. His dad loved him. His dad actually loved my mom. And nobody knew but the man that raised me since I was 3, started sexually abusing me since I was 5. And because I was in so desperate need of a dad I let it continue for years (for many of them I didn't even know what was happening.) Growing up I knew I wanted my brother to have his dad around, I wanted my mom to have her support around. Everyone loved this man. This man, who took someone else's kid and treated her as his own, could do no wrong. I couldn't lose the only dad I knew. I couldn't have my mother cry again. I couldn't let my brother feel my pain of being abandoned by his dad. And despite my father being a stranger in my life, I knew he would hurt Richard had I said something. So as I grew up, I continued to lie, so nobody would suffer (because of me, but this was also a lie I told myself.). I continued to tell everyone that Richard was the best dad ever. It wasn't until therapy, my father passing, and a deep secret of Richard's moral character that I decided it was FINALLY time to stop hiding this secret for him. It took all the courage I had to realize that even though it felt like a selfish thing to tell people about what happened, it wasn't. It wasn't MY lie, it wasn't My fault. I didn't deserve that. I didn't do anything wrong. I went to the police, told my story. Collaborated with every detective I had to. Cried on a witness stand... Because I had never said any of these things out loud before. I had never let them leave my mind. These events. These feelings. I left it all on that stand... And now, he's awaiting his court date. And although I do not hate him, I do hope he gets what he deserves. I hope he never hurts anyone else.

Moral of the story:

My wonderful human being brothers and sisters, it's never too late to relieve yourself from a burden. I feel so free now that I have told my story. I can walk with my head held up high, knowing that I did deserve the true unconditional love, no strings attached by a dad. I just never got it. And that's okay. My daughter has that now, and I couldn't be happier.

Fathers, maybe the woman you had children with is the worst woman in the world (my father's excuse), but your child deserves to have their dad in their life. Your child, however he or she came to be (accident, planned etc) deserves the right to be a functional adult, with a father who gives a shit about them. I know it may not be easy dealing with someone you may no longer love, you may not even like, but that's YOUR CHILD. You can tell yourself that they won't need you. That they are "better without you" (also what my father said). But I can assure you, they are not. Had my father been around, I wouldn't have needed Richard's love. I wouldn't have let him hurt me just to have a dad around. We want to be whole. We want to know where we come from. We want to be wanted by the people who supposedly are biologically inclined to love us. And when you choose to be a shit dad, you are setting that child up for failure, for mental illness, for heartbreak. I know many of you out there who overcame your daddy issues (I'm proud of you), but so many of us don't. We carry that pain. I know I do. I have major trust issues, thanks to all the important men in my life causing me so much pain. Father, abandoned me. Step father, sexually abused me. Husband, committed suicide and left me to raise a 1 year old all on my own. So yeah, I have daddy issues... My father didn't love me (he claimed he did, but I know what love is. I know what true love looks like. And it wasn't anything remotely to what he gave me), and it messed me up. So please, be there for your kid. Be a good dad. You don't have to be perfect, but please try to be better for them. They're not going to be children forever, and they eventually realize who was there for them, and who was not.

Thank you for reading until the end.

Remember, some of us are so much stronger than we look. So don't judge a happy face and think that person lived a perfect life. Don't look a person who made some not so great decisions and think you could never have gone that path. You didn't live their life. You don't have their brain, their heart, their pain, their personality. Treat everyone with respect and kindness.

I want to thank everyone who has supported me, and loved me through this journey of opening up about what happened to me. Most of all, I want to thank my Brother. Who has shown me that he is the type of man I want to see in the world. A good man, who chooses right over wrong. A man who keeps his word. A man who could never intentionally hurt someone. An understanding man, who only shows respect and love for people. I love you Aaron, you are the most beautiful gift Richard ever gave this planet. And I thank God, the stars, the universe that Richard and mom made you. You are an incredible blessing to this world, and to me.

Have a great night everyone.

********************************************************************************************************

If you suspect child abuse, please report - https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/

1-800-4-A-CHILD or 1-800-422-4453

My Husband

 Dear Journal -

This month is "International Jazzy's Self Care Month" yup, you heard it here first journal! I created my own holiday! HA! my post before this I shared some crazy thoughts that I have had and I got a bunch of messages from people I never even expected paid any attention to anything I ever said, it felt nice to know that there are caring humans out there.  Last month was a really rough month for me, this past weekend I went on a hike by myself and was able to do some thinking and maybe a little bit of healing.  I usually feel that I heal best by the ocean, but since I don't live near the ocean, I went into the mountains and just walked and walked and walked.  

I once read a book called eat, pray, love and I wish I was a lucky girl with lots of money who could leave to India to find some sort of "Guru" who would give me the answers! but, since I'm not and in reality there are no answers, I just sit here and write and share.  My friend who is a therapist told me about a group she thought I should attend and I assured her I was not suicidal and then I told her why I was feeling down and why July had been rough and why August was usually rough for me each year.  I told her I had decided to get off of dating sites and just really focus on myself this month and take a break and just take care of myself.  A few of my friends decided that they wanted to partake in my self care month, so that's what I'm doing, so far things feel really good, I feel a sense of peace within.  

Today or in about two minutes, it will be August 5th.  Today would have been Ronald's 48th bday! Ronald was my first husband.  I have never really written much about him on my journal because I mainly write about my current stuff, but today as I thought about writing this journal entry in my car, I both laughed and cried thinking about Ronald! What can I say about my first husband? He was far from perfect this crazy bad boy! when we met, he was like 23 maybe? I will never forget the first time I saw him, I was at my parents house in Corona, Queens NYC and my cousin comes into the house and says, don't close the door my friend Ronald is coming in soon, so I was like ok I'll just open the front door for him (my cousin had walked in through our back door) I walk to the front and looked out the window and saw him and thought, what the fuck is up with my cousins friends hair? he wasn't my type so I didn't really pay him any mind.  Fast forward a few weeks or maybe months later, my cousin kept telling me how I should talk to him cause he liked me and I kept thinking, well, he's not really my type not really into him, but one night we all got drunk and I ended up hooking up with him, from that day on he became my man.  Back then, I was really really hoping to meet someone to "be my sons dad" because I felt that my kid needed to have a male figure in his life consistently, so I figured being a young inexperienced mom, that it would be a good idea to be with someone so that my son could be raised with a male and female role model.  My sons real dad, was struggling with drug addiction at the time and that is a whole other story, but basically as a young dad himself, he did not have his priorities straight.

Well, Ronald like I said was a bad boy! and when I say a bad boy I mean that for real! he grew up very poor in Venezuela and he had a very strong Spanish accent, he never had a dad and he was was extremely close to his mom.  He was very very handsome and when he walked into a room, he definitely caught the women's attention.  I loved him, but I can honestly say I was never in love with him.  I loved him because he helped me to get over the fear that I had of my ex or babies daddy, who at the time was really scary and since he was well known in NYC and everybody in our social circle knew my babies daddy because he was a graffiti artist, I was sort of like forbidden fruit and no one really wanted to date me because "you don't date Dev's baby mom" there is a lot more to it all, but basically Ronald was from a different "group" I guess for a lack of better term, so he didn't give a shit about who my baby daddy was and he wasn't going to let anyone fuck with his woman! 

Ronald and I had really fun times, today as I was thinking about him, I remembered a time when it was raining really really bad! I was looking out the window and everything was flooding, so I looked at him and I was like "let's go outside and get wet" so what did we do? we ran outside and started running around getting soaked! I have that memory very vivid in my mind! we laughed and ran and acted like two kids, I mean we practically were kids! Ronald was an AMAZING salsa dancer, back then, I wasn't really into salsa music, I mean I've never really been big on salsa music but I know it and I liked it, but I did not love it, he LOVED IT! I was more into the hip hop culture so I never really went out to Latin clubs, but when I started dating him, he pretty much made me into a Latin culture girl, I have to admit that it was fun getting out of the scene where I was "forbidden fruit" and I could be with other Colombians as I never really knew very many other than my family.  We literally went out every weekend and partied like rock stars, but Ronald would pressure me to dance and if I didn't dance my best, he would get really pissed off at me.  We showed off our moves and people stared, it was both flattering and a little uncomfortable for me, because the real dancer in that relationship was him, he was really really good!

Ronald moved in with me fairly quickly and I told him we should get married as he did not have legal status in the US and we lived together so we might as well get married! the day we were to be married by law, I sat in the car crying to my best friend when he went to buy film for our camera, because I wasn't marrying the man I really loved, my babies daddy! The relationship I had with Ronald was really tough, like I said, I was very young and very inexperienced, Ronald definitely had more experiences especially sexual, so with him I learned a lot about sex and he made me feel comfortable in my own skin, he loved me I know that he did, but he was also young and handsome and women and girls liked him.  His first love was a woman about 15 years older than he was and this woman had really impacted his life, I was SO JEALOUS of this older woman! her name was not allowed to be said anywhere near me! I think while I was with him, he probably saw her occasionally but I never really knew what type of things he did behind my back.  This man did stuff to me that I will never allow anyone to ever ever do to me again! he would not come home at night, sometimes for days, life with him was pretty hard! he would always tell me that he knew I didn't love him and he knew who I really loved and he was right, I still loved my sons father and it was hard for me, because I was sort of living a lie.  

Ronald wasn't a bad man, Ronald was just a young man, an inexperienced man, but he had a big heart and he loved his pit bulls! he taught me about them, he used to breed them and it was fun having puppies all the time, he meant well and he wanted to take care of his woman no matter what he had to do to take care of me.  One day I told him that he had never even proposed to me or given me an engagement ring, so that Valentine's day, he figured out a way to buy me an engagement ring and he went down on one knee and proposed to me, even though we were already married.  His family loved me, his mom was one of the best moms I've ever met! when he and I walked into a room together, people looked at us because we looked like we belonged together, we made a good looking couple.  Ronald could be romantic and special if he wanted too, we could have laughs but he could also break my heart into a million pieces.  We lasted about close to 3 years and finally we broke up for good.  About a year after our divorce was finalized, Ronald died of a drug overdose, his drug of choice was cocaine. 

Drugs, have always some way some how affected my life.  When I went to his funeral, and his sister saw me walk in, she started screaming at me and blaming me for his death, she told me that had I not divorced her brother, he would still be alive.  I remember looking down at him in his coffin thinking, wake up please, wake up! he looked so peaceful! every year on August 5th, I remember that it's his bday in heaven, I cannot remember what day or year he died.  He had a son before he passed and I was his only wife.  His mom told me in the funeral, that I was the only woman he had ever truly loved.  I don't know what truth there was to that, but I do know I broke his heart pretty bad.  However, about two weeks before he died, he had stopped by my house and came to my room and hugged me and said "Jazz, you don't love me anymore, we don't ever talk" Ronald had forgiven me and I him for all that we had been through and we were friends, sometimes when I was down I would call him and ask him for advice, Ronald was my friend! 

Whenever someone breaks my heart, I want to call him so bad and tell him all about it, because I know he would defend me from everyone! Ronald was man's man, and he was a fucking bad ass! he got respect wherever he stood, he was funny and kind and loving! I miss him dearly!

HAPPY BDAY IN HEAVEN! 

I will leave you with, Ronald's favorite song and his picture.  This picture is of him, his dog and my son, he loved my son as his own for the short time we were together.

Hector Lavoe - El Cantante

Suicidal thoughts

 Dear Journal -

This was a very interesting week to say the least, but I made it through it and here I am, doing what I said I would be consistent doing.  I'm struggling so bad! I want to get off all these dating sites that I am on, I mean I'm not on very many only 3 well actually 2 I got off of one of them because it's just so much work.  It takes everything in me to talk to people and to try and be nice or at the very least pleasant, I have absolutely no desire to meet anyone, get to know anyone and quite honestly even sleep with anyone, to be honest, when the thought of sex crosses my mind it almost grosses me out, I don't want anyone touching me, so when someone on a dating site messages me and says even a nice comment like you look beautiful or great or whatever, it makes me angry almost.  I had some pictures up on the sites I'm on of me in a sports bra and work out pants and I decided to take them down because that is not the attention I want, yet at the same time that's exactly what gets me likes on my FB page and that page is where I post you my sweet journal and I have so many plans in my head for you! So I feel torn and maybe I just need to take a break from it all.  The worst part is that I'm not even premenstrual so it's not because of that and it's not because I'm premenopausal as I got tested and they told me I wasn't, so I don't know what's going on, I just feel like I'm in this really bad place mentally.  

The other day I had a really scary thought and it made me feel like I need to find a new therapist, the last one I had was over a year ago and she helped me work through some stuff, talking to her made me realize how valid my trust issues are, and how it's a real thing and you can work through it and change the behaviors and learn how to work through those feelings, I love therapy, I think everyone should have a therapist.  I briefly considered becoming a therapist but after being a domestic violence advocate, I realized that it wasn't something I could handle and while there are very different types of therapist, I just don't have it in me to do that work, although I sort of do it as a social worker and get paid less I guess, but I just don't want to invest the time it will take me to study and do the hours and it's just a lot! Therapist are amazing, I have a few therapist friends and they are amazing humans!

So my thought, was really scary because I was driving and kept feeling like I wanted to drive really fast and throw my car over the cliff.  I know that this is a suicidal thought and I'm not feeling like I want to take my own life, but I just had this feeling like I wanted to do it and I had to talk myself out of feeling that way, it was a bit scary and it reminded me of when I would feel that way back in NYC  when I would be on train platforms and I would imagine myself throwing myself in front of a running train.  I used to have to make myself move back and stand against the wall because I can be very impulsive and I was afraid one day I would do it, just jump.  I am not sure where these thoughts are coming from, but they are definitely scary and I love life and I don't want to die, but it's scary that I would even entertain for a second these weird thoughts.  I'm not afraid of death, I know I will one day but I want it to be because it's supposed to be, not because I did such a thing.  As a teenager I contemplated suicide so many times, as an adult, not really.

I am thinking of taking a break from dating sites and just figuring out other ways to get followers, I'm sure there are ways, but again it just takes so much work and so much effort, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore and I'm so tired of talking to people that I have no desire of talking to, it's so draining and it feels like everyone wants a little piece of me and I don't want to give anyone anything!  

The other day I was on my walk and I saw this man running past me up this steep hill and I felt so sad, and so jealous! I wanted to be running also, I miss it so much and sometimes I run a tiny bit, but I get so scared that I will hurt myself again and then I won't be able to walk or run, so I try and take it easy.  My friend keeps telling me to go with him to kick boxing, I'm scared to and I have no idea why! coincidentally, this friend I met on Tinder a few months ago, he's from NYC also and he's pretty awesome! He is very driven and does all this cool stuff, like go to gun ranges! I hung out with him and told him I want to learn how to shoot guns, so him and a few other friends of mine are going to go to a gun range and shoot guns, it's time I stop being afraid of them and learn how to use them! the way this world is going, I swear it feel like the zombie apocalypse is coming and I'll be one of the first ones to go because I don't know how to defend myself! it's insane!

Well, I don't really have anything else productive or interesting to share with you tonight journal, I'm just so down, life feels sort of weird right now, I'm in this weird happy/unhappy place! I hope I snap out of it soon as this is not like me, I don't like it!

Also, if you are ever contemplating with hurting yourself, please don't! there is always someone that will be devastated by this act! please seek help immediately! 1-800-273-8255

or click here for help! https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I'll leave you with - Passionfruit - By: Drake 

Love these beats!

My world is blue :(

 Dear journal -

I'm trying really hard to stay committed to you, I often think about the things that I want to write and or what I want to say, but the other times I feel like completely giving up and just letting go of this dream that I've had for so long! You are my 4th child, my little piece of me. I have been reading through my story lately and It feels like I'm going backwards instead of forward, like time is changing and instead of growing, I'm stuck in a loop! I'm still me, the same person I was 10 years ago when I first started writing on this the world wide web.  Sure, some things have changed like I now have a Bachelor's degree and when I first started writing this journal I was attending college.  I have a whole other career that I am in, I live in a different state and actually have lived in two different states in these last 10 years since I started this journal.  But me, fundamentally, when I read through old stuff, I'm me, same person with more heartbreak to add to this journal.

I have been self analyzing myself lately, trying to break old patterns and just working through my stuff and I have noticed something that maybe I am wrong about, but it is definitely a theory to think through.  After my last major break up (my divorce) when I first started this blog, I met someone that changed my life forever yada yada..... Benjamin (not his real name) and while I do believe what I felt for him was real and legitimate, I also think I used that to shelter myself for many years after, so that I wouldn't fall in love again with anyone else because the reality was that it was too scary and it was to painful to go through that stuff again in my lifetime.  I went in search for closure from that when I attended the school of practical philosophy in NYC because I knew that he would be attending also, and so I attended and after not seeing him for a few years, we finally met again and were face to face and while there were a few times that I ran out of the school and cried in central park because seeing him was really hard, I did it, I broke from that crazy story and I really believe that he was doing the same thing, after that, he met his now wife.

Then, years went by and sure, I had people that were pretty significant but I did not fall in love again until 5 years ago when I met my current ex and was in an actual relationship again.  This person literally broke down all my walls, I didn't think that I could ever love the way I loved him, ever again.  

This past weekend, I was in Oregon, it was a last minute trip that I mainly made because my daughter asked me to.  I had promised her a summer trip and we had not done anything, so I had asked her if she wanted me to take her to Disney World and she told me she would rather go to Oregon.  I wasn't very happy about going, but the thought of seeing my friends made me happy, so I told myself I would go and it would be great! Now, don't get me wrong journal, seeing my friends is always great! I got to go out to a gay club with one of my gay friends and I LOVE gay clubs/bars anywhere I can go and not get hit on and just have a great time in a great atmosphere (side note, I was a great wing woman and my gay friend got a number that night! woot woot).  Any who, I also got to go to the beach, have some great food and meet new babies! all in all it was great, until I had the great idea of messaging my ex.

I will be very honest with you journal, he and I have not spoken in over 3 months and while I have not really missed him, I often think and cry about us, or what we had or used to be or whatever! I do think about him almost daily but things are not as bad as they were say last year around this time when I thought death was coming for me! So all this to say that I thought I could message him and deep down inside I thought, maybe he and I can see each other and finally say I'm sorry in person or maybe just finally make peace with everything that happened. My excuse for reaching out was that he has something that belongs to me.  He and I only communicate via emails as he changed his number and I don't like to message him on messenger and also there was a time that FB literally wouldn't let us become friends (that's a true story and another blog post) but yea, at some point in our relationship we weren't allowed to communicate via messenger and he and I would joke that FB was trying to keep us apart!

I emailed him the last night before leaving, not knowing if he would even respond.  I let him know that I was in town and that I would like for him to give me what he had that belonged to me.  I did not hear back from him until the next day, and what I read, broke my heart all over again.  Ever since that day which was on Sunday, today it's Tuesday, I've done nothing but cry.  The thought that this man hates me so very much, breaks my heart into pieces time and time again.  Actually as I'm sitting here writing this post, tears are rolling down my cheek, because it's that painful! he wished I would die like 4x actually the last message I got from him which was this morning, said he wished I would die in a hole.  Words so sharp like a knife that hit my heart and broke it again.  I can be really really harsh and brutal with my words, sometimes I say things that are mean and I might not even mean for them to come off mean, but they can be, but I tried my hardest not to be mean and I didn't curse at him or wrote anything to like continue to fight with him, because I could tell by his response that he is in a dark place and that he hates me and that he's still hurting and that there is nothing that I can do to change that.  What hurt me was not the fact that he wants me dead or yes that does hurt me actually, but what really hurts me is that he is still fighting his demons, that he is still in a dark place and that there is nothing that I can do for him.  My heart is so broken, I feel so sad to know that this person that I love is hurting, he is still in it and I am too, but not as bad, I have definitely done some healing and I just wanted to get this closure that definitely doesn't look like it will come anytime soon.

Journal, I don't want to meet anyone new, I don't want to date, I don't want to have anything to do with the opposite sex right now.  I wanted so bad to get off of dating sites, I'm on 3 different ones, but my dream, you is what has kept me on them! I need to keep you alive because I let this dream go once before and I don't want to do the same thing again.  Remember Xavier? I decided I don't want to go out with him and I have not heard back from him but I hope that I don't, as I don't want to turn anyone down, or make anyone feel bad so I think it's best I stay with me for a while as much as I say I want to get out there, there is absolutely no way I can give anything to anyone at this moment, I am truly a hot mess! but, I will stay true to you my sweet journal, because when I'm here putting these thoughts down, writing this entry, it feels like me! I've been journaling since I can remember! I had countless books that an old boyfriend read through and got so mad he through them down an incinerator, I was 16 at the time.

I like that you are on the www and that I guess the only one that can kill you would be google, sometimes I think of printing you out, just to make sure that if all hell breaks loose, I still have you.  There are also those that may want to come on here and read about my stories or I don't know, know something about me.  Regardless, someone who I have been thinking about a lot lately, told me one night while we were hanging out, that I should just keep on writing, when I told him I didn't want people knowing everything he said, don't write it and post it, just write it! He told me how he wrote music and that was his outlet.  I miss that guy, I don't even know what happened we just don't talk anymore.  It's always the ones I feel connected to that go away and I never really understand why.  Maybe he met the woman of his dreams! I wish that for him!

I'm getting off topic, but I guess I wanted to write tonight to release some of this pain onto these pages because it's been more than I can bare.  I'm hurting journal, so so much!

I will leave you with......... love is blue or maybe it's called Blue blue my world is blue.  I'm not sure, I don't know who the original song was written by, but I know this song since I was around 12 years old, I used to sing in the glee club and we had to learn this song.  It's so beautiful!

This is the version I found on youtube.....

Forces of Nature!

 Dear journal -

The story I am about to tell you is simply to damn good to wait any longer to share! This story, might just be my next love story! fingers crossed! OR it can be my next tragedy! either way, stay tuned as this major event develops! Just kidding journal it's not really a major event, but it's super weird and not.

I believe in the law of attraction, "the secret" I have lived and seen things that I have wanted manifest in my reality.  I don't usually write about this stuff, because it is very intense and many people don't believe in it and sometimes it can sound pretty crazy.  I don't want to go into too many details about it, but I do want to say, that I am a Libra born in October, I read once or someone told me can't remember, that people born in the month of October, have the witch gene, many people don't believe in witches and goblins, but I believe in very many things.  I definitely believe in angels and I definitely believe in supernatural things and I believe in good and evil.  Whenever I wish for something now, I am very careful of how I ask for it, because I know that depending on how I'm thinking about something, things might come to me twisted, and so because of that, I try not to wish to often, as the universe and God know my heart and know my wishes and therefore, I try to live my life as best I can to keep a good balance.  I am a libra after all!

For sometime now, I always say stuff like, I wish I met someone in person that I actually will like.  By that I mean, I want to feel the "magic" that I felt, once upon a time when I met a man by the name of Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name) if you read my first journal entry, you can read all about him.  In brief, when we first laid eyes on each other, we both thought to ourselves... OMG! who is that! when we said hello to each other we were both very nervous, to me, that is the "magic" I talk about.  I know he felt that way, because later on he told me, so I'm not making this stuff up! or did I make up that whole story? I don't even know anymore.  

On Saturday I had invited some friends over for what I called my "hot dog pool party" we sat by the pool and had beers and hot dogs! that day I had a long talk with one of my good girlfriends and I cried to her, telling her that I was still mourning the loss of my ex and that I felt stupid, because in two months it will be a year that we broke up and I should be over it by now, long story short, we had a long talk and after wards, I felt SO MUCH BETTER! after my hot dog pool party, we decided to go out to watch a live band and since I was feeling fabulous! I decided I wanted to get pretty, so I did my hair, wore some make up and threw on the dress that I wore, the last time my ex and I were a couple.  It looked so much better on me and I felt GREAT!

We went to watch a live band and after that was over, we went to another bar which coincidentally, had a live band as well.  So, by this time I had had 1 mixed drink a shot and was having a beer, I wasn't drunk but I was definitely starting to feel tipsy.  At one point I was walking toward the front and the place wasn't packed so there was enough space between everyone, but I'm walking and I notice this man standing there watching the band and he was bald, I've always had a thing for bald men, while most feel very insecure about it, I've always found it attractive, even when I was younger, I liked when I dated someone and they got "baldies" it was a thing in the 90's and like I said, I always find it attractive.  I also love long hair! just saying! anyway, I go up to him and I make a comment about his bald head, but it was a complementary comment that I for the life of me can't remember.  He looks at me and makes a comment back we giggle and have a short conversation about his bald head.  He wasn't really paying me much mind and I didn't really care, because I wasn't like flirting but maybe I was a little and I also didn't have any intention with him I was simply stating my feelings about bald men.  All I remember is that my last comment was something like..... I think bald men are sexy, look at Xavier from X-Men! he's the bomb! he giggled again and I walked away and never thought of this man again!

This morning, I get a text message from one of my friends that I was with, that had not seen my interaction with Xavier, let's call him that for now.  She tells me she was talking to a man she met on a dating site and tells me he told her he was at the same bar we were at on Saturday and how he met a woman and this woman had said something to him that made him feel so good, it had made him decide to get back on a dating site, he also told her that he was bummed because he didn't get this woman's number as he no longer knew how to talk to women in person.  When she tells me this I'm still not putting two and two together, so I'm like, OH that's cool! she sends me his picture and it was HIM! Xavier! I was like wtf! dude the woman he's talking about was me! so now she's like get the heck out of here I'm telling him I know you, he told me how he was bummed that he didn't get your number bla bla bla! so now I'm like, are you sure? I literally don't care, you know I'm not really looking for anything crazy right now, I was just stating facts to the man you can talk to him that's all you girl! she then insists (as she is my wing woman) and I'm like ok fine! she messages me a few minutes later and tells me he asked her to give me his number! holy shit!

Ok, so first, I was recently sort of kind of talking to someone who I liked and things went sour and he stopped talking to me and it felt pretty crummy! I'm also in a weird place that while I'm open to meeting someone and sure, if I'm blown away maybe I can see myself in something more serious but I honestly feel that I am not in a place to like, give too much of myself.  I don't want to lead anyone on and this last person that I was kind of sort of hanging out with, I even told him one time that I would feel bad, being in a relationship right now as I would feel like I was cheating because I would likely be with this new person thinking about my ex, sort of like a rebound and that since I did that in the past, and it usually felt shitty, I don't think it would be fair to do that to anyone, I need to feel like I have healed before I can give myself to someone new.  Apparently any time I talked to this individual that I'm referring to in this paragraph, he wasn't paying attention to a word I said, because I think, he may have thought that I was falling madly in love with him and he got scared and decided that instead of telling me what was happening, like we said we would do because we had talked about honesty.  He instead stopped talking to me, as I am no one and he needs not to give me any sort of explanation! I was just some person who crossed his path apparently! oh well! not gonna lie, it hurt I felt shitty but this is exactly why, I have to go out with this new person who I did text and we talked and he said I had made him feel really great and that he would love to take me out because he wanted to feel good again!

Well, Jazzy likes making people feel good! I also am going to force myself to do these types of things because in the past I've gotten very very stuck on stupid! in addition, I have been reading through this journal and have read through some really sad moments that I went through after my last major break up, because my approach back then was to shut down, build my wall and become a total crazy bitch! I will not let that happen to me ever again! love is an amazing thing, and I'm not saying I'll go out with Xavier and fall in love, I'm just saying that I will not let other people's actions change me! I will also not dwell on things like I often do, nor will I stay stuck on stupid! if someone clearly wants nothing more to do with me, then I have to be ok with that and keep it moving! FORCE myself to keep trying! 

I think this story is quite cool to be honest! I was telling my son about it and he was like MOM, that's so crazy! it's such a small world what were the odds that your friend would end up talking to him, etc. etc.  I am just feeling great because I made someone feel really good! I made someone want to go back out there and get em! so even if this encounter ends in a new friendship, I'm ok with that! I also already made another good friend who I've now introduced to my other friends and was also invited to my "hot dog pool party" and I met him on tinder we had a beer then went on a hike and I didn't think he was interested in me, then it turned out he was, but I made it clear I only saw him as a friend as during that time I was sort of kind of seeing someone else who I liked and well, I just didn't feel it.  I have a new friend who is awesome from NY and he brought around another friend and I'm just surrounding myself with some cool ass people! so again, no expectations no disappointments! and while I'm not here like OMG! I can't wait to see Xavier, I'm also not like, ba hum bug!

Tonight I will leave you with...... The song that one day, I will for sure dedicate to someone special, because I know, that one day I will heal and I will be ready to accept love into my life again.  Why not? love is so amazing! we need to love more, love love all people in different ways!

Lauren Hill - Can't take my eyes off of you

Fu#$ing Cheater!

 Dear Journal -

The term cognitive dissonance, is a term used in psychology to describe how humans handle contradicting thoughts.  Basically, how we all have contradicting thoughts and how we manage them. Our brains are magnificent! we have about 50,000 - 70,000 thoughts per day! that's insane! Whenever I'm stuck on a problem, this term usually comes to my mind and I always think about my first psychology professor whom I LOVED! I even wrote about him on my blog once and sent him the link, and he thought it was really cool what I had written, I think that's why he gave me an A! hehe, just kidding journal, Jazzy worked really hard for her A's and B's and even sometimes C's (insert sad smiley here!).

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my last relationship, it's so dumb how I just go around and around in circles thinking about stuff that has already past, I often though, catch myself and manage to change my thought process, but it is something that is really hard to do and takes a lot of dedication and thought process, that of living in the moment and acknowledging that what happened yesterday I cannot change, BUT, sometimes I like to think about these things because I want to know, how I can grow from those experiences and make sure that they don't repeat themselves in my life.  So the other night I was thinking about when I was with my ex and he cheated on me, the pain I felt, was like nothing I had ever experienced before in any other relationship I had ever been in.  I had been cheated on numerous times in different relationships, but I had always found out about people's infidelity, after we were broken up.

I won't get into all the details of how I found out, because it is a whole other entry but what I will say, is that when he finally admitted to me, I literally thought I was going to like faint or something, I couldn't breath and it was definitely a shock to my system, and then for almost a year, all I did was imagine the man that I loved, having sex with another woman, it was literally a living hell.  I then forgave him and took him back, but then, I could not live with the thought that he had done such a crummy thing to me.  However, throughout this time, I kept trying to figure out why he had done what he did, I needed and answer and I had many contradicting thoughts, to the point that I ended up making myself believe that it was my fault that he had cheated on me, because I drove him to do so! THAT'S INSANE! I think that when someone betrays you, and goes behind your back, and sneaks around and schemes and lies and does all the grime stuff that has to be done to accomplish infidelity, the person who is cheated on, feels that they must have done something wrong, because why else would someone go to those lengths! I am clearly the reason! we have these conflicts inside of us that we feel we need to make sense of and that's when cognitive dissonance is in full mode.

I am not proud, of what I am about to tell you next journal, it is definitely not one of my proudest moments and I legitimately feel, that the icing on my breakup cake was what I'm about to reveal.  After I took my ex boyfriend back, I couldn't live with the fact that he had been sneaky and somehow I convinced myself (cognitive dissonance) that I needed to do to him what he had done to me.  When I think of this now, I keep thinking that the kindest thing I could have done for the both of us, would have been to have let him go and not given him a second chance, because that chance was not genuine, but I could not imagine my life without him back then, I was so madly in love with him and I felt that it had been my fault.  When he came back, he showered me with gifts and was just the loveliest man he could be and journal, when he wanted to be lovely, he definitely could be.  He bought me diamond earrings and we made love every single night for a month, we made LOVE! everything was euphoric! the intensity of what we were both feeling was like nothing I had ever experienced before.  

After that first month, we both began to settle into our respective roles within our relationship and the torment in my mind began again, the image of him having sex with this woman that I had met in the past, would not leave me.  So here is where I failed journal, I failed when I decided that I had to get revenge, that I was going to do to him what he had done to me and so I did, I cheated back and I kept that secret inside for two years.  It wasn't until I was telling someone this story not to long ago, that I realized what a hypocrite I have been.  I was telling the story to this person and I said, my ex cheated on me and then I cheated back, but to my defense, he cheated first! as the words "to my defense" were coming out of my mouth, it dawned on me that I had not been any better than my ex.  That I shouldn't have cheated and even worse, kept that secret for so long.  Whenever he would do something that made me really angry or that truly hurt me, I would always think.... Fuck you! that's why you got played! and some how that made me feel better, except it never really did.  At the end of our relationship I told him what I had done and I feel that, that is the reason why we are no longer together or at least, that was the last straw.  

Journal, I met someone that told me that he had been cheated on by his ex girlfriend and mother of his children and after he told me that, he almost justified why she had done it.  He told me that they had grown apart.  He was justifying her actions almost as if her cheating was his fault.  If two people grow apart then they break up or at least, that would be the right thing to do.  But if you fall apart and start cheating on each other or one person cheats on the other, it doesn't fix the problem, it just makes it worse.  This person then told me that after a long time of them going through stuff and coming to terms with maybe what had happened in their relationship, she is now his best friend.  I could not comprehend, how you can be best friends with the person who betrayed your trust, your love and everything you shared together.  The only thing that makes sense to me about that scenario, is that, he is such a kind and caring human being, that he just forgave her and because they shared a bond for so long, it is difficult for him, to pull away completely.  Maybe, he just still loves her and doesn't know what to do about all those feelings.  I don't know why he feels the way he does and I never really asked him as I felt it was non of my business, but in thinking about what I had been through when I found out about my ex, I could only imagine what he felt and it made me sad, because I know that hurt all to well. I also could relate to him justifying what she had done.  I think in a way, it makes you feel better to tell yourself that some way some how, you had some fault in what happened.  

However, we are all adults and we do things because we want to, I cheated, because I wanted to, not because I got cheated on first, my actions were wrong and I hope that my ex found it in his heart to forgive me.  I finally forgave him, I can finally go to the reservoir by my apt. where he told me he met up with her and hung out with her and spent time with her before sleeping with her.  For a long time, I could not even drive up there, now it is not something that ever crosses my mind again, I finally overcame that betrayal.  Finally!

It's getting late journal, till next time I will leave you with.........

Whiskey Glasses - Morgan Wallace